Bike by Yusuf Gillani - Short, Drama - A young boy and his bike, trying to survive the rough neighbourhood. 12 pages - doc, format 8)

Hi Yusuf!

I read your script and I really liked it, but there were few things that could be done better in my opinion...

pg.4:
MUM
Go down to the bike shop tomorrow. I will give you money to fix the bike...but don't tell you're Dad!

I suppose "don't tell your Dad" is better  :) I guess it was just typing error or something...
There was some more linguistical stuff I wasn't sure whether it's right or not, but since I was not born nor I'm living in a english-speaking country (I'm from Czech Republic) I guess most of it was fault of my poor english.

As for the formating, after "..." I'd leave a space (e.g. "My... bike... they broke my bike" instead of "My...bike...they broke my bike") but this is not necessary I guess...

And there's a little mistake on pg. 12:
George walks round the corner and sees (not see's) Amir's face...

As for the story, I like the core of the story, although I still feel something's missing which I can't describe... something about the end... Like there was stuff for a longer script... As I was reading the script, I expected kind of crueler ending, you know - but  with this I don't mean in any way that it's bad that you made the end not so cruel... but maybe someone gets wounded badly... maybe Martin even kills Sayeed (unintentionally... even he and George would look shocked when they realize the boy's dead...), but I don't know how could you go on with the story...
Well it seems I'm tangling myself in the net, and I guess this isn't the way you wanted your script to be...  :)

Sure you don't have to bother with any stuff I wrote above, I just wanted to give you some advances or anything, to help you in some way...

Anyway, I really liked your script and it would be very nice to see it filmed  :)

I wish you best luck in screenwriting!
matos

hey yusuf...i think the script is great,but just as matos said, i think at the end of the story need to be reconstruct a bit cos it seems like no ending there..i hope u will repost a new interesting ending...by the way, i am interested to use ur script as part of my university project..so hope to hear u soon...