Pencil by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Short, Comedy - A man, Bishop, soon finds that if you masturbate, God kills a kitten, and when his cat, Pencil, is one of the unfortunate kitties, he must find a way to hide its death from his wife, who loves Pencil with all her heart. But soon, strange things begin to happen. He is easily entertained by dangling threads, coughing up hairballs, and finding mice a delicious meal. Is the death of Pencil driving him to the brink of insanity? Or is a certain feline friend trying to posses him? 24 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is very fun. Kind of sadistic, and disturbing, but funny none the less. I like the final sequence, but think that the very last scene could be stronger. I think that Kat's horrofied face being splattered with cat guts might work well.

I like the scenes of Bishop turning into a cat, and am left wondering why this happes. After he confesses to Haley does he get better?

Page 7 - "stare" not "stair"

Page 13 - "Coming on to me" means something else. You want to say, "I think she's onto me" or "I think she suspects something's up"

Page 18 - "as he chases after the mouse" not "as she chases after the mouse"

Page 20 - "our cat" not "out cat"

Good work here. Keep it up.

Hey Sean,

This was a pretty cute story, kind of the cat version of the Shaggy dog.

I think the idea of the script s funny, wanking=kitty killing, no wonder so many cats get hit by cars.  Does this include women or only guys?

I think Kat is kind of a flat character though, the whole "I'm a christian" angle didn't work for me.  I think it would work better without that.  Have her lie and be on with it, you could cut out a page or so if you did that.

Some of the dialogue was too on the nose, explaining everything all the time, mostly in the begining with Bishop when he's talking to himself.

I thought the gags in the script worked, the fly, the mouse, the nose rubbing, all pretty funny.

I liked the ending a lot as well, it reminded me of the scene in Gremlins when the lady kills one in the blender....LOL

Anyways good one :)

Oooooo..... Morbid ending :-/

I really liked this one! The story was interesting and the characters...Were a little underdeveloped but they were okay. I loved the subtle humor of it all and I really laughed at the resturant scene. That was just plain funny :)

You did forget "- DAY" at the end of your headliners though. Tha'ts not good.

But good job! Few spelling mistakes here and there but nothing terminal... Not cat-wise anyway :P

Hey, guys thanks for reading. First of all, I really wanted to be the first one to comment on this, but was at work all day, so I didn't have the chance to put this up:



That's the picture that was sent to Bishop.

Now onto replying:

ReadsHarsher: In the end, and I should probably explain this more, Bishop confesses that he killed his cat. And that is when the cat fiasco is over. I could probably explain it more by having a few days past and him realizing that he hasn't been acting strange any more. But it'll be the ironic part to where the audience knows he's acting like a cat, but he doesn't know.

Jordan: I kind of forgot about the whole "Kat is a Christian" thing and was going to use it later when I was planning on having her find out Bishop masturbates. But since I scratched out that plan after I wrote the page, I think I forgot about it. And wondering what happens when women masturbate...well, take a gander at this:



Daniel: With the time endings at the end of sluglines (you also mentioned this in my OWC script), there's a rule to where you can have it to where if you switch scene locations, but it's on the same day, then you can leave it without the slugline ending. Such as: "INT. SCHOOL - DAY" and then you swtich to an office scene, it would be "INT. OFFICE" without the DAY or NIGHT.

Thanks for reading you guys and I have waited patiently for this script to come up. I know Don's a busy man and all, and I'm excited that this came up and that it got laughs. My goal has been finished. I made people laugh at one of my scripts. :P

Sean

Hey Sean

You ight have a typo on the top of page 2, 'Bishop groans as SHE crawls out of bed', should this be HE.

I got a bit confused when you said Bishop goes to the bathroom, when he's already there - then I guess you been polite in saying he used the lavy. lol

I don't know if P.O.V's are always best to use, maybe leave that for the director?

Some of Bishop's dialogue, when talking to himself, seems as though he is talking to someone.  I think it's maybe because he always refers to Haley as Haley and not she. (if that makes sense).

One question, I'm not sure but I thought 'parentheticals' were to indicate the way the character speaks and not actions while speaking.  Maybe wrong here though.

The way you describe your actions is very good and interesting.

Lol...now I know what the posters are all about, very funny.

I like the hairball incident.

When Bishop says to Kat 'I think she's coming on to me', this sounds strange but maybe that's just me being English because over here, someone coming on to you means their flirting.

