Retribution by Matthew Ruby (mwr311) - Horror - The Parker was family was your typical family. What started out as a typical Friday for the family turns into a deadly nightmare when three men break into their house sadistically tortue, tourment, rape, and murder them one by one. 76 pages - doc, format 8)

This is just the first draft of the script. I plan on writing two more. So every comment and tip is helpful. Thanks :-)

Hey!  Just finished your script so it's time for (drumroll)

* SPOILERS *

* I thought that the script kinda started off slow.  Maybe I have a short attention span but it seemed to kind of drag for the first part of your script.
* You might change the time when the "cable man" comes over.  I've yet to see a cable guy who comes over at six in the evening.
* To me the dialogue needed some work.  Nothing major but it seemed kinda forced at times.
* The whole rape / revenge thing reminded me at times of Last House On The Left.  Although I did like the idea that the men who broke into the house were seeking their own "Retribution" of sorts.

Overall a decent read, not to bad but not the best horror / revenge script either.  Lots of nice gore (Dads torture was nice)  ;)

Nice effort!

Brion

Quoted from darthbrion * You might change the time when the "cable man" comes over.  I've yet to see a cable guy who comes over at six in the evening.

I remember when my cable guy was coming over to switch boxes on me.  The appointment was for Monday afternoon and he showed up at 7:00pm on Tuesday.


Phil

Quoted from darthbrion * I thought that the script kinda started off slow.  Maybe I have a short attention span but it seemed to kind of drag for the first part of your script.

I definitely agree with you. That's one of the first things I noticed when I was done writing the script. I plan on working with that. Thanks for reading :-)

Did anyone else get a chance to read this?

Hey Matthew thought I'd give this a read.


SPOILERS!!!


You write that Nrandon snuck out last night, not sure how we would know that.  I mean we could assume that he's sneaking in I suppose, but I'd leave out the bit about the night before, but sam informs us later anyway.

Meredith goes to get some syrup from the fridge, again we wouldn't know what she was going for.  Best to say she takes out the syrup from the fridge.  This may seem pedantic but it's little things that make read better.

You don't need to put things like Sam answers her, just put her dialogue.

Not sure about parentheticals, I think there for speech tone only and not who the character is talking to.  I say this but don't hold me to it, I did this and read somewhere about it being for tone so changed mine.

'Meredith remembers something that she planned on asking Samantha and Brandon earlier.'  Not sure about this sentence.  Not sure how you can show that she remembers something other than saying it.

'She then gets to her brother...' I'd take out 'then'.  Better to write in the present tense.

Seems like I'm picking up the bad things but so far it's reading well and the conversation at the table is very believable, good stuff.

I would like a little more desriptions of the characters, just so I can picture them.

     BRANDON
Do you got it from here or do you want me to talk in with you?  I didn't get this dialogue, is there a mistake in it?

'What they don't know is that they're being watched in the distance by someone parked on the side of the road.'  You need to show us this, like 'a figure watches the girls from afar'. Or something like that.

'No one's on the other end.'  How do we know?

Well I'm guessing I'm about a third of the way in and calling it a day.  I'll finish this tomorrow and continue my review.  So far...it's a bit of a slow burner.  Not sure what the stories about yet, or who's the protaganist and antagonist?

Brion commented on your dialogue being forced, maybe sometimes but overall I thought your dialogue was good.  Some of descriptions assume things the viewer couldn't possibly know so best check them.  Anyway good news is i'll defo be back to finish this to see where its going.

Awesome. Thank you for your insights and taking the time to read this. I definitely agree with you on where I wrote 'Meredith remembers something she had to ask Brandon and Sam' I'm looking back at it and it doesn't make any sense. Anyway, once your finished reading I would love for more feedback and if there is anything I can read for you in return let me know.

Hey Matthew, just to let you know I'll finish this tomorrow and leave more feedback.  Just really busy - 5 hours overtime, I'm cream crackered.

Finally found some time to finish this...

When switching locations inside the house you could simply put a scene heading of KITCHEN, LIVING ROOM etc.. but this is your call.  The way you have is right too.

'Samantha makes her way into the living with the glass of water in her hand.'

You could simplify things like this to: 'Samantha enters carrying the glass'.  again though this is your call.

I may have missed this or forgotton cos I started this a couple of days ago, but did you mention earlier that the house was isolated?  Ben mentions it thats all.

I've noticed a CUT TO: This isn't needed.

Samantha's 17 right and she gets naked, touchy subject me thinks.

'Samantha is still sitting back and relaxed when she hears something the bathroom door close.' - This doesn't make sense.

'The music is too loud to hear Samantha's cried.' - This should be 'cries'

Well I said it was a slow burner but its fianlly kicked off.

The only problem I see is that Brandon signs the document for Ben and then must leave him down stairs on his own.  I would have thought that signing signals that Ben would be finished and then leave.

I still think you need some character introductions.

Where does Ben pull the gun from, he's naked isn't he.  There's only one place and it doesn't bare thinking about.

You tell us the intuders names long after we first see them, this should happen when they first appear.

Nice shocking moment though when Ben guns down Meredith.

Oh I've just noticed that if I'm right that Ben was naked, he still is cos he never put any clothes on.

I think your family needs more emotion for their murdered mother.

Ben seemed to be the leader but now Bobby's took control.  Oh where's their dad cos he's gone a little quiet?

Brion touched on this but it does remind me of 'last house on the left', no bad thing.

You put 'all the lights were off' this should be 'all the lights are off'.

     BEN
Go find out who that is. If it's a person you know what to do.
What else would it be - this dialogue reads a little strange.

Man this is brutal in places, blowing peoples heads off.  Nice.

I have a question.  You have Ben and Slim in with Richard and Bobby with Brandon and Sam.  I would have Ben and Richard together alone.  This would clarify your antagonist and make him appear more sinister, being that they would more tension between Ben and Richard.

Nice disturbing scene, Richard being niled to the chair.

I wonder if Ben and Slim wouldn't wonder why a shot was fired by Bobby?

'Richard is can barely see straight from all the loss of blood.' - This doesn't make sense.

This post is getting a bit long so I'll continue on another...

...

Shoving Richards finger into his mouth is quite sick.  This started out as a lovely family film and now decended into sick.  This is good, building a nice atmosphere then quickly changing it.

'Samantha and Bobby look at one another.' - should this not be Samantha and Brandon?

You didn't mention that Brandon picked up Bobby's gun.  if you didn't want us to know until Ben kicks him just put that a gun drops to the floor and not 'Brenden drops his gun'.

     BRANDON
I did. Right after I fuckin' killed stabbed him. - This doesn't make sense.

     SAM
I need you to run as far away from the house and possible. Do you remember where Mrs. Stoker, our neighbor? - you missed out 'lives' here.

First you say Brandon was shot in the shoulder and then later the chest.

I don't know but I always feel 'the car won't start' is a bit of a cop out.  Like a 'I don't know how to keep this going when there's an obvious escape route, so lets just make it so the car wont start.

You could maybe drop in a conversation earlier about the baseball bat in the back of the car.  Meredith could comment on it.

Where did the axe come from?

'It's broken when Ben tries opening up the closet door, but she had locked it.
He knows she's inside.
Without anymore thought he starts breaking down the closet door.
The door falls apart.' - I've picked these few descriptions out because it shows the differnces in the way you write.  Writing 'he knows she's in there' isn't needed but simple things like 'the door falls apart' are nice short and easy.

'He wasn't dead.' - again this isn't needed.

Ok I've finished.

I had a little trouble distingusing your protagonist at first was glad to see Sam step into the light.  It was slow at the beginning but came good at the end, with some nice violence.

My only problem, your grammer not being one cos everyone makes these mistakes, is that I think you need to touch on Ben brother more.  Not sure how, maybe a scene showing them together would help but maybe not?  Can't quite put my finger on it really but I think it does need some thing, maybe a quick scene showing his brother being sentenced?

Overall I thought this ok.  Your dialogue was good and very good in places.  you do need to work on your descriptions and the way you describe your actions as many are not in the present tense. Good though I liked it, but you could definately make this stronger.

Awesome. Thanks for reading. I will definitely take everything you said into consideration. Everytime I write I always look back to make sure I didn't leave out any words, but I always overlook some, argh!!! I hate that, lol. Thanks for noticing so I can fix it.

No worries mate.