I would avoid alot of description b4 getting to some dialog.It opens with   4 pages of description by getting dialog. This should help if u cut out the mood setting b4 the cat arrives at mrs. bernstein's

You being to blunt on calling a shot, without callin a shot, example " A close look at one of the old photos on the wall."
Just go right to" There is a picture on the wall of Mrs. Bernstein, dressed in her memorable dress, surrounded by well known actors." smething like that. Thats sayin a shot without saying LOOK CLOSE HERE, you know?

So remove all these shot calling u have here( which is ALOT) if this is intended for a spec script.  And all other things in description that doesnt serve your plo in pushing it forward. Have to say the most in fewest words.
examples " Then, breaking the intimate silence..." " Not even bothering to even spell the name correct"
These lines have no place in description. !st one goes without saying and second one does too since u follow it up with the spelling correction. You wanna add  its reads "Bernstein Funeral" after she makes corrections.

Remove, nows, thens, begins, suddenly, finally. Action occurs in the order you place it. So goes without saying.
Writing suddenly actually has the opposite affect, write action so it comes across as sudden.

pg6-9  is useless scenary that isnt pushing ur story forward ( that I see yet). Cut them unless later those scenes some how tie in later in the story and if they do, shorten them. they should come after u introduce MEL. So when she sees these things, we do.

Really find in your descriptions the bar bones, your detailing is coming n thick, which is good now and then, but as of right now, u r writing this as if a book. example" Squints at the flood of sunlight, etc..." needs to go. Its doesnt server ur plot.

pg 11. I'll never known a phone to tell u if ur "Service" is active or not, that wasnt speakin in term of SIGNAL strength.

Also, is this a movie already or book? I noticed story by ted campbell... Next note on this, people here usually dont like to read unoriginal work (that isnt urs) bcuz, how r we to comment and give feed back to a story which u didnt create. So all there is to point out is writing mistakes, and proper formatting issues. You trend to much on director toes with what you are doing.

side note - format centering looks off, might be just me tho.

Do not have action in these ( )... example page 23 (takes drink)

Don't tell us in description, what people do, show us or say in dialog, example "costume and make up guy"

pg31 by now you should have had end of act one occur. Structure is off so far. But now, all that u have could be told between 15-20 pages, yet we r at 31.  I believe once you remove all the unessary things it would be easy fix.

Another thing you OVER due double spacing. These should be only used for action lines for impact.
example
"
Nate searches his mental vocabulary.

Mel wait"                                   ( which these 2 lines dont even need to be there)

should read
"
        NATE
I mean, well... You're pretty enough.

Mel blushs."

pg 44. Also, indicating flash back or Dream sequence is neccessary becuz it can confuse the reader and  take them out of the story.

You need to have those there.


*Dialog seems to be good so far., but nothing is really happening yet to mel is  peaking deep interest. Once you trimmed alot this will help, picking up the pace.

at page 50, and I have yet t find a CLEAR end of act one. Where her old life ends and somethin new leads to new direction. (life altering), back on page 23 u had the Mo said no shows, but it realy didnt come off as a real big deal to her. If that is ur end of act one. I would punch it up more. That it REALLY effects her life status.

page 52. Hmm, I cant help but be reminded of "sliver" with sharon stones old movie. on this page kinda of cliches, wit the setup of lookin at people in their apts and what not with binocular

page 59, kinda of annoying emily dialog says "mel"  in it almost everytime

another thing occurred to me here we are at page 60, and there is not one hint of the beginning mystery of Mrs bernsteins deaths. No nothin pointing towards anyone or anything "creepy" going on. Except u  have her dressed but its been long and 4gotten about, just feels random . Hopefully things come full circle soon.

Its really hard to tell where this story is leading to. The stakes should have been upped for her by now, and the sudden" porn" shooting is flat. If that is ur upping the stakes for the protagonist.

Your whole (listens) is wrong, use "..." her answers suggests she listens and replies.

pg 62 Nate cross dresser perhaps?

68. the pill, vomit is a bit much, but i like it ;0),. Im left wondering tho why she " had" to throw up****

page 70 NEVER ask questions in description... thats a no no my friend

Side note- its really convient how  mel keeps seeing "the blonde" for like the 4th time, she just so happens to look at the window each time and there the blonde is.

