Pearl Dive by Mark Lyons (rc1107) - Short, Dark Drama - Tenses rise for a woman returning home for the birth of her nephew, who is the result of a rape. 20 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey mark,

Very interesting script . Excellent story -- fantastic ending. My only problem was with some of the descriptives as noted below.

PAGE 1

As you probably know, with a spec script, you want to present a quick, easy read. With this in mind, you might consider avoiding unnecessary words --

"ELLIE CUNNINGHAM, in her early thirties..." Etc. Also, given that your slug line identifies the scene as taking place in a hallway, there's little reason to, again, in the action block, tells us that it's taking place in a hall. We already know.

"Soon" isn't necessary. If a word can be removed without loss of meaning, cut it.

Lots of adverbs -- briskly, soon, abruptly, instead, reluctantly, quickly, noticeably, sadly, slowly, lovingly, immediately, seductively, heavily, passionately, awkwardly, roughly, softly, finally, gently.

Below is a quote from http://www.aidtopia.com/fiction/regexp.html  

It explains the evils of adverbs better than I can, so...

"Adverbs, especially those ending in -ly, often weaken writing. Eliminate the adverb whenever possible. In many cases you should be able to find a more precise verb.

Example:

Suddenly, the thief came at me with the knife.
The thief charged at me with the knife.

I hope you agree the second sentence is better. I find that when I draft action scenes, I have a tendency to overuse adverbs like suddenly, quickly, and immediately.

Removing the adverbs speeds up the action. Short quick sentences and paragraphs are better at increasing the tension than these adverbs."

PAGE 2

"Ellie stares in nostalgia at her nephew." This line confused me. What does she hold a nostalgia for?

PAGE 3

"The two embrace each other." Just a another example of where a cut could be made.

PAGE 4

"Ellie begins to get noticeably upset now." There's no need to tell us that she's "noticeably" upset. If she's upset, but we didn't notice, it'd be irrelavant -- it couldn't be recorded.

"Jenna sadly nods her head and wipes away a slow tear." That Jenna wipes away a tear tells us that she's sad. That said, sadly is redundant. Also, head isn't necessary in that nods, by definition, means to "lower and raise the head quickly." Cut, cut, cut.

PAGE 5

NEXT NIGHT -- I've never seen this at the end of a slug line. I'm not sure it's appropriate. In fact, many of your slug lines seem off.

INT. HOSTESS STAND

Does the scene takes place inside the hostess stand? If not, you might just want to write INSIDE, meaning the restaurant.

PAGE 8

ELLIE goes nympho. This was a surprise. I hope there's a reason, a  payoff. (having read further -- Oh, there is, and it's a good one!)

PAGE 9

Ellie puts her head to the back of Vito's head and roughly forces him to kiss her." If her head is positioned behind his, how are the two, as you go on to say, able to "gnash their teeth a few times..."?


Seth

Hey Mark I'm not sure about it...I think wasn't necessary Ellie go to the toilet with Vito...unlees she wanted taste something diferent.

The flashs with the baby I think you have to open another scenes with him.

And finally the final scenes were a little compicate to understand...maybe because I was so excited with sex descriptions that I got lost.

all in all it was a good try anyway.

It's a good script. The only thing that stops it being great is the fact that the logic isn't tight enough.

SPOILERS.

There is no way Ellie would get away with just gunning him down in his apartment. She's been seen at the restaurant, she's left her DNA all over the flat and all over the potential victim.

It also borders on the unbelievable that she would be so intimate with such a guy, even knowing there is such a reason.

Realistically she could just gun him down in the street and people would assume it was a mugging.

Perhaps you could transplant the scene to a Public Park or something? You know she follos him from work and makes the meeting appear spontaneous. That would cover that polt-hole.

Rick.

This is a pretty good, straight forward revenge tale with a 'cringe' nice payoff.  

I think it would be more effective if you concealed Ellie's motivation until later on though.  Instead of opening, as you do, with the scene at the hospital - where we learn of her reasons for wanting to get back at this guy - perhaps you could use flashbacks to slowly reveal this to us as the story unfolds.  Then the surprise wouldn't just be on Vito but the audience as well.  Just a suggestion anyway.  

I might also make Ellie flirt a little with Vito at her table when they first meet.  She could at least give a hint of her intentions before she jumps him in the bathroom.  

Hope this helps.

Oh yeah... if anybody's written anything new in the past couple months, please post what I missed so I could go check it out.

Ouch! You cruel bastard!

