Expiration Date by Mike Shelton - Short - Matt's random hookup is about to make for a very interesting day. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Even though it was somewhat of a dark comedy, the jokes had a very broad appeal to them. The story actually had heart to it too, without hitting the reader over the head with it.
It was one of the few shorts I've read that actually tells a completely fleshed out story, with a good beginning, middle, and end in so few pages.
a couple of tiny suggestions,
pg 4) instead of having her repeat what Matt said "post op transexuals", I thought "i'm not a tranny" could have fit better.

the dialogue on the end of pg. 6 and 7 could've been tightened some. ex.
SELENA: Listen to me. today is your day and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm sorry..... could have been....SELENA "Listen. Today's your day. I'm sorry."

Same goes for Matt's following sentence, "why did you have to go through with all of that picking me up and sleeping with me business?"..."why go through with all of that picking me up and sleeping with me business?"
Overall I really liked it, good stuff!

This was interesting and well written, but a little bland. I didn't find it very funny though, sorry. Also, on page 4 Matt sits down, then on page 5 Selen tells him to "sit down" and Matt replies "I think I'll stand if you don't mind." this was only a minor error, but an annoying one none the less. maybe I'm just tired, but I have to say i really didn't enjoy this read. Nothing really jumped out at me. I will have forgotten it in a months time.

7 out of 10

Zack

Zack,

Yes, humor is quite open to interpretation, it's just a risk that's taken when you write it.  I'm fully aware that not everyone will find this funny.

The sit down line was a goof where I'm missing a description.  He was supposed to stand when he wonders why Selena knows his name, so yes it's a minor error, but annoying?  Maybe a little far-fetched.

Can I ask why you rated it a 7 when you didn't enjoy it?

I won't even get into your statement about forgetting it in a month's time.

Thanks for the read.

n7,

Thanks for checking it out.  I see what you're saying about some of the dialogue being possibly tightened up.  Sometimes people just word things differently, but I'll look into it if I ever decide to do anything else with it.  I wrote this mainly as a way to just keep working while procrastinating on a play.

I gave it a seven because it was well written and well paced. It was a decent read, but I was expecting it to have more impact.

More impact like what, like Selena sprouts horns and burns him to death?  I have no idea what you're saying, but I'd really like to know.

It's okay to leave feedback that elaborates on more than whether you just liked it or not.

I'm not sure what I was expecting when i went into this script, but I didn't get it. Hmm, I've come to the conclusion that I am very bad at writing reviews. My biggest problem with this script was the lack of excitement. Like I said earlier, maybe I'm jsut tired. Or stupid.

Hey Mike

I thought this was great, very funny.  The way Selena turns from powerful and mysterious to moody and appologetic when Dexter arrives was excellent.

Your dialogue was also very good, it kept me interested from start to finish.  The concept itself is maybe not the most original but the twist at the end came out of the blue.

Selena's character showed a lot in such a short time, like I mentioned earlier.  This was key for me in making this so entertaining.  Her change was very well done and very believable, if naughty angels are believable.

Good work.

Hmmmm.

An interesting read Mike. My thoughts:

1.An excellent opening. Had me hooked from the very start. It's the kind of thing I've seen before but it still felt fresh.

  One thing, for me it set up a thriller or a darkly themed film, not a comedy.

2. I didn't like the whole of page 3. It just didn't feel natural or comfortable to me and it also felt a bit cliche.

   It also changes the mood that you established in the opening scene and feels confusing in some way.

3. The middle part is too drawn out for me. We know why she is here, let's get to it.

    Having now seen the ending, I would also add that we don't get any sense that she likes this guy. It starts off with the twist that this beautiful girl likes this guy to a degree you wouldn't expect but then goes into the fact that she doesn't really like him and then at the end goes into the fact that yes, she does actually like him.
  
   Those movements spoil the plot. It should be consistent that she likes the guy.

   To get the conflict play around with the idea that she likes him TOO much Ie set up a fatal attraction kind of mood. He wants to leave, she won't let him, then she reveals he has to die.

