The Marriage Proposal by Spencer McDonald - Short - A sudden impulse to ask for a hand in marriage turn south for one young man. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

What? WHAT? where's the rest? That can't be the end. It makes no sense to end it there. I need answers.

Leslie pushes him over with her stiletto hill.

little bit of a spelling error i found in that pointless short. I was anticipating a good ending, but what did i get:

She points.

Please tell me this was just an error and that there is more to the story.

Alex -- This was only a practice scene. Sorry it wasn't a story. I guess I should clarify. I am looking for input just on the dna of the scene.

The goal was first she rejects him. Then he asks some stranger the same thing, showing his wierdness. The women decides to accept  his proposal and asks him to do something crazy if he is to win her hand.

I was trying to write short descriptions and fluid dialogre around that scene only.

Sorry, but thanks for reading.

Spencer

There was nothing wrong with your description. It was direct and understandable. Your dialogue was... weird, but fluid. You have a knack for making weird characters. I think you succeeded with your goal, but the end REALLY left me hanging.

Sorry buddy but this was half a short, to say the least. I want to see him call the construction worker gay. I want to see what happens and, even more, whether or not Tamara is true to her word. Why's this Andy guy asking random girls to marry him anyways and why is Tamara so quick to change her mind?

All in all, this script is incomplete to boot. There's so much more you could do with this. As a matter of fact, it's absolutely neccesary you expand. You've barely got a skeleton of a story here and even as a scene in and of itself, it's too bizarre. Hope this helps.

Congratulations!

You've given short a new meaning.  

Just kidding - I get why you posted it as is (says so right on the title page). I can't say much about it though.

I thought the dialogue was a bit formal and stiff in parts.

It left me wanting to see him propose to the construction worker.

Thanks to everyone for taking a very quick glance.

Yes. I do agree it is not complete. It was not suppose to be complete. This was meant to merely be a scene, yet with conflict.

Thank you for the heads up on the stiff dialogue. I will take a quick look back. Sure the construction worker thing might work right into my comedic way of writing.

Spencer

Hey Spencer,

This was really funny. I can't really comment much since it was a small scene as you put on the title of your work. the dialgoue was in the middle between reality and fairy talish. The descriptions were good. This is pratically what I can comment on unitl the whole story is revealed. Please post it so i could find out what happens at the end.

Gabe

I will work on getting it better and repost soon.

Spencer

This is very competant writing. I hate when my teachers say that to me. It's like "Yay!!! I'm competant!!!" Anywho, 3 notes. First, I do believe the scene is an Exterior shor, and not Interior as indicated. Second, I wrote scene #2 for you.

EXT. WILSHIRE BOULEVARD - LATER

Tamara leans agains the wall, chewing gum and twirling her hair. Andy, with the blackest eye you have ever seen walks up to her.

                   TAMARA
              (grabbing Andy's hand)
        Okay. I know a priest.

The End

Third, one sentence made me think.

Lying face up Tamara takes his hand and helps him up.

This literally means that Tamara, despite lying face up, was able to transcend gravity and help Andy onto his feet. Perhaps: "Andy, lying face up, is helped to his feet by Tamara." Or even just "Tamara helps Andy up."

Hopes this help. Keep up the good work.

Hey Reads -- Good catch on the lying face up thing. You make an excellent point. The way the description is written it looks like an impossible magic trick is being preformed. This is why I have others proof read my stuff.

Thanks buddy,

Spencer

Hey Mc you should continue it like this:

Andy swings his hips to the worker.

         Andy
Hi, new bus!

        Worker
What?!

         Andy
(points to Tamara)
That slut out there said you are a sissy!

         Worker
She said that?

         Andy
(checking his nails)
That's right, love. She said that, yes.

The worker stops to do what he was doing and runs furious to Tamara...

I understand what you were doing, but hasn't it been disclosed that you don't post works in progress (I'm not talking about First Drafts but incomplete works)?

Jonathan -- Thanks for hte quick read. Truth be told, I was really not writing anymore than a simple scene. It was a writing exercise for me. I was looking for comments on the devices in the scene. First he is rejected, then he goes crazy and asks a total stranger the same question, she has a sudden change of heart, except that he mus do something first. Only those four elements were intended to be in this short scene exercise. Others seeme to think it was incomplete or... who knows.

Spencer

what?? this is an outrage!!! what happens next?!?!?!?! i demand answers!!!












just kidding:P i read the other replies ;D ;D good enough description of the scene. although not the way i would have done it. also the characters need more description.