Samurai Hitchhiker by Joe Allen Barniak - Short, Action - Ryu is walking along a highway carying a pool stick bag when a green car flicks him off.  He runs after the car and catches the driver(Ken) at the stoplight.  Ken jumps out the car and runs through the woods carrying his hat.  In classic Anime style, Ryu pulls a long sword from his bag chasing Ken.  Ryu swings the sword and misses, cutting into a tree.  Ken throws his hat slicing through the woods like a blade and cuts into a tree.  In the end Ryu wins.  An old fashioned Real life Anime.  4 pages - pdf, format 8)

You really should consider writing shorter descriptions. It gave away everything and left no suspense. You even gave away the ending!

***SPOILERS***

Anyhow, on with the script. You should never write WE SEE in a script. You should also never write CAMERA DIRECTION into a scipt. This is a big no no.

On page three you write -

We PULL BACK, and see KEN with his sun visor down, adjusting
his eyebrows in the mirror. KEN is an older guy, wears a
suit, and has the look of a snobby terrible salesman.

What does "adjusting his eyebrows mean"? Is he tweezing them? Raising them up and down? Also, how old is older? Is he 50, 60? And don't tell us he is a snobby, terrible salesman. Show us. Be more specific. But if it's not important to the story, don't write it in. This whole paragraph could have easly have read like this -

KEN, dressed in suit and tie, looks in the visor mirror. He smooths his eyebrows.

There are several errors throughout the entire script. Too many for me to write right now. I will let other members do that.

Please don't let this review discourage you. I think you should read some other screenplays and their discussions on these boards. Also read some produced. Good luck with future projects.


Randy

Thanks man!  But who deserves to suffer through a whole script to find the ending.  Why not tell people what the whole stories about before people waste their time.  That was my take on the description.  Keep up the good criticism.

Quoted from Joe Allen Barniak Thanks man!  But who deserves to suffer through a whole script to find the ending.  Why not tell people what the whole stories about before people waste their time.  That was my take on the description.  Keep up the good criticism.

This is a four page script.  There is no time for suffering.  I normally read the very short scripts, but you have to sell me with the logline.  Give me a reason to read it.  If you write a bad logline, I don't have much hope for the script.



Phil

Like dogglebe said, it's four pages. There is no time to suffer. But if someone was suffering from reading your script, they would simply stop reading. No big deal. Your description should be short and sweet. Do not give away any spoilers. That makes the potential reader turn away. What's the point if they already know everything?


Randy

Well it was an interesting fight scene I'll give you that.  I can't really say that I see anything else here besides that.

How come Zangief didn't come out at the end and pile drive Ryu to death?  I can't be the only one picking up on the Street Fighter names.

Quoted from dogglebe This is a four page script.  There is no time for suffering.  I normally read the very short scripts, but you have to sell me with the logline.  Give me a reason to read it.  If you write a bad logline, I don't have much hope for the script. Phil

You read it didn't you.  SO why are you complaining about the logline.  I did you a favor, telling you the whole story and you still read it.  So what does that have to say?  That says my way of telling the whole story in the logline is something you'd prefer.  So step off.

I read the logline/story summary.  I didn't read the script.  I didn't see any reason to; I already know how it ends.

The logline is supposed to make people interested enough to read the script.  You didn't do anyone any favors by telling anyone the ending.


Phil

Quoted from Joe Allen Barniak You read it didn't you.  SO why are you complaining about the logline.  I did you a favor, telling you the whole story and you still read it.  So what does that have to say?  That says my way of telling the whole story in the logline is something you'd prefer.  So step off.

A favor?

You do yourself and potential readers a disservice by telling them exactly what they're gonna get. You have to intice, give just enough so people have a reaon to read your story.

If people can read everything they need to know about your story in a logline (albeit a long one) why would they want to read four pages adding nothing at all to the story?

Quoted from Joe Allen Barniak Why not tell people what the whole stories about before people waste their time.

Why not just stop making movies then? It sure as hell would save us all a lot of time and a good pile of hard earned money. Just send out a poorly written summary and that's the end of it. Yeah, I can really see how that would work.

From Wikipedia (and yes, phil, I know how you feel about Wiki - but I think we can agree on this one):

A log line is a brief summary of a television program or movie, often providing both a synopsis of the program's plot, and an emotional "hook" to stimulate interest.

Quoted from Joe Allen Barniak So step off.

Take a chillpill newbie (or a Coke and a smile if you like).


Rob

Something like this, Joe:

Quoted from Typical logline, without spoilers An arrogant motorist and a scorned hitchhiker battle to the death – in classic Anime style!

No, I haven't read the script.

Reading this script was pointless. You already told the story through the synopsis. Berts synopsis is far better. the actual script itself was okay given the genre, although I don't really like anime. Next time pick a more attractive logline.
5 out of 10