The Mute by T. J. Hundtofte (death monkey) - Short, Post Apocalyptic - People started to disappear. Vanish from the face of the earth. The few who survived find they’ve lost all ability to speak, and that some have lost much more than that. 26 pages - pdf, format 8)

***POSSIBLE SPOILERS***

This was an interesting read. I really liked how everything was silent except for the music and maybe one or two lines. That made for a very original story, in my opinion. Although it did remind me of 28 Days Later... a bit. Not saying that's a bad thing. It was an excellent movie and I think your script would make an excellent one as well.

Do you plan to make this into a series? I think it would really work as one. I would really like to see Ellie make it to the voice on the answering machine. And find out what is going on.

One thing I noticed. On pg 22 - You wrote "The body goes limb." I think you meant, "The body goes limp."

Hi there, Randy

Thank you for reading.

Yeah I really wanted to play with silence and create situations where there would normally be sound, and then keep them mute. As for the 28 Days Later inspiration, it was actually not a conscious thing in my mind, but I can see why you would make the connection.

My inspiration was three-part: The Canadian film "Last Night", The Japanese film "KaĂŻro (recently made into an American remake called Pulse, I think) and a book I read in school called "The Mad".

I didn't plan making this into a series or a feature for one simple reason. I'm not sure the concept of no dialogue could be sustained through several episodes or even 100 minutes.

This is a script I wrote with a specific concept in mind: No dialogue. While there are small pockets of dialogue in some form or another, this was an exercise for me to work on my descriptions and action.
So, I guess, while it's only 24 pages long, the lack of dialogue to space things out will probably make it read like 35 pages, given the one page = one minute rule.

Thanks a lot for reading and leaving comments.

Oh and you're right about that typo. thanks.

Never seen "Last Night" or read "The Mad." But I have seen "Pulse." Interesting film.

It makes sense why it would seem a series or full-length wouldn't work. Although, it would be interesting, in my opinion.

Anyhow, great job. Looking forward to reading more of your scripts.

Death Monkey,

Wow...I'm at a loss for words here (and I can speak). This was incredible. Your story filled my head with a lot of pictures and my heart with a lot of emotions. I'm still trying to shake this story off as I write this. And it's really difficult.

!!!SPOILERS!!!

The story (the apocalyptic part of it) reminded me a lot of Stephen King's 'The Stand' and '28 Days Later'. Okay, so the story in itself is not overly original, but I think you added a stroke of genius when you made them all mute. That was fantastic. When I first picked it up I thought to myself, 'Christ, there's no dialog - this is gonna take forever to read'. Boy was I wrong! This was an absolute pageturner and that is not an easy thing to do in a script.

I really liked the foreboding way in which you started this script. Immediately I felt that something was off in some way. And I think your beginning and end tied together perfectly.

Okay, I do have a few problems with the story though. I find it a little odd that a teenager would know the Morse code for S.O.S. Actually I have a problem with the fact that she even knows what Morse code is.

The whole idea about 'the crazies' is very cliche, we've seen that in countless apocalyptic movies.

The dog feasting on a human carcass is probably the biggest cliche of all, but I'm gonna let you get away with that one because scenes like those have always scared the crap out of me.

I don't totally understand the cut-scene in the restroom. I'd imagine that it is her father, right? Actually that scene disappointed me a bit, you were on a roll with the no-dialog thing and then this comes up. Personally I would like to see that scene go. I don't think the scene added anything to the story that you hadn't already told - or told later on.

With regards to dialog - hehe. Seriously though, I liked how you easily overcame that with the use of hand signals and the occasional notepad. Excellent.

I felt very sorry for Nicholas in the end and my heart went out to Ellie (especially during that awful rape sequence - that was very well written).

Like with 'The Pool' I think you created a really spooky setting and believable characters. Again I must say that I look forward to reading more of your work.

Cheers
Rob

Wow, that's really some praise, Rob. What's the word for "benovet" ;)

Anyway, thanks a lot.

Quoted Text Okay, I do have a few problems with the story though. I find it a little odd that a teenager would know the Morse code for S.O.S. Actually I have a problem with the fact that she even knows what Morse code is.

About that, I made a very quick reference to Ellie being a scout, when she transcribes the message (she has a badge on her jacket). And scouts, as far as I know, still learn morse code. At least the Canadian girl scout troup I checked did. :)

Quoted Text The whole idea about 'the crazies' is very cliche, we've seen that in countless apocalyptic movies.

Yeah, I realize that wasn't the most original idea, but I didn't realize it was that over-used. I didn't want frantic running 'zombie'-like crazies. I wanted people who had basically just lost their soul. Their humanity. Catatonics more than anything.

Quoted Text The dog feasting on a human carcass is probably the biggest cliche of all, but I'm gonna let you get away with that one because scenes like those have always scared the crap out of me.

Again, I was blissfully oblivious to this being a cliché, but I will definitely take notice of it, since I hate clichés more than anything. I wrote it in after reading about dogs feeding on corpses in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. I'll see if I can make that scene work without the mutt. ;)

Quoted Text I don't totally understand the cut-scene in the restroom. I'd imagine that it is her father, right? Actually that scene disappointed me a bit, you were on a roll with the no-dialog thing and then this comes up. Personally I would like to see that scene go. I don't think the scene added anything to the story that you hadn't already told - or told later on.

Yeah, I was really torn about that one. It was very close to getting cut, but I chose to keep it because I didn't think I had given Ellie any tangible backstory until then. What was she running from, why did she have trust-issues?

Well, what I meant to imply is that her father turned crazy and she was forced to kill him.

But I really felt like Judas to the concept when I wrote that scene, because I was going against everything the story was. It sort of defeated the purpose. I'll see if I can do the scene without dialogue.

Quoted Text With regards to dialog - hehe. Seriously though, I liked how you easily overcame that with the use of hand signals and the occasional notepad. Excellent. I felt very sorry for Nicholas in the end and my heart went out to Ellie (especially during that awful rape sequence - that was very well written). Like with 'The Pool' I think you created a really spooky setting and believable characters. Again I must say that I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thanks. I was extremely unsure whether the concept of no dialogue would be boring to read, as I had stared myself blind at my story, so it's a relief to know that it didn't bother you and kept your interest.

I'm very grateful for the feedback and a re-write is definitely in the works, because I wasn't 100% satisfied with it when I submitted it, for reasons you've already touched upon in your review.

Thanks again.

Quoted from Death Monkey I made a very quick reference to Ellie being a scout, when she transcribes the message (she has a badge on her jacket). And scouts, as far as I know, still learn morse code. At least the Canadian girl scout troup I checked did. :)

Oh, my bad. I didn't connect the dots with the pathfinder patch. It just because when you first introduce her you say that her jacket is a couple of sizes to big for her so I thought she had either stolen it or taken it off a corpse. I simply didn't think the jacket was hers.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper Oh, my bad. I didn't connect the dots with the pathfinder patch. It just because when you first introduce her you say that her jacket is a couple of sizes to big for her so I thought she had either stolen it or taken it off a corpse. I simply didn't think the jacket was hers. Cheers Rob

Oh good one.

That's a genuine inconsistency.

I made the jacket bigger for her, implying it wasn't hers AFTER I gave her the patch. But you're absolutely right. That doesn't make sense. I'ma fix that.

Hey Death Monkey,

I enjoyed The Pool so I thought I'd give this one a read, too.