4. Her explanations don't set the end up at all well because they give the game away. If she is trying to get a boyfriend she should be more flirty or more sympathetic to the guy.

5. The idea that she is trying to get young guys into heaven is a good one, although it begs the question why can't she have a live one? She seems able to visit whenever she wants.

Overall, it was a bit of a mixed bag. It had a good premise but I think the mood of the piece was fairly confused and It feels like a first draft.

Not bad though.

Cheers, Rick.

Alffy,

Thanks for the read.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.


Rick,

A few responses.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films 2. I didn't like the whole of page 3. It just didn't feel natural or comfortable to me and it also felt a bit cliche.

Makes sense.  I think I feel victim to my talky writing style there.

  

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films 3. The middle part is too drawn out for me. We know why she is here, let's get to it.

It might be a little, but I extended it a little in an effort to touch on some of the other things you mentioned below.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Having now seen the ending, I would also add that we don't get any sense that she likes this guy. It starts off with the twist that this beautiful girl likes this guy to a degree you wouldn't expect but then goes into the fact that she doesn't really like him and then at the end goes into the fact that yes, she does actually like him.

She does like him, but she tends to tread on light ground because she's not supposed to be what she's doing, which becomes more obvious when Dexter shows up, but in the buildup to the that, there's the little things like the mention of killing the one guy and how he ended up hating her, and then the little wink and "See you up there" before she does him in.
  
  

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films 4. Her explanations don't set the end up at all well because they give the game away. If she is trying to get a boyfriend she should be more flirty or more sympathetic to the guy.

The sympathy angle could be a nice touch when it gets down to it. The flirting was already in there at the beginning.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films 5. The idea that she is trying to get young guys into heaven is a good one, although it begs the question why can't she have a live one? She seems able to visit whenever she wants.

That comes back to her doing something that she's not supposed to be.  She's really just a messenger of death, and should be out collecting souls.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Overall, it was a bit of a mixed bag. It had a good premise but I think the mood of the piece was fairly confused and It feels like a first draft.

I can deal with that.  I wouldn't say that it's a first draft though.

Quoted Text I can deal with that.  I wouldn't say that it's a first draft though.

Sorry, that comes across as rather more insulting than I intended. I just meant it didn't feel quite solid enough as yet.

Rick.

Hey Mike.

Well this was a fun read.  First off this started off great, the coffee shop(I'm gonna sound like a total dingbat, but what in the hell is a barista, is that like a turistas, i have no clue since i never been in a coffee shop before)

I thought Selena's motivation was funny, her main purpose to find a beau....LOL, funny idea.

the dialogue was god, like usual for you, still not as strong as your earlier stuff, but still very funny.

I think Matt should have stayed dead at the end, that's the twisted immoral part of me, would have made the ending a little darker, I think it's always best to go all the way, but then again I'm can be an idiot so it might just be me.

In the end this was a quick fun read.

On first read, I really enjoyed it.  The concept reminded me a lot of other stories... which I liked.

On the critical side, some of the dialogue was goofy. Pg.3, definitely goes on that side, and it brings out the fact that if you were going to kill someone for a boyfriend... would it really be this guy? I guess she wanted someone noone would miss, but that could be made more clear.  

Also, she should really be trying to keep on his good side throughout the death process if she wants him in the romantic sense in the afterlife.  In fact, I think there could be a good deal more comedy in her attempting to make him want to die.  Him not wanting to go... already means her plan has failed. Then, if she succeeds in the seduction it'll be even funnier when the Drexel brings him back to life because he would have been happy to die.

I still like it.  The set-up and ending were both great.  The middle part could be strengthened and the seduction part could be funnier.  But it was still a good read.  Nice job.

Dethan

This was kind of what I expected from you Mike.  You seem to have a knack for working the humor into the overall fabric of your story without resorting to gags.

There were a few loose ends though.  *Spoiler*  Is Selena supposed to be the Grim Reaper?  Or is she just some wayward angel interfearing where she's not supposed to?  If so then what are the consequences for her actions?

This could have tied-up a little better at the end.  I think there also needs to be more at stake.  As it stands, I'm not sure either Selena or Matt have learned anything from the experience.   They're both in pretty much the same boat as when they started.

