The Rainbow Express by Raleigh St. Clair - Short, Sci Fi , Popcorn - A Space merchant is hunted by a ruthless Bounty Hunter. 8 pages - html, format 8)

Wow, I should have figured out what I was about to read by looking at the title, but I didn't really give it into much consideration.

This script has a lot of sci-fi in it, but I didn't see any popcorn. But it was still good. I got confused at some parts, because there were points where I didn't know what was going on, but they all came clear as I read more.

Sean

I liked this one a lot. This was a real down-and-dirty un-politically correct sci-fi. I thought the dialogue was great (in the context of the style), there were some laughs, some decent action, and interesting characters you don't see a lot of in sci-fi. Kind of like Star Wars on crack. That's my interpretation anyway.

Still, the script's not without it's flaws. The biggest one being the fact that Big Hog is a bounty hunter yet all he does is sit on his ass and eat "chicken." That's not what a bounty hunter does. That's the exact opposite of what they do, actually. They're supposed to hunt. Big Hog does no such thing.

There also doesn't seem to be any popcorn in this script. The MTV Movie Award just doesn't cut it as far as I'm concerned. It's just a statue and even that doesn't have much significance in the story. Also, I don't think Al Pacino ever received an MTV Movie Award. I think he's a little too classy for that. I don't even think MTV had the Movie Awards back in the 80s. After all, that's when it was actually music television. Sorry. That just bugged me a little.

In short, a really fun, original piece of work with a distinct sense of style. Great job!

Events happen here in a sort of arbitrary way, feels like the author just made things move a long in order to get some laughs out of the reader. It’s got a “Spaceballs” feel but with a dirtier tone.

Can’t say that the story grabbed me but I chuckled with the bounty hunter’s behavior towards his slaves.

No pop corn in here, mate, although there’s plenty of sci-fi.

This one was fucking weird, but you definitely get an A for creativity, I'll tell you that much.

SPOILERISTICS.................................................................................................

The MTV popcorn trophy was a clever way of incorporating popcorn, though, did they have the MTV awards when Scarface came out?

I also got confused a couple times at what was going on. One was Hog talking about eating the lesbian cunt, I thought he ate her out or something, and then he's eating chicken as he says it, but talks as if he's eating her that moment. and say it "tastes" good, when if it were "tasted" good, past tense, it would have made more sense, so that was worded oddly.

Also, at the end you used a lot of he does this, and he does that, but didn't give the names, so it was hard decifering which he was doing what. At first I thought Little Willie killed himself with a stab in his gut, but I think he stabbed Hog right? Cuz you just put "He pulls out a knife and jabs it in his gut" But who's gut. What went where. It was confusing. But all and all it was very creative nonetheless.

Yeah, I dug this one. It was pretty good though no popcorn what-so-ever to be honest. The award might look like popcorn but it ain't so. That by itself let this one way down for me. All I can say is good job with the story, flow and everything but you should've incorperated popcorn into it much, much better.

First one for me :D

I read they synopsis and I knew who wrote this one.

This was really funny, I thought some of the dialogue here was great.

The way popcorn was used with the MTV movie award was very creative.

You got the theme and the genre in there an used them in a different way, so good job there.

I dunno really what else to say, it made me laugh a lot so good work sir :)

now only 14 to go.

I liked this one, I thought it was quite funny. All the little things from character names to description to dialogue.  I liked how you took this not just into comedy, but a step further still by adding the Gay/lesbian angle.  This is what I think of as kicking a script up a notch.

I loved the dialogue.  I'm not going to quote it here since some of it is....  You know.

You definitely had the sci-fi genre, but you were short on popcorn, although it was in there.

I liked the different earth items in the shop.  Those items give you away as the author at least to those who are familiar with you and your scripts.

The ending with Little Willie was subtle.  I guess he wanted a memento of his master, but everyone may not have got that part.

All in all I enjoyed it and had a good laugh and like  James said, an original piece of work for sure. I even liked the titile.

Good job!  8) 8) 8)

I can't say that I cared much for the treatment of homosexuals in this script. I know a good number of people who would find it quite offensive.  I understand the whole politically incorrect thing and I don't really have an objection to it and it would be ok if it was humourous but it wasn't. I didn't get a chuckle out of this script. Plus to add insult to injury there wasn't any popcorn.

