Hunter by Toran - Short, Horror - A group of friends are captured by a killer. He releases them into the woods and hunts them down. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

   Hello, Toran.  I just wanted to say that I liked the storyline for this a lot, (I still think someone should remake 'The Running Man'), and it was very quick-paced, which is something that attracts me a lot to a script.

   Although, I think probably the biggest thing that took some of the interest out of the story for me was the dialogue. It sounded a bit too contrived to me.  Afterall, how many times have you really ever been riding around or on a road trip with your friends and after one of them drops the 'f' bomb, do you reply "Don't worry, we're only about a few hours from our destination"?

   The only other real problem that threw me off was: How did the Hunter, Deuce, know Ryan's name and label it on the skull?  I suppose he could've stolen his wallet and checked his ID.  Even still, although you made everybody's name clear to the reader, a person viewing the film wouldn't know what anybody's name was. Except for Mark, nobody else's name was mentioned throughout the script.

   Other than those couple things, I otherwise enjoyed it.  Although, with me, you could never go wrong with a fast-paced story.  Not that I don't enjoy slow-moving or slow-building stories, though.

   -Mark

Hey I just wanted to say that your story is pretty awesome, It definitely could make horror!  You should check out my series Uncaged, You might find it to your liking ;D

This was decent. It reminded me of Wolf Creek and Hostel, and other movies of that kind. It's not bad, though; just not that original. The dialogue was a little awkward at times, such as when Deuce first introduces himself to the three protagonists. Later on the script, when Ryan is the last one alive, you make a few errors. When he is in the car, you say it is night, but when you describe the area outside of the car, you say it is the day.

Other than those things, it was a quick, exciting, and enjoyable read. Are you planning on extending it?

I do't know, if there is a reason that I could. I probably would too :)

Hey, Toran.  When you posted on Farm, I noticed from your sig that a new draft of this was coming -- so I decided to give it a look when it popped up.

Here is some basic stuff that you need to know before embarking on a new project.

*  First off, what font is this?  Courier 12 point is all you should be using.  An easy fix, but also an important one.
*  Your first slug line is “Dirt Road”, but later you change it to “Street”.  Keep them consistent, or you risk confusing your reader.
*  Plenty of people will tell you that directions like POV and CLOSE UP are the domain of the director and have no place in a spec script.  I tend to think they are alright if used very (very!) sparingly, and only when nothing else will do.  But they are not vital as you have used them here, and I would suggest losing them.
*  Dialogue should not be in ALL CAPS.  An exclamation point makes it clear they are screaming!

As far as the story itself, your influences are pretty clear.  But for a story like this, you really need to bring something new to the table, and that can be a struggle in the genre you have chosen.

You start off fast -- lightning fast -- only giving your characters 2-3 lines of dialogue apiece before introducing your premise.  Who are these people?  I prefer stories that move fast, but you are moving a little too fast here, and we really need to have some sympathy for these people in a tale like this.  Stronger characters would help this story resonate a bit more.

You have all the pieces in place for a story of this sort, but you still need to make them your own.  You need to stretch yourself a bit, because most of the puzzle pieces you have chosen are familiar ones. Expand upon some of those ideas to keep them fresh.

You mention weapons, but give them only an axe.  Why not more?  You also mention traps, but again have only one.  Why not more traps, with an opportunity for your characters to survive -- at least for a while -- by their wits and determination?

Stronger characters is what you need, Toran.  Oddly, Deuce is the only one who really came through with a personality of his own.  You did well with him.  Take some of what you did for him and give it to the rest of these guys -- or to the characters in your future projects. And good luck with those.

Thanks for the reply bert. I'll probably make this into a somewhat of a feature length and try to add something new to this type of genre.

Hi Toran,

Just like Bert I immediately noticed the odd font. I'm guessing you're not using a screenwriting program because you also have on a few occasions e scene heading at the end of the page with the scene itself not starting until the following page.

You can cut all the CUT TO's.

I wish you had described the three friends better in the beginning with at least their ages. At first I thought perhaps they were a family driving along. The following dialogue made me think she was Mark's mom.

                                            AMANDA
                         Settle down Mark. Your going to ruin
                         our trip.


The story itself seemed like a lot of films I've seen before. It made me think of TCM and SAW. Saw, because they are trapped and then sort of given a chance to get away. Still, stories like this with people being hunted can still work. I believe everyone can identify with the fear of being a hunted prey.

Probably the weakest part of this script however is the dialogue. Sometimes it's just plain odd or weird. I think that Deuce rambles on too much in the beginning too. He basically tells us everything.

All in all this was okay, but I think it needs quite a bit of work. Like Bert said too, make us care more about the carachters, fix the dialogue and formatting.

Good Luck with it. :-)

Sorry but all around I found this to unoriginal and unfulfilling.  Easily it makes the reader think of TCM and Wolf Creek.  It never makes you think of Hunter.  The story, we've heard before, and the characters, well I don't care if they live or die.

Plus again, if you include it, make it payoff.  This goes double in a short.  There's weapons scattered all along yet we only find one.  We don't make it to the sheriff's office.  When it was mentioned I was thinking "is Duece the Sheriff", "is the Sheriff in on it", or "has the Sheriff already been killed or the office long since vacated."

And if I'm driving along the road and am approached by a couple covered in blood, sweat, and God knows what else, bearing a bloody axe to boot, I take them a little more seriously.

Thanks both Pia and Souter fell.

