The Milkman Still Delivers by A Member - Short, Horror - A marriage becomes incredibly twisted when a wife indulges in an adulterous fling with the local milkman.  8 pages     A October '06 One Week Challenge entry - pdf, format 8)

HAHA:D   I liked this one, some pretty gross stuff here ;D

The descriptions were nasty and vivid, I like it when a writer does that.

This was a quick read and had an intersting premise with the regeneration theme.

I don't know if the Sheriff really acted appropriatly, but that didn't bother me so much, he just seemed like some kind of kill junkie, the shoot now ask questions later type.

other than that I thought it worked pretty well.

hey.

This had very little to do with milk, try and find a way for it to be more involved for it to really fit the challenge, it shouldnt be too hard, just have the husband obsess over it or something.

SPOILERS!!!!

When crane reappears, you use (v.o.), when you should use (o.s.), the difference is that he is their and saying the things out loud, he's just not in the current scene.  v.o is used for narration or thought.

I thought it ended too soon, but it was creepy, and I think you did well with the horror theme.

also, maybe your time laps was too large, our police are a little better than letting a mass murderer go on for months, maybe have it just be a few weeks later.

-Tyler

Reminded me of Jeepers Creepers, with the whole regeneration thing. I really liked one line the Sheriff said, "Boy, you need to redefine your definition of right." It just stuck out and sounded really cool.

All in all a good quick read but had little to do with milk.

This moved a little too quick for me. I think you should have delved just a bit deeper into the story, and explored it's themes more. Especially in the beginning. You should have implimented the regeneration theme earlier.

I think you explained too much through just saying it in the description. Like at the beginning, how are we supposed to know that that was the husband and his wife was fucking the milkman? What if the milkman was just her husband, and there's a maniac lurking outside? I know later the officers explained everything, but that just seemed too convenient. When He killed his wife and milkman, there should have been more dialogue to explain what is happening. otherwise, if we were just to see it, without reading your description, I think it would have been confusing up until the cops arrive.

You also had no character description.

Decent though. I liked the themes, I just think your execution and technique could've been a lot better, and you could've been more clearer, explained more through dialogue and delved deeper into the themes and dragged it out more.

If I am correct, this author might be surprised to know that I recognize him.

I might have liked the beginning a bit more had I not just -- unfortunately -- read 3-4 exactly like it over the past few days.

However, the diner scene that follows, though a bit overwritten, is quite effective.  But I would have the blood land somewhere other than his shoulder.  Perhaps in his glass of milk, where it slowly spreads?  More visual, I think.

The visual with the truck trailer would also be good, but the tangent this story ultimately takes comes straight out of left field.  You would need to set this detail up a little earlier.  I don’t mean explicitly, but perhaps plant a seed of what is to come during the very first scene, where we first meet Crane.  It would strengthen the end.

But that’s a nit-pick.  Fine work for a week here, and well-written, too.

SPOILERS





This was pretty cool.
After the opening I had no idea where this was going.
Once Crane was killed...I thought he'd come back as like a vengeful spirit or something but once they said that Crane was a scientist experimenting in cell regeneration, I knew exactly what was going to happen. My only complaint is that it doesn't really have anything to do with Milk.

It was very well writting too, but I don't know...I'll give you the right to be silent...for now, of course and but answer us after...

Good job anyway!

Oh, that ended rather quickly. I was just getting into it. That last scene, the dialogue and what was going was making this an interesting piece. I must go on now to say that this didn't have much to do with milk, though a lot of the scripts only have minor references to it like this one.

Still, I liked the idea. The descriptions were top notch as was most of the dialogue. There were some grammar mistakes nearer the end (that I noticed). The word 'their' was used instead of 'they're'. This tells me a little more about the writer maybe... I'm so sure that I've read a script a while ago with the same sort of descriptions and wording... but I may be wrong.

Good job with this one but wasn't anything to do with milk... and not a whole deal about horror... well, not horror horror. It was gruesome and horrifying but wasn't scary at all... until the ending.