I liked the story and I think you're a talented writer. You created a rich atmosphere and had me hooked from page one. Writing without dialogue is a great exercise in visual storytelling and I think you exploited the silent medium very well. We actually had a "no dialogue" challenge here on SS a while ago and that produced some pretty creative stories.

As for yours, the subject matter is a tad unoriginal as others have pointed out, but the mute angle is refreshing and it elevated the story for me. I also think you developed the characters well considering the limitations you chose to work with.

I really like your writing style, it's a little wordy in places but you paint a great picture with your prose. You have a strong voice, something that's difficult to define and even harder to learn, but you definitely have it. With that said, I think you can trim the fat from your descriptions without losing any of the tone. For example, cutting out many of your adverbs and redundant adjectives would make for a quicker read. Also, additional clauses to clarify the action are often redundant and can be cut eg. "He freezes up, in shock."

Nitpicking aside, the story is very good. I felt a connection to the characters, a lot of which you conveyed through their body language alone. Like sniper, the scene in the restroom pulled me out of the story. You were doing fine without dialogue, no need to break your rule for this interlude, creepy as it is.

I like how the story built towards the climax, the suspense was palpable and the action towards the end moved at a great pace. However, I was left wanting to know more about this post-apocalyptic world, how it came to be the way it is, why the crazies are the way they are. Is all this brought about by a lack of verbal communication, or is the loss of speech a symptom of something bigger? How does one become a Crazy? Obviouslynot a virus or zombie thing otherwise Ellie would be infected after the rape. Maybe I missed something, or maybe you wanted to leave it open to interpretation. Either way, I wasn't completely satisfied by the ending.

Overall, though, another strong script. I'll definitely read more of your work.

Thanks for reading, Martin!

Yeah I think I heard the no-dialogue challenge mentioned while I was writing this one, but I assume it was before I joined?

Quoted Text As for yours, the subject matter is a tad unoriginal as others have pointed out, but the mute angle is refreshing and it elevated the story for me. I also think you developed the characters well considering the limitations you chose to work with.

I have a thing for post-apocalyptic stories, and I always wanted to write one, but I couldn't figure out how I would set mine apart from everybody else's. So I came up with the mute angle one day when I was watching the movie "Speak" with Kristin Stewart. It has pretty much nothing to do with my story though...

Quoted Text I really like your writing style, it's a little wordy in places but you paint a great picture with your prose. You have a strong voice, something that's difficult to define and even harder to learn, but you definitely have it. With that said, I think you can trim the fat from your descriptions without losing any of the tone. For example, cutting out many of your adverbs and redundant adjectives would make for a quicker read. Also, additional clauses to clarify the action are often redundant and can be cut eg. "He freezes up, in shock."

I think you're absolutely right. I'm not satisfied with my writing style yet, and it still doesn't just 'come to me' effortlessly. But I wanna get better, and I think I learn something with every script I write. So long as people point out where I'm lacking.

Quoted Text Nitpicking aside, the story is very good. I felt a connection to the characters, a lot of which you conveyed through their body language alone. Like sniper, the scene in the restroom pulled me out of the story. You were doing fine without dialogue, no need to break your rule for this interlude, creepy as it is.

Note to self: Restroom-scene gets major overhaul. You're right. It will be taken care of.

I'm glad you connected with the characters because that was one of the challenges of writing without dialogue for me. You can't really put a soliloquy in there, cause when you have to write everything down on a notepad you're gonna be concise and to the point.

Quoted Text I like how the story built towards the climax, the suspense was palpable and the action towards the end moved at a great pace. However, I was left wanting to know more about this post-apocalyptic world, how it came to be the way it is, why the crazies are the way they are. Is all this brought about by a lack of verbal communication, or is the loss of speech a symptom of something bigger? How does one become a Crazy? Obviouslynot a virus or zombie thing otherwise Ellie would be infected after the rape. Maybe I missed something, or maybe you wanted to leave it open to interpretation. Either way, I wasn't completely satisfied by the ending.

The crazies and how much information to give out about them was a major issue for me. I knew I didn't want any tangible explanation like a virus or anything. In the film "Last Night" which I mentioned as an inspiration, the world is ending. You never get an explanation why, it just is. Everybody knows today is their last day to live and they make the necessary arrangements. It came out the same year as Armageddon and Deep Impact by the way, which I think is quite amusing.

But that's how I wanted to treat the entire vanishing. The way it went down in my head was; first people started to disappear and then when there were almost no people left, the survivors slowly developed into crazies and normals. It's not transferred or anything.

I wanted the crazies to be a symptom of lack of communication. I realize this element isn't developed enough, but I make a few allusions to TV's and one-way communication in the story. After Ellie asks Nicholas why they survived and he can't answer her, she goes and sits in front of the empty TV screen as if returning to a pacifier.

In the re-write I think I want to focus on how the lack of communication and how human beings isolated themselves brought about everything. People started to disappear because they were alone and meant nothing to each other. So in a desperate move people scribbled down their birthdays on the walls to prove they existed at some point in time, before they eventually disappeared too.

What I meant to imply with the ending, when Nicholas gets to speak Ellie's name and birthday and she subsequently writes down his name, is that the only hope for us if we remember each other. If everyone tries to prove they themselves existed, no one will remember them but themselves. Ellie and Nicholas don't disappear because they 'mean' something to each other. Ellie's proof that Nicholas existed and she that he existed.

It all sounds very far fetched and artsy, but I really did have an idea behind it. :)

But in this draft I did leave it open to interpretation for the most part.

There are still two things that bother me about the story that one one has mentioned so far. But I'll wait and see if someone won't bring it up eventually.


Thanks again for the review; ample feedback and some kind words. It's much, much appreciated.

I enjoyed this script much more than I thought I would, going into it.  I found myself caught up in the story right away and am glad that you didn't turn it into some zombie story.

SPOILERSPOILERSPOILER

I agree with Sniper about the bathroom scene.  When you have a script with no dialogue, and suddenly there's dialogue, it takes away.  I reccommend that you delete this scene.  I was surprised that Ellie wouldn't even check the stalls when she first entered.

I'd also remove Nicholas' short dialogue at the end.  It took away.

This story could be expanded in a real big way.  You could drop hints regarding what happened.  Why are people mute?  Where'd everyone go?  Etc.  Whatever happened, happened recently as there is still power everywhere.

You can also expand by adding writing on every wall.  If people can't talk, I imagine there'd be notes all over the place:  dialogue between people; notes people left friends; questions and answers about what happened.


Phil

This was really cool and very unique. i enjoyed the friendship that developed between Nicholas and Ellie. however it made want to know what exactly happened to those who disappeared. why are ellie and nicholas spared, and why people are mute. i would hope there is some sort of follow up cause the story is very intriguing and leaves us with a lot of unanswered questions

This was a good script.  I liked the descriptions, they were very visually stimulating.

My main problem is with how the story is now is probably with them writing things down, even if it is only a few times. If you've ever passed notes you'll know it takes a bit of time, and onscreen time feels like a lifetime.  Ever see a show where they interrogate someone that doesn't have the ability to speak?  It is boring. You'd have to have them start writing something, cut to some approaching threat, then back to them to really keep up the tension.  Also, you'd have to have the audience read the notes to understand their communcation... and we know how movie goers love reading. Best to keep that to a minimum, no? Especially since you already have them reading other things to keep the story moving forward.

Anyway, look forward to reading your other scripts.  

