Evidence by Rich Keel - Short, Thriller - Will holds all the evidence needed for the conviction one of the most vicious serial killers in years. Held in the wrong hands, there would be a series of dangerous events and the rise in the body count. 21 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey there,

Not a bad little story but you wrote it like a short story not a screen play.  You need to cut down your descriptive passages to only what can be seen on the screen. For instance:

Quoted Text Isabelle is the owner of the camera shop’s daughter whom Will started visiting a few months back while working on another shoot

and

Quoted Text Once he saw Isabelle he knew she would be his next model, if he could ever get her to go along with it.

Are unneeded, if we cannot see it... they are also a bit redundant since you have both explained in the dialogue.

You also need to remove phrases like "sensing this Will..." we don't see someone sense things.  Just have Will do whatever. It'll help make the story flow faster.

SPOILERS.

Anyway, outside of needing to learn to describe only what will appear on screen, the story line was fine.   The dialogue was a little corny in spots. Also very cliche.
  
And voice modulator thing didn't make sense to me.  He turn himself in? Or was he just calling the cops so that he could get some exercise? I figured Will was some type of killer early on... so the twist didn't do much for me.

I did like the fact you gave Will a proper motive and it did have a few moments of suspense. But overall, I didn't feel... satisfied with it.

Dethan