Anoter side note - you dont have a side plot( i know u have this murder thing, but its not fleshed out enuff), and I really dont feel "real" plot to this story. Its like things are just happen, but the majority of the things drag. Again which can be rectified by trimming down ur over written descriptions and stage directions.

I like kurtsic characters, with the little things he says about life facts, you should involve alil more story to him

86side note- u have alot of repeating scenes, example " Harry's BMW pulls up" this is like the 3rd time, very unintresting the repetiveness the story scenes have. Another examples, Knocking on a door. you show this like 6 or 7 time thru out.

84, mel bi polar or multiple personality?  becuz her sudden change in character speech toward him, when see is the creepy one stalking is odd. ** Now i think of it, its never fully explained why she becomescrazy like nate at the end***

94, u need to change that comment about we should have them within the hour to within a few minutes becuz on 93, he says this and page 94 he has them..... a page later.

pg 96 another note, u need to cut back on ur phone calls. It isnt very cinematic. Not removing all, just have fewer scenes with them

page 98. This is very unrealistic and contrived that she opens the door to "the blonde" ( which I belive to be nate since page 62)

page 99. No real surprise, at least for me that it is indeed nate, and its going to be REAL hard to pull off on screen with as much screen time "nate" has that it isnt a woman. Also When entering new scene always have description b4 dialog.

102 -  have too much cheesy dialog goin on with the seriousness u have laid out. It really takes away from the mood

103, chokes on candy? VERY anti climactic

106- again u need flash back here. I know udont like it, but u have to have it. when u do a flash back, u dont show almost the entire sequence, just toward where u like off. I would start it when she is in the tub and she hear the bang and say is that you fickle  and end it after what we didnt see b4.


What the cat kills her? I really dont know what to make of that. and the whole character change of Mel, it all just seems really silly.

Why was nate/teri on a killin rampage? Y targeting mel? Why the mood swings with mel? Why did nate /teri kill the real nate.

Alot of unanswered questions present itself throught the story.

The story entire needs new draft for things to clearly make sense. I didnt feel any surprises, or interesting plot.

Things just didnt come for cricle for me here. You can write thats for sure, you just have alot of rookie mistakes. Granted story isnt yours. I would like to see your own story play out.

Best of luck on new draft and feel free to ask questions if u have any. Remember everything i said here just my opinion for what a spec script should be.

Quoted from JD_OK Also, is this a movie already or book? I noticed story by ted campbell... Next note on this, people here usually dont like to read unoriginal work (that isnt urs) bcuz, how r we to comment and give feed back to a story which u didnt create. So all there is to point out is writing mistakes, and proper formatting issues. You trend to much on director toes with what you are doing.

Ted Campbell is a member here who was looking for a low budget script to produce.  I'm assuming that he liked the style of the script that medstudent pitched and commissioned him to write this script for him based on his story.

Could also be an explanation for the excessive camera directions.

JD,

First, thanks for the review.

Quoted Text I would avoid, got 4 pages of description by getting dialog. This should help if u cut out the mood setting b4 the cat arrives at mrs. bernstein's

Avoid what? You`re review is riddled with... well, riddles. I think I know what you mean. This is a part that is being rewritten.

Quoted Text So remove all these shot calling u have here( which is ALOT) if this is intended for a spec script.  And all other things in description that doesnt serve your plo in pushing it forward. Have to say the most in fewest words. examples " Then, breaking the intimate silence..." " Not even bothering to even spell the name correct" These lines have no place in description. !st one goes without saying and second one does too since u follow it up with the spelling correction. You wanna add  its reads "Bernstein Funeral" after she makes corrections. Remove, nows, thens, begins, suddenly, finally. Action occurs in the order you place it. So goes without saying. Writing suddenly actually has the opposite affect, write action so it comes across as sudden.

We obviously have different writing styles. So I`m not going to comment on them.

Quoted Text Also, is this a movie already or book? I noticed story by ted campbell... Next note on this, people here usually dont like to read unoriginal work (that isnt urs) bcuz, how r we to comment and give feed back to a story which u didnt create. So all there is to point out is writing mistakes, and proper formatting issues. You trend to much on director toes with what you are doing.