I don't get the A, B, C, D thing, is this a montage?

I love the way Bishop begins to act more cat like.

typo page 15 read sould be red.

If Haley wanted to see her cat surely she would just go see him?

typo top of page 23 bag should be back.

The blending of Freddy is very funny, but pobably shouldn't be lol.

I would add a 'fade out' at the end.

Overall I thought this was very funny and a great concept, very original.  The changes in Bishop were good but seem to happen quickly.  This is not a bad thing but if you ever wanted to lengthen the story this would be a good opportunity.  subtle to start and then the obvious man chases cat.

I really did enjoy this read, Good stuff Sean.

Hey alffy thanks for reading. First things first, sorry for the typos. ;D

Quoted Text Some of Bishop's dialogue, when talking to himself, seems as though he is talking to someone.  I think it's maybe because he always refers to Haley as Haley and not she. (if that makes sense).

I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say (lol), but like, are you saying that whenever he talks to himself, and mentions Haley, he always uses her name instead of the pronoun "she"?

Quoted Text One question, I'm not sure but I thought 'parentheticals' were to indicate the way the character speaks and not actions while speaking.  Maybe wrong here though.

I do that a lot sometimes. I don't know if it's breaking a rule or anything, but I find it easier than having them speak dialogue, break it with actions, and have them speak again, when you can easily use perenthesis for actions.

Quoted Text When Bishop says to Kat 'I think she's coming on to me', this sounds strange but maybe that's just me being English because over here, someone coming on to you means their flirting.

ReadsHarshly pointed that out already, and I didn't know that "Coming onto me" and "I think she's onto me" meant the same thing. I guess nobody's really tried flirting with me before...;D...:-(

Yes the A,B,C,D thing is a montage.

Quoted Text If Haley wanted to see her cat surely she would just go see him?

Bishop told her that Pencil was in Kat's apartment, and whenever she wanted to see him, Bishop would stop her and try to think of an excuse, since he knows Haley adores the animal and he doesn't want to see her hurt.

Quoted Text The blending of Freddy is very funny, but pobably shouldn't be lol.

And that's what we call "Dark Comedy" :P...or is is Black Comedy?

Thanks for the comments.

Sean

Yeah I just thought that Bishop saying Haley seemed strange but then if he is talking to the dead cat and not just himslef, it sounds better.

Does that make any sense at all?  I guess when I first read it I pictured him talking to himself and so made my opinion on that but now if I think about it and he's actually talking dead Pencil, it sounds better. lol

I thought this story was cute, though it was as subtle as a sledge hammer to the face.  Tone down the masturbation or else we'll call this the new The Cabin.

This script also needs to be tightened up.  The story you have here could easily be cut to to fifteen pages, if not ten.  Your opening description:

A man lies in bed, the sheets pushed all the way to the end and one leg hanging over the edge. This is BISHOP KELLER, in his late twenties, with five o’ clock shadow connecting to his brown, shaggy hair.

could easily be trimmed down to:

BISHOP KELLER (25) rolls over in bed, kicking the sheets off him.

His hair color and five o'clock shadow aren't important.

At the end of page two, you have him waiting for the shower to get warm.  I don't think I've ever seen this in a movie.  The water's usually perfect right from the start.

Get rid of the headers.  They're not needed in a spec script and just waste page space.  You don't need them each time you show Bishop in the bathroom and the cat playing in the bedroom.

Oh, and who uses a blender without the lid?  Think about it!


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I thought this story was cute, though it was as subtle as a sledge hammer to the face.  Tone down the masturbation or else we'll call this the new The Cabin.

Oh please don't. I don't want to be the next laughing stock of Simply Scripts.

Quoted from dogglebe This script also needs to be tightened up.  The story you have here could easily be cut to to fifteen pages, if not ten.  Your opening description: A man lies in bed, the sheets pushed all the way to the end and one leg hanging over the edge. This is BISHOP KELLER, in his late twenties, with five o’ clock shadow connecting to his brown, shaggy hair. could easily be trimmed down to: BISHOP KELLER (25) rolls over in bed, kicking the sheets off him.

I know. As I have stated in my past threads, I tend to get a little out of hand in my descriptions, since I've written stories in the past and usually in those, descriptions need to be so sharp you're able to see what's happening. :P

Quoted from dogglebe At the end of page two, you have him waiting for the shower to get warm.  I don't think I've ever seen this in a movie.  The water's usually perfect right from the start.

