Guardian Angel by Richard D. Kinsella (decadencefilms@37.com) - Short - Life can be hard. It's good to know that someone is watching over you. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Huh, I don't get it. This doesn't feel complete. there was no conclusion. Also, after the Narrators first line you continue his speech with only the dialogue. You don't bother to put Narrator above the dialogue. Sorry, but I didn't like this one very much.

5 out of 10

Zack

I'm not sure what happened to the Narrator, I must admit. ;D

However there is a complete story there. Perhaps I've just failed to make it clear. I'll see what other people take from it.

To me it's obvious what is going on, but then I suppose it would be.


BTW This short and also Nick of Time are being produced for this competition:

http://www.depict.org.

Films have to be a max of 90 seconds long.

Zack picked up on the dailogue issue so i'll leave that alone.

Another interesting story here about abduction.  I like the build up and the fact that the drunken man has no idea he's just saved his girlfriend.

I understand this was written for a competition so you are unable to extend this which is a shame because you could really beef up the atmosphere here by prolonging the initial contact between the the narrator and the girl.

Anyway this was good.

I'm glad someone gets it. ;D

When you introduced the female as a sleeping girl, I imagined an eight or ten year old, and that the narrator was his father.  When the guy came in and climbed into bed with her, I was lost.

I understood the story and think that it would work better if it was longer.  Build a little more suspense and all that.


Phil

Very good point Phil.

I think this script suffers particularly from the fact that I'm the one filming it.

As an actual script to read it seems to be lacking detail at some points.

What would you add if it was any longer? Just out of curiosity.

Have the narrator include that he also watches her when she's awake.  You could also mention that how thte narrator feels about the husband.  After all (in the narrator's mind) he is the unworthy competition.  He's the reason why she and the narrator aren't together.


Phil

Quoted Text You could also mention that how thte narrator feels about the husband.  After all (in the narrator's mind) he is the unworthy competition.  He's the reason why she and the narrator aren't together.

I couldn't do that. The whole point of the twist is that you are supposed to think that the narrator is the lover. ;D

This script is obviously not working at all. :o

Oh! Now I understand it! I'm sorry I'm slow.  :PNow that i understand what is going on this is better, but I still prefer Nick of Time.

No problem Golem. ;D

Cheers for the review. I'm glad you like Nick of Time, it seems to have gone down rather better.

Hey Richard.  I'm kinda outta loss here, I didn't get it.  It did start off well, I was curious to see where this story was going to lead to, then it just ended.

My guess is that this is about a stalker, or maybe a collector, some guy who snatches women, like the guy in kiss the girls, in fact, this reminded me of the credit sequence of that film.

I did think it was well written, and had some good visuals, but at the end I was like "huh?"

Those are just my thoughts, I wish I knew more, but maybe I wasn't supposed to, but at least this kept me guessing to what it was about.

Well, I'm happy I'm not the only one who was confused. That means my brain is working after all!

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films I couldn't do that. The whole point of the twist is that you are supposed to think that the narrator is the lover. ;D This script is obviously not working at all. :o

It's working.  It's just not working the way you intended it.   :P

You can always just add to the narrator's monologue.  How long has he been doing it?  When did he first start?  Things like that that can build some suspense.


Phil  (too many smiley icons today)

I'll give a breakdown of what was supposed to come across, then maybe you good people can tell me what is missing.

The film opens with someone filming what seems to be his girlfriend.

Then someone else comes along. We're not sure who.

The filmmaker hides in the cupboard.

We realise that in fact the filmer is not the girl's lover he is just someone who has broken into her house to film her.

That was it.

Just supposed to be a creepy little film.

I thought it was an unusual little situation whereby the victim doesn't even know that it is happening and it leaves it open to the imagination what is going to happen in the future.

I'm confident that it will make a good film, hopefully it will be easier to follow visually.

I think it's a great idea.  There's so much going on in this simple tale.

By showing the narrator angry with the boyfriend, it makes him a thtreat and puts everyone in danger.


Phil

For a more creepy effect maybe you could have the dead boyfriend propped up in the closet, film running as he gets into bed and strokes her hair. She wakes screaming, then WHAM! she is his. The dead boyfriend falls out of the closet, dead.

Just a thought. My mind wandereth.

Spencer

This was OK for a middle.  But it feels like it is missing a beginning and an end.  

It has no beginning because we catch him already in the act. A few sentences of him preping.  Maybe a glimpse of a shrine of the girl. Something, even if it is only a montage of images to set it up.

It has no ending because there is no resolution. We know that he'll do this again and sometime in the future he'll get caught, but your not giving us the ending here. It leaves us unforfilled.

This is a creepy glimpse... with some slight tensions. It was well written, but it doesn't feel complete.

Dethan

I thought it worked, if that means anything.  That doesn't mean that it could be better.  The only flaw in it was that you didn't mention the girl's age, leading me (and, hopefully, others)  to think she was a child.


Phil

The script has been amended, successfully I think.

Filming finished on it today. I'll start editing it this weekend.

I would like to thank everyone for their contributions, it has definitely helped me to improve the script.

I've given it a stronger ending, though I've still shied away from anything overly dramatic. I wanted to keep the atmosphere that this could be happening to any one of us.

I've tried to bring that out in the filming. I'll try and find a way to show you all when it's completed, see what you think.

Cheers, Rick.