This was originally for a 11 paged short tops, so thats why it was so short. And Souter, you got me. What I had originally planned was to have Deuce as the Sheriff.

I liked it, for a short it was certainly fast paced and to the point - there was no messing around here.
I cant really add too much to what has already been said; I think the dialouge could do with some work and if you were to make this full length I think you would have to add a lot more development to the characters.
But, being only 10 pages long I can see you just wanted to put in as much action as possible.

A decent quick read but if you were to write this as a feature, I think you need to add a lot more depth.

All the best.

I got mixed reactions on this one. It was way too fast-paced for my liking. So much that not only the characters were flat, but the atmosphere was also nonexistant. I felt no sense of dread while reading.

It is very well-written, but it falls flat on his face due to the lack of character development and overly fast pace for a Horror script. It felt like a rush-job.

And the fact that the characters had no physical descriptions didn't help either. If they don't have unique personalities, then at least give 'em unique appearances. You gave us their last names (which weren't needed), so why not descriptions?

Several interesting plot points were never used (or simply underused), such as the sheriff's station, the scattered weapons, and the fact that Deuce collects their victims as furniture (kick-ass idea BTW).

Furthermore, the script falls into a hole of clichés. the scene with Mark(?) falling into that spiked hole trap reminded me of MoH's "Incident on and off a Mountain Road"; the scene were Deuce shoots the girl instantly reminded me of Wolf Creek, and the same goes for that random guy who got shot in the head.

I'm glad that you didn't include yet another cliché and used Deuce as the Sheriff like you said you were going to, because that would've really turned it into a stinker for me. I've had so many mean rednecks as cops in slasher flicks, I could vomit.

All in all, I personally thought this was mediocre. No depth, no interesting characters, some rather good but badly-handled ideas, and lacking in originality (I know slashers are never original, but damn--I wasn't expecting to actually go counting the scenes I had seen before in other movies).

There are scripts that work as shorts, but yours simply doesn't. As it is, this piece is a forgettable, rushed, and incomplete story. 3/10

I'm sorry for the negative review, but it is my opinion. Better luck next time.


--Julio

  

Hi, just had a read of the Hunter and wanted to offer a few thoughts.

Firstly it is a good idea, while not totally original it certainly has some legs and there is no doubt i could see the story transfered to the cinema and would probably make a half decent slasher movie.

But it does really need to be a feature length script for this story to work, it is just too short and everything happens so quickly. In order for this to be remotely interesting i need to care about the characters but reading it is never gave a stuff what happened to them so was fairly bored while reading it. It would be good to see some work done on fleshing out the characters and giving them back-story.

The key to this story would be what happens to them when they are running/hiding, what are they thinking? Throw some tension and drama into the mix. I guess for a feature you want want to add a couple more characters too, you need to have them split up and killed one by one over the course of the script. That would make this much more dramatic and interesting to read.

But the most important thing if you were to turn this into a feature is that someone needs to live and manage to escape. Somebody needs to have escaped to tell the story. And of course it sets you up nicely for a sequel and a big bucks franchise, now that Saw has jumped the shark there is room for another! ;-)

Anyway, not terribly positive i know but just being honest. Great idea and could be so much better if you could give the time to developing the characters. Hope thats fair?

Thanks Murphy

Quoted Text Incident on and off a Mountain Road

I've seen Wolfcreek, but I haven't seen this.

It's a Masters of Horror episode. It's basically one long chase scene with boobytraps and pieces of backstory during intercuts.

Hi Toran...

Thoughts.

1. In one of your first descriptions you can lose the word SUDDENLY.

2. You have two words placed together, no space.

3. There are no page numbers and on about page 4 you type THERE and it should be THEIR.

4. In this piece of dialogue, "Amanda looks back, Deuce's Hummer is getting closer and closer each second." you might tighten it up.  Lose one of the closers and the each second at the end.

Maybe like this: "Amanda steals a look behind her. The Hummer speeds closer. Fear paints her face."

The story seemed by unoriginal. Smacked of SAW and VACANCY. Still, for the most part a decent display of writing.

Tighten it up. Make it more original and turn it into a feature length and LIONSGATE might just buy this slasher film.

Spencer

I think Toran himself knows this is just a rough draft - the next one will be better and the one after that better still.

It's not a classic short, and its not brilliant. But keep plugging at it.

If you are going to make it a feature - I like the envirnment you have so many possiblilites so dont lose these - the woods, forests, mountains, canyons even. Anything.
Deuce is a charactet straight out of any horror flick you want to choose but you can make him anything you want. Maybe he is just one of a pact? Maybe there is a whole group out there that kill these stragglers?

I liked it, as I said, it was a ten page script and for that Im not asking for too much anyway.

Its not original but I think you have good intentions. I think you will deliver on the next draft.

All the best

"Hunter has no soul..."

That's you biggest problem here, Toran.

It seems like you watched Wolf-Creek and (with WC still in mind) you quickly through this together.

It's decently written... but I'd lose the camera angles. Also lose Deuce's POV shot.

The only thing I hated more than the characters was their dialogue. It was truly horrible! When the dude passing by said something like "And that's why you're carrying that axe?" I chuckled. It was terrible!

The characters had no depth. They were quite simply meat for the grinder.

Some decent gore. I enjoyed Marks death.

The end was bad. You can't just tell us that the skinned skull is Ryans. That wouldn't work on film. Just have it be his decapitated head.

Overall, I really didn't like it. I love horror. I even like cheesy horror. This just didn't have a soul, and that made it boring.

Better luck in the future.

~Zack~