I must say that this revenge tale was pretty well crafted. I’ve got no major complains here and I enjoyed it pretty much.

Just a couple of suggestions about minor details:

-I felt like this ended a fraction of a section too early. Vito going hard at the fake pussy was fine, but I think you should end with him screaming or with the look in his face in order to round up the whole point of Ellie’s plan.

-In the last pages of this tale you jump back and forth in time pretty much. For a brief moment I was confused but then I got what you were doing here. The way this was writen (with scene headings telling exactly what happens earlier and what happens later) really helped me.

But have something in mind: the audience just watches the movie, they can’t read the script (and its clarifications). What looks complicated on the page, usually is complicated plus one on screen. I wonder if the shuffled timeframe would be understandable on screen. Can’t tell for sure since I already read this and got it.
Just something to consider.

Just minor points as you can see. The important stuff works fine. Although -browsing through the previous comments- I must say that I liked Mike's suggestion about concealing the protagonists' motives for a while. Something to think about.

This was a good read. Good job, man.

Hey there, I owe you a review and since I've already reviewed the Glim Dropper script, I thought I'd read this one.

First of all, that ending.............wow.  I'd expect something like that to make me laugh out loud but I actually cringed.  Brilliant!

No major complaints on the story, it's a pretty straight forward revenge tale and I really enjoyed it.  There's just a bunch of minor things that you could improve upon it to make it seem more logical and better it:

-I don't like her saying "He's so fucking precious" about the baby.  It just doesn't sound right.  I have no problem with the word, it just doesn't sound right talking about a baby.

-Condom is spelt with an "o".  Wasn't sure if there were multiple spellings used by different countries but I thought I'd add it.

-Jenna doesn't seem to have an immediate reaction to Ellie asking about the father.  I also think that she gives in to telling her the little story too quickly.  It has to be a painful memory and it seems kinda rushed for pacing's sake.  I, for one, don't really think that works in emotional scenes like this one.  That's just me, though.

-Also, there's no mention of her going to the cops.  I know the revenge angle is a better story but I think she at least has to try and persuade Jenna to go to the cops.  And then what you can do is have Jenna not wanting to cooperate and Ellie realizing that she's gonna have to take it into her own hands.

-I think the more commonly used term is "squirt", not "spray".  They pretty much sound the same so it's just a matter of what sounds better in the dialogue.  I think "squirt" does.

-I don't know if this is a solidified rule but when a character is talking to someone on a phone, the character on the other end usually has a "(V.O.)" beside their name.  Nothing big but it will save space because there will be no need to write "(filtered)" underneath every time.

-I don't see a need for the flashes of the baby.  I think we already understand her motive at that point.  That is if it was meant to be flashed on-screen.  It's kind of written like it flashes in her head and we don't see it-- which is a no-no.

That's about it, I think.

So all in all, I really liked the story.  I don't think it needs any major rewrites, just go back and polish up a few things and it will be even better.  I'll review your other script when I find the time.

Hi Mark,

I wanted to read one of your stories as you gave me such a good and honest review of my script "Saving Amy Ryan", Thanks for your feedback and kind words, very much appreciated.

So onto Pearl Dive, first question - Why the name? Maybe it is a US thing but I don't quite get it (unless i am being really really thick?).

I really liked your story, I love revenge flicks and they are probably my favorite movie genre of all - if done right, however so many fail to deliver at the end which I think it very easy to do in this genre, the whole second act is usually building up to something incredible and as a consequence if the climax is not incredible it can be very disappointing.

I like the way you developed the story and built it well towards the climax, It was very well written and the dialogue seemed on the whole very realistic. But I was a bit disappointed in the end but only because you built it up so well. The tension you built was fantastic, the bathroom scene really does help to build that up and I really thought that the guy was going to suffer in a big way. It did leave me with some questions that i feel if addressed would make this script much stronger.

* How did she not know that her Sister was pregnant?, I found this very hard to believe and ore mystified as to why you felt it necessary to add this in? The story would not have suffered had she known about her sisters pregnancy and just turned up for the birth. If you were just using it as a way for the sister to admit she was raped then how about a much darker beginning but one that would work better and have her reject the baby once it is born, as soon as she see's his eyes or whatever she would break down and admit to her sister what happened. This would create a level of tension that could easily send the sister on her mission.