Nice segue from the coffee shop to the bedroom.  If only it were that simple.

Anyway, nice job.  As usual with you, the dialogue was the high point.

Thanks for the reads guys.

Jordan,

A barista is basically the "Starbucks" title for someone that works in the'r shop.  I believe the term applies to both male and female workers, since the only male sounding one that made sense was "barrister", but that's what they call lawyers in England I think.  I tend to use it when a scene is in a coffee shop (which happens a lot in my scripts) and the employee isn't a main character (which doesn't happen as much).

I think if I left Matt dead, it would change the entire context of the sotry, to where instead of being an actual messenger of death from above, she's just some sicko who sleeps with guys and smothers them to death or something.  He came back because it wasn't his time, and Dexter pointed that out.

There's something about my scripts and my dialogue lately where everything is just really subtle.  It's probably the subject matter I'm choosing, but with this and the one week challenge they were for the most part just normal people.  I'm actually outlining a short at the moment that I think is extremely ridiculous in concept, so hopefully I'll be able to make the dialogue more colorful because of it.

Dethan,

You're pretty much on the same page as Rick with not liking page three, but when the additional comments added to it are taken into consideration, I'm starting to wonder if this couldn't be a feature by developing Selena more and having her on this "hunt" before she even gets to Matt.  Could be worth a shot since I don't have any scripts with a true female lead.  Except for a partial horror script anyway.

MGJ,

Selena is a messenger of death, where as she's like a grim reaper but there are many more people like her.  There's a line of dialogue where she tells Matt that he should hear some of the stories the other messengers have, but I can see where the confusion is.

As far as learning anything from it, Selena definitely didn't since Dexter has to call her off of someone else out in the hallway.  Matt, yeah that's definitely unknown.  He's not sure what just happened to him but he knows he's got these red shoes in his room and it freaks him out a little.  Going back to the feature thing, I could extend it in a way to where Selena ends up coming back for Matt at a later point and spends the rest of the time trying to avoid her.  My only fear is in having it end like Splash that way.

Dialogue, Dialogue, Dialogue.   I think I'll just write plays full time from now on.  :)

Hey Mike,

SPOILERS!

I really enjoyed the tale. It reminded of greek plays for some odd reason. being that all the gods and goddesses were interested in this type of matter.  The tale of how the one guy died before he enjoyed the experience to the end was one of the many highlights i enjoyed. But you make heaven appear negatively on females. To contrast this, you should probably change the Dexter character to a elderly lady or a young lady (prob more interesting results with the young lady). Hope this helps.

Gabe

Yeah i read this.

As always it is was well written. I haven't seen you write anything bad yet. That's why I keep coming back for more.

Interesting how this plot unfolded, guy gets picked up by a hottie in a tight red dress. She's out to reap him- For a moment as I read that bit the delightful TV series "Dead Like Me' popped in my mind and I thought that TV show did everything possible and cool involving Grim Reapers, what could Mike do that I haven't seen before? Reapers? big deal, Mike's treading on well worn ground.

Low and behold you did do something that was unexpected and put a smile on my face when reveal the reapers true intentions.

And yes Mike, I really think you should just write stage plays full time. You where born to write stage plays. Why fight it?

Everyone of your scripts I have read have basically been people standing around talking. This is not very cinematic where cinema requires moving pcitures. The talking drives your story. And your dialouge is the strength of your style.

It is only my opinion but stage play just seems natural for you.  

Quoted from tonkatough And yes Mike, I really think you should just write stage plays full time. You where born to write stage plays. Why fight it? Everyone of your scripts I have read have basically been people standing around talking. This is not very cinematic where cinema requires moving pcitures. The talking drives your story. And your dialouge is the strength of your style. It is only my opinion but stage play just seems natural for you.

I can't say that I haven't given it quite a bit of thought since it was first brought up in another thread, and I did almost submit my play to a theatre company here in Chicago, but after further investigation it turned out that they weren't accepting musicals.