Dethan

I always seem to have trouble reviewing scripts like these. If I don't have any advice on how it can be improved, I sorta feel like I'm not being helpful. I honestly didn't find many problems with this one although I didn't understand why Nicholas and Ellie were calling this Kayleigh guy. I didn't even know who he was. Maybe I missed something. I also agree that you should do away with the little dialogue there actually is here, with the exception of the answering machine. I gather that was recorded before this "apocalypse." Anyway, the logline for this one caught my attention right away. It just took me a while to actually get around to reading it. Overall, I really enjoyed this. The story wasn't what interested me (it's sorta been done before, you know?) but how you decided to tell it. It was really cool to watch these characters interact and relate to each other without actually speaking. You were actually able to develop them pretty well given the boundaries of the concept. The ending kind of threw me off a little. Everything seemed really fresh until you threw in these "crazies." Again, I think we've all seen this kind of stuff before. Nevertheless, you really mastered the silent bit. I really don't know what else to say. I thought the concept was great and I think you executed it very well, as you did with The Pool, which is why I initially decided to check this out in the first place. I'll keep an eye out for anything else you decide to post here. Good job, T.J.!

Phil,

Thanks for reading.

Your suggestion about expanding the writings on the walls is a good one and one I will definitely try to implement in a re-write, given I probably will have to cut or seriously alter the restroom scene.

As for Nicholas' dialogue at the end...that one I'm more wary about. Maybe I'm just a sap, but I really thought the story needed some uplifting at that point. Some sort of hope for humankind. But you could be right. I'll have to reread.

Thanks for the feedback, and I'm glad you (sorta) liked it! ;)

SwapJack,

Yeah, I might expand on what happened to people in the re-write. I have a few ideas I'm throwing around, so yeah. As for why Nicholas and Ellie were 'spared', that's because they meant something to each other, because they're not apathetic. They were both driven by an urge to be with other people.

Thanks for reading!

Dethan,

You bring up a valid point about how the writing prolongs the drama, but at the same time I tried to keep they're writings very succinct and to the point, meaning they left out subjects and sometimes verbs just for the essential meaning. Which is what I would do after a little while with writing everything down. The only time I feel we start to see long sentences is at night in the train.

But thanks for the suggestion. And thanks for reading.

James,

Thanks a lot for reading, and I'm glad you liked it.

First off, I better need to clear something up. Kayleigh is girl. :) I didn't even realize it was an androgynous name? I meant to imply she's someone very close to Nicholas, her girlfriend or his sister, and calling her answering machine has become a bit of a ritual for him. It's what drives him; the search for some kind of family. When he dies, Ellie takes over that search because she realizes it's the only way to keep going, and at the same time it replaces the loss of her own family.

As for the Crazies...well at that point I think I really needed a sense of dread in the script. An explanation for why Nicholas was so jumpy. Why he was packing, and why his clothes were bloody. I wanted, all throughout the story, to hint at some unspoken (pun intended) threat that would materialize in the Crazies. Also I always knew I wanted a silent rape-scene. Okay, that kinda sounds sick when you say it out loud...

But maybe I shouldn't make them crazy, or refer to them as crazies? Maybe I should just make them other mute survivors who dealt with the inability to speak differently? Instead of trying to search for survivors or their loved ones, they lose all sense of self and any 'moral' code? I'm just thinking out loud here, but I may give that angle a gander.

Anyway, thanks a lot for the review and pointers. Much appreciated.


Thanks again to all of you for reading The Mute!

Quoted from Death Monkey As for Nicholas' dialogue at the end...that one I'm more wary about. Maybe I'm just a sap, but I really thought the story needed some uplifting at that point. Some sort of hope for humankind. But you could be right. I'll have to reread.

The writing on the wall could be the uplifting part.  You can do a lot with it.


Phil

You have a point. I'll see what I can do.

I liked your script.  I thought it was pretty good.  You have created two sturdy characters with whom to tell your story.  I liked the 'silent' angle that the overall story went for.  It is an interesting piece of transcodification and you handled it very well.  As with a few other readers I was a bit thrown by the ending, not entirely sure in which direction the script is  heading with regards to its final.  

It doesn't really cover any new ground, but, nevertheless, this is one of the best scripts I think I've read on this site so far.

Keep writing  & good luck

L.F.J.

Lee Jackson,

Thanks for reading. I'm happy you liked it. I'm doing a re-write and think it'll be up some time next week. I'm fixing a few things here and there that people have mentioned and adding a bit more background on the crazies and the mute.

Again, thanks for the comments.

Hey Death Monley,

Cool about the re-write, look forward to reading it.


Cheers
Rob

A new draft will be up one of these days. It's still basically the same story, but I changed the restroom scene, I fixed Nicholas dialogue at the end, I took care of a few inconsistencies and added some more writing on the walls. Plus other minor stuff.

This is in all probability not my final draft as I will be tweaking this one over the course of the summer and fall until I'm 100% happy with it. I didn't get to elaborate on the Crazies, though, which still bothers me.

I do feel this is closer to the concept I had in mind. This time there's no spoken dialogue at all.

Also, I'm now putting some thought into making it to a feature, since I've been corresponding with a guy from L.A. who expressed interest in it. That will be a challenge though, but I feel it could be done.

P.S.
The cliché with the German shepherd is still there, Rob, sorry. I didn't come up with a satisfactory way to deal with that yet. At some point I will though. I just wanted the new draft up either way.

Quoted from Death Monkey The cliché with the German shepherd is still there, Rob, sorry. I didn't come up with a satisfactory way to deal with that yet. At some point I will though. I just wanted the new draft up either way.

It might be cliche - but it's still scary (God I hate dogs that eat people)!!!

However, you could put an animal that has escaped from the Zoo in there (without having it looking too much like Twelve Monkeys).


Cheers
Rob

Thanks to Don the new draft is up and running. I already mentioned the changes, I think. Anyway, it's not completely where I want it to be yet, but it's closer than the other draft, and better for it.

Also it seems like I missed your post the last time, Rob. I did think about having an exotic animal there (from the zoo) but should this ever get made, it might be a turn off for the filmmakers to read "Large, endangered Siberian tiger feasts on the remains of middle-aged man in a cheap suit" ;)

Hey T.J, just finished this short and I have to say I really liked it, this was very well done.

First off this was very well written, I was surprised how effective this script was without any dialogue, other than the answering machine of course.  You were able to develop your characters through their actions and emotions which is very hard to do so good work there.

you could lose the continues on the top and bottom of each page.

I also think all the gun shops would have been looted by the time they find it, seems to me that would be the first place that gets looted after something like this happens.

The climax with The Cherub was nice and gruesome, and i think it built up well.

The ending worked for me as well, the S.O.S over the phone.

All in all a very good read, it was something different that didn't feel like a gimmick.  Good work.

Theboywhocouldfly,

Thank you for reading. Glad you liked it. Always nice to hear.

Yeah about the "continues", I accidentally wrote it in a WB-script template which automatically plastered those nasty things on each page. the next draft will take care of this.

You have a point about the gun-shops. But I didn't want the end of the world to be with looting and fires and rioting. That's why I used the "people vanished" angle. I wanted the end to be the quitest of things. We went without a fight, you know?

I'm not sure this is clear enough in the script as is, though.
Like I said, I'm gonna keep tweaking it until the 08 where I'll probably enter it in some contests.