Then I'm being correct, because in real life, it takes a while for water to warm up when you first turn on the shower. I'm being correct and unique. ;D

Quoted from dogglebe Get rid of the headers.  They're not needed in a spec script and just waste page space.  You don't need them each time you show Bishop in the bathroom and the cat playing in the bedroom.

So I don't need INT. BEDROOM - DAY and INT. BATHROOM - DAY when switching from Bishop in the bathroom to Pencil playing in the bedroom? I'll keep that in mind next time.

Quoted from dogglebe Oh, and who uses a blender without the lid?  Think about it!

Kat set the lid down because she was about to churn up the fruits, but the dryer beeped, indicating the clothes were done drying. She left the lid off, which gave Freddy the opertunity to get a snack. Either way, if Freddy didn't get in the blender and she came back, she would have put the lid on before turning the blender on. So come to think of it, I did think about it!  ::)

Sean

I very interesting read. A few spelling errors and unnecessarily long paragraphs (mostly the descriptions of the characters), but interesting none the less. I give it three stars.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go kill a few kittens tonight.

(Just kidding. I probably just lost a lot of friends with that comment.)

Hey what you do on your own is your business, but beware the hairy hand!

SPOILERS...

pg. 2 - "Bishop grabs a coffee cup and pours some heated coffee into the glass." Somewhere, your coffee cup became a glass. Also, descriptions like this are needlessly bulky. It'd be better phrased "Bishop pours himself a cup of coffee." Stuff like this pops up again later. You need to tighten your descriptions.

- There has to be a better way to describe Bishop masturbating. This is far too blunt. You only need to give enough information to assume he’s masturbating, not spell it out. We’re a smart bunch, after all.

pg. 4 - Bishop starts to talk to himself, stating exactly what's on his mind. This might as well be in V.O. By that I mean this kind of monologue is no good. It's a poor way of moving the story forward. Try to find another way to show Bishop's plight.

pg. 5 - Again, Bishop talks to himself. No good. Not only that, here, he's just restating what he said on the previous page.

pg. 6 - Now here's the way you should have Bishop explaining himself. Through some honest to goodness dialogue. Unfortunately, he is once again
restating what's already happened. Instead, you should lose his monologue on the previous pages and reinstitute it within his dialogue with Kat.

- So Kat is a hardcore Christian, eh? Somehow I think she agrees to help Bishop a little too easily.

pg. 11 - Why would Bishop send the message "fuck off" to someone who didn't intend for the email to be taken seriously. I'd imagine this was a friend of his. Stuff like this doesn't exactly pop up in spam.

- These cats don't seem to act realistically at all. One minute, they're purring or rubbing against someone's leg, the next they're growling and hissing. Cats are simple creatures. For the most part, their demeanors are consistent.

pg. 14 - I don't understand the purpose of this A-B-C breakdown. I'd lose it if I were you. You’ve said it’s a montage but the scene functions the same without it.

pg. 15 – Lose this office bit. It’s completely useless. If you were trying to get at Bishop acting like a cat, there’s plenty of that in the next scene.

pg. 19 – “A week and a half.”

- Haley gets over Pencil’s death way too fast. Fix this. She should still laugh at Bishop’s “#2 Pencil” though. It’s corny, sure, but I don’t know who wouldn’t crack a smile at it.

This was an amusing read. The subject matter could have lead this in all the wrong directions and you could've wound up with a heap of tired masturbation jokes yet you managed to come up with something clever and original for this. The result was a pretty solid dark comedy. Still, while you're in pretty good shape so far, this could use some improvement.

My biggest issue with your script was your descriptions. They're too bulky. Sentences tend to get a bit too wordy and you repeat some information from time to time. The same goes for the dialogue. No need to go over what's already known. You have to keep the story moving forward, not backward.

I also think you could beef up the characters some. After cutting out the stuff you don't need, you'll be able to fill the empty spaces in your script with character development. You could also beef up on the subplot with Bishop's cat-like behavior. That pops up near the end of the script but doesn't last long.

All in all, I liked this one a lot. You managed to produce a healthy dose of good laughs, some really quirky gags, and some gross bits as well. I particularly liked the ending. A Freddy Smoothie! So funny yet so wrong. For the most part, I think that's what you've got going for you here.