* Where did the gun come from? Is she the kind of person who carries a gun with her? If so then why did she not use it?  The ending was a let-down to me, She was loading a gun presumably to blow his dick off or something and instead decided to stick a paper clip in his sex toy? It just does not add-up to be honest and added some humor into a story that did not seem to need it. I would rather you had stuck to the ending it seemed to be building up to, although of course that does lead to many questions that have already been asked - how she ever thought she would get away with it. Maybe lose the gun completely and hint that she was there to humiliate him instead of blowing him away.

Anyway hope you don't mind my feedback, It was a great story and is definitely up with the best stories I have read on this site.

Thanks Murphy

      Hey Matias,

I was just sitting down to do the rewrite for this before I checked these posts again and I was thinking about adding a reaction to Vito's little surprise.  I tried to when I first wrote it, but everything I came up with made it seem a little too comical to me.  Don't get me wrong, everytime I read the ending, for some reason I still laugh heartily after my cringing's done.  (I also grab my crotch while cringing I've noticed, also.)

But, I think I came up with something that'll work as a reaction.  I still have some more to work on with the rest of the story, so I probably won't repost this for a few more weeks.

I'm also going to be tweaking with the time shuffling, too, hopefully to fix up some of the confusion the audience will see.  Of course, I'll probably have to use some photography and camera techniques, but I figured out a way to word it without telling the camera what to do.

Thank you very much for taking a look at this.  I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

      Hoody,

Done.  'He's so fucking precious' is gone.  Everytime I was reading that after I posted, the more it occured to me that line seems out of place.  I actually based Ellie on a really good friend of mine, and that's how she talks.  (That's why I'm really good friends with her.  I like girls who have dirty mouths.  You should hear her say cocksucker.  It's so damn sexy.)  For her to say that in that moment, though, is a real distraction.

And while we're talking about words, you're right, 'squirt' does sound better than 'spray', so that's being changed, too.  But, just for the record, they're both sexy, but I think a girl spraying is a lot sexier then a girl squirting.  Squirting is just a single stream or two, but I was with my friend (the one with the potty mouth) the first time she ejaculated, and she actually sprayed.  In one shot, she nailed not only me, who was directly in front of her, but also my dresser mirror and my Michael Madsen 'Reservoir Dogs' poster that was on the wall way to the right of us.

But squirt does sound sexier, though, so I'll go with that.  Plus, some people might take spraying as peeing on him, and I don't want to ruin the premise for my next screenplay*.

Thank you guys for your insights and kindness.

- Mark


* - Just kidding**.

** - For now.

Hey Murphy,

I'm referring to you seperately because I wanted to do a little bit more web-searching before answering your first question.  Unfortunately, for the tenth time, I still couldn't find the definition that I was taught of Pearl Diving.

Quoted from Murphy So onto Pearl Dive, first question - Why the name? Maybe it is a US thing but I don't quite get it (unless i am being really really thick?).

There is a definition of pearl diving I did find on the web, but it's not the same pearl diving that I was referring to.

The one I found is (I'll speak scientifically so hopefully nobody will be offended) when a guy ejaculates in a woman's mouth, and then they kiss, swapping the semen back and forth in their mouths.  I always referred to that as snowballing, but I'm sure there's other people who have other names for it.

That's not the definition I heard, though.

Are you ready?  Here it goes:

I had a friend who was telling me about some of his experiences in Iraq.

They came across a couple of young Iraquii men who had grotesquely told them about a common masturbation practice they had over there called 'pearl diving'.

They would take the wax from a candle and whittle it down to a very sharp point.  Once it was needle thin, they would stick the wax into the tip of their penis and slide it down.

(I'm wincing from just writing this.)

Apparently, this causes an incredible sensation and causes an intense orgasm and ejaculation.

My stomach's aching from just imagining this.

As for the legitamacy of the story, I don't know if it's an actual practice over there or not.  They might have just been messing with them.

As for if it actually causes orgasm and ejaculation, I, for one, will never find out for myself.

Anyway, thank you very much for reading this and I'm sorry I failed a little bit in the end.  You mentioned some very good points that kind of opened up the story for me.  I'll address them in a pm to you.

As for when you said why did she not use the gun when she had gone through all the trouble...  I could see how I didn't convey her reason for not shooting him enough.

Notice how she changes her mind after she finds her wedding ring and kisses it?  At that point, she realizes what she's doing and has a moment of clarity of the consequences.  She'll never be with her husband again and she'll never be able to hang out with her nephew.

I was hoping people would think it was a let down with no violence at the end.  But, then, I thought the people would be rewarded with a very sickening moment at the end.  At least to me, it's sickening.  Humorous, but sickening.