I'll get on reading some of your stuff one of these days. Although I can't promise anything before June 12th when I'm done with my exams.

Again, thanks for reading, your comments are appreciated!

Hey, Death Monkey.

I've just enjoyed a nice and warm holiday in Spain but now I'm back in business.

The second draft of The Mute was my obvious first choice upon returning to Simply Scripts (will get to Strangers later - look forward to that one)

On the plus side I liked that you rewrote the scene in the restroom, it flowed better this way - stayed true to the concept. However, I think you still need to flesh out what the deal is with these "Crazies".

I really liked the ending with the photograph.

This is such a brilliant story - sad as hell - but brilliant nonetheless.

Cheers
Rob

PS: I really hope that this gets made into a feature - it's a big mouthfull, no doubt about that, but I would really like to see this on the screen.

Hey Rob, thanks for reading the new draft!

I agree with both your positive and negative critique. I think flows better without any dialogue, but yeah I still have a problem with the crazies. And the muteness, to be frank.

I need to explain both in greater detail, but right now, I'm not sure how.

As for the feature, I'm brainstorming as we speak, and trying to get a treatment down, but the words just aren't coming.

Hopefully I'll find my creative power-animal next week and get something down.

Thanks again for reading.

Quoted from Death Monkey but the words just aren't coming.

Tell me about it. I've been working on the 4th instalment of my Aliens series for about a month now and have pretty much only gotten a page done. I hate it when that happens.

Btw, I don't think you need to go into why people are all mute. The fact that the reader doesn't know this is really what attracted me to the story - it's strange and intriguing.

Rob

Hey Death Monkey,

After Jordan made the claim that this was the best script on the site I just had to check it out. You have a great writing style. As someone else has said, your descriptions paint a very clear picture. I also thought the descriptions were economically written and well paced. I enjoyed the story for the most part and again, as others have said the intrigue created by everybody being mute was a winner.

SPOILER
My favourite scene was the record player scene; when Ellie turns it up and Nicholas realizes that it’s trap. I just love the way it went from that to finding out it was a slaughter house, which then lead into the action scene. That sequence of events was great.

On a less positive note, this post apocalyptic theme has been done many times and although the mute concept brings something fresh to the table, I think you really need to work on explaining why all this has happened; the intrigue you’ve created demands it happens. It’s just a question of whether you can rise to the challenge and provide an answer/pay off that’s worthy of the set up. If you can, you’ll have yourself a cracker of a script.

Typos.

Page 2: Could just be metal fatigue. Should be mental fatigue.

Page 5: Ellie lets her gaze drift into heart of dead city. Should be the heart of the dead city.

Page 8: Ellie spots a ham radio. Should be hand radio.

Page 10: Pictures of woman, in her early thirties. Should be picture of a woman etc
Page 10: Polaroid camera lies tugged away etc. Should be tucked away etc

Page 11: His gaze locks on message across the table. Should be locks on the message across the table.

On page 19 you wrote that we’ll call the angel-faced man THE CHERUB, yet on page 21 you referred to him as the angel-faced man again. From page 19 onwards he should be referred to as the Cherub.    

Hi Chris, thanks for the read. And thanks to Jordan for the advertisment.

I'm glad you liked the script, and my style of writing. I do think this is my best work so far, so it's nice to see other people agree.

As for the entire WHY-aspect, I will work on that in another draft, or possibly in a feature re-working. I'm not sure how much I'm gonna explain about the muteness, but the crazies and the way things happened, I will probably have to shed some light on.

Quoted Text Page 2: Could just be metal fatigue. Should be mental fatigue.

Actually, metal fatigue is right, I think.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fatigue_(material)

Quoted Text page 8: Ellie spots a ham radio. Should be hand radio.

Ham radio is right too. I don't know if it's a solely American term, though.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ham_radio

The other typos are legitimate, so thanks for pointing them out.

Thanks for reading!

Quoted from sniper Tell me about it. I've been working on the 4th instalment of my Aliens series for about a month now and have pretty much only gotten a page done. I hate it when that happens. Btw, I don't think you need to go into why people are all mute. The fact that the reader doesn't know this is really what attracted me to the story - it's strange and intriguing. Rob

Getting stuck is a bitch. There's nothing more frustrating. Just staring at that blank page. Argh!

And as for the mute, I won't explain where it comes from, but I might have to explain some of the circumstances surrounding everyone disappearing. I'm still very much on the fence on that.

But I'm trying to work on a number of scripts right now, to see if that helps on my inspiration.

The only thing that would make everyone permanently mute is an infectious virus that destroyed the vocal chords.

If you leave it unexplained, most people won't think about it or care, the biologically minded though could only put it down to that which may raise questions about the rest of the story.

I'm both a very pedantic writer and reader so I pick up on things that most people wouldn't notice or even care about. It may be something to think about though.

The logical deduction as the story stands is that there has been some kind of biological agent released and in wake of that people are being kidnapped. No natural virus would result in people disappearing.

The logical deduction from that is that either a state of war has broken out between earth nations or there has been an invasion by an extra-terrestrial force.

Ordinary people disappearing seems to lean to the side of an alien invasion. However, it could be just a pyshcological terror strategy to panic the population. The odds on that are certainly lower.


I am perhaps guilty of reading too much into the story, but a story has it's own logic and if you follow that even beyond the written plot you will inevitably come to your own conclusions.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films The only thing that would make everyone permanently mute is an infectious virus that destroyed the vocal chords. If you leave it unexplained, most people won't think about it or care, the biologically minded though could only put it down to that which may raise questions about the rest of the story. I'm both a very pedantic writer and reader so I pick up on things that most people wouldn't notice or even care about. It may be something to think about though. The logical deduction as the story stands is that there has been some kind of biological agent released and in wake of that people are being kidnapped. No natural virus would result in people disappearing. The logical deduction from that is that either a state of war has broken out between earth nations or there has been an invasion by an extra-terrestrial force. Ordinary people disappearing seems to lean to the side of an alien invasion. I am perhaps guilty of reading too much into the story, but a story has it's own logic and if you follow that even beyond the written plot you will inevitably come to your own conclusions.

As it stands right now the mute angle is much more allegorical than scientific. The last thing I want is an biological explanation for it. I was very much inspired by the poetics of the film Last Night and the japanese film Kaďro, which I already mentioned, and I wrote this as an antithesis to most Apocalypse movies where a VIRUS, METEORS, FLOODS, VOLCANOS or NUCLEAR WAR is what's gonna kill us off.

I didn't want that.  I wanted quiet instead of chaos. I just wanted this thing to have happened and no one knew why. It's the premise of the story, and hopefully people will buy into it.

I recently studied for my exams on 19th century English literature and came cross John Keat's Negative Capability theory which basically states that some things should be left unexplained. To me, explaining everything is the death of the imagination.

Suffice to say, I did not mean to hint towards either a biological agent nor alien abductions, but of course people can draw their own conclusions.

An interesting concept but Keat's is more concerned with ideas that cannot or perhaps should not be explained, metaphysical ideas and such.

Muteness is a mundane physical fact and can be easily thought of as having a reason. It's presence in the script openly invites speculation about it's nature. If you do not explain it then the physical characteristics and causes of muteness are the physical characteristics and causes of muteness in your script.

If you have a voice over (irony) saying that there was no biological reason for it, then that invites us to ignore it. The point is if it isn't addressed then the only reason it is there is because people's vocal chords have been destroyed by a virus.