Good job, Sean.

Zombie -- Your script reads like a novel. Some of the descriptions were very specific. Good description and too much. Trim them down and they will read better.

A point... I am not sure if a monsterous crow could carry a cat away. Maybe, just not sure. I do know that Owls have been known to be able to do this.

Your storyline was good. A bit of humor, yet I was distracted by the long descriptsions. Keep writing.

Spencer

THanks for the comments yous guys. :P

James:

I know, I know! I must have authoritis (pretty spiffy pun, I'd say ;D) due to my descriptions! I get out of hand with them and I want to make sure the reader knows what they're seeing! I can't help it (well I can, but that's too much work :P) and I will try and tone it down next time.

Quoted Text - These cats don't seem to act realistically at all. One minute, they're purring or rubbing against someone's leg, the next they're growling and hissing. Cats are simple creatures. For the most part, their demeanors are consistent.

Well, yeah, but male cats don't do so well with each other if they weren't born in the same litter. Males are more protective with their territory. Since Freddy and Pencil are both males, and that Freddy can somehow sense Pencil existence inside Bishop, he doesn't take it too kindly.


Spencer:

Holy cow, I can't wait to see how many people point out the length and descriptiveness of my descriptions. :B Please, don't mind the descriptions. They don't bite, so do not be bothered by them and continue on with the storyline. ;D

Sean

haha, I really enjoyed this script. I also checked out your other scripts. Dead and Walking is probibly your best in my opinion.

Well this was certainly original.

For 24 pages this was an amazingly quick read for me.  I really enjoyed the very sadistic, but entertaining ending, which probably makes me a horrible person, but that's how I write as well.

All the typos I noticed were mentioned in other people's comments so I wont bother with those.

The main aspect I didn't like about this script, which others have already mentioned, is it is too blunt.  I agree with Phil that it should be cut down to about 15pgs or less and I also think this may help add a little more "suspense" I guess (I don't think that's the best word for it though).

This definately was a script for me, as I strongly dislike cats, so excellent work.

Pat

Hi Sean,

I read this 'cause I don't think I've read any of your stuff before, but I think now I will.

This was a very cute little story with hillarious ending. I was outright chuckling at some points while reading, which doesn't happen a lot for me. The ending was perfect.

Like others have mentioned, there's too much description, and generally I feel it's probably a bit too long for its own good. I think you could've reached a satisfying end-point within 15-20 pages.

The premise is great, I think, but you juggle a lot of sub-plots, introducing characters like Kat, Debbie and what's-his-face (sorry can't remember, Debbie's husband). Perhaps cut the dinner scene shorter, or leave it out completely. Him trying to eat a mouse is a bit too obvious and OTT, and the scene is merely there to further the notion of Bishop wanting to eat cat-food.

Instead you could have him fill his refrigerator with cans of tuna, salmon and the likes, eating the stuff out of a can. Or have him set up mice-traps. You could convey the same information in about a third of the space, and without introducing superfluous characters to a simply story.

But I quite liked your story and I think you've got some real talent in you, especially for someone so young. Next up for me would be your zombie-stuff, I'm a sucker for that stuff. :)

By the way I also caught some of your Final Destination voice-over work on youtube. That's some pretty funny stuff!

BrandNew: thanks for reading. (Sorry I couldn't get to your comment earlier). I've realized my mistake of having too much dialogue and I've finally been able to cut down on it on some other scripts I've been working on.

Death Monkey: Descriptions: got 'em. What's OTT? Sorry, I'm not a big fan of acronyms, so I try and avoid using them (except for 'lol', I'm hooked on those). I like the idea of an amount of tuna fish cans in his fridge and mouse traps. It's funny. Thanks for the review.

Oh, and my Final Destination voice-overs...Heh, you can tell I have a lot of time on my hands. I should finish them up (I haven't done any in a while).

Sean

Oh sorry...

OTT = Over the top.

On the other hand I never use ROFLMAO and the likes, so I think I'm balancing my acronyms okay.

lol.

Great script! Very quick read and easy to visualize! The story was original and the main character was very well developed which is mostly hard for a lot of writers to do with shorts. I think that you could have probably improved on the wife. She was a little bland in my opinion, but still likeable. I also really liked Kat.

:)