The Cleavers by Randy Robinson - Short - Arguing... kidnapping... cheating... victims escaping. Just a normal day for The Cleavers. - pdf, format 8)

Thanks Don for getting this up so quick! Really appreciate it!

This was inspired by stories I heard about psycho families living in the suburbs. Also inspired by the films THE HAMILTONS and SUBURBAN NIGHTMARE.

Hope everyone enjoys it.



Randy

* Spoilers *

Randy,

You did a good job but it was not great.  Besides typos,  numerous droppings of s and pass rather than past, there wasn't enough suspense.  I could tell exactly what was going to happen the whole time.   This story is old hat, even the surrogate mother in the basement thing has been done before.  

Something different has to happen in order to capture suspense. Say the girl in the basement seduces him, maybe they start up a friendship, maybe she wants to join him and they plot to get his wife, maybe she isn't even lying about her feelings for him - but even that isn't so different and you would have to be careful how you told it.

The other option is to use the title you choose and do a killer spoof of Beaver.  I would enjoy that even more.  

Thanks for the review, mcorneto. I appreciate it. What did you mean when said 'numerous droppings of s.' That one flew right over my head lol.

Thanks for the story suggestions. I will consider them all. What stories/movies have you seen where there is a surrogant mother in the basement? Only one comes to mind when I think of it. Don't even remember the title though. Not being rude, just interested.

Thanks again!


Randy

I meant the dropping of s at the end of words.  i.e. he look rather than he looks.  But to save you some trouble I just looked at this again and I couldn't find an example in the script. I must have been reading faster than I can accurately read and I missed some letters, not surprising since I was at work at the time.

Surrogate mothers in the basement - Pink Flamingoes - John Waters at his best.

BTW I didn't think you were being rude.

this one reminded me of the Devils Rejects and Way of the gun. It got off to a fast start, but kind of stalled for me about halfway in. The back and forth conversations worked well along with the bedroom scene... they had the same arguments normal married couples have, just completely different circumstances.
You could possibly add more description of mundane things surburban married couple do.
The whole story was basically a one joke premise, with different variations of the same joke being repeated over and over (like a 5 minute SNL skit that was stretched into 15 minutes), with the exception of the surrogate idea, which I liked, but thought it came a few pages too late.   Overally has a couple of cool scenes with a cool, sinister ending.

Thanks for review, n7. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it that much. I'm working on a rewrite which will hopefully have more depth and more suspense.

let me know when the rewrite is up and i'll give it a look. I hope it lives up to it's potential.