Good Therapy by Tori Jaymes - Short, Horror - A tipsy, party-girl (BRANDEE) is helped to the apartment of a woman, (DEB) who initially appears to be nothing more than a good smaritan, helping out a fellow femme. Unfortunately for the unsuspecting Brandee, Deb has an evil agenda of her own that is fullfilled at Brandee's expense.   6 pages - pdf, format 8)

UMMM.... so... this was interesting.

I am afraid to admit that I liked it. I enjoyed Deb and thought she was funny, in a sick demented way. She takes pleasure in what she does because she is a pschopath. This makes her motive for capturing Brandee, with two E's, believeable. It's still far out, but believeable because psychos will do anything.

The dialogue for Brandee seemed a little off to me. Also, when describing that she is a party-girl, show it. Dont just tell us. Let us know how she is seen as a party-girl. Maybe her outift suggests this or her attitude. Just a thought.

I also really liked the ending. I know this would work great for short video/film. It leaves more up to the imagination and makes it all the more scary.

One question though. How old is Deb supposed to be? (I was picturing Kathy Bates from Misery.)

If you ever want to have this produced PM me or something. This seems like it would be a fun thing to make.

Andrew

I didn't like this story.  I thought the characterization was, on a generous day, two-dimension.  There was nothing about Deb's personality to make you say good character or bad.  There's no explanation why she does what she does and the story suffers for it.

Your formatting could be a little better.  It's tight enough, you lay out the details in an odd order.  For example, in your opening paragraph:

DEB, a mid-twenties, attractive femme, dressed in khaki shorts, T-top, Reeboks and sassy slouch socks, guides an unsteady, semi-conscious party-girl, BRANDEE, into the
room.

You're putting more emphasis on what Deb is wearing than what she's doing.  Her clothes aren't important.  The above description would be better told as:

DEB (25) drags the heavily intoxicated BRANDEE through her sparsely furnished living room.  She is dressed very casually while her drunkard passenger is dressed like a high school party girl.

THis way, you picture the scene faster.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Phil seems to have covered your formatting issues appropriately, so I'll just focus on the story here. I'm going to be really honest, I read your logline and thought it was going to be some disgusting date-rape story. What I got was a little more tame, but still appropriately disgusting. I think a little backstory on the two women would've serviced the brutality at the end a little more. Let's go to the party where Brandee was drinking, let's see Deb watching her or offering her a ride home. That would boost the tension in the climax.

It would be a fun little short to watch, it was certainly a fun little short to read. So well done on a nice little script. Some expension would be beneficial, but if you have no plans to do an expansion, then it doesn't really matter. Congratulations and well done!


Cheers, Chismeister.

I really liked this. It was interesting, simple, and quick! Also, Deb's motive was surprisingly believable. It seems to me that you were somewhat inspired by Hostal, (an underated movie), and that's perfectly fine! My "Directors Cut" scripts were inspired by Halloween, but I'd say your definetly the better screenwriter. Great job and good luck!

Being crazy is not a motive!  It might be a motive to do crazy things, but you need motivation to do a particular crazy thing.


Phil

What I meant is that I liked Debs reason for what she's doing. It didn't come off as being cheesy. It seemed like a motive to me, but I'm still learning.

I think being crazy opts for a motive to do anything. Now what makes her crazy is another story.

Quoted from superdrew828 I think being crazy opts for a motive to do anything. Now what makes her crazy is another story.

I disagree with you.  There should be a reason why Deb is doing what she is doing, instead of making Brandee an unnecessarily large breakfast (hey, crazy people can do nice things, too).


Phil

I agree that crazy people can do nice things too. But I also believe that in his script, the crazy motive works. I would love to see how this built up, but I don't think its necessary. His script works, for me anyways. Screenwriting is subjective. People can have varying opinions about what works and what doesn't.

P.S. I hope you don't take any of this personal.

I take everything personally.  I'm crazy that way.


Phil

Well, I'm glad.

I agree yet somewhat disagree with Phil here. I do think Deb should have a motive.

In Halloween ( 1 9 7 8 ) Michael Myers seemingly had no motive for what he was doing. He was just a blank slate and spoke no words, but that is what made his character and the movie work.

However, a character like Deb should have a motive. This script deals with realism so she should have a real motive to do what she does. She speaks words, she interacts with others, she's more human than somehting like "The Shape" and so it is almost non-sensical for her to act this crazy. However, there are diseases which make people do crazy things fo rno reason, but I don't think that's what the writer wanted us to think.

It really depends on what kind of story you're writing. That's just my two cents though.


--Julio

Obviously the biggest problem seems to be the unclearity of the motive (although some readers would argue about this). If you do any future drafts, I'd clear this up, as it is the only complaint so far. Good luck! Also, I forgot to to give this a grade in my previous posts. 7 out of 10

Hey Tori,

I read your script and I pretty much agree with Phil on this one. Even though you play the crazy card, it is not sufficent to hold the story enticing. Crazy people need reasons to do certain things as much as perfectly sane murderers do.  Develop a reason why she is doing this.

And Julio, I hope you don't take this in a wrong way, but I disagree with you on Halloween 1978 on Micheal Myers plot. He intiially started as a baby sitter killer which made him go after Jamie Lee Curtis who in the movie was a babysitter. Somehow in the series, the story changed, probably to make sequeals, that Jamie was Micheal's sister. People accepted. I did until I watched the first one closely.

Gabe  

Certainly appreciate all the comments. This was originally part of a longer script that I recently whittled down. In the longer version, the costuming of Deb played a more important role in her character, hence the reason for an initial detailed description of how she was dressed. It was left in the shortened version so that in the opening scene, Deb was presented as somebody who was cute and perky and certainly not the type you, as a viewer, would initially think capable of doing any harm to another lady.

This script is purposely short and simple to entice more people to consider doing it.

As for Deb's motivation, I once did a line in a script where the victim was desperately asking her captors the question, "Why are you doing this?"
Their answer, "Because we're psycho's lady. It's like--what we do." That concept is all a girl like Deb needs to act.

Hey, Deb's reason was simple. Her anger management counselor told her to "get a hobby."

And admittedly, in the end, I just like stories where a totally clueless, everyday innocent girl, gets herself into big time trouble at the hands of a demented femme fatale. I like fashions too. I think too many films don't exploit this and yes, I meant to say "exploit."  To me, there's a world of viewing difference if the femme victims and victimizers are dressed in something other than jeans, a t-shirt and flip flop sandals. Look at it this way. With slapstick comedy, it is far more of a treat to get to see a person hit in the face with a pie or shoved in the mud, if they are wearing a tux or a fancy evening gown.

So much for now.

Tori

And hey superdrew...if you really want to do this, give me a line at torijaymes@yahoo.com
  

I was talking about the original and the original only. You can incorpate the sequels into it if you want (I for one enjoyed them) but the original story will always be there: Michael was crazy. He stabbed his sister, grew up and killed some baby sitters. That's it.

If you watch the original alone, will it feel incomplete? No, it's fine the way it is. The sequels are a fun extra plus.

But we're getting off-hand here. I wouldn't be surprised if this couple of posts are deleted. We should focus on the script here.


--Julio

Wow. I liked this one. I actually hope to be a Director one day (as does everyone else) an I could actually see how this could be played out, scene for scene. To be brutally honest, I thought the dialogue was cliched and sparse. Our victim doesn't get any play! But, I guess it was told through "The Deb's" Perspective (I'm calling her "The Deb" now) so never mind. Anyhoodles, If there were more story and more original dialogue, I think it'd be the best. (Please don't hate me, because I'm no expert and I've written some pretty horrendous stuff that should be kept out of sunlight, but it's just my humble opinion!)

Actually I do have a longer version of this but I wanted to present someting that could be done as an ultra short piece to interest someone who didn't want a longer bit of work to do.

I thought your dialogue was really entertaining and humorous at times. As for the concept, it’s a slasher short with S&M overtones and very little in the way of plot development or three dimensional characters. I did enjoy Deb though; I wouldn’t want to go on a date with her!

;D    A little bit of news is in order. The GOOD THERAPY script is being done in late May by an individual in San Franciso so hopefully we will get to see how this transitions from paper to screen.

Wow, congragulations Tori. I can't wait to see the final product!

So, I saw this in the portal and noticed your post saying it's being produced, so I figured I'd give it a read.  Also nice to see a fellow Chicagoan hanging around.

There's seems to be a few torture scripts popping up lately, and they seem to be getting produced.  I can't really understand what the appeal is, but I can't really knock it since I've had one of my scripts that contained a torture scene produced.  

The thing I notice in these recent ones though, is that there really isn't too much of a prevalent motive here.  Deb needs to find a hobby, so to speak, and this is what she chooses to do.  Okay, so she's crazy, this much is obvious.  But why not go a little deeper into why she's that way and why she chooses to do this?  Often times, there's a lot of room for some character development in these stories, and at only 5 pages you definitely have it.

I think the dialogue got better as the story progressed.  I didn't care too much for it in the beginning when they first get to the apartment, but near the end it felt a little more natural.

Overall, it is what it is, a torture story.  I will commend you on not going overboard in that regard though.  Numerous times I see where the story completely relies on the methods of torture, as if it were the only thing that was really thought out and everything around it is just filler.

Anyway, a decent effort, and it should make a decent film.