I think the idea of muteness is a wonderful one, as an allegory of how humanity has stopped communicating with each other I could see a re-worked version of this script being perfect. I think it would have to show how the muteness has lead to the breakdown of society itself however.

As it stands the muteness seems to be a by-product of some war that is occurring. You are left with the sense that something has happened and you want to know what it is. Rather than taking away the emphasis on cause and effect you seem to be pointing to it IMO.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films An interesting concept but Keat's is more concerned with ideas that cannot or perhaps should not be explained, metaphysical ideas and such. Muteness is a mundane physical fact and can be easily thought of as having a reason. It's presence in the script openly invites speculation about it's nature. I think the idea of muteness is a wonderful one, as an allegory of how humanity has stopped communicating with each other I could see a re-worked version of this script being perfect. I think it would have to show how the muteness has lead to the breakdown of society itself however. As it stands the muteness seems to be a by-product of some war that is occurring. You are left with the sense that something has happened and you want to know what it is. Rather than taking away the emphasis on cause and effect you seem to be pointing to it IMO.

You make good points.

However, in Ode on a Grecian urne Keats uses the notion of Negative Capability in the way describes the 'mundane' ornaments on the urn, so I don't think the concept necessarily can't be applied in other sciences.

I don't know if you've seen any of the two films I namedropped, but in Last Night, it's the last day on earth. Everybody knows it is, and they known for months. but we never get an explanation for why. In kaďro people end up disappearing into nothing, leaving only a shadows imprinted behind them.

I never questioned why - the science of why. I just went with it. To me, it's kinda how I'm not interested in the science of King Kong, or how zombies got here.

People are different, some people will want to know why, but I'm not that interested in cause so much as I am in effect.

I introduced the concept of the vanishings because the I wanted a quiet earth. I'm not sure I know how to show the break of society. I'm not sure I want to. I don't want mass-panic, I don't want car-crashes or planes going down.

But it's something I'm gonna have to work with eventually. Figure out how I wanna tell the story.

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty that is all
Ye know on earth and all ye need to know".

John Keats is one of the only artists who truly deserves the moniker "genius" IMO.

I think it is wonderful that you are being inspired by truly great artists. It's the reason you write so well. Too many people are inspired only by what they see so their work merely becomes a cheap and lesser imitation of what was already crap to begin with.

The thing is though Ode on a Grecian dealt with a series of paradoxes, the transience of human life vs immortality, life vs art etc.

Paradoxes by their very nature invite us to think,  to go beyond linear thinking.

It is similar to the mysticism in the Tao Te Ching etc.

The figures on the urn are unexplainable, they leave few clues to their origin. It is a work of art that never existed and is just a general recollection of Keats' look at Greek Art.

There is a difference between unexplainable and unexplained. Your script explicitly states that some external force has created this situation and in the absence of  YOUR explanation we are left with what I said before, the logic of reality.

If you want it unexplainable make it happen only once and let us see what happens ie Your star wakes up, can't speak and everyone has disappeared. Everyone that is left can't speak either. The TV would show that the same thing has happened all over the world. That way there is no benefit to anyone and no possible explanation. It becomes unexplainable and not just unexplained.

Then you can get across whatever theme you are going for, the importance of communication or whatever. You can experiment with paradoxes, make them deaf as well and you could have a silent film, exploring the paradox between peace and chaos. Etc etc.

Anyway, sorry to go on.

You're a great writer and there is the potential for this to be something ground-breaking.

Further to what I just said.

I just re-read the script. It came across to me as though people were disappearing at different times. It was because one of the notices said 10 P.M. Was it supposed to be that they had all disappeared at the same time or was it an ongoing process?

Also it seems to be the military behind it, the U.S military at that judging by the access to the gun shop.

That is interesting. If you replace the crazies with the military the script becomes about the Government trying to silence the people.

Very interesting.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films "Beauty is truth, truth beauty that is all Ye know on earth and all ye need to know". John Keats is one of the only artists who truly deserves the moniker "genius" IMO. I think it is wonderful that you are being inspired by truly great artists. It's the reason you write so well. Too many people are inspired only by what they see so their work merely becomes a cheap and lesser imitation of what was already crap to begin with. The thing is though Ode on a Grecian dealt with a series of paradoxes, the transience of human life vs immortality, life vs art etc. Paradoxes by their very nature invite us to think,  to go beyond linear thinking. It is similar to the mysticism in the Tao Te Ching etc. The figures on the urn are unexplainable, they leave few clues to their origin. It is a work of art that never existed and is just a general recollection of Keats' look at Greek Art. There is a difference between unexplainable and unexplained. Your script explicitly states that some external force has created this situation and in the absence of  YOUR explanation we are left with what I said before, the logic of reality. If you want it unexplainable make it happen only once and let us see what happens ie Your star wakes up, can't speak and everyone has disappeared. Everyone that is left can't speak either. The TV would show that the same thing has happened all over the world. That way there is no benefit to anyone and no possible explanation. It becomes unexplainable and not just unexplained. Then you can get across whatever theme you are going for, the importance of communication or whatever. You can experiment with paradoxes, make them deaf as well and you could have a silent film, exploring the paradox between peace and chaos. Etc etc. Anyway, sorry to go on. You're a great writer and there is the potential for this to be something ground-breaking.

My knowledge of Keats is sadly only peripheral, pertaining to what my syllabus required me to read, but I am somewhat inspired my early romanticism, both Keats and Wordsworth.

But Ode on a Grecian and Ode to a Nightingale are my favorites.

I think the imitation phase is something all writers go through. One of my favorite movies of all time is Leon The Professional, and the first script outline I ever did was about a hitman and a young girl who run away together. I think you need to get your plagiarism out of your system before you can find your own stories.

It was never my intention to make seem as if a single tangible external force created either the muteness nor the vanishings, I didn't want to concern myself with that at all. If I have, then that's something I need to rectify. Where do you feel I hint or state that something brought this about?

I wanted to convey the unexplainable aspect in different ways. there's a log entry in the notepad Ellie finds where the question is specifically asked without an answer. but perhaps I could do more.

In the feature, I intent to introduce deaf-mutes who know sign language and thus have an edge. but I'm not sure how to angle it yet.

But thanks for the kind words, and for all your insights and suggestions. It's an interesting discussion.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Further to what I just said. I just re-read the script. It came across to me as though people were disappearing at different times. It was because one of the notices said 10 P.M. Was it supposed to be that they had all disappeared at the same time or was it an ongoing process? Also it seems to be the military behind it, the U.S military at that judging by the access to the gun shop. That is interesting. If you replace the crazies with the military the script becomes about the Government trying to silence the people. Very interesting.

Ah but then I would be venturing into political allegory. That's dangerous territory! ;)

I never had any aspirations to be political, especially not in this day and age where everything seems to be. If I see one more film/TV-show claiming to be an allegory of the war in Iraq, I'm gonna scream.

And actually the story takes place in Canada, but you'd have to live in Toronto to know. I refer to a Toronto subway station and the area code on the piece of paper is Toronto.

But that was more of a goof and not something people were meant to pick up on.

I think the military angle is interesting, even making the crazies the last remnants of their platoon and the went 'crazy', but I'm afraid this would be too close to 28 Days later.

Quoted Text It was never my intention to make seem as if a single tangible external force created either the muteness nor the vanishings, I didn't want to concern myself with that at all. If I have, then that's something I need to rectify. Where do you feel I hint or state that something brought this about?