A word of advice. If you are going to make fun of a segment of population in a politically incorrect way then you should NEVER use derogatory words that offend that segment. They won't laugh it off. Using the term faggot in this piece was its downfall.  

Hey.

I didn't like this one very much at all.  I could tell that there were parts that were supposed to be funny, but I just found them pretty dumb.  Although there was plenty of sci-fi, what you had as you popcorn hardly counts as has been established previosly.  Things seemed to happen on a whim as if nothing really mattered and in the end nothing really did.  Also, I'm gonna have to agree with mcornetto on doing a bad job with the trying to make jokes about homosexuality.  It wasn't like you were making fun of a certain stereotype, but simply the fact that they were gay, which alone shouldnt really be funny.

I really just did not enjoy this one much at all, which is too bad.

-Tyler

You know, I felt this one overall was clever, but I also think it could have been alot better.  There's alot creativity in here and some clever themes and I liked the references you used that were drawn to earth.  Big Hog didn't seem like a typical bounty hunter, though.  I think if he was more involved in the action then maybe things could have flown better.  I mean I can tell that some of the crude exchanges in here were supposed to be funny, but they just didn't come off as it.

Nevertheless I liked this piece.  Good job.

Quoted from Kevan This didn't do much for me except act as an enema…

...

Quoted from Kevan I'm not telling you off or raping your knuckles here, just simply asking you think what you write before you post it because you can offend others here.

I'm asking you the same thing, sir.

Screenplays don't give enemas, I'm sorry to tell you.

Everything posted here was awesome as far as being helpful goes.

To those who read it, whether it offended you or not, I still thank you for reading it.

I agree. I am having a proiblem with opening scipts but I was able to open this and I liked it because it seemed tongue in cheek in nature . It was campy and was probably intended as such. Good job.

--Kotton

Since Eddie Murphy is beyond the scope of this thread we will talk about this script. It's quite offensive. It might be a lark but it isn't funny.  As far as being anti-gay, this piece reeks of it. I’ll tell you why.

1. Use of the term faggot to refer to a gay person is quite offensive. I've already said this.  It is similar to calling a black person a n*****. Would you do that in one of your scripts?  Would you expect blacks to appreciate it?
2. The hero Raffi is gay, born and bred that way, but he doesn't want to be gay.  He doesn’t like being gay? Hmmm!
3. The lesbian couple are referred to as "two abominations will be executed for crimes against humanity".  I’m sure the lesbians I know would love being referred to as abominations.  They would definitely buy a copy of this film and watch it over and over again.
4. The villain, also gay, is brutally castrated at the end.  I don’t think I need to elaborate on the symbolism of this act.

This script is filled with gay people and not ONE of them is portrayed in a good light, they are treated with hatred and disgust.  To me that pretty much makes it bigoted and anti-gay.

Wesley is entitled to write whatever he likes, I would never try to censor him. I would never try to censor anyone!  But I am damn well going to express my opinion. I would hope that Wesley realizes that he was likely to offend people with this script. If not, now he does.

I do not have to justify the script as the life span of a short is two months and it dies. The Molly Dolly was much worse and it never sparked this. Why? Because it's not my personal feelings.

People are smart enough to realize it's meant as entertainment. I don't expect everyone to like stuff but don't come in here calling me a gay basher.

I can live with my screenplays because I separate myself from the stories that I tell. I have no problems sleeping at night because I'm not trying to change the world.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley I do not have to justify the script as the life span of a short is two months and it dies.

We have to justify everything we write here Wesley,  that is the nature of these forums.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley The Molly Dolly was much worse and it never sparked this. Why? Because it's not my personal feelings.

Are you saying this one is your personal feelings?

Quoted from Old Time Wesley I don't expect everyone to like stuff but don't come in here calling me a gay basher.

No one called you are gay basher.  I said your script was anti-gay.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley I can live with my screenplays because I separate myself from the stories that I tell.

Apparently not, because you seem to be thinking you are being criticized rather than your story.  Take a deep breath and realize that this is about the script...not you.

The nature of these forums is to express yourself through writing.

This is a short... is this the worst short you've ever read? Probably not. I have read some very disturbing shorts on this site that describe rape, murder and torture.

This is just dialogue and suggestive themes.

Jordan here got a disclaimer from Don for one of his shorts.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley This is a short... is this the worst short you've ever read?

