Cielito Lindo by Helio J Cordeiro & Daniel J. Toemta - Short - Most of time, our wishes could be something in our life that can make the difference between desire and revenge. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Haha, this was great! Couple of spelling errors here and there, but I really enjoyed this. Helio and Daniel, you two make a awesome writing team.

This is a really complete story. You've manage to set something up and appropriately end it in 13 pages. I like it how you didn't go into a lot of detail. You have kept the less important information vague, making the primary plot, revenge, even more noticable.






SPOILERS, GOOD ONES...







I was stunned by the end because i didn't put the clues together. I was sure that Miguelito was the one, then I felt so stupid when it immediately clicked.

Anyway, one thing that bugged me was if it was ten years later the how come the boy was "about eleven"? About ten would of made more sense.

Great read and good job!

Quoted from Alex J. Cooper I was sure that Miguelito was the one, then I felt so stupid when it immediately clicked.

Hah! Told you, Helio, we didn't need to change anything :)

Thanks for reading :P

I don't know any spanish, so the song went over my head. Is there anything in there I should know? Also, there weren't a huge amount of spelling errors, but enough to make me break away from the story a few times. Throat, not Throath. (6 and 9) Moves, not Movies. (8) Unlike Alex I knew the guy in green, as soon as we met him, was the boy. Miguelito made me wonder at first, but the clues were there, and I picked up on them. What I'm left wondring, and I think helio might agree with me is that Miguelito is not part of the story. All he does is through the reader off for about a page or two. There's no need for him, and I would give him he old heave hoe.

I like the mix of spanish and English. I would say that it should all be in english, because the implication is that it is all actually being spoken in spanish, but the slices here and there of spaish makes the dialogue sound more authentic. It's done well.

The story is also well executed. As Alex said, it has a beginning, middle, and end. They make sense, and go well with one another.

Dan- I like this more than J.P. because I understand why The Boy does what he does. The story flows faster than J.P.'s and the ending is more cathartic and complete becuase we have the background to the violence. Keep it up.

Helio- This is good work. Stay classy.

Ike

Thanks for reading.

You haven't seen much of my writing yet, Isaac, just you wait and see :)

Helio wrote the story for this one, I was mostly in charge of dialouge and violence. I'm actually kinda proud of that kitchen scene :)

Very good you two.  The Mexican feel to the whole piece was quite well done. I didn't mind the Spanish.  

I don't really have any major comments. The only thing I would suggest is that you maybe tighten the descriptions a bit as they tended to drag the story just the tiniest bit for me. This was most noticable toward the end.  But it was good so don't change it too much.

Oh, and I realised immediately who the guy was when he showed up at the end.

Hi Alex, Ike and Michael, by my part thanks a lot guys! My partner Daniel put pepper on it so good.

This was a well-written and well-organized script, a real pleasure to read.

Helio and Daniel, Nice work!

I enjoyed this one!

Nice set up with the boy and the motorcycle and wanting to be a delivery man and the singing in the beginning.

Interesting how the progression went with Jose (I think that was his name) going from seargant to colonel and so on and his personality getting nastier and nastier along the way.

I started to get a feel of revenge coming our way at the party though.

The mixing of languages was very well done. Just enough of the Spanish or Portuguese to give a feel of authenticity, but never did I have a problem understanding the meaning.

Really good job you two!!

Pia

Good job.  

This was a very fun read and like the others said, the mix of English and Spanish flowed together well.  There were plenty of typos that I got hung up on, but that may be because I'm a stickler for that sort of things (not that I don't have plenty in my own writing).

My biggest comment would be that on page 5, you have Miguel speaking instead of Carmen.  

Overall, it was good and I understood everything that was happening, including the green jacket guy, but I wish there was a little bit more on the borders of the 10 yr gaps.  Perhaps, though, it is best to just leave those bits of story to the reader to imagine because that tends to be far more graphic.

I would very much like to see this turned into a full length script as I believe it could easily have the potential.

-Pat

Hey guys wow! It was because Daniel was together!

Thanks a lot Petrick, Pia and BrandNew, yes my friend, it was an exercise in order to write The Son of Mariachi!