Jamie :)

****SPOILERS****

I liked this one. It’s very well written except for a few errors:

P7 - their dead - and - their not quite dead - should be “they’re”

P8 - Your dead - should be “you’re” dead - got to watch that kind of stuff

Story wise:

You did a good job of sustaining interest in what could have easily been just another slasher. When it got to the point that I knew the direction it was going, I admit I immediately felt a sense of, “Oh no. Here we go with the standard zombie fare.” But you kept it different enough to sort of side step around that about as much as possible.

The only thing that really stood out plot wise as sort of out of place was the first moan in the truck. The officers just blew it off the first time. I thought that was kind of unfeasible. I couldn’t imagine someone being in a truck full of bodies, hearing a moan, and dismissing it altogether.

Overall, it was pretty good. Good job.

Brea

Another grammar slip: used "preformed" instead of "performed".

The investigation was suspenseful, and the ending felt right.

Great story! The only thing I was unsure about was the milk thing. Others commented on how you should have used milk better in the story other than to say he was the milk man. You could have shown us how your regeneration formula was delivered through milk or something like that. Any great job.

This was quite enjoyable even though once the regeneration thing was explained I knew where it was going.  I really enjoyed the sheriffs dialogue for this.

This was a good horror script in my opinion, but had almost nothing to do with milk.  That kind of makes sense though because it's extrodinarily hard to have both, especially in a week.

The only complaint I really have with this script is I felt the beginning should have had more too it.  This made the ending feel a little too rushed and sudden.

Anyway great job.

Hmm, rather well written, but a little brief.  The shock ending was a bit too much of a shock, you know?  Needed to foreshadow a little there...seemed contrived.  Still, as I say, the description was rather nice, some of the visuals were good, and it was certainly tight.

Hey Mr. Dead President, you did pretty good here.

Like some of the others have said there was almost no milk in this one. Since the wife ended up in the bed with the milkman you could easily have used a little imagination and added some milk into that scenario....or maybe that's just me.

I'm not sure, but I think you need to have the wife and milkman in capital letters even though they don't have speaking parts when you first introduce them.

I also didn't really understand why this was 34 years ago. I think the whole regeneration thing would have seemed a little more realistic nowadays.

I think the horror factor worked pretty good here and the most disturbing part for me was the rotting bodies in the truck and the moaning. That would be really sick if someone was laying under a pile of corpses.

Good Job.
8)

Zavier,

Your story took off once we get to the diner scene.  Before that I thought it was sort of ho-hum.

Watch the passive descriptions - that infidelity scene has too many "Begins to..." and "Starts to..." before the action comes.

Some Spoilers:

I loved the diner sequence with Crane enjoying his meal and then we see all that lovely carnage around him.
I do agree with Bert about setting up the regeneration/story-end theme better at the beginning.

Perhaps the good doctor knows about the wife-milkman affair.  Perhaps after killing his wife, he injects her with serum or something.  Then have her return in zombie form.  Maybe she steps out of the dark in the end.

Killing so many people, just to revive them.  I guess he completely lost it. Early in the story, with his wife and milkman getting it on in the bedroom, Crane appears tormented before killing them. I guess that was the final straw.  He turns into a mad scientest.

When he's enjoying his last meal (or is it his last meal?), you mentioned the newspaper next to him.  Maybe a headline should proclaim the Formula One revival serum as the find of the century.  Yes, I think the newspaper headline dilly is a cliche, but it could work...

I was kind of hoping all those dead people would awaken, crawl out of the truck and trudge their way toward the highway, back to the big city.  Ala "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things" and "Shivers."  Ho ho.

Pia asked why the story takes place 34 years ago.  Some significance?

Overall I would say that you're attention to vivid description is terrific.  I loved your last OWC entry about the escaped convict and knew I'd be in for a treat with this read.  A Nixon script now gets my undivided attention.