No. What I presented was my criticism of your short.  When my criticism was questioned I merely brought up the facts behind my judgement.  Is it that hard for you to accept my criticism?

I haven't even seen you address a single one of my points, all you have been doing is blustering about how I am picking on you, calling you names. Other people have done worse you say.

I would think you would be interested that someone had such a different opinion of your script. I think you would want to understand why, try to work it out, try to improve, try to become a better writer, but I guess you aren't interested in that.  

So, I've had my say. And since you really aren't interested in my feedback I will try to avoid commenting on anything else you have written. I will leave that to the people that like your work and give you flattery in return for the read.

Ciao.

If that's what you think, good riddance. Honestly though, I love criticism but you made this personal by saying that these are my feelings on a culture. I know the dialogue was mean, I wrote it that way.

The rules state do not attack anyone and encourage others. That is what you're doing with your anti gay speech.

You ignored half of what I said too and just used what you wanted to pick your battle. Pick your wars more carefully because looking back through this I was playing it cool and calm standing my ground on the anti gay part.

I never got defensive over the negative reviews. In fact I said thanks for them. I did not like the enema comment which has no bearing on this script or message board and neither does my personal views on gays.

What's far more amusing than this weird conversation is that if it didn't have the gay topic (which is a super-hot political topic lately), this thread wouldn't be near this long. If the gay theme were swapped for a Christian theme, no one would care.

The gay community is by far one of the most sensitive I've ever seen (and that includes the African-American community which was number one until the gay community came out ). If anything (and I mean anything) can come across as (gasp!) anti-homosexual, then the writer is completely screwed. You can get away with racism in a script easier than something against the gay lifestyle.

I think people are way too sensitive about this and need to let it go. People will have their opinions. Always have and always will. Screaming and yelling about it won't change a thing.

wow. And i will say great screenwriters and directors use common phrases such as n****** and f****ts. it is a way for effective dialogue. I think Tarrintino is the most effective example here. If you have a scene with 2 white gangsters talking about somebody ethnic. Chances are they will definately not be politically correct in this hypothetical script.

I wanted a chance to address some of these points here, as they fall within the realm of script criticism.  As a disclaimer, did I like the script?  Not really.  I think the author's done much better work.  This felt rushed.

Quoted from mcornetto 1. Use of the term faggot to refer to a gay person is quite offensive. I've already said this.  It is similar to calling a black person a n*****. Would you do that in one of your scripts?  Would you expect blacks to appreciate it? 2. The hero Raffi is gay, born and bred that way, but he doesn't want to be gay.  He doesn�t like being gay? Hmmm! 3. The lesbian couple are referred to as "two abominations will be executed for crimes against humanity".  I�m sure the lesbians I know would love being referred to as abominations.  They would definitely buy a copy of this film and watch it over and over again. 4. The villain, also gay, is brutally castrated at the end.  I don�t think I need to elaborate on the symbolism of this act.

1.  The use of 'f*****' - Yes, calling a homosexual a f*****  IS like calling a black person a n*****.  Both happen in film all the time.  Heck they happen in music all the time.  And in literature.  Is it nasty in Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men" when the word n***** is used?  Yeah, it is.  Would you say that it's offensive?  I wouldn't.  Perhaps one would say that the reason that it is offensive here is that there is a lack of meaning or necessity behind the use of the word.  Maybe there is, but it is a script of excess.  In this case why not also accuse the script of being horribly violence-endorsing?  To me the fact that someone would choose to react only to a specific objectionable quality of the script would seem to imply a single-minded crusade rather than a realistic judgement of the work.

2.  The gay hero who doesn't want to be gay - The quote is this:

RAFFI
I had a similar thing but they
said I was gay. I grew up and I
felt a strong attraction to women
and ever since I've been trying
nicely to have sexual intercourse
with them but they seem
uninterested by my advances.

First off, this appears to me to be used entirely as a setup for a joke.  I know - bigotry can take the form of humor.  So let's look at it this way...if every character in the script was straight, and the hero had always felt a strong attraction to men, would this script be a proud banner for homosexual pride?  Or would it be offensive to straights?  No.  It would be exactly what it is now...a script with a bad joke on page two.  The simple fact that a group has been subjected to criticism or hate does not mean that we can allow ourselves to perceive injustice on an unequal scale.