I got a lot of work to do in making that more clear also.

Hopefully, if you come across Meladori, which just got posted a few days ago, that one won't be a let down.

Thanks for everything Murphy, and I'll be in touch.

- Mark

Now I get you, the Pearl dive sounds disgusting - unfortunately I cannot test it out as we have no candles in our apartment for some reason. I will buy some later today ;-) Or maybe not.

I may owe you an apology because now you mention it i remember the ring bit but like an idiot never put as much significance into it - my bad and of course a sudden jolt of reality is a good way to pull yourself back from the edge of someplace dark.

You probably think I am full of BS but I swear its the truth i have actually had 'Meladori' here open on my desktop for the last hour ready for a read, Just gonna get to it it a moment.

Due to completely overdoing it over Christmas, last night was the first Friday night in a long time we have not been out on the raz, I tried to go to bed early and just could not sleep (my missus snores) so got up for a ciggie and a quick read and here I am it's 6.40am here in Aus and I am still not tired, I have managed to catch-up on some scripts though which is good - hence your one. But next week I don't care I am getting drunk! ;-)

Cheers Murphy

hey, this was the tightest script of yours i've read.  delivered a very nice end and everything was set-up.  the only thing, and i'm not even sure this is a problem,i might be just reaching, that i'm unsure of is it seems the conversation about the rape would have come up much earlier than the actual day of the delivery.  i'm not sure how i feel about the whole thing taking place in day or two, because so much happens.  i did enjoy it and breeze right through it, however.

Hey Kumar,

Thanks for taking a look at this one and I'm glad you liked it.

I breathed a sigh of relief when you said you breezed right through it.  I was kind of worried about the length.  This is a rewrite from the original version I posted, which was only 13 pages.  When I sat down to do the rewrite, I planned on trimming it down for a smoother read.  Which I did trim about three pages off, but somehow, along the way, another 8 pages got added just to push the build-up a little more.

Yeah, what you've pointed out is a real hang-up I had trying to figure out.  I tried stressing in the sisters' conversation that Ellie was just too busy with work and her life that she didn't get a chance to be there for Jenna, but you're right, they would've at least talked over the phone about Jenna's situation.  I thought about adding that phone scene, but figured there would just be too much time jumping from nine months ago until the present, especially with all the time jumping just going on in those two days.

But, I really wanted to add the scene where Jenna rejects her baby and then explains herself to her sister in person to see both their reactions together.

I'm also glad to see that you didn't seem confused by the time jumping in those two days, or between Ellie's plant and Vito's masturbation.  There were a few that had complained about that in the first post of this.

Anyhow, thanks again for taking a read and I actually did read Canyon Lake last night.  I was just going to take another browse through it and going to reply to it when I signed on.  (Sometimes, when I read something, I like to let it stew a little bit before I form any opinions or judgments about it.)

I'll see ya around.

- Mark

hey, i think what might work best is if you play around with time a little more.  not necessarily going back and forth to confuse us, but maybe show more scenes.  You can even show an earlier scene (maybe even a flashback) that takes place after the rape where ellie asks jenna 'who did this?' but jenna wont say who.  then, after the delivery, jenna finally confides.  that way, it would eliminate the problem of why it took so long for ellie to find out.  and i personally would prefer if you didn't add the phone cponversation.  one, for such heavy stuff, a phone call seems too impersonal (even if they are long distance, it doesn't register strongly on screen), and two, viewers know phone calls usually tend to be purely for expositionaly purposes, and are inherently uninteresting.  i know my suggestions makes you re-write a script which i've already described as 'tight', but they're just suggestions.  with a script like this, it's obviously tough to tell if audiences would forgive a minor hang-up like that or not until it's actually filmed (kind of like with pirates of the caribbean, will the audience care that the ghosts couldnt be killed?  clearly, they didn't)  

Hey Mark,

This review is going to seem super short after that monster review you gave my script...

I liked this alot, a good revenge story with a disgusting, painfully brutal ending.

I actually had to go back and read the ending 3 times... even now... HOLY SHIT! Dude, that's seriously fucked up. I cringed... I'm still cringing...

Technically, it was very well written. The format was bang on and the story was very well paced.

I wasn't confused by the flashbacks, I was able to follow it pretty easily.

Overall, great job. It takes balls to write a script this brutally detailed. I look forward to reading more from you.

~Zack~

Hey Zack,

Thanks for taking a look at this.

At first, when you said you had to go back and read the ending three times, I was thinking to myself 'Crap, the ