Print Topic

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Sci Fi - January 07 One Week Challenge  /  Popheads
Posted by: Don, January 21st, 2007, 6:28pm
Popheads by Henry Higgins - Short, Sci Fi  - A group of teens hang out in their apartment experimenting with Popco, a galactic illegalized drug. Meanwhile, a dangerous situation brews between two Popco dealers and a potential buyer as accusations and guns start flying around. The story soon builds to a tense and thrilling climax.  15 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Zombie Sean, January 21st, 2007, 8:12pm; Reply: 1
First things first, I laughed at the title. Nice pun you got there.

Second, I've never seen so many f-words in a 15 page script. There was one practically in each line.

Third, I wasn't really able to comprehend what was going on at some parts, but that usually happens when I'm reading a script. I usually understand things better when I'm able to see it acted out. (sort of like Romeo and Juliet)

Lastly, I may have missed something, but what was with the yelling? Is that just the usual yelling you hear every time you walk into those types of apartments? Where there is always one room with a couple or a family who won't stop screaming at each other?

Sorry I wasn't able to understand some parts that happened in this script, but my eyes are tired and I myself am a little tired also.

Sean
Posted by: mcornetto (Guest), January 22nd, 2007, 4:18am; Reply: 2
A Pulp fan, eh? Go?

Good title.

I thought the first part was fun, it built up well, but I was a bit let down by the second part.  Probably because I found the script a bit cliche storywise - I've seen this before.

Also, your actions were beyond the capability of presentation on the screen.

You are a good writer though. Keep at it.
Posted by: Mr.Z, January 22nd, 2007, 4:11pm; Reply: 3
I liked this one, it's got some kind of Tarantinesque feel... everyone pointing guns at everyone, an over dose, different stories that intersect...

It could use a little more of sci-fi; despite the sci-fi-ish title cards, the story felt "from this world". You've got just a new kind of drug as an extraneous element. Nevertheless I'd say you nailed the theme and genre, and you made it without the "illogical" angles/situations that the comedy genre allows the writer to get away with.

There's a plot in here and it flows quite well, although I would say that these story begged for some kind of twist or punch line at the end, which wasn't there.

All in all, pretty solid entry. One of the best ones.
Posted by: James McClung, January 22nd, 2007, 5:46pm; Reply: 4
This, ironically, seems to be the first entry I've read that has more to do with popcorn than with sci-fi. With the exception of the pulse guns and the holograms, there wasn't much sci-fi at all. I think you could've beefed it up a little bit. Still, the story, for the most part, is quite original. I have to say the O.D. followed by the needle through the chest was too similar to Pulp Fiction. Derivitive isn't the word. I'd say taken or, if you'd prefer, borrowed. I haven't seen any other movie with such a scene. Nevertheless, your use of the popcorn theme was innovative. Good job! Finally, I think the story could have been structured better. Although they overlapped each other, the popheads and the dealers feel like two separate stories. I think they would've complimented each other better if they were spliced together rather than separate.

In any case, a very original take on the popcorn theme and relatively well written. Not bad.
Posted by: spencerforhire, January 22nd, 2007, 9:47pm; Reply: 5
I have to agree with McClung. You story does not have much sci-fi other than the cards at the beginning. By the way, their should only be one card adn not tow. The cards were over used. The dialogue was... well not very good. It didn't smack of real dialogue that drug dealers or users would use. Some was stilted and very old. Your descriptions were way overwritten. Remember that the producer of a film will want some creative license to twist you stroy into his or her vision... so let them take the reins fo this aspect. Only give us the bare necessities of the showing and not over telling of the story. And whne you write dialogue, close your eyes and visualize your characer. What state are they in. Distressed, or happy? Then you will know what they would say and how they would respond. Until you let the character dig into you mind you won't be able to really write the correct dialogue. For a one week exercise is was just ok. Keep writing -- each story gets better and better. I know my stories do . It's a process.

Spencer
Posted by: Higgonaitor, January 23rd, 2007, 11:04am; Reply: 6
Hey.

You had two plots going on in this, which normally can work well, but I felt that it did not in this case.  You introduced a lot of characters in the first scene only to have them dissapear after a line or two.  The second scene you introduced the characters, but they were hard to differentiate, making an extremely confusing scene.

And then when you pulled the two together you got a qucik little break and then the first scenes plot was over and then the second scene went on unaffected, and then ended itself.

I think you should pick one storyline and stick with it, or make it so that the two involve eachother more.
Posted by: Steve-Dave, January 23rd, 2007, 12:43pm; Reply: 7
This one worked and didn't work for me. You might as well just have called this Reservoir Fiction. Which is weird, because I thought this started off really good, but as it went it just got more and more less interesting and more copy catting. And it didn't have much sci fi in it. But some parts had me laughing, whether or not they were intentional or not I don't know. But them debating if he's a cop I thought was pretty funny, and this chunk of dialogue from Marq: "Don’t be a fuckin’ pussy
Pasquale. Chew it and eat it. Fuckin’ tastes just like popcorn, like mom used to make it, huh?" Just had me cracking up for some reason. But yeah, you are a good writer when you're not taking scenes from Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs.
Posted by: greg, January 25th, 2007, 11:53pm; Reply: 8
Dude, I'm sorry.  Maybe it's because I'm not a Tarantino fan(cause everyone here is saying it's Tarantino-esque) but I didn't know what the heck was going on here.  I mean it seemed to me that all of the characters had no personality but had the same speech patterns, and then I just felt the flow of the story dragged after page 4 or so.

Sorry.  Not my bucket of daisies.
Posted by: tomson (Guest), January 27th, 2007, 11:01am; Reply: 9
I thought this was pretty well written.

Some elements of sci-fi besides it being set in the future and a different use of popcorn.
Good job on that.

The story itself didn't grab me, but that's just a personal taste thing. Some people thought mine was like a fairy tale. Different stories appeal to different people.

It started out pretty good, but the second half left me cold. Perhaps there were too many characters in this short amount of time to really get to know and care for any of them.

Not a bad entry though.

Pia :-)
Posted by: Helio, January 27th, 2007, 3:44pm; Reply: 10
--------( bad words here!)

I'm not sure about it. I swear I know I have read or watched something like that somewhere! Maybe I'm high! Maybe it was the popcorn I'm chewing right now. Well written...hmmm, yes it was, but...Lot of characters names into a little short...So I never was so tough about a script here I'm now, but it won't be the first time...I have to read it again. Sorry!
Posted by: Parker, January 28th, 2007, 8:25am; Reply: 11
Well, this certainly wasn't everyones cup of tea. Though, I don't like tea so I'm not sure what to say. ;D From this OWC I learned that using too many characters in one story, which also had two stories into one, in a short, is not such a good idea. Thanks for everyone who gave this one a read. I'll hopefully finish off reading the others now.
Posted by: Steve-Dave, January 28th, 2007, 8:29am; Reply: 12
I thought this was you Parkster. I just didn't commit to guessing you because of the pulp fictin and reservoir dogs referrences, but everything else had the same kinda tone as Gravy Peoples.
Posted by: Parker, January 28th, 2007, 10:42am; Reply: 13
Ha, thanks man, big fan of Quentin but tried not to make it that obvious in one script. ;D But yeah, when writing this, I did feel kinda the same when writing Gravy People.
Print page generated: March 29th, 2024, 2:09am