Well it is clear in your universe that people used to speak because of the answer phone. It is also clear that people have disappeared; we have the notes.

It is implicit in the text that something must have caused this, as it is clear the world has completely changed. That alone suggests that there is a particular cause and that they are related, if they aren't why mention it?

Toronto, OK. Whereabouts are you from anyway?

Beat you to it. :K)

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Well it is clear in your universe that people used to speak because of the answer phone. It is also clear that people have disappeared; we have the notes. It is implicit in the text that something must have caused this, as it is clear the world has completely changed. That alone suggests that there is a particular cause and that they are related, if they aren't why mention it? Toronto, OK. Whereabouts are you from anyway?

Well, suggesting that something has happened doesn't suggest there's cause. Not in a conventional sense anyway. The frogs in Magnolia, for instance.

Naturally, scientifically speaking something MUST'VE caused muteness but that's not an important aspect of the story. The scientific explanation is trvial and boring, IMO. It's plain. Why did it happen? Because People stopped communicating. Why did the flood happen? I like to think of the muteness as a mysterious element. An almost magical thing.

The point is, I didn't want to go into specifics about cause becase I don't think that's where the story is. I feel any explanation would cheapen the concept and make it common.

I'm from Denmark, but at the time of writing I was planning on studying a semester in Toronto. I still am.

This is a wonderful story, but I have to admit, I think reading an entire feature like this would be maddening.  Your decision to keep this at a moderate length was a sound one.  (Get it? Sound? Ahahaha....)

Some of the territory is a little familiar here, though.  Briefly scanning the comments I see that “28 Days Later” has already come up.  I got that from it, too.  But you also keep your story fresh with the unique device you have selected by which to tell it.

The juxtaposition of silence and sound, particularly the musical rape, would make for some brilliant scenes.  The banging of metal and the shattering of glass would be so powerful in an otherwise silent world. If this gets filmed, for God’s sake make sure they have a competent sound guy, because that will make or break this little piece of yours.  

Some comments:

Technical nits first.  Lose the (continued)s. Those are merely clutter on the page eating up your valuable white space.  And Fade Out/Fade In transitions would be the director’s call as opposed to yours.  The first one did not really bug me, actually – it even felt appropriate -- but I did get bugged when they kept on occurring.

The opening scene mentions the food aisles are perfectly preserved, but the next paragraph makes things sound like a chaotic mess.  I do not understand.

As to word choices:  You cannot avert your eyes “to” something, as Nicholas does on page two.  Averting your eyes means to look away.  And you use this again, the same way, on page 16. And something cannot “careen slowly.”  That’s on page 4.

So what happened to the monster in the box?  What the hell was that?  What an odd detail to introduce and then abandon.  I think Nicholas or Ellie should kill it, whatever it is. Either way, that would make their subsequent introductory dynamics even more interesting than they already are, you think?

How come the dog can growl and yelp, while people are rendered mute?  A small point, admittedly, but somebody might wonder.

Typo on page 11.  “…locks on A message…”  I only point it out because you have so few, which is refreshing.  And on page 22, write “Her spit, acid.”  Note the comma.  But after that you should lose “Such fury has never been seen.”  That line is cheesy, and it reads more fluid without it, actually.

Instead of having him carry this phone number around as a crumpled piece of paper, that he likely would have lost anyway during all the carnage, why not give him a crude, homemade tattoo with the number?  Like that dude from Memento.  Then she can copy the number down.

Like I said -- I dig the story, but I do not like the mysteries it leaves dangling behind, unanswered.

I thought we would get an answer for this mute epidemic. In fact, the story almost demands that payoff to justify the world you have created.  Much like “The Pool”, you are leaving a few critical dots unconnected.  At least for my tastes.  

I mean, even the title is a direct reference to this strange and silent malady.  Without an explanation, it comes off as merely a device -- trickery -- as opposed to something actually driving the story forward.

And an author can only play the “open for interpretation” card so often before they start to piss people off   :)

But it’s still a really nice piece of work.  You’ve cracked my top 20 with this one, I think.  The written words scattered throughout the city were cryptic and hopeful and frightening all at once, and I loved those bits.

I think this one could improve with a little more background, provided you are willing to give it.  And you might not be.  And honestly, it may just be me.  Good luck with it, though.  It certainly has potential.

Hey Death Monkey,

I really like this story. It had that Memento quality to it (probably cause of the poloarid camera) mixed in with the Hills Have Eyes. Everything flowed well; it was like a script novel. Bert has pretty much took what I had to say as most of the things that bothered me in the story. The most important is why is everyone mute. Alot of pressure is on that point. Hope you tackle it well. Can't wait for the feautre if you are planning to do one? Excellent work.

Gabe

Quoted from bert This is a wonderful story, but I have to admit, I think reading an entire feature like this would be maddening.  Your decision to keep this at a moderate length was a sound one.  (Get it? Sound? Ahahaha....) Some of the territory is a little familiar here, though.  Briefly scanning the comments I see that “28 Days Later” has already come up.  I got that from it, too.  But you also keep your story fresh with the unique device you have selected by which to tell it. The juxtaposition of silence and sound, particularly the musical rape, would make for some brilliant scenes.  The banging of metal and the shattering of glass would be so powerful in an otherwise silent world. If this gets filmed, for God’s sake make sure they have a competent sound guy, because that will make or break this little piece of yours.

Hi Bert, thanks for reading.

Yeah it's hard to get past the 28 days later comparison. Honestly though, I think that's the treatment any post-apocalyptic script is gonna get these days. but I don't mind it, I loved 28 days later. :)

I'm just gonna respond paragraph by paragraph.

Quoted Text Technical nits first.  Lose the (continued)s. Those are merely clutter on the page eating up your valuable white space.  And Fade Out/Fade In transitions would be the director’s call as opposed to yours.  The first one did not really bug me, actually – it even felt appropriate -- but I did get bugged when they kept on occurring.

I have more than one fade out/fade in? I didn't realize. I'm gonna take a look at that. As for the CONTINUEDs, they were part of the format template I was using at the time.

Quoted Text The opening scene mentions the food aisles are perfectly preserved, but the next paragraph makes things sound like a chaotic mess.  I do not understand.

I think I mention the food aisles are perfectly preserved, and then cut down to the back aisles where they are not. They are meant to be two different locations within the super market.

Quoted Text As to word choices:  You cannot avert your eyes “to” something, as Nicholas does on page two.  Averting your eyes means to look away.  And you use this again, the same way, on page 16. And something cannot “careen slowly.”  That’s on page 4.

Thanks a lot. These will be fixed.

Quoted Text So what happened to the monster in the box?  What the hell was that?  What an odd detail to introduce and then abandon.  I think Nicholas or Ellie should kill it, whatever it is. Either way, that would make their subsequent introductory dynamics even more interesting than they already are, you think?

Well, the monster is supposed to be Ellie. ;) I knew I was kinda cryptic about it but I think it's in there. It was meant to go so fast that you can't tell what it is. It's like in Aliens when Newt scurries across the floor and the marine open fire thinking it's an Alien. In the script we wouldn't be introduced to Newt here, because that would lose the tension of the marines pursuing it as a threat.

A creature JUMPS out from beneath the layers of meat, clawing blindly with its tiny human hands as it tries to get out of the box.

The box falls over and the thing slides quickly, on all fours, through the plastic draping under a shelf in the corner. Panting incessantly.

