A Portrait by Justin - Short - A 3 page short focusing on the dysfunctional and tragic hidden beneath the beauty of the suburb.  - pdf, format 8)

Frankly, I didn't understand any of this.  It felt more like a series of shots than a coherent story.  There are two boys fighting - no background, no development, no resolution; just a shot of them fighting.  There is a girl who uses drugs - so what?  There's a woman who uses drugs - so what?

I don't know what the whole train thing is, but whatever it is, you're writing it the wrong way for a script.  If it's just a sound, write "SOUND OF A MOVING TRAIN" or something (many put sound effects in all capitals to signal the sound technicians, but in a spec that's optional).  If it's a shot of a train, you need to write a slugline for it.

You direct too much.  A spec script shouldn't concern itself with panning, what "we see", etc.  The job is to describe the scene, rarely more.

Lastly, it's "O.S", not "O.C" - off-screen.

Your descriptions are quite well-done; they give me a good sense of the action.  One exception is the profanity of the two kids fighting, but that's because I don't think profanity should be used except when needed in dialogue (a producer might agree, and throw out a script when he sees curse-words in the description).  However, I must admit that it certainly puts the image of the fight vividly into mind.

Goodluck on your scriptwriting.

A Portrait is an apt title for this short which, imo, does tell a story, albeit in an unconventional way.

With the exception of the narrator's first line, which is, without question, cheesy. This is an interesting piece. I enjoyed it.

Still, I have a couple of comments.  1) I haven't a clue how Tanya's mother and father can be sandwiched between her, and 2) a few words, here and there could be cut. Also, the whole "the suburbs aren't as wonderful as we think thing" is a story that's been told.

Even so, I liked it.

Seth  

Just wanted to add -- O.C. (off camera) is, I think, appropriate.  

This made me think of a really shortened combination of magnolia and american beauty combined into one.  Although I found it interesting, I think it needs more to it.  Something maybe to connect all these separate scenes.  That and I didn't really understand the part with the police and woman.

It is a unique way of telling the story, but I think that you should replace the narrator with a little more storyline.  Also, I like the closing lines, but I think they should be said by someone.

Anyway, I think this could be quite a good short if there was just a little bit more to it.

Pat

PS: I'm pretty sure O.C. is fine as well.

I was thinking about what to say and I decided that this script is "underdeveloped." Yes, I know what youa re getting at, and yes I can see what you've described, but I don't know why I should care. Who these people are is so crucial to what makes teh suburb the suburb that to graze over them in this manner is a crime. If you want to tell this story, look deeper into the lives of teh characters and write what comes from them. This is a fine enough start, though a bit wordy for a spec script. Keep at it. The suburb needs to be exposed for what it truly is: a drug ridden, violent, upper class facade to a life of lies, sex and crimes.

IkE

I don't know whether the author is even reading these coments but i hope he does because I have some questions.

I read the posts here and I came to a different conclusion...bare with me here cos i might be wrong.

I think I get what this is trying to say.  The author, justin, might get credit here for something unintentional but I think maybe not...anyway this is my take on this.

The train symbolises the journey of life, falling silent at the end...the end of someones life.

The girl snorting coke and then the progression of someone who's died from drugs.

The kids fighting, the crowd watching.  A disfunctional society were things aren't always what they seem.

I don't know I might be way of mark but if I'm right, I think Justin did well here.

I really like it, actually.

This script was kind of bizarre, but I kind of liked it as well. I used to like to write weird, symbolic kind of things like this that really made no sense. Unfortunately, mine were all crap and I had the good sense not to post them. But I thought this was a haunting, well-written script. It was short and to the point, so very well done in that respect.


Cheers, Chismeister.