I`m not sure why this should have any effect on your review. As, I said, This screenplay, my screenplay, was written in collaboration with a director form a 13 page treatment. Don`t know what the difficulty is. Sorry.

Quoted Text Another thing you OVER due double spacing. These should be only used for action lines for impact. example

Again, not sure what you mean by this. I use double spacing as it is supposed to. Between, action sequences, slug lines, etc.

Quoted Text pg 44. Also, indicating flash back or Dream sequence is neccessary becuz it can confuse the reader and  take them out of the story. You need to have those there.

Again, we`ll just have to agree to disagree on this.

Quoted Text at page 50, and I have yet t find a CLEAR end of act one. Where her old life ends and somethin new leads to new direction. (life altering), back on page 23 u had the Mo said no shows, but it realy didnt come off as a real big deal to her. If that is ur end of act one. I would punch it up more. That it REALLYeffects her life status.

I know. This is one thing that is being re-worked. Thanks.

Quoted Text page 52. Hmm, I cant help but be reminded of "sliver" with sharon stones old movie. on this page kinda of cliches, wit the setup of lookin at people in their apts and what not with binocular

Never saw it. Don`t know if it`s similar or not.

Quoted Text 86side note- u have alot of repeating scenes, example " Harry's BMW pulls up" this is like the 3rd time, very unintresting the repetiveness the story scenes have. Another examples, Knocking on a door. you show this like 6 or 7 time thru out.

Good point. Will work on this.

I know you killed me with this. Okay, I can take a beating. Was there at least one instance that was worth reading?

Mike,

Quoted Text Ted Campbell is a member here who was looking for a low budget script to produce.  I'm assuming that he liked the style of the script that medstudent pitched and commissioned him to write this script for him based on his story.

You`re right. But there were no uses of camera shots. I don`t use them. I don`t know how.

Joseph

Quoted from medstudent JD, You`re right. But there were no uses of camera shots. I don`t use them. I don`t know how.

Oh okay.  I saw something in JD's feedback about shot calling and assumed that's what he was talking about.

There seems to be lots of "hommages" to Hitchcock's Rear Window and Psycho here, much like Brian DePalma's earlier films, suggesting the man is actually a woman, woman is actually a man scenario.  This all goes back to Norman Bates.  There was a lot of colorful imagery here, great descriptions, very rich to set the scene.  (Don't overdue it though.)  This was very distracting and seemed to go on forever.  Get to the point sooner with your action.  A little more dialogue could have been better.  

I liked your use of symbolism here.  The girl is an actress, playing other people, obsessed with other people's lives as a voyeur, watching out her window.  On the other hand, her killing Bernstein didn't feel right.  I just didn't understand why?  

The writer, dancer, couple, killer thing was straight out of Rear Window.  I get that.  The biggest problem I had here was the killer's motives.  I didn't get how obsessed this person was or what they were obsessed about.  Why is he killing?  I know you explain it, but it just didn't feel concluded at the end.  

Your descriptions and use of action are some of the best I've seen on this site.  You had me locked in at the beginning, but then, as I read on, nothing seemed to be happening.  There's some great stuff in here, but the great stuff was too few and far between.  

I would add some more mysterious stuff here and there, watching through the window, piecing it all together.  Disturbia did this well.  Make the little details richer and make it more of a mystery, rather than the character study it is.  Her trials and tribulations as an actress are okay to add a little subplot into the mix, but don't focus too much on that.  That's all just dressing.  The real story in this is the killer.  Don't let this fall to the wayside.  

Focus on the murders throughout the story, in more places.  Keep it scary.  Your slow build up is good, reminds me of John Carpenter's Halloween, but is a bit too slow.  Things need to happen quicker.

It's great to find another writer here that has the same tastes as me.  I enjoyed the potential this script has, but needs some more work.  Let everything happen sooner and make it a lot darker and more suspenseful.  More scary stuff, man.  You know what I mean?  I'll definitely check out the re-writes on this one.  Looking forward to it.

Eric

PS

Thanks for your review.                

SPOILERS-------------------------------------------------

It takes a while to get the story set-up. Detective Kurtsic was interesting, let’s see where that goes.

The scene with Mel in the play was absolutely hilarious.

I’m on page 35 and I can’t really say anything. The story to put it bluntly is rather boring. Nothing to me is very interesting. At this point in the story something exciting really needs to happen.

On page 42, the dream was very startling and well written. Its interesting scenes like this that would make the reader want to continue.

The conversation between Mel and Nate is good at the restaurant. It’s different.

Did I miss something? On page 52, Why doesn’t Mel question Nate when he reflexively stops her?

The whole erotic fiction sub-plot was pretty funny. Emily is a fun character.

Wow, why does Mel go into Nate’s house and start looking through things? Is she that curious to walk into another person’s home and look through things? I think I missed something, please correct me if I’m wrong.

Great scene with Nate dressed in women’s clothing. Reminds me of Psycho and other Hitchcock movies.

Great how Mel kicks Nate (or Teri) and she/he dies by choking on his own candy.

I’m a little confused by the ending. I’m feeling a little slow.

What exactly happened????

*Just a suggestion, but what if you could get Kurtsic more involved. There’s a long time in the script where he’s no where to be seen. What if he helped Mel out during her battle with Nate.

*Your stories as always are very descriptive and I think that’s your strong point as well as your weak point. If you have descriptions in your script that seriously don’t push anything forward, they really do need to be removed. They slow down the script and you’ll lose a lot of readers or audience members.

*Your story starts off fairly slow and though it works for the most part and it comes to a great conclusion I think you need to get things moving faster.

Quoted Text There seems to be lots of "hommages" to Hitchcock's Rear Window and Psycho here, much like Brian DePalma's earlier films

Okay, the verdict is in... this story pays tribute to Hitchock.

I'm ashamed to say I've never seen either movie(I swear!). I'll just have to trust you on this. Not saying that it doesn't borrow some things from either movie (remember, this is written from a treatment done by someone else). I guess I should watch them to see how much has been borrowed.

Quoted Text I didn't get how obsessed this person was or what they were obsessed about.  Why is he killing?

I thought about Nate's pathology and what could possess a person to do the things that he/she has done. I decided that he has an obsessive/stalker pathology. I need to make this clearer without being too on the nose with it.

Quoted Text There's some great stuff in here, but the great stuff was too few and far between.

You're absolutely right. It has taken me five feature screenplays(including this one) to begin to get this through my head. While one or two scenes of fluff are okay, I suppose, four or five aren't. I need to make every scene(except for my one gratuitous fluff scene) mean something. Every line of action should stand on its own.

Quoted Text I’m on page 35 and I can’t really say anything. The story to put it bluntly is rather boring.

TAnthony, tell me how you really felt about it! :) Kidding. I know. The first thirty pages have to be redone.

Quoted Text Wow, why does Mel go into Nate’s house and start looking through things? Is she that curious to walk into another person’s home and look through things?

Here I wanted the reader to go, "How the hell does she have a key to the Bernstein place?" Create a sense of suspicion not only about Nate but Mel as well.

Quoted Text I’m a little confused by the ending. I’m feeling a little slow.

Not sure what part you mean. Mel's change? The Bernstein death?

I basically played off of one major theme throughout the story(tried to, at least). I wanted to have an underlying theme of perception(or misperception) of the cast of characters within the story. The people in the window, Nate, Mel not all quite what we percieved them to be in the beginning. Kinda like everyday run-ins with people. We automatically create an image of who we think they are or want them to be whether it be right or wrong.

Quoted Text What exactly happened????

With which part?

Quoted Text Just a suggestion, but what if you could get Kurtsic more involved.

Thanks for pointing this out. I actually liked writing the part of Kurtsic. I should involve him more with the story. I'm trying to decide how though.

Quoted Text If you have descriptions in your script that seriously don’t push anything forward, they really do need to be removed.

You've mentioned this to me before, I think. Honestly I'm making an effort to do this when I write. It gets a little tedious at times. I'm hoping if I get the structure fixed this may seem less of a nuiscance(sp?).

Quoted Text I think you need to get things moving faster.

You're right. This is going to be my focus the next rewrite.

Thanks to the both of you for reading and commenting on it. I appreciate it.

TAnthony, I owe you!


Joseph

Hey Joseph,

I've just finished Perception and I'm not sure where I'm leaning with this. I really liked the core elements of the plot but then again, I didn't really like the script itself. Confused? Guess it's all a matter of perception...