3.  The "abominations" - This is a line of dialogue, not a line of description.  It does not reveal the writer's or even the script's sympathies but rather the character's.  Again,  in Steinbeck's "Of Mice and Men", the stable buck is referred to as a n*****.  I'm black, I own "Of Mice and Men", and I've read it several times.  No need to be sarcastic.

4.  The gay villain castrated - EVERY character in the script is gay.  This makes it hard, in my mind, to justify offense or the perceiving of this to be anti-gay.  Let's search further for symbolism.  The gay villain treats his gay lover poorly and professes to enjoy the taste of "lesbian c***".  Perhaps here the writer is signalling us that the villain is, in fact...STRAIGHT!  This gives a whole new meaning to the castration, in fact, conversely, does this become anti-straight?  I won't reiterate my point about  unequal perception but I feel that it applies here too.  Analyzing symbolism in this script is giving it more merit than it deserves in that respect.  Even as unconscious symbolism I think this is a stretch.  Something I think that no-one can contest: if you want to find something in the course of analyzing a text, you'll find it.  The Boogeyman is a metaphor for homosexuality.  Shakespeare's plays are all about black rights.  Dickens was a pedophile.  Give me time, and I'll find you the evidence.

I'm not trying to change anyone's mind here.  As has been stated, it's anyone's right to be offended.  But was this script written - either consciously or unconsciously - to be anti-gay?  I don't think that's a defensible criticism.

It seems like I am not permitted to refute the statements above because Wesley deleted my harmless rebuttal post. He will probably delete this one as well. Makes you really wonder who is trying to censor whom though. Doesn't it?

Buddy, let it go. Your last post was probably deleted because you had said the exact same thing previously.  We all get your point, and hopefully you get everyone elses point.  Theres nothing left to argue about, so just stop and let this thread go back to what it should be: Peoples advice on Wes' script.

In the spirit of worthwhile feedback, I read this one. It had its moments. What I find the most amusing about this entire thread is that the characters' sexual orientation was incidental to the story. It played into the humor of the characters by reversing some stereotypes, but on the whole, I really don't understand the fuss.

As for the script, it was all right. There were some moments of humor that worked and some that didn't, and I think some of it was more or less spoof material, and if you don't know the source, you won't get the joke. Other parts were attempts at sex or toilet humor and those never work much on me. I found it amusing for the most part, which is what one can expect from comedy.

Plotwise, it was a bit on the thin side. It has a narrative and it was completely understandable, but some of the characters' motives were a little hard to follow, such as why they want to help Raffi at all. Gotta seem risky to them. Why does Big Hog feel like he has a claim on earth, and what happened anyway? The climax was a bit too easy given how heavily guarded Big Hog seemed. I also don't really understand the deal with the force field. I assumed it was on, and it was really off? Why didn't they notice this sooner?

The characters were all right for the length and the number you had. With a little more length, you could have made them a little more real to us, especially the one who died. She was here and gone, so her death had very little impact beyond her name (which struck me as a gag using the Sting & Police song). Might have been nice to have a little out of story info about them so we could sympathize a bit more.

Overall, it's not a bad one week exercise, and it certainly stirred a fuss for some reason, so that's got to count for something.

Quoted Text 1. the injection of a fluid into the rectum to cause a bowel movement.

So, was it refreshing?

I think it's just an ignorant comment but I wont delete this post because I want Don to read it.

I don't need to send him any messages. If I wanted your comments gone, I would delete them. I liked the feedback but that extra comment was not needed on this board, you know that or else you wouldn't reply.

I would rather you keep your personal experiences with your anus out of my threads though. I do not need to know about them.

Thanks for telling me about it though.

I was ready to read this script, because I think it was the last one from OWC I haven't  to, but now I'm afraid to do it ,becuase I learned with my ancestral people that power is part of few people and humility belongs to the majority, so maybe next time I will read onother one...Just in time, I did remember my vicar when I was 13...He said: "Son, the heaven was made by demons too!"

Anyway -- I am back from delete land.

If you are true to your craft you will write what is really inside of you.. without reservation for political correctness. We need to really take a deep look at our characters and go into their minds. Feel what they feel. Speak like they speak. If you are not doing that, you are not going to be able to write dialogue that is crisp and believeable. If your character is a racist, then write the things that that character might say. If your character is a christian, write dialogue that matches that characters state of mind.