Nicholas breathes in composure. He begins a slow and wary trek to the creature’s hide-out.

He then pulls the plastic covers aside in one swift motion and raises the crowbar, ready to strike.

A teenage girl quails, knees-to-chest against the wall. ELLIE, 17.

Quoted Text How come the dog can growl and yelp, while people are rendered mute?  A small point, admittedly, but somebody might wonder.

Only human beings are affected, which I think further suggests that this is not a viral thing or epidemic.

Quoted Text Typo on page 11.  “…locks on A message…”  I only point it out because you have so few, which is refreshing.  And on page 22, write “Her spit, acid.”  Note the comma.  But after that you should lose “Such fury has never been seen.”  That line is cheesy, and it reads more fluid without it, actually.

Duely noted. I'll get right on that.

Quoted Text Instead of having him carry this phone number around as a crumpled piece of paper, that he likely would have lost anyway during all the carnage, why not give him a crude, homemade tattoo with the number?  Like that dude from Memento.  Then she can copy the number down.

Hmmm...you have a point. But at the same time I wanted it to be something that could be GIVEN to Ellie, you know, a physichal token changing hands from one soul to another. But it is an interesting thought, and I guess I could have Ellie look to the number on her arm in the end when dialing.

Quoted Text Like I said -- I dig the story, but I do not like the mysteries it leaves dangling behind, unanswered. I thought we would get an answer for this mute epidemic. In fact, the story almost demands that payoff to justify the world you have created.  Much like “The Pool”, you are leaving a few critical dots unconnected.  At least for my tastes.   I mean, even the title is a direct reference to this strange and silent malady.  Without an explanation, it comes off as merely a device -- trickery -- as opposed to something actually driving the story forward. And an author can only play the “open for interpretation” card so often before they start to piss people off   :)

Haha yeah, sorry about that. I know some people don't like having things left unanswered and most of the time I agree, but I specifically wrote this as a sort of allegory, where the cataclysmic event (the muteness) wasn't supposed to be questioned. Like zombies in Romero's Dawn of the Dead. We're given no scientific explanation as to why, but the allegorical notion of the film is that people turned into zombies because they had become mindless consumers.

But I know this a great divider. I do think this has more left unanswered than The Pool. There is an answer in The Pool, it's just kinda cryptic, but here I don't address why in other than allegorical terms (Ellie retreating to watching the silent TV screens, and the crazies doing the same).

Quoted Text But it’s still a really nice piece of work.  You’ve cracked my top 20 with this one, I think.  The written words scattered throughout the city were cryptic and hopeful and frightening all at once, and I loved those bits. I think this one could improve with a little more background, provided you are willing to give it.  And you might not be.  And honestly, it may just be me.  Good luck with it, though.  It certainly has potential.

Whoa, thanks, Bert. I'm working on outlining a feature, but I'm not really getting anywhere. I wanted to use the short as a sort of first act, which I think would be cool, because it would defy convention to have a central character die at the end of act 1 and I think it would give the reader a sense of danger; anything can happen. But like you said, an entire script like this is both difficult to read and write. Also to be fair, what I have right now probably corresponds to 40 pages with dialogue, and thus 40 minutes.

I will be submitting it to some contests, and will be making some last minute changes now. So thanks a lot.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Death Monkey, I really like this story. It had that Memento quality to it (probably cause of the poloarid camera) mixed in with the Hills Have Eyes. Everything flowed well; it was like a script novel. Bert has pretty much took what I had to say as most of the things that bothered me in the story. The most important is why is everyone mute. Alot of pressure is on that point. Hope you tackle it well. Can't wait for the feautre if you are planning to do one? Excellent work. Gabe

Thanks for the read, Gabe.

A script novel? Hey, I like that.

Yeah, the "why are people mute" is definitely something a lot of people are responding to. I don't know what to do with it, 'cause I honestly can't think of an explanation that wouldn't be cheesy. Kinda like an explanation for zombies, as I mentioned above. The thing I actually liked LEAST about 28 days later was the rage-virus. I thought that was really stupid, and would rather we never were told what the monkeys had been injected with.

But maybe that's just me.

But yeah, if a feature happens, I probably wouldn't be able to get away with leaving so many things unanswered.

Thanks again.

Hey T.J., this was an interesting read.

It reminded me of '28 Days Later'(an wasome movie) and i really think this could be stretched into a successful feature.

Once again, you're format is perfect. You've really got it down to a T.

The story was very good, although I do have one question. What was the creature in the freezer?

I only have one gripe with this otherwise awsome script. The lack of dialogue makes this a very slow read. It's not unbearibly slow, it's just an annoying little flaw.

This is my favorite script from you and I'd really like to see a follow up. Or maybe a prequel!

~Zack~

Sorry Zack, I don't know how I missed your post? I was sure I had replied.

Anyway, thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it. I think I have mentioned somewhere in this thread that the "creature" in the box is actually Ellie before Nicholas knows what she is. But I may just have imagined that too.

Yeah I realize the lack of dialogue sorta stretches this one out. It's 25 pages, but it would probably be a 35-40 minute film if produced.

Thanks again.


On a sidenote, I just got notification that "The Mute" has finished 2nd in The Movie Script Contest, which is awesome! Doesn't pay anything but I get writing books, Listing of short on inktip.com, Photo & bio on site for 6 months and Press Release to industry.

And gloating rights. I'm definitely in it for the gloating rights.

http://www.moviescriptcontest.com

This is the first contest I entered so that's a boost to my self-confidence.

Though I kinda regret having to pass them such an "emo" pic of myself looking introspective for their website. But the only time people take pictures of me is when I'm drunk and I don't think that would be proper etiquette...

Hey, T.J.

That's friggen awesome news. Congrats on the second place!

:D

Thanks Matt!

I'm really psyched about it. I've been in an inspirational slump these past months so perhaps this'll get me writing again. Renewed vigor and all that.

Best 32 bucks I ever spent. Especially with the U.S. dollar being so cheap these days. ;)

That's awesome!

Congratulations. :-)

Thanks Pia! :)

By the way, I wanna recommend this contest to all of you next year. I got lengthy and professional feedback just 2-3 weeks after the deadline and I was notified of every stage in the competition.

The way I hear it, this is not the norm.

Quoted from Death Monkey I got lengthy and professional feedback just 2-3 weeks after the deadline

Post the feedback on this thread.

THE MOVIE SCRIPT CONTEST FEEDBACK

Title: The Mute
Author: T. J. Hundtofte
Form/Pgs: Short/24
Date: 08/20/07



COMMENTS SUMMARY: Clever story, well written with nice set-up and pay-off and succeeds despite absence of dialogue.


COMMENTS: Very original story; complete lack of dialogue in the piece is very different, quite courageous since it depends solely of writer’s visual story telling ability. As such it succeeds well. Despite some flaws (see below) writer shows deft skill in portraying vivid visual scene description. The depiction of the end-of-the-world type scenario seems very authentic and chilling. The message of the tale (intended or not) seems to be that two people might yet find companionship in the brutal harshness of the world; and that love is hard to completely extinguish. This theme of humanity elevates the material beyond genre fare and gets high marks. This theme is reinforced by Nicholas’ fixation with a phone number for some girl called Kayleigh. It seems like Kayleigh is someone important to him, perhaps a true love and the fact that he keeps calling her only to listen to her voice on an answering machine demonstrates he still feels love. This set-up is nicely paid off when Ellie calls the number and hears the answer machine, and then hears the S.O.S in Morse code.

