Slit by Chaz Gentry (jarrell1203) - Thriller - Candice Rodgers, a beaten down wife wars with a husband suffering from O.C.D. He forces her to perform odd chores and duties, while abusing her mentally and physically making her life a living hell. Through her recently divorced sister she meets Ezekiel, a local club owner who becomes her momentary salvation by seducing  her and  making her feel like the woman she would love to be. But after a painfully emotional miscarriage and a twisted rejection from her new lover, Candice’s world is shattered and everyone close to her will pay for it. 143 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Chaz, this sounds interesting and right up my alley, just wanted to know if you were around so I wouldn't be reviewing this for nothing.

Yeah I'm definitely here. Please check it out and let me know what you honestly feel. I need as much honest criticism as I can get.

Alright, cool. I'll probably start it over the next couple days sometime. Right off the bat though, your formatting looks a little off. The margins and what not, the pages look a little light which is why you have such a high page count. This would probably only be about 120 pages if it were placed more correctly, so you should fix that, and you have a lot of heavy chunks of description, which will be frowned upon. You shouldn't hav more than four lines in a segment of description, so you might wanna break those up too.

Quoted from Steve-Dave Alright, cool. I'll probably start it over the next couple days sometime. Right off the bat though, your formatting looks a little off. The margins and what not, the pages look a little light which is why you have such a high page count. This would probably only be about 120 pages if it were placed more correctly, so you should fix that, and you have a lot of heavy chunks of description, which will be frowned upon. You shouldn't hav more than four lines in a segment of description, so you might wanna break those up too.

he speaks the truth. fix...

Quoted from Steve-Dave Hey Chaz, this sounds interesting and right up my alley, just wanted to know if you were around so I wouldn't be reviewing this for nothing.

Sryknows, I think we have the same taste. This is probably why I read your work. In any case, this sounds interesting to me, too. I love things that involve familes in a *kind of* realistic way. Haven't read the script yet -- but the log line indicates this.

Still, I always feel guilty when I review a script authored by someone who doesn't, himself (or herself) return the favor. It doesn't have to be returned to me, but to someone, anyone.

Chaz, read a few scripts, features. Read one of Sryknows.

Anyway, yours looks interesting. I'll read it -- but remember, ya can't give what ya don't give~!

Seth

thanks guys. I actually wrote the script under the Hollywood Screenwriter program but it didn't transfer over to word properly so that i could publish it to adobe. That's what caused the page count to be off. As far as the blocks of description, i will definantly take that to heart. This is a quick script that is very rough. There are so many changes that i already plan to make such as death scenes, the opening, and character speech. But i just wanted to throw it out there to get a general feel of the response. Oh yeah, i'm printing off Sryknows' script right now.

I'm a little more than halfway through so far. Most of your problems are just technical stuff, cuz the story is there. Here's what I got...

SPOILERMANIA..........................................................................................................................

You could just put that she screams in the description if there's no dialogue.

Eliminate the "beat"s in the descriptions, and Get rid of cut to's, they just take up space. We could tell there's a new scene from the new slugline.

attractively depressed seems like an odd description to me.

Try not to speak with the character's motives in mind. Things like "She dusts things off, REMOVING ALL TRACES OF FINGERPRINTS" however, if we were watching it on screen, we wouldn't know that was the reason, so just tell us what we can/cannot see on screen. So she dusts everything frantically would be an adequit description.

pg 5 - "dimly lit, candice lays in bed..." - What's dimly lit? Mention that it's the room that's dimly lit.

pg 7 - I don't see the corhilation between Candice asking Odell if he had a good time and wanting a baby? If she's supposed to be mad or has a tone, then signify that when she says it.

grandmotherly voice? This is another odd description to me.

no page numbers?

pg 10 - "home tarnished by children" Describe "tarnished" writing on the walls? Toys everywhere?

pg 14 - "She checks for smudges and fingerprints" Again, we wouldn't know this is what she's doing by just watching her. Manifest this some other way in the story, rather than just telling us in description.

pg 15 - "Candace starts her morning process" is a little vague. What exactly is she doing?

pg 19 - "Dressed like a dated 80's woman" - How so? Leg warmers? Big hair? Def Leppard t-shirt? what?

pg 24 - Put DJ's diaologue in (V.O.) if it's over the speakers.

Stevie wonder's Happy Birthday, try to refrain from using specific songs unless it's essential.

With the dark skinned man, unless there's a point to him being dark skinned, his race should be left out too.

The cuts to blackness and the panting were good additions. Really created a high level of uneasiness and curiosity. 'cuz you don't know if easy or Odell is going to do something to Candice or what.

I liked the line about Odie being Candice's dog.

pg 44 - 45 - I think they're kicking eachother under the table, right? If so, make this more clear rather than just saying one flinches, cuz it's confusing at first.

Put (V.O) during phone conversations.

pg 59 - once again you put CANDICE (gasps) and CANDACE (moaning) put these in description since there's no dialogue to go with it.

I like reading Odell. He's an asshole, but the things he says are pretty funny cuz he's such a jackass. You did a good job with him, making us not like him, but making him an intriguing character.

pg 73 - the conversation that starts should be in (V.O.)