I haven't written anything new besides what I'm working on for the local theatre here, which will also be a musical as well based on the parameters, but I do have some ideas for straight plays that I may try to get together and put them out there in the not too distant future, hopefully.

I think the thing that keeps me forging ahead in screenwriting, besides my love of movies, are writers like Paddy Chayefsky and David Mamet.  Granted, Mamet is pretty successful in plays as well, but these are both accomplished screenwriters who thrive(d) on dialogue.

I find Woody Allen to use more dialogue in his films as well.

I was not very happy with thtis, Mike.  I thought that Matt's attitude about the whole matter was too laid back (laid back?).  He just accepted the fact that he banged thte angel of death and that was that.  The idea that the angel wanted an attractive boy-toy was good, but it wasn't enough for me.


Phil

Thanks for looking, Phil.

I'm sure you'll like something of mine someday.

I like the transition on page 3 where they fall into bed.
That was cool.

The twist was nice, and its like you were staying with what the viewer was thinking which is good.

!!SPOLIERS!!

I didn't like the end dialogue though.  The punchline and twist was enough.  But then you put in the line-"was that a dream?"  I mean do we really need to think of it as a dream?  Does this need to be a debate at the end?  The movie short should conclude.   Our belief was suspended, why must it be a dream now?  

Her in the hallway touching people, saying get your hand off of him.  That was a little too much.  I mean if she was so horny she could've touched everyone in the coffee shop trying to date them you know.  

I say end it everything on a good note.  So all in all, the short made me smile.

Hey Joe,

Thanks for the read.  I actually had to pop open the script after a moment to reacclimate myself to the "dream" dialogue.  In an earlier version he just woke up a little confused, found the shoe, and simply said "Whoa".

She could have flirted with someone else in the coffee shop, sure, but other than her and Matt the only other person there was the Barista.  I put the line in the hallway in for just a little more comedy and to emphasize how much of a nymph she actually is.

As long as it made you smile, I did my job.  Thanks again.

This was a really nice read, enjoyable...

The dialogue is so darn good that i loved it. The story was interesting.

Mike, did it come well the short, or it hasn't yet been produced, because i came to know about this script from another thread i was looking in. If done properly this could make a hell of a good film.

Hope it turns well.

Cheers

Hey Mister I-Have-An-IMDB-Profile-Show-Off :)

Seriously, Mike, very well written script here and nice visuals - especially Selena (what a fitting name for her by the way). But I do have some issues.

This story, when all the excess fat has been peeled off, is pretty much just a hitman script in sheep's clothing. I don't like those because they're so alike - and it doesn't help that there are hundreds of similar scripts floating around here on SS. The "I'm-so-übercool-and-I-know-everything-about-you-and-I'm-going-to-kill-you" kind of character has just been done to death. Reading this script, I was really hoping you wouldn't take that predictable route. Okay, turning Selena in to basically a spoiled brat in the end did save it somewhat. I actually though that was the most entertaining part of the script. I didn't see that - or Dexter - coming so that's definitely a plus in my book.

Overall I don't think the story packed a big enough punch. The second act (the crisis) did feel somewhat of a breeze-through, it never reached a pitch where I really felt caught up by the story. Another thing that puzzled me was that I couldn't tell whether this was supposed to be a comedy or a drama, it felt sort of ambivalent in that area. I think you should focus the piece more heavily on what genre you want this to fit into.

Anyway, good job on writing/format etc., but the story lacked a little oomph imo.

Cheers
Rob

PS: And this is just me being totally anal, but...

Quoted from Expiration Date Matt quickly closes his paper and tosses it to the floor.

...what kind of littering bastard is this Matt dude anyway? That fool better be happy I didn't run that Coffee shop, otherwise his ass would be totally dead. Put it on the table for Christ's sake!

Hey guys, thanks for reading.

Nik,

It has been produced, although I haven't had the opportunity see it yet.  I did receive word yesterday that a copy has been mailed out, so hopefully I'll get it early next week.  Based on the small parts I did see, it looks like it was done rather well.

