The Killer and the Killed by Lee Thongkham - Short - There are two type of people in this world and that the killer and the killed, if you not the one, you gonna end up the other. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Lee,

Just finished reading your script, an here are my thoughts on it.

Loved the opening quote. They're good mood-setters, tells you exactly what the script is about. I suppose this is where you got the title from.

In the opening few pages, you've written things like:

Quoted from Page 1 WE pasting through, Various scene of location: restaurant, streets, school, business building, and Pedestrian going on with their daily lives.

I don't mind the use of "we's" and things like "various shots" or anything like that. I've used them quite a lot, it finds it helps me to really get the scene down. But there are a lot of people on here that seem to have a real problem with it, and in all fairness, spec scripts shouldn't really suggest where the camera is positioned. That's more for the director to decide. Like I said, this isn't a personal gripe, but just keep it in mind for future scripts. Otherwise some of these people will rip you to pieces. It's happened to me before lol.

Your formatting throughout the script is very good. You haven't filled in the title page, which is odd, but it doesn't really matter. I can only assume that you used a writing program like Sophocles or Final Draft? Am I correct? Either way, your formatting was excellent and you've pretty much got it down. Minor spelling errors here and there, but nothing that can't be fixed very easily.

Some of your dialog is a bit stilted. Characters make long speechs, when short little sentences are sufficient, such as:

Quoted from Page 5 J Then why he doesn’t do it? Calm down and think about it now. The trade was a success, that’s what we come here to do, put the gun down and lets get out of here.

It could be shortered to boost the tension. Something like this would be more appropriate:

J
Then why doesn't he do it? We
came here to trade, we traded, so
just put the gun down.

Storywise, I think it's an all right script. It's short and sharp and I didn't see the ending coming. I think a little backstory on some of the chracters would be beneficial, but if you have no plans to expand this script, then it's fine the way it is. A little padding on the plot and characters would go a long way though. All in all, a fun little read. Good work.


Cheers, Chismeister.

I agree with Chismeister on the opening quote.  It does a perfect job setting the mood for the rest of the story.

Your formatting is very good with the exception of the previously noted camera shots.  That's typically looked down upon by most people, but I don't see it as too big of a problem as long as it is pointed out.

The plot is very good on this.  Short and Sweet.  Though the characters left a little to be desired.  They really don't have much depth (though in shorts thats not the end of the world).  The way I got over them though is I just imagined J and K from Men In Black, a bad comparison I know, but it's just imediately what I thought of.

Good twist at the end.  I was not expecting what was in the briefcase, so well done (I'm pretty good at spotting twists, like in the Usual Suspects).

-Pat

Hey Lee,

Whoa - lotta format problems here.

First off, the quote in the beginning is out of place. Don't put a quote before FADE IN. If you want a quote to be part of the story, you should use SUPER: within the script, though generally you should avoid using quotes all together.

Second, your writing skips back and forth between present and past tense. Use only present tense.

Third, you need to go over the script again. There's a number of grammar and spelling errors.

I found the story to be rather indifferent. No character descriptions - neither through action or dialog. I didn't care about any of the characters and I didn't care where the story was going.

And please make an effort regarding the names. J, K, L? You could've at least called them JAY, KAY and EL.

This needs a lot of work.

Rob