!!!SPOILERS!!!

Story wise, I liked how smoothly you blended together elements from Rear Window and Dressed To Kill, nice touch - though not original. I loved the foreboding feel the story had, it kinda felt like something was lurking just beneath the surface - something horrible, of course - it made me feel...uneasy (I guess is the word that best explain my state of mind).

But the story took forever to get going, nothing really happens in the first 50-60 pages. Sure there are some peculiar moments, a couple of odd characters but I didn't feel it was enough to keep me interested. Remember that you have 10-15 pages to hook the reader and I think you failed Joseph. I read this script because I told you I would, had I just picked it up at random I probably wouldn't have finished it, I'm sorry to say.

The main problem is the level of details. I understand that you are into avant garde movies (it certainly shows), I know you like your scenes to be extended but I think you should leave that to the director and the editor. Dragging scenes out to a point where it's almost painful isn't helping your script. Every scene should move the story forward, alas yours doesn't do that, instead they pause the story.

And it's a damn shame because you CAN write, that's obvious to everyone.

You don't have to write what is obvious. When someone hands somebody a business card it's obvious they got it from a pocket (who walks around with their business card in their hand?).

The entire scene in the beginning when Mel is watching all her neighbors should fill no more than a paragraph I think, because the things you describe in that scene is exactly the same things Mel tell Nate after there date. It's overwriting and it hurts.

This is also the scene where you introduce Mel and after reading it I wasn't sure whether or not she was a Peeping Tom, curious or just plain lonely.

Overall I think the character Mel was described pretty good but I'm not sure why she keeps falling asleep or why she goes sorta berserk during the shooting of the erotic zombie flick. I didn't feel that she developed a whole lot during the story...until the end of course - that was totally out of the blue.

Speaking of the end, I don't know if I missed some crucial info reading through all those detail, but that ending went totally over my head. Maybe my IQ dropped towards the end or your writing simply failed, either way I did not get that ending.

The other characters were so and so, even Nate/Teri. Kurtsic was good though, I liked him instantly.

Your dialogue is really good, that impressed me a lot.You used very short sentences to get the point and mood across. Nice work.

A couple of questions:

Why do you call her "widow" Bernstein? I never saw any evidence that she was married. Plus the old man at her funeral says "Never had kids. Nor a husband." So how can she be a widow?

The portable radio that falls into the bathtub is that the kind that uses batteries? If so, how can she get electrocuted?

A suggestions:

Don't use the word "Suddenly" when you want to surprise/scare the reader. It works exactly opposite. You have to write it so that the action appears suddenly.

All in all I thought the story was good but the script wasn't. I understand that this was sort of a hired job, that the script is build on an outline made by someone else. I take it that he has read some of you other work and that he likes your style. But in order for this to work as a Spec Script it needs a lot of work - a lot. Trim it down and get rid of all the non-essential.

This is far from being a page-turner that it deserves to be, but with a some work it could be.


Cheers
Rob

First, Sniper thanks for reading and giving feedback. Any constructive feedback, no matter how disheartening is appreciated.

Quoted Text the story took forever to get going, nothing really happens in the first 50-60 pages. Sure there are some peculiar moments, a couple of odd characters but I didn't feel it was enough to keep me interested.

You are right with this. Am going to do a rehaul of this(an the entire thing) when I get the chance.

Quoted Text know you like your scenes to be extended but I think you should leave that to the director and the editor. Dragging scenes out to a point where it's almost painful isn't helping your script.

I think I`m finally getting the hint with this. My future screenplays will be missing this.

Quoted Text Why do you call her "widow" Bernstein?

You know, I wasn`t sure anyone would catch this. I gave her that name to add to her description. While she`s not a "widow" technically, I thought calling her that would immediately allow readers to form the image of her that I had in my head.

Quoted Text The portable radio that falls into the bathtub is that the kind that uses batteries?

Actually, I thought I mentioned that she unplugged it from the wall. I should make this a little clearer.

Quoted Text This is far from being a page-turner that it deserves to be, but with a some work it could be.

Sometimes I feel as though I`m putting the tire where the side mirrors should be. I feel like I`m getting there but obviously need some work.

Again, thanks for the review. It is sincerely appreciated.

Joseph