Rob,

I can see where you're coming from with the hitman aspect, and it makes sense, but I do think the characters and situation are a little bit different than the clear cut hitman scripts floating around.  Also, the shooting script is quite a bit different than this one, with a few more characters and going a little deeper into Selena's "job".  The story is still pretty basic, but it punches it up a little I think.

I would call the script a comedy, but on the subtle side.  I had a little bit of streak there where I was writing things that were comedic on the surface, but not going all out in trying to be rip roaringly funny.  Weird, I know, but most of the scripts I wrote that way, I ended up happy with the end result.  I'll just have to see how this one translates to film.

Tossing the paper on the floor is just bad wording on my part.  I envisioned the table Matt was at to be rather small, and with Selena there it wouldn't make sense for him to put the paper down on top of it, basically covering it up and leaving no room for her cup.  "Tosses" should have been "sets it down on the floor next to him".

Thanks again to both of you.

Quoted from Shelton It has been produced, although I haven't had the opportunity see it yet.  I did receive word yesterday that a copy has been mailed out, so hopefully I'll get it early next week.

Whoa, I didn't know that - congrats, Mike.

Quoted from sniper Whoa, I didn't know that - congrats, Mike.

Thanks, Rob.  I'm assuming Nik stumbled upon the script via the "Movie Poster Thread" which has the poster (New title) and some footage from the DP's reel on it.

http://web.mac.com/gigimala/GIGI_WEB_SITE/REEL/Pages/Cessation.html

Ah yeah. I remember the Cessation poster, didn't know it was based on this script. Nice looking trailer too, although the humping scene looks weird.

Quoted from sniper ...although the humping scene looks weird.

HaHaHa...yeah.  I definitely agree with you there.

I saw this at the top of the board and the tagline sounded interesting enough so I figured I'd read and comment. Then I read through the comments and see it has already been produced.

Congratulations, and will the finished video be viewable online? I enjoyed the script, though I think a little more could've been done with the ending, and would love to see what changes went in to the final product.

Hey Bob,

Thanks for checking it out.  As far as it going online, I really have no idea.  I hope it would at some point, but it's really up to the director.

From a script standpoint, there wasn't a whole lot changed as far as the ending goes.  More was added into the middle.  I think, ultimately, my train of thought with the rewrite was geared toward expanding it into a feature at some point, and where it currently ends would be a good spot to do it.

Ah, I was going to say that the ending sort of left things hanging and didn't really tie anything up, but if you considered expanding it then that would make perfect sense.

I guess I'll have to keep checking back for news on how/if the director makes the video public. Congrats once again!

Hey Mike,

I read this. I wanted to see the kind of work that merited a Hollywood name starring in a short film. After reading this, I have to say, man you got lucky -- haha.

No, I’m just kidding.

I’m not sure what to think of this. I’ve read work from you that I thought was more dynamic and charismatic - and funnier. Selena’s character didn’t do much for me until near the end. Matt’s character didn’t seem to develop enough to generate any attachment to him until the end either. In fact, it was really just starting to get interesting at the end.

I think it would be more interesting to bring Dexter in earlier and let the three of them interact so we can have their characters develop a little prior to the end. Maybe Dexter can show up and revive Matt after the first time Selena kills him. Then they can all three bounce off each other. I think that would really spice it up. Just some thoughts.


Breanne


[EDIT -- Rereading my review, I hope it doesn’t come off as too negative. I did enjoy reading the story. :)]

Hey, Mike, this was a cool little script you had here. It sort of reminded me of Dead Like Me, except Selena was much nicer than the reapers in DLM.

I found some parts funny, but it was more of a nice, soft feeling rather than a dark comedy. And I liked the "Bang" part.

There's not much really to say except that I liked it...oh, and you planning on trying to get this one produced too? ;-) I saw that you got another script produced. :-)

Sean

Wow, another round of feedback.  Hope I'm not turning anyone of from reading my Soulshadows script when it goes up. :)

Quoted from Breanne Mattson I read this. I wanted to see the kind of work that merited a Hollywood name starring in a short film. After reading this, I have to say, man you got lucky -- haha.

