Shine On by James Toru - Drama - Freeman is at his breaking point.  Locked in the cell of individual existence, he is offered an impromptu game of chess.  In this game of war, we recount the hardships and lessons of his lifetime, culminating in a climaxing scene of his most traumatic experience.  Here, Freeman is given the choice to either succumb to the pain and give-in, or step up and will his way through to the next battle. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey all, I'm new to this site.  If you could read my script and give me a critique that would be greatly appreciated.  As well, I will do the same in reading your scripts.

Thank you kindly

Welcome!

Your script should be in the short section since it is 8pages in length.

Review scripts 1st, then ask for them to review yours. That is most common way for new member to get feedback.

okay. thank you.  i'll do that...

***POSSIBLY SOME SPOILERS WITHIN***

Hi James. Welcome to this sight. I'm a new guy myself.

Don't take this the wrong way, because it is definitely a compliment: I'm surprised that I actually liked this.

Usually, a lot of shorts that deal in existential themes are too confusing for their own good and don't really go anywhere. While I won't presume to have picked up on all the themes, I found it to be a good read.

I thought some of your descriptions in the action lines were very, very nice. You painted a vivid picture, and it played well in my mind's eye. (I could almost smell flesh burning when the words seared into his skin.)

I guess my only criticisms would be about designating camera directions. But that goes hand in hand with your purposes for this script. If it's just spec, I'd lose the "B&W shot" and things like that. But hey, it's your piece. Do with it what you will.

Nice job.

thank you vrey much Adrock for your critique and especially your compliments.  What are you writing?  I would love to review, if you are okay with that?

Right now I'm working on two features. Well, one I'm re-writing for the bazillionth time. On the other one, I'm about half-way through a first draft.

I'd love to get your thoughts. And thanks for asking. I'll put something up here soon.

I'll let you know when I do.

Thanks!

James

I like this story. The idea is very original and I comend you for that. Your descriptions are very good, bu some of your action paragraphs are a bit too long. I give each object or character it's own paragraph, so I would split soemthing like:

The heavy, oak door unlocks and opens. Freeman releases from
his chair, walks his way to the exit. The ultimate walk of
shame. Charred, black letters surface on his forehead, he has
been numbed to feel anything. It reads: COWARD. He exits the
door.

Into at least two paragraphs, possibly as many as 4.

My only other concern is a small one. When we first meet Freedom he is 50, then he turns 30 soomething with the fade. This confused me at first. I wasn't sure if there were two people, or if you yourself hadn't decided how old Freedom is. If you said on page 2 'Freddom, now in his early thirtyies" that would have helped me understand.

TYPOES:
Page 2- Who're, not Who'r
Page 5- To, no Too (the second one.)

What inspired this piece? Was it a wierd combination of War Games, and Searching for Bobby FIsher?

IkE

Ike:

thank you for your review.  i have been writing these types of short scripts -- 1 character, 1 location, minimal effects -- for a company out here in Toronto.  Logistially, and financially they are easy to produce.  

Sure there are numerous constraints, but that's the onus of a screenwriter (lol).  On the plus side, it makes you work for your story.

For the 50 year old Freeman.  This is him in the present.  A survivor, telling his tale of, "the explanation of your entire life is, looking the mirror and accepting it."  But you're absolutely right on about "freeman, now in his early 30's."

Again, much appreciated.  What are you writing these days?

WHoa, I'm impressed.  Are you an Ingmar Bergman fan by any chance?  I have to say your spec is incredibly well-written.  The dialog was very concise yet meaningful and your action paragraphs were fine I thought, though I think I'd like to see something more longer/commercial before I make any sweeping generalizations.  Anyway, good luck and keep up the good work man!