Be bold to write what matter to you! Be create with everything you write. That means be original. And most of all... stop wihining and start writing!

Spencer

Really? It had a comment that was encouraging others to attack me for being a mod.

Then it went way off topic and a rant like he said in his post.

I should leave those posts because...

Quoted Text 3. Do not be disrespectful of other members, do not put down other members of the board, do not attack or encourage other to attack a member of the board.

That's all you guys are doing. It wasn't a big deal until it was revealed I wrote it. That is my problem. Now I get personal attacks through Pm's... I mean really and it's not even about the script anymore.

I did not mean you. I'm talking about Spencer and Mcornetto. Everyone else is being cool. Reviews vs personal attacks are not the same thing.

Saying a script is anti gay is personal against the writer because the characters as admitted by most readers are gay which means they cannot then be in fact anti gay unless you mean the writer. Which is me.

I reserve the right to delete off topic posts. A post about me or a post about the subject of gay is not on topic. The Rainbow Express short is on topic, not just a simple blah mention.

I don't think you understand how the moderator/sub admin stuff works. You see when Don would go away for a week, he would leave the board and make me sub admin so I could help out. He must have thought I did a good job because I've been sub admin for a very long time.

Any negative things that have happened under my watchful eye have never been my fault because I'm a stickler for the rules and follow them to a perfect compromise. Some people will like it and others won't but it is not my problem to babysit either.

Furthermore I am also a writer and I do not want my threads to be thrown into disorder because a few people have a grudge against someone DON chose as a helper much like every other mod.

If it makes me a bad guy to be both a writer and a moderator, then darn it I'm screwed but as someone once told me... I got nothing but maybe someday, someone will tell me something that is useful and it would fit in there but probably not.

Quoted from Old Time Wesley I did not mean you. I'm talking about Spencer and Mcornetto. Everyone else is being cool. Reviews vs personal attacks are not the same thing. Saying a script is anti gay is personal against the writer because the characters as admitted by most readers are gay which means they cannot then be in fact anti gay unless you mean the writer. Which is me.

It was utterly not my intention to offend you in any way.  It always disturbs me to read things that depict oppressed minority groups in a derogatory fashion. My response was in no way meant as a personal attack and I apologise if it was perceived as such.

People can work themselves into such a froth over the written word.  It really is power, isn’t it?

The way I see it, poor old Wesley is just trying to keep his thread from descending into chaos.

In this corner, people are taking offense at censorship.  In the other corner, Wesley just wants posts about his story, without all the additional crapola.  Is that asking so much?
  
So, two sides to every story.  Both sides need to take a deep breath and let it go.

There truly is far, far worse to be found on these boards.

I’ll give you a funny quote.  I hope you haven’t heard it before.

Fighting on the internet is like the Special Olympics.  Even if you win, you are still retarded.

As for the rest of you on this thread, you can delete your own posts, too, you know, if you have written something you now regret.

Just tossing that out there for your consideration.

Wesley has said he will delete posts that are not related to his story.  If your post is not related to his story, quit yer' bitchin'.

Wesley -- I totally agree that all unrelavent posts should be deleted... including yours. Now, before you hit the delete button again and censor me one more time, I think you should really leave this post and let Don decide. That was a great recommendation and you should be commended for suggesting it.

I want you to know I was willing to let this go after our spat last night... Then you used my name only because you think you are better than I am. I have proof in an email and will use it if need be. I recommended back in a previous spat session with another moderator that we should have the equivalent of a Zoolander write off. Let's do it... me versus the mods. And we wont be able to respond only those that did not write.

Spencer "For Hire" McDonald

Quoted from spencerforhire a Zoolander write off. Let's do it... me versus the mods. And we wont be able to respond only those that did not write. Spencer "For Hire" McDonald

What?  Huh?

Quoted from spencerforhire I recommended back in a previous spat session with another moderator that we should have the equivalent of a Zoolander write off. Let's do it... me versus the mods. And we wont be able to respond only those that did not write.

I think this is the internet equivalent of a good ole western duel.  I also think you should go by your avatar quote there and just let it go.  

Nice work, Steve.

"I mean Helio's weirdest scripts make way more sense than that."

Dear Jordan, now is time Helio stays dead, dude!