The graffiti and messages that appear throughout the story help make up for the lack of dialogue and gives us some sense of what might have happened. But it doesn’t reveal what. One wonders what happened, why did everyone become mute? Some worldwide plague? Alien Invasion? Some super weapon unleashed by a mad man? It would be nice to have a bit more information.

Also, in this post-apocalyptic world, electricity is still running. The freezer at the supermarket, TV’s in store window, power for the record player etc. One wonders how there is still electricity. Who is running the power plants to provide the electricity? It seems that there might be gas (petrol) in gas stations and sitting in the tanks of cars, and there would be lots of car batteries, possibly even running water. But it seems a stretch to think there would be electrical power. Unless the disaster that destroyed civilization was very recent.

Though the scene description is written very well, here’s some tips on formatting that might make it better. The script has some sounds that are ALLCAPS and some that are lower case. It’s better to be consistent and use ALLCAPS for every sound. Also try to use some shots in the script, example:

________________________________________________________________________

INT. SUPERMARKET  - DAY

The aisles are empty. Abandoned shopping carts, vacant check-out registers.

INSERT CASH REGISTER LED DISPLAY (shot)

Digits flash across the LED display.

Fluorescent light flickers eerily from the ceiling above.

Unobtrusive MUZAK fills the air.

BACK AISLE (sub header)

Footsteps PATTER in the b.g.

A HAND (shot)

Dirty and bloodstained grabs a can from a supermarket shelf.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL: (shot)

NICHOLAS, (29), dark, greasy hair in tattered hoodie. He walks down the aisle with a slight limp and has a desperate look about him. He turns the can in his hand, searching for an opening.



Though you don’t want to use too many shots and sub headers in a script. It’s a good idea to include some since it looks better that way. Also, use INSERT when showing us a close up of something written, example:

________________________________________________________________________

INSERT: TORN PIECE OF PAPER

Handwritten words read, “HELP US, PLEASE!”

Or


INSERT: NEWSPAPER CLIPPING

Depicts a grainy photo of a masked man. Underneath the photo is a caption,
“HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?”

You don’t have to use INSERT for big signs and so forth, just small items that need to be a separate shot so we can see what’s written. For a close up on something like a hand or gun just do:

CLOSE ON  

Revolver. Chrome plated, snub nosed, the worn grip has the name “SAMMY” etched into the wood.

You get the idea.



In sum, great story, original, very clever.

RECOMMENDED READING:

                         The Screenwriter’s Bible: David Trottier

                         Crafty Screenwriting: Alex Epstein.

Quoted from Death Monkey On a sidenote, I just got notification that "The Mute" has finished 2nd in The Movie Script Contest

So, of all the losers - you finished 1^st  ;D

I'm kidding, TJ. You know I love this script. That's awesome news and congrats with that. If yours finished 2^nd, I'd imagine we'll be seeing the writer of the script that came in 1^st place accepting an oscar next year cos' it would have to be pretty damn good.


Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper So, of all the losers - you finished 1st  ;D I'm kidding, TJ. You know I love this script. That's awesome news and congrats with that. If yours finished 2nd, I'd imagine we'll be seeing the writer of the script that came in 1st place accepting an oscar next year cos' it would have to be pretty damn good. Cheers Rob

Haha! Yeah "if you ain't first, you're last." ;)

Jason Zimmatore over at The Movie Script Contest actually called me and told me that one of the judges had been very adamant about awarding the Mute first place, so that feels good knowing that it wasn't a clean cut second place, that I was in the race for first place.

He also told me that the company that makes the small trophy I'll get in the mail in a couple of weeks also makes the Oscar statuettes. Wicked cool.

But yeah I look forward to reading the other winners' scripts and see what I went up against.

I had an ass clown writer refuse to read one of my scripts here one time cause the top half of the first page was a black block of action and that was just wrong.

Ha! and here you are with a whole script with no dialouge. And good O to you for daring to break the rules.

I never understood why every page of a scipt had to have an even balance of action and dialouge.  After all film is a visual medium so why not let the action tell the story?

This script was well written and the visual telling of the story worked really well.  You captured perfectly a city where civilization had come to a complete stop.  Very good atmosphere.

The concept of everyone being mute is amazing. I know a lot of people who just won't shut up so suddenly have a world where no one can talk would be horrible.

And I notice some people above comment on that it not make sense why they ring phone number.

Of course it make sense. They are ringing the phone just to hear human speech via the answering machine. yes?

  

Tonka,

Thanks for reading and all.

Yeah I thought it'd be fun to do a script without dialogue at all, and see where that'd take me. I'm glad it worked for you.

About the phone, yeah that's exactly right. Answering machines are the last recordings of human speech in a world where everyone's mute.

Thanks again.


Btw. if anyone's interested (and I'm sure you all are) my interview about The Mute for my 2nd place is up at http://www.moviescriptcontest.com/winnerscircle.html

My first ever interview, where I'm the interviewee! Thrilling!

Thanks for this, a really great read and a very original story. Not the easiest of scripts to follow i guess, took a bit more reading than any other short i have read but certainly worth it for the originality. This is the first short i have read that has an idea i can see being turned into a feature, whether or not someone could make a feature with no dialogue though is another thing. Though i am sure there is a ballsy enterprising Nolanesque director out there somewhere who could make it work.

Whoa. thanks there, Murphy. I'm glad you got the most out of it.

And yeah, I wouldn't mind a Nolanesque director taking on this one ;)

Found this amongst my e-mails this afternoon:

Quoted Text 2008 BlueCat Lab Short Screenplay Finalists A Delightful Discovery by Gabriel Vallejo Bear by Steven Tagle Cuckoo by Nick Myles I Love Lou Reed, But Sometimes He Gets On My Nerves by C.M. Velazquez Jessie James by Josef Steiff Kung Fu Granny by Myra Sito Velasquez Last Drag by Heather Ferrell Letter to Angus by Caroline Gelegonya Maude by Emily Marcuson On Dreaming by Remi Weekes Once Bitten by James Coleman & Campbell Glennie Pigeon Camera by Stanley Ray Real Men Play Futebol by Andrew Bumstead Ruyah Kureshi by Nina Juliano Swimming Lessons by W Scott Lyon The Mute by T. J. Hundtofte Uncirclelight by Donovan Fletcher

I'd say that's worth a bump and a congrats for a pretty good script.

Any rewrites for Bluecat, TJ, or did they read what we've got here?

Good on ya, TJ. I hope you win.

Congrats TJ! Oddly enough, I still remember this story as if I read it yesterday. I wish you luck in this contest.

Gabe

Thanks a lot guys! I wanted to see if I actually won anything before I bumped the script, but I'm not gonna complain about a bit of attention! ;)

I had actually completely forgotten about this contest until I was notified I had made the semi-finals in early January. They postponed the announcement a few times and I still have no idea when the winner will be announced...?

Bert:

I made a few revisions after my Movie Script Contest 2nd place. Mostly technical stuff, like a few INSERTS and trimming of paragraphs, and then I changed the inscription on the photograph towards the end a bit. I think that was pretty much it, really. But I haven't really looked on the version that's on this site in a while, so now I'm not really sure. It's been changed some since the first draft I posted, but I'm not sure which one you read...

Anyway, I hope it's not another month before they announce the winner.