Puppy Love by n7 - Short, Comedy, Horror - The uplifting story of a young boy and his dog...and what lengths he will go to keep his best friend alive and well. Best described as My Dog Skip meets Pet Semetary, with a touch of The Fly. 32 pages - pdf, format 8)

I gave this one a look and my general feeling was positive.

The first couple of pages are top-notch, and I even laughed a few times.

There were some minor gripes and grammatical stuff I did take notice of though.

SPOILERs

page 3 "they're free" not "their".

page 5 = What does a bully look like? I don't know. Describe him.

page 6 = "Your" should be "you're"

page 18 = your = you're

21: I thought it strange that Tyler would say Thank goodness, him being the cool kid after all. Wouldn't he just say "thank God"?

23: A sappy piano ballad plays? Unless someone on the stadium has brought a piano with them, you're making directorial remarks applied in editing. You don't do that for a spec script.

24: Again, what music?

25: "too late" not "to late"

page 32: To be continued??? What does that mean? Is this a short or a mini-series?

I liked most of the script a lot, thought your descriptions were concise and to the point and still with a vocabulary that didn't become repetitive.

I do think some of the characters went over the top as the story unfolded. Like Depp's Jack Sparrow I couldn't really tell with Baryy if he was an innocently doe-eyed pointdexter or a flamboyant metro-sexual in the making? He said "silly" and "silly goose" at least a couple of times, which kinda broke with the image I thought you had conveyed of him up until then.

There are some very funny scenes with the family together, but I thought some of the school-yard jokes were a bit much. like the bully throwing pudding in his face. A little too much Police Academy for my tastes.

I'm not sure I understood the significance of the Tyler sequence either? Why was that important to your story? I suppose the point is that everyone likes him when he has Fluffy and when he loses him everyone is indifferent again. Having Tyler stay at his house seemed like a gag without any real significance to the plot.

And frankly I thought you made Barry a bit of a pastiche in these scenes. You were poking fun at him, and that made me sympathize less with him. I started sympathizing with Tyler instead, desperately searching for a likeable protagonist.

And I think 32 pages for such a simple premise is stretching it. you could do this in 20-25 pages max.

When this was good, it was really good, but I ultimately found it somewhat uneven effort. But nothing a good trimming can't fix. You got a good story on your hands, but I think you need to incorporate a resolution into your script. Don't leave your readers a "to be continued" cliffhanger in a short this length.

Those are merely my proverbial two cents.

Hey Death Monkey, thanks for the read . Sorry about the to be continued, I've got the rest of the script mapped out, but was looking for some feedback first.
  
The whole Bully description was really vague on my part, I'll come up with something more descriptive and give him some personality quirks.

A lot of the smaller characters become fleshed out in the second act, they may seem kind of thrown in now, but they become fodder for Fluffy as things become more violent. Tyler's intentions reveal themselves later
I hope Barry came across as more of the doe eyed sappy kid, definitely wasn't trying to make him metro. I imagined him being that weird goodie too shoes kid that everyone seems to grow up with, but his main character flaw is that he's really selfish, bringing Fluffy back to life because he's using him for his own popularity.

I considered doing the whole thing as a short but as the story continues it gets much stranger and I thought it would be interesting to see if I could stretch an idea like this into a cohesive 90 page script and not make it seem bloated.
Thaks again for taking the time, I'll give your stuff a read

You posted a partial script?  Without any notice at the beginning of the thread?

Man, that is so wrong....



Phil

So this isn't a short? Or is it an episode in a series?

Hi Dogglebee and Sniper,
My mistake for not mentioning it's only the first act of a full script, chalk it up to being a rookie posting error.  Hopefully readers will give it a shot for what it is and look past it.
I'm interested in getting some feedback before finishing it up, any comments about the story itself would help. Planning to have the completed version up within a few weeks, thanks

You've broken a rule man. It says here on simplyscripts that you can only post COMPLETED scripts.

If you want feedback on unfinished work you go to the WORK IN PROGRESS section. You don't post an incomplete script. That's just wrong.

Given that this script is incomplete, I probably shouldn't comment -- Posting "works in progress" is discouraged, and with good reason.

Still, having opened it, expecting only to read a couple of pages, I found myself drawn in. You're off to a great start. It's well written, entertaining -- very humorous.

Like Death Monkey said, though, the Tyler scenes, particulary the one in which he is bedded down with grandma (in the same room), fell flat. Other than that, again, I really like this.

PM me when the script is complete.

Seth  

Seth
Thanks for checking this out. I'm considering getting rid of the grandma/tyler scene and having her die of natural causes instead.