Sacrificial Love by Graham Taylor (grazza2a) - Short - An impending apocalypse tests to the very limits the love of a mother for her daughter. Someone will make the ultimate sacrifice. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Well, that was depressing.

I think I need a pill.  Anyway, your format is a bit off.  No screen numbers in spec scripts and your descriptive blocks are a killer.  You don't need to describe everything like you do in a novel, just tell us the important things. Instead of "A dining table is laden with food. A last mean. Unfinished." Use  - "A dining table laden with food." No need for the repetition.  Most of your descriptions can be cut to 2-3 lines.  The entire script could probably be shortened to about 5 pages.

As for the story, err, hmm. Interesting.  I'm not sure I get it.  So they're taking pills instead of dying by some weird Apocalyptic fire? Is there an important difference?  Otherwise, I'd go by fire.

Dethan

Dethan, thanks for the feedback. I take your point. Sometimes less is more and thanks also for the heads up on scene numbers in spec scripts.

That is a first draft and on reflection the motivation for the actions of the mother probably isn't all that clear.

Food for thought and thanks again.

For your slug lines they should look like this.

INT. HOUSE - DAY

Once you have that established you can

INT. KITCHEN

I have a problem with scripts based on Western spiritual themes. It's not that I have a problem with the apocalypse, it's just so overdone. Just like concepts of the devil, messiahs, and all things therein.

You know what would have been a wicked unforseen twist that would have made this script sickeningly good? If Lynsey had promised Jessie that the fire wouldn't hurt her but became overcome by her fear and taken the pills herself.

Imagine the end where Jessie cries over her dead mom while the fire creeps slowly towards her and then FADE OUT. Too depraved? Good! You can offend and even outrage your audience, just don't bore them.

If you decided to go the aforementioned way then I think it would be good to do it from Jessie's POV.

I liked your descriptions but they just don't work in screenplays. Imagine yourself as Hemingway when you write a screenplay. Short, curt sentences.

Write an novel bud, I'd read it.

Hm. I enjoyed this. But, just like Dethan, I didn't see the motivation for taking the pills instead of dying by the fire. It seemed like with the fire, at least they had a chance to survive, but the pill was sure death. So, you might want to make her motivation for killing her only daughter a little clearer. But besides that, the story definitely kept me interested. The suspense of what was going on, what was up with her parents, and what she was going to do was more than enough to allow me to enjoy the whole script.

I guess you could cut down on the description and give her a little more background. Overall, good job. =P

electricsatori and SkyBlueHue many thanks for taking the time to read and comment, it really is appreciated.

Taking Jessie's POV is a really interesting concept, especially if the tables are turned and one I will seriously consider.

Again, thanks for the advice. This process continues to be a great learning curve.