Spoiled by A Member - Short, Horror - After his mother stocks up on dozens of gallons of milk, Ian notices how starnge begins to act. 6 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format 8)

Well that was a mix of things.

SPOILERS...

I thought it was very well written. At the beginning, I totally forgot about this challenge was supposed to be horror so when we first hear about something alien-ish coming from inside the mom, I was a little freaked out, in a good way.

The little story that followed was pretty good and very gruesome. One thing that spoiled 'Spoiled' was close to the end where they just sat in the room for an hour... I didn't really get that. But the ending itself was good so I guess I can let that go for now.

A good piece of writing I think. Enjoyed the read. Well done to whoever...

Jamie :)

So far this is the most milk orientated short i've read. It was very horror like too, so all in all good work.

Wasn't Jaynie against smoking? That kinda confused things for me.

Hey.

I think you should get rid of the milk being on a t.v. news thing, you don't need it and it just distracts.

Your characters, I thought, were well established, or at least established enough for a six page script.  You did well with the challenge, for it most certainly involved milk, and it was definetely a horror.

Definetely fix your typos, especially in the log-line, don't take your log-line for granted, it is extremely important.

-Tyler

SPOILERS


This one was right on with the challenge, and it was a pretty neat story.
That was pretty cool when the mother's leg broke, then her face fell off. I was like, Oh No! LOL
I was definately on the edge of my seat reading this.
Good job.

Cindy

This one is alright.  But it's another one that leaves so many questions unanswered.

We've got the requisite milk and monsters -- and you try not to be too harsh on the finer details for a one-week challenge -- but this scenario demands more of an explanation.

Is it an invasion or something?  If you are going to toss a television newscast into the mix, why not devote a line or two of dialogue to filling in some of those blanks for us?

And Higgs is right about the logline.  The OWE is no place for typos and sentences that make no sense.

On the plus side, Ian and Jaynie were pretty well-formed for very few pages.  Good job on that.  And good job overall, actually.  It was still fun to read, even if it ultimately suffered from a lack of sufficient details about what was really going on.  

I liked this one. The kind of unanswered questions that we have here is kinda cool. It was well written and didn't drag on anywhere, but the other Spoiled was better.

Cheers, Chism.

This one was interesting. I liked it. A little on the unnatural side though. Running from the milk monster and then and hour later, they forgot and went back out?

And why'd Jaynie say you don't like the smell of sex and cigarettes, when she was smoking a joint?

And then, the way Ian was talking to his mom seemed unnatural. Jaynie's comments were pretty funny though.

And weed killed it?

This one reminded me of the faculty a little bit. But a decent read though.

Quoted from Steve-Dave This one reminded me of the faculty a little bit. But a decent read though.

Ha yes the faculty. Actually that alien milk one reminded me of that, but i see how this reminds you of it to. The water and all......

This was a great short...Until the last page.  Then it just kinda fell apart for me.  They just get tired of sitting in the bathroom and decide to leave?   :-/

Aside from that, this was a fun read that had some great visuals.  I dug the whole face falling to the floor bit.

Good build up, but I felt let down at the end.

****SPOILERS****

This one has a lot of good qualities. At first, it started out along the lines of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers,” a favorite of mine.

Then it got gross. I was willing to forgive some of it because of the particular kind of story and the writing quality but it went perhaps a bit overboard.

The part I liked least was Jaynie. Her character was okay at first but her smart remarks weren’t easy to appreciate under the circumstances. I didn’t buy someone talking that way about someone’s mother just after her body had been mutilated beyond recognition right before their eyes. It was a cruel thing to say and seemed out place here. That is, taken as a serious story.

As a lark though, it’s fine as it is. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a B-movie called “Flesh Eating Mothers,” but it’s an hilarious zombie movie with memorable lines like, “My mom just ate my baby brother!”

It needs to be proofread for very minor errors. Other than that, the format is fine. The storytelling is good and as far as the challenge guidelines, out of the ones I’ve read thus far, this one most rises to the challenge. It’s also the most expandable one I’ve read yet.

Brea

Wow! This was one more like other two I've read: the winged monters and Will and Dan...I think two of writers decide write together!

As Brea said Jaynie was a nice character with good sense of humor.

Good reading, unfortunatly it was very short.

By the way I loved the descriptions of the front page. I'll reproduce it:

(Name of Project)
by
(Name of First Writer)
(Based on, If Any)
Revisions by
(Names of Subsequent Writers,
in Order of Work Performed)
Current Revisions by
(Current Writer, date)
Name (of company, if applicable)
Address
Phone Number

Very professional, dude!

Too bad it had the same title as the one about incest. Easy to overlook.

Plenty of horror here and plenty of milk. Got to give it that.

THis one fit the theme and genre quite well.

THe descriptions were great, lots of blood annd gore which I like :)

I think there needs to be a little more explaining on what was going on, maybe an extra page or two.

In the end I thought this was fit quite well for this exersice. :)

Nicely written for sure, I really enjoyed it. Sure it went a little overboard at the end, but it was still good.

One thought I had while reading, what if the two teens were doing some stronger drugs and this was all sort of their minds playing games with them and they end up killing the mother, who was really quite normal and not doing anything bad at all. Just a thought.

Good job!

Pia
8)

Thanks for all the reads and advice.
It's appreciated. A lot of you said you were disappointed at the end
I was rushing to get this in on time...i think i just barely made it, it was supposed to be longer too. Its probably the reason for some of the mistakes.
Thanks again


-shawn

Quoted from Helio Wow! This was one more like other two I've read: the winged monters and Will and Dan...I think two of writers decide write together!

Well, there ARE quite some coincidences here but I have no idea who this guy (shawnkjr) is. I still haven't really gotten by to knowing the members of the board quite well...

Anyway, I thought this screenplay read fast and it wasn't only because of the short length, which is very good. Highly enjoyable, but I cannot take credit for it as I wasn't involved at all. Still, there are some starnge similarities between the stories!  :o

For the record, I wrote Killer Lactose, the one with Will and Dan. lol

Hm, not bad. You've got quite the freaky monster thing going on, and one that thrives on milk, no less. Ian and Jaynie were actually decent characters for their part, partly because the first two pages were devoted in full to them. I also found it was paced fairly well, too.

I'm going to guess Jaynie's relative flippantness with the situation is because she's high? That's the only reason I can concoct as to how she could react so blithely to the weirdness. I could see it initially, but at some point, you gotta find the milk overkill to be disturbing.

You played the monster card to a T with the ending, and the way they defeated mom was not bad either. An earlier comment references the why this is going on, but really for the length it is, there's not much to explore. After all, Night of the Living Dead gave us a zombie invasion and no logic behind it.

So this was a decent entry as well. I liked it for what it was.

Haha! I actually meant to read Jordan's (theboywhocouldfly's) Spoiled but turns out there's two of these things. Anyway, no harm done. This one was pretty decent. I like how you set up the story with the gallons upon gallons of milk. Nothing particularly horrible but you can tell instantly that something's a little off. I liked your creature as well although I would've liked a little more description of it. What I was picturing was something eel-like. Not sure if that's what you were going for. Wouldn't have hurt to know what the damn thing was either but that's not such a big issue. Anyway, you did a pretty good job with the guidelines you were given. Not much else to say. Good job.