Chum by Antonio Gangemi - Short, Romantic Comedy - They dated way back when.  Life went on.  More so for her than for him.  Now she's one month away from marrying a billionaire.  And he's got one day to win her back. (9 pages) - pdf, format 8)

Romantic comedy?  Eh, didn't exactly do it for me.  Though, I did appreciate the effort.  The dialogue was nice.  Would take a good actor to play Michael to pull it off, otherwise he is just to much of a self-loather to cheer on.  Also, attempted suicides rarely turn girls around to your side or get audience laughs.

But I definitely enjoy your writing.

Dethan

Some excellent dialogue and an interesting ending.

Advice:

My attention started to wander around pages 5-6 because there didn't appear to be anything that either of them wanted. I think you need to establish that Michael wants a kiss earlier.

Subtextually we know that is what he is doing , but it gets lost with all the time that goes by. When he starts on about sex, it drives Sara away so we lose the point of the film.

That means that the end isn't setup correctly. It seems to come out of the blue and lacks the emotional impact that it might otherwise have had.

I'd do another draft and try to enforce the feelings of desire from Michael and Sara (why would she go on a boat with Michael if she still didn't wonder how things might have been?).

Also I'd be tempted to have some of the converstaion taking place on land. Have Michael uncover the boat. I'vbe got something to show you. The audience needs mysteries to follow. The story is very important.

The film at the moment is as still as the water, what critics call Talking Heads because nothing else is going on. Find something else for them to do, a picnic on an island,  fishing I don't know, something.

Other than that though it was very good. The elements are there for a decent story.

I also disagree wirth the previous poster about Michael, I think his joie de vivre and honesty boarding on vulgarity makes him an unusual but attractive proposition, particularly if he is handsome. I wouldn't worry about the audience response to him too much, as long as you give us more desire.

Cheers, Rick.

Your story was nice. I could feel the story unwinding. You got a great thing here. The dialoge of Mike was comedy the way he changed his tone (Acting like someone else) The whole wife to be to a billonaire goes back to ex- boyfriend trailer trash. Would make a great film.

On to the bad areas lol

You start the script out on the water good idea but we have a lkittle time to get to know these characters. We need to know a little bit more. Remember this when your characters come to life how do you want them to act? I want to know what they look like smell like ect... A little more detail. You have a begining a middle and an end. We know the story now fill in the blanks.

1) How did they get on the boat?
2)Why isn't she with her soon to be husband? (They are getting married right?)


Over all good script keep writting.
Dan

Antonio,
What is your Email address? I'm a director looking for a writer for my next film short.
imryankohler@netscape.net

Ryan,

Just a heads-up that I sent you an email.

Cheers,

Tony