Once upon a time in a school by Helio J Cordeiro - Short - When we enjoy going to school we will think about it for ever. 1 pages - pdf, format 8)

Spoiler Central

This works as an eerie little tone poem but not as a story.

This needed much more than what it contained, nothing happens in this script.  The girl has no character besides the fact that she is a ghost.  I think she needs some character or at least an explanation of how she died. Perhaps have her cross at a red and almost get hit by a car.  That would provide a bit of back story for us readers.  

This script suffers from nothing.  Put something more interesting, like characters or a story, in there and you may have something.  

This isn't a story. This is barely a scene. I get it. The girl lives in the cemetery. This would work as a nice twist were the story expanded however as is, it falls flat on this face. I wouldn't even call this watered-down. It feels like one of those 60-second shorts you're supposed to shoot in film school. Those things don't have scripts.

In short, you need more. Characters. Story. Stuff like that.

Sorry, buddy. You know you can do better than this.

In spite of earlier critique, I think this script works well as it is. Further explanation isn't needed if one as the imagination. The viewer -- or in this case, the reader -- knows her motivation. In short -- sorry, no pun intended -- this might be one of the more complete scripts this author has displayed on this site for us. I suggest readers look this over a few times for the message to sink in. Well done.

Hey Helio,

POSSIBLE SPOILERS!!!



Am I right in thinkig that the girl is dead?

Strange little script this, if a 1 pager can be called a script?  Not sure where I stand on this one, it's like a commercial for road safety or something.  Maybe I'm off the mark?

spoileS!

I kind of like this one. I think that it's very clear the girl is dead, or her dad is an undertaker. if maybe the girl were to fade into the landscape fo teh cemetary in the final shot, her ghostiness would be mroe clear.

There's also something here about traffic safety. Is that the manner the she died? Perhaps a flashback to that scene might work. Or even jsut a quick reaction a horn honk. i dunno, that's just my thoughts.

IkE

Helio,
Another short little script.  :)


Spoilers



I was really surprised by the ending of this one.
Um... I think there is too much going to school and coming back. I mean nothing really happened to her.
Maybe, just maybe, she could go toward the school door, and someone would close the door on her (because they don't see her). Maybe she would smile at one of the kids, too, and they just turn away from her. ??? People would think that they just don't like her, then you can throw that twist at em.
I like the idea of her fading off into the cemetery. Maybe fading off into a grave. ???

I think it just needs a little tweaking.  

Cindy

I would say that this is indeed a complete story, though vague.  The problem I had with it was that nothing outside of the vague story happens.  I've once had a similar problem with a script that I wrote in which it was just too simple.  It had a story, but I didn't develope it at all, it was just there (this was because I wanted something I could film in less than half a day).  I can definately see this as maybe being the same kind of script only if made into a movie it would definately be better than the one I made.  Anyway, I like this for what it is.

Pat

Helio, I loved this.  You managed to really jam an emotion into a single page.  I see this working really well as a music video, interspersed with a band sining a song.  Now all you need is a band and a song.  Do you ever write songs?  That would just be the coolest music video.  Thats really the best situation I could see it working in.

Nice job,
Tyler

Hey guys I'm sorry for the delay to answer your reviews.

I appreciated that and I have to say all things that you all said about it realy could improve more sense on it.

I have to say alsoR Pedro, a SS member, became interested to shoot it, but I don't hear about him anymore in SS boards. I hope Pedro has done something with it and shows us when he finished to film it. I hope Pedro can see these reviews to improve more things to his directing.

Anyway, thanks so much Hig, BrandNew, Cindy, Ike, Alffy, Patrick, James and Michael for dispending their time reading it!

What on earth was this now?

My advice: re-write it into a poem. I actually got a sort of Edgar Allan Poe feeling from this one.