So, yeah, I'll have more later. The biggest problem I think is your description, especially within the first 20 or so pages. I think it could be written a lot better, which is odd because it seems like you were literally learning while in the process of writing this, cuz both the story and the structure and writing all get much better as it goes along. Your dialogue is really good though, but I think alot of it you could shorten up. Cuz sometimes it kind of drags, but other times it's really really good. Look at a lot of the bigger chunks of dialogue and see if you could chop some of the lines to any of them to make them move a little quicker, because some of them you can just eliminate like the last line a lot of the time and it would work a lot smoother. I have the same problem not knowing when to say when sometimes.

Other than that, I'm enjoying it so far. Lke I said it gets much better as it goes along. You are really good at character development and reflecting the characters, that's your biggest strength I think. And you move the story along nicely. This I wouldn't say is really an action script so far though. It seems more of a drama. It seems like a really weird mixture of "Unfaithful", "9 1/2 Weeks", "Cruel Intentions",  "American Beauty" and "The Good Girl". But we'll see how it goes, maybe the action will start to kick in soon. But it's definitely interesting so far.

thanks man. I know there are a lot of things that i screwed up on. The story is very rushed because a know a few independent people that are interested in it. After reading it i know that i need to take my time more in editing this piece. as far as (v.o.) and every thing, they are actually in the version that i wrote in the Hollywood Screenwriter program that i got but for some reason they didn't transfer over. Sryknows, i'm almost finished reading "Happie Endings" so i'll leave my comments under your board. My wife made a comment and tell me if you agree because her comment is making me do some drastic changes, but she said after she was done reading it that it comes across a little "Lifetime Channel-ish". Let me know what you think.

Quoted from jarrell1203 i'm almost finished reading "Happie Endings" so i'll leave my comments under your board.

Cool, thanks a lot.

Quoted from jarrell1203 My wife made a comment and tell me if you agree because her comment is making me do some drastic changes, but she said after she was done reading it that it comes across a little "Lifetime Channel-ish". Let me know what you think.

HA - yeah, maybe a little. but they put anything on that deals with a battered woman, or infidelity of a woman, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. I was just watching the Good Girl the other day on Owygen or We or one of the femme channels. I'd say it's all good as long as it's just not a Lifetime made for TV movie. But it is like the movies I mentioned, ie 9 1/2 weeks, unfaithful, etc. since they deal with the same kinda subject matter. so if you consider those lifetime material then I'd put this in the same grouping.

Just for the sake of asking, what was the final page count when you did it in the hollywood screenwriter format? Cuz this does move rather quickly for 143 pages. I'm thinking it might be more around 90 or 100 pages.

Actually you're dead on. it was 96 pages in Hollywood screenwriter and it had page numbers. So i was pissed to find out that it didn't convert over properly, but i guess that's what i get for being cheap.

Whoa dude, this one got really dark fast. I loved this though, it definitely gets a lot better as it goes along.

MORE SPOILERISTICLES......................................................................................................................................

pg 77 - I think you could just take out a lot of the dialogue until he talks abot being on the disgusting floor. It's just repeating what they just discussed. I think it would have more meaning if Odie was just in a rage and didn't speak and started pushing her in the hot water more violently with little words.

Michelle leaving Candice alone in her house with Odell on the loose seemed a little unnatural, especially when Odell might figure she'd be there.

Odie and Candice not having sex for six months doesn't sound right either with the way he uses her. Maybe make it so that he's more disgusted with doing it with her or something when they do have sex. Or her pushing more for sex when she's ovulating and him turning her down. You kinda did hint at this, but I think it could be emphasized a little better.

The breast feeding scene seemed really out of place. She wakes up next with Ezekial? And then she goes to breast feed the baby? And Michelle doesn't find it wierd that she''s there? And she tells Ezekial "you always say that when i do the baby stuff"? It just didn't fit at all. And the creepy breast feeding another mom's child was already covered by The Hand that rocks the Cradle. At first  I thought it was supposed to be a dream sequence, but it just doesn't work. I'd get rid of it.

Daddy needs a proper intro.

Why did daddy suddenly contend custody? I think problems with Michelle in job or something should be hinted at earlier. Unless I missed or forgot something, but I just don't see why a father who rarely ever sees his children suddenly wants custody. Make it so Michelle was lying about having a job or soething like that.

I like that she goes back to the house and Odie's there, but find it hard to believe that all this time the cops wouldn't search the house. Myabe you should just have the whole scene where she gets rid of the bady, along with the rest of the flashback so that it's all together.

The toy chest is a little convenient, as if Candice knew she'd just knock herself out on the sink. Why doesn't she just hit Michelle with the hammer or something?

bottom 127/top128 - "I'm finally making my own decisions and choices in life, and removing everybody that would stand in the way of that." - This sounds too much like you're just telling the audience what's going on.

I think something should set off Candice more when Easy's with the woman. Maybe he should tell the woman that he loves her.

I think Ezekiel should try shooting his gun before Candice actually tries to stab him.

And there are many spelling mistakes sprinkled throughout, especially more towards the end.

But besdes those things man, I really liked how this turned out. I'd actually place this more into the horror genre as it is really an abused woman's descent into madness. 'cuz this got pretty grim and twisted actually. I loved the scene with the glass. Very rarely does something make me cringe and feel pain, but that did it. Still just thining about it it hurts. And I liked the ending with Candice in the padded room, this was a really really cool read. Just fix up soome of the conviencies and polish it up a little and this is gold. Good job!