Milk and Redemption by A Member - Short, Horror - A fugitive hides out in a dairy farm.  The horror he uncovers is more than he can possibly stomach. 15 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - rtf, format 8)

Hey.

Although this had a creepy ending, I'm not quite sure I would call it horror, but I'm not rerally an authority on the subject.

Other than that it seemed just fine to me, my only problem would be having them hang from the tree, I have a few problems with that.  Firts, if he's bleeding and has been in a car crash he probably is not strong enough, also, the dogs would smell him, and the cops would most cxertainly look up.  I recommend him instead hiding in the river or something.

-Tyler

I thought this was pretty good!

Nicely written for sure. Gross too.

As screenplays go though, it was way too descriptive. I usually get pulled over for too descriptive writing, so I'm just trying to be helpful.

This script is 15 pages, but could probably be tightened to about ten

I pictured these people as Amish for some reason.

The line "are you an angel?" didn't really work for me, but other than that it was a nice story.

Pia  :)

Having read the previous comments, I was worried that this script was going to be a long read. It wasn't. Still, I think a few words could be trimmed.

There is one line that needs to be corrected: "The officer instantly withdraws his weapon on him."

Withdraws means to : "To take back or away; remove."

Anyway,  I enjoyed the story. It kept my attention and the end was, as another has said, creepy!

Seth

This was really really good, and is definitely among the best.


[Spoilers Ahead]


The ending I think was a big let down though. Drinking rat milk is gross, but I don't think he'd willingly want to go to jail after that. But I think you intended it to be kindof half serious near the end, with the little joke at the end.

I was just expecting something more. Besides, the rat milking angle was already covered in the Simpsons. SIMPSONS DID IT! SIMPSONS DID IT! Don't worry though, they've thought of everything already.

But aside from the ending, which could be a lot more clever, maybe make the family a lot more repulsive somehow, or make the milking in the barn even more twisted. I thought the short was awesome. The characters and situations, and conversations and mood were all top notch.

Quoted from NOT sryknows Hey, my comments have BIG spoilers that will kinda' ruin the story for you.

I am teasing, Sry (a bit), but you gotta start doing that sometimes.

Anyways, this is a good one -- very well written, if a tad over-written in spots.  I didn't particularly care for the title, however, and I didn't really find any redemption here.  Just a small issue, that.

The dialogue was pretty good -- with a touch of menace from Hanna every now and then -- which suited her character well.  She was good.  But I would capitalize "God" when I used it in dialogue, particularly from such devout characters.

This story has quite a bit in common with a story from the last challenge.  I wonder if it might be the same guy.  Could be.

I liked this one quite a bit, even though **ahem** I knew what was coming....

Quoted from bert I am teasing, Sry (a bit), but you gotta start doing that sometimes

Sorry Bert.  :B
But you should know there's gonna be spoilers in the reviews. But I guess I could start putting them in. Just for you Bert.  ;D

Horror and milk. Rats and milk says it all.

This was disturbing, and I guess drinking Rat milk would be horrific.

This was well written, didnt much care for the ending(excluding the rats)

I liked the dialogue, it was pretty cool.

I don't get why they are drinking milk from rats, maybe cause it's cheaper.

I't weird, now after reading all these scripts I think these stories when I'm milkin' the cows.  At least it helps pass the time. :)

Hello Mr/Ms Big Vocabulary....
I thought the story was pretty average, a bit of a waste of such good descriptions and characters.


I spose theres spoilers.


Yes...but you can call me ‘Bob’.

And on that note, maybe you should have named the characters, probably wouldn't of made much difference if you did but sometimes the little things count.

The whole story only had a pinch of horror.

I love the opening scene description.  Very vivid and descriptive, but the real great thing is that not a word was unnecessary.  It all provided action.

In fact all of the descriptive action is top notch.

On Page 5, I wonder about a line where the Fugitive says 'Don't ruin this moment for me.'  Is it that big a deal to say that?  Wouldn't he be more interested in getting out of sight?

I really like the father character.  He is very believable.  Measures his thoughts carefully like a good amish patriarch.  Very good.

I agree with Bert.  There is no redemption, just shock.  The ending was a little bit unsatisfying and not horror in the traditional sense.

Thanks to everyone for their review.  I tend to write mostly animation so I was working a bit out of my element here.  I was going for something subtle with a disturbing undercurrent.  By the responses I think I mostly succeeded.  

Pia:

You're the first person ever to refer to my writing as gross.  Usually I hear 'nice' or 'sweet'.  Guess I must be growing as an artist.   :)

Seth:

How could you not know it was me?  I thought the rats would be a dead giveaway.

Sryknows:

The Simpsons did it?  I guess nothing is knew under the sun.

Bert:

I knew it was a bad title too once I noticed practically every other entry used the word milk in their title.  My original working title was 'All of Gods' Creatures'.  I probably should have stuck with it.

Ape:

What about the story did you not like?  Was the pacing too slow?  Was it too obvious or routine in its setup?  Just curious.  These things are important to me.

RJW8625:

It seems the ending bit with the officer didn't work for a number of you.  I think that's what you were refering to anyway.  I probably should have just ended it in the barn.  Your point about the fugitive's line of dialog is noted too.  I guess he was just still a little out of it at that point.

Quoted from mgj How could you not know it was me?  I thought the rats would be a dead giveaway.

LOL -- The two stories are so absolutely different that it didn't occur to me!

Seth

Although I wouldn’t consider this one among the best, it’s far better than many other entries.

It has milk, but it doesn’t have horror.

(spoilers)

Drinking rat milk is disgusting but no terrifying.

I thought that the fugitive was going to wreak havoc in a peaceful farm; I liked that the story went against my expectations. But I would say the premise is a bit unbelievable in some parts; being tricked to drink rat milk is not a good reason for the fugitive to want to go back to jail.

Pretty good writing style and nice descriptions, although as other readers mentioned this feels a tad overwritten. I will try to back up this claim with some examples:

“A milkmaid is pictured on the sign, conveying the local traditions of the region.”

The only thing that the audience will se at the theatre is the “milkmaid pictured on the sign”, not the rest of this description. So it must go.


“A pair of bare feet dangle lazily in the sun.

Further up to reveal a GIRL sitting atop the protruding limb of an ancient Oak tree.”

The director will be the one deciding if the camera furthers up or pulls back or whatever. This kind of directions drag the reader away from the story and don’t belong to spec format. Of course, you can do whatever you want if you produce and direct yourself the scripts you write.


“She could be only 13 or so.”

Six words are not needed here. This is the way to tell character’s ages in proper script format:

“A GIRL (13), blah blah blah”


One more: “Her eyes however convey a certain ageless wisdom, a harden resilience forged from years of pain and struggle.”

The camera cannot record all that; it can capture a sad look at the most.

Bottom line, I’ve got mixed feelings about this one, but it has its good moments; I hope some of these comments may be of help.

Hi Mgj, it was my last one reading. Now I read all of them (includding mines :).

I think it was well developed but as someone above said some speaks were weak like "you're angel". The famers also didn't make their job well i supose. I think they wouldd be more misterious and when the fugitive found out the rats spot it seemed to me so flat. But don't worry it was just my opnion, you know. Maybe a rewriting on it will fix some problems.

Anyway, good attempt!

Thanks Mr.Z.

Your comments about it being overwritten is something that has plagued me since I began writing scripts.  I'm beginning to think I may not be a screenwriter at heart and more of a short-story writer as I'm finding it increasily difficult to cut down on my descriptions.  It's like tearing off a bandage sometimes - very painful to do.

I'm a little surprised most people don't see much horror in it.  In retrospect though, after reader some of the other entries, I can understand why; there's not much bloodshed here and my style is pretty restrained.  As well I agree - drinking rat milk is gross not scary.  

Quoted from mgj Your comments about it being overwritten is something that has plagued me since I began writing scripts.

Don't worry man, every writer is plagued by this same problem when they start.

Quoted from mgj I'm beginning to think I may not be a screenwriter at heart and more of a short-story writer as I'm finding it increasily difficult to cut down on my descriptions.  It's like tearing off a bandage sometimes - very painful to do.

I can understand the pain, but I disagree; your screewriting style is, IMO, pretty good. It might need some tweaking here and there, but you write visually and to the point. Don't feel discouraged.  8)

Quoted from Mr.Z I can understand the pain, but I disagree; your screewriting style is, IMO, pretty good. It might need some tweaking here and there, but you write visually and to the point. Don't feel discouraged.  8)

Thanks.  I'm in too far to quit now anyway.  I do somethings well, I think.  I just need to focus on the stufff I don't do very well.   :)

This was rather good. You got me intrigued from the get-go. Good setup of the action. I liked the whole "Amish" feel to the people in that society had corrupted him. As soon as they mentioned the operation in the barn, I wanted to be there. His reaction to the milk only heightened that desire. I loved the ending as well.

Overall, you did a fine job here for a short script. It felt very complete. It had a beginning, middle, and end. It was well-constructed.

My only complaint was him giving a name of "you can call me Bob." The only problem with this is that no one used the name anywhere in the story. If he's going to give a name, someone might as well use it.

From a standpoint of the other comments I looked over, I admit that I recalled the Simpsons episode where the Springfield mob was selling rats' milk to the elementary school. Couldn't help that. That episode had the complete milking apparatus you have in your story, cages and all. I admit that a "why" to the rats' milk would have been nice, but he didn't hang around long enough for it.

I thought the ending was amusing. I liked it just because it worked for me, and I didn't overanalyze it. The horror in the story was more for the fugitive than it was for the audience.

I still say well done.

Thanks for the read George.

Quoted from George Willson My only complaint was him giving a name of "you can call me Bob." The only problem with this is that no one used the name anywhere in the story. If he's going to give a name, someone might as well use it.

It never even occured to me but you're the second person to bring this up so maybe it should have.  Now that I think about it, having them refer to him by his alias does have a certain creepy undertone to it.

Quoted from George Willson I admit that I recalled the Simpsons episode where the Springfield mob was selling rats' milk to the elementary school.

That show must have seeped into my subconscious.  I'm not sure if I plan to revisit this one or not but if I do I'll most likely change it from rats to some other type of farm animal or vermin.  Actually, what's in the barn could really be anything but for the purposes of this exercise it needed to be milk-related.

Quoted from George Willson I admit that a "why" to the rats' milk would have been nice, but he didn't hang around long enough for it.

I did try to explain that, sort of.  The father's sermon about 'making use of all that god has to offer' and 'nothing going to waste'.  I guess this was sort of a cultural thing that, for them, seemed like a perfectly normal thing to do.

See when I was reading it, and the bloke got to the barn and looked around - I was convinced there would be lots of women caged up like battery hens to produce milk! Just my twisted mind at work again I suppose...

Quoted from haemogoblin10 See when I was reading it, and the bloke got to the barn and looked around - I was convinced there would be lots of women caged up like battery hens to produce milk! Just my twisted mind at work again I suppose...

Welcome to the site haemogoblin10.  This was my first foray into horror.    Now, if you want to read something really twisted, check out 'Spoiled'.