Actually, that's pretty accurate.  The director goes to school with his son and had the connection, hence the supporting role.  That's about the gist of it.

Quoted from Breanne I’m not sure what to think of this. I’ve read work from you that I thought was more dynamic and charismatic - and funnier. Selena’s character didn’t do much for me until near the end. Matt’s character didn’t seem to develop enough to generate any attachment to him until the end either. In fact, it was really just starting to get interesting at the end.

I can definitely understand that.  This script was really one of those "Hey, I like that idea.  I think I'll write it." type scripts, and I just kind of went with it.  A little while later I had given some thought to expanding, but then someone expressed interest and I put that on the backburner.  I still might at some point, though, since I have a general idea of what I want to do with it already.

Quoted from Breanne I think it would be more interesting to bring Dexter in earlier and let the three of them interact so we can have their characters develop a little prior to the end. Maybe Dexter can show up and revive Matt after the first time Selena kills him. Then they can all three bounce off each other. I think that would really spice it up. Just some thoughts.

The rewrite has a little bit more of Dexter in it, but mostly a brief scene prior to him showing up.

Quoted from Zombie Sean Hey, Mike, this was a cool little script you had here. It sort of reminded me of Dead Like Me, except Selena was much nicer than the reapers in DLM.

I've gotten that a couple times now.  I've heard of the show, but haven't had the opportunity to check out any of it on dvd yet.  The rewrite goes a little more in depth about other messengers, some not as nice as Selena...haha.

Quoted from Zombie Sean I found some parts funny, but it was more of a nice, soft feeling rather than a dark comedy. And I liked the "Bang" part.

Yeah, it's pretty laid back.  I didn't go too over the top with much in this one.  The "bang" is better introduced with another character (Bertha) in my opinion.  She doesn't have the advantage of seducing guys, well, cause she's a great big fat person.  She simply passes them on the street, "bang" they drop like a stone, and she continues on her way.

Quoted from Zombie Sean There's not much really to say except that I liked it...oh, and you planning on trying to get this one produced too? I saw that you got another script produced.

This has been produced.  There's a poster for it in the "movie poster" thread under "Cessation".

"Mr. Gloom" or "Cupidity" should be the next one completed.

Quoted Text I've gotten that a couple times now.  I've heard of the show, but haven't had the opportunity to check out any of it on dvd yet.  The rewrite goes a little more in depth about other messengers, some not as nice as Selena...haha.

It's a great show. I really recommend you take a look at it. And yeh, I'd like to see some other messengers too. Will you include that in the rewrite? (Or a sequel perhaps? Ha ha)

Quoted Text The "bang" is better introduced with another character (Bertha) in my opinion.  She doesn't have the advantage of seducing guys, well, cause she's a great big fat person.  She simply passes them on the street, "bang" they drop like a stone, and she continues on her way.

That's a funny thing to imagine. Is it something you cut out of the script or you're adding into the script in the rewrite?

Sean

Quoted from Zombie Sean That's a funny thing to imagine. Is it something you cut out of the script or you're adding into the script in the rewrite?

It was added into the rewrite for the shooting script.

This is the actress that played her.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1679525

Hey Mike

Just read this, pretty funny story. I've just skimmed through the comments so I may repeat a few things.

Selena's character seems to make a pretty big shift at the end. She just seemed kinda uber-cool up til Dexter shows up and then she suddenly becomes stroppy and spoilt. Just seemed a bit jarring.

The whole idea is really good and I can see it playing out as a feature -- lots of different characters, with their own techniques of enjoying their job. Could be 'Animal House' in the afterlife haha.

I think all my other comments have been covered, but I liked this.

One little question that bugs me on a few scripts. Why do people write nods her head yes/nods her head no? Why not just write nods or shakes? lol random question but it puzzles me - is it just for clarity?

Looking forward to reading your soulshadows script too.

Ste

Quoted from stebrown Hey Mike One little question that bugs me on a few scripts. Why do people write nods her head yes/nods her head no? Why not just write nods or shakes? lol random question but it puzzles me - is it just for clarity? Ste

It's a bad habit that I'm trying to get out of, and the sooner the better.