Painted Black by Chris Lee (swapjack) - Short, Drama, Goth, Horror - A gothic “Alice in Wonderland” tale of a teenage girl and her all-night journey through the mysterious forest that surrounds her house. 18 pages - pdf, format 8)

So this is my second script to post on SimplyScripts. After Crime of Passion, I wanted to write something completely different... and i came up with this sort of Gothic Little Red Riding Hood tale....

All critiques and reviews will be noted and considered when i do the rewrite

pg. 2 – “Sitting on the bed is CORDELIA, 16, taking a massive hit on a king-sized bong.”

- Perhaps a little too much detail describing both Cordelia and her room. Before you even introduced her character, I already had an idea of what the character would look like based on the features of her room alone. A little goes a long way.

- Smoking pot while her mother’s at home and Cordelia doesn’t have the sense to at least lock the door? What is she, high? Oh yeah... Seriously though, I don’t buy this at all. In addition to locking the door, Cordelia would probably be spraying massive amounts of Febreeze into the air while her mom’s pounding on the door. Basically, you probably want to find another way of Cordelia getting caught. As of now, Cordelia is seriously lacking in common sense.

- Jeanne goes from grounding Cordelia to kicking her out of the house. This doesn’t make much sense. There’s no transition here. I think you need one.

pg. 6 – “Finally she comes up behind a little boy, JAKE (5) standing over something, hacking and swinging his arm down upon it in a chopping motion.”

pg. 8 – “...by a machete perhaps?” You wrote the script. You tell me. It’s generally frowned upon to include questions in your descriptions. That aside, this phrase seems a little “on-the-nose.” Lose it.

pg. 9 – An “Adam & Eve” leaf? I get what you’re saying but this just sounds silly. A leaf is a leaf. Lets leave it at that.

pg. 10 – “Javier’s eyes gaze locks onto hers.” This needs to be rephrased. No matter how you do it, either “gaze” or “locks” needs to go.

pg. 11 – More questions. They all need to go.

- “Some-bitch.” I get what you’re trying to do with writing the phrase like this but it still comes off as strange. Some people might not even get it. I think “sonovabitch” might be a better bet.

I'll give you that I think you have some good ideas here but unfortunately, I think this script was something of a mess. After Cordelia meets Jake, the whole story kind of spirals out of control and things happen with seemingly no connection to each other. You made an attempt to tie everything together in the end but it felt rushed and far too last minute. You also don't mention that Jake was killed until the last few pages, which might make things confusing for other readers. The Javier/Devil character is  never explained. I don't see how "temptation" has anything to do with the story. I also wasn't sure what ultimately did and did not actually happen in the story. Was this all in Cordelia's head or what? The end raises more questions than it does answers.

I didn't care much for Cordelia's character. Goth stuff aside, she was far too angst-ridden for my taste, a little bit of a crybaby, and didn't really use her head much. She tried to guilt-trip her mom in the beginning with a little bit of semi-logic but I doubt the phrase "just a little pot" is going to fly with Jeanne and considering that she's her mother, Cordelia should no better. I'd like her better if she thought things through a little better and wasn't so whiney and emotional. Mac's character was also completely blank. Why is Cordelia so afraid of him? I gather he's a drill sergeant but then again, I'm not sure if that was just in Cordelia's head. You need to clarify this.

All in all, as incoherent as it was, I think this is a salvageable script. I just think you need to take the time to think about how all this fits together and less time focusing on how to make this as whacked out as possible. After all, even Alice in Wonderland had a narrative. There's one here somewhere as well. You just need to build its foundations.

Hey swapjack, I gave this a read because you've checked out some of my stuff. You have an interesting little concept here, but sadly I found it just too hard to follow. By the time I got to page 6 I couldn't remember what happened on page 3! Maybe I'm just stupid, but I couldn't enjoy your script mainly due to the fact that I couldn't follow it. I pray that in future drafts you make it a little more reader-friendly. Positives are the format and dialog. Good luck with the rewrite!;D

5 out of 10

thanks for the reads guys

lol wow... its funny how it all makes sense in your head...then other people read it and its HOLY MOLY WTF was that?!?!

well i went for something different and a little more abstract...i guess i went too abstract.

once you've made this a bit more understandable send me a message and I'll give it another look.:)

Quoted from SwapJack well i went for something different and a little more abstract...i guess i went too abstract.

I honestly don't think that's the problem. I understood Javier/Devil was an abstraction for temptation but what's to tempt Cordelia in the forest? Certainly not a kid chopping up his mother or a mortician groping dead bodies. I don't see the connection. And if he's really an abstraction then how is Cordelia pregnant in the end? If not the Devil's, exactly who's child is she carrying? Abstraction's got little to do with it IMO.

Obviously, this makes sense in your own head so you should be able to incorporate it on paper. I'll also check back on this one, that is, should you choose to revise it. I'd still like to know exactly what happened here.

Quoted from James McClung I honestly don't think that's the problem. I understood Javier/Devil was an abstraction for temptation but what's to tempt Cordelia in the forest? Certainly not a kid chopping up his mother or a mortician groping dead bodies. I don't see the connection. And if he's really an abstraction then how is Cordelia pregnant in the end? If not the Devil's, exactly who's child is she carrying? Abstraction's got little to do with it IMO. Obviously, this makes sense in your own head so you should be able to incorporate it on paper. I'll also check back on this one, that is, should you choose to revise it. I'd still like to know exactly what happened here.

heres some clarification

SPOILERS
the only real dream was the Office one. everything else was real.
the temptation thing stemmed from her doing pot
the kid was obviously going around digging up recently dead bodies of woman and chopping them up... psychopath kid with a machete...he as mommy issues.  he stemmed from the fight and problems Cordelia and her mom had.
cordelia is preg with the devils kid

Quoted from SwapJack heres some clarification SPOILERS the only real dream was the Office one. everything else was real. the temptation thing stemmed from her doing pot the kid was obviously going around digging up recently dead bodies of woman and chopping them up... psychopath kid with a machete...he as mommy issues.  he stemmed from the fight and problems Cordelia and her mom had. cordelia is preg with the devils kid

Works for me. Just clarify it in the script.

I'm still lost.  :'( I'm so stupid...

Quoted from Zack I'm still lost.  :'( I'm so stupid...

youre not stupid!!!!!

you're special.   ;D

hub derr... lala wogga bu  :D

I kinda liked this! Reminded me of my own work! Haha, definitely freaky!

I think you should go for subtleness when we first see the kid though. Like, don't have him do anythign to the corpse, just have him standing near it with the machete with the body already messed up--In my opinion, it would be more terrifying that way. Remove the black robe as a child would look ridiculous in it. My suggestion is make him like a normal kid. I think "monstruous"-looking children are annoying (The Ring, Alessa from Silent Hill, etc). That's just me, though.

I didn't like Cordelia's first reaction when she sees Javier. "My God, you scared me..." He's naked for fuck's sake!

The trannsition from Javier to Devil came out sweet. Again, it reminded me a lot of my own work.

I was *loving* the script up until she met Jake. After that, the story got jumbled and I ended up liking it, but not loving it. Even if you're going for an unreal feel, the story still needs to be somewhat linear.

This kinda reminded me of Rosemary's baby as well.


--Julio

thanks for the read Gomez,

glad you liked it....thanks for the feedback.  there's definetly plans for a rewrite. i'm going to work on trying to streamline this story a little more. and i like your suggestions about jake.

I saw, in another thread, that you made a Simon Cowell reference -- so I'll just say, I don't know, dawg. It was a little pitchy for me. It started out good, but then, yeah, it just didn't work -- Paula?

Kidding aside, I did like the beginning. It is a tad teen-angsty, but I didn't mind that. I like goth chicks, so I was drawn in, (personal bias).  

The writing, I thought, was good. By that, I mean the descriptives. The dialogue, though, was too 'on the nose'. It pushed the story forward, but not in a way that felt genuine -- it felt contrived.

The real problem, though, is the page count. It's too short for a story such as yours -- which is ambitious. The reality is, simple is what sells. Though it  isn't, imo, what's best. That said, I give ya credit for stepping outside the lines. I'll take art over commerce any day. So I appreciate the effort.

To sum up, add a few pages, allow the reader to get to know the characters, to share in their feelings -- especially Cordelia's.

Let things breath.

Seth

  

haha thanks seth.

i was definetly shooting for the fences with this script. call it an experiment if you will in coloring outside the lines.

i think you got what i was going for. i wanted to leave some interpretation open for the viewers to decide....and not just spell everything out. her encounters and visions in the forest definetly play a role into the direction Cordelia has taken in her life.

dialogue is a weak spot for me.... i'll try and polish it up a bit in the rewrite.

i think you are right - this story needs a few more pages to breath and more room for character develpment.

these reviews have been great... just reading what you guys are writing and me talking it out is helping me fill in some of the blanks for this story.

I decided to give this a read as I also have a 'goth Alice in Wonderland' script of my own on the boards.

I didn't think the story was hard to follow.  On the other hand, I wasn't very impressed with the story.  Cordelia meets one character.  She moves on.  She meets another character.  She moves on.  She meets another character.  She moves on.  The story didn't build; it didn't go anywhere.

I thought the way you set Cordelia up was kind of funny (I don't know if that was your intent).  You introduce her as a very serious goth, only to turn her into a little kid when Mom shows up.

Jake is probably the creepiest character I've read here in a while.  You would do well to develope him a little more and use him again in the story.


Phil

hey phil thanks for the read..

im surprised. i expected a much harsher review from you considering what james had to say. haha.

yes that was my intent with Cordelia. shes like most teenage goth girls - shes playing a role.

she's 16...and basically still a kid. she's going through a phase...and has lost her way in life. in my mind - underneath the goth shes still a daddys girl. the forest and the things that happen to her...are sort of symbolic of it all.

im reworking the story as we speak. i'll take your advice and figure out a way to use Jake later... maybe after she escapes the cemetary.

i'm curious how your "Goth Alice" story ended up? whats it called?

Everybody reviews things differently.  My main concern with this script was the story not building.

My goth-Alice story is Dreams in Dust and Marble.  It's in post production right now.  Some production shots can be found in the thread.


Phil

NICE! i'll check that one out after i finish Burn Out and return reads to Seth, James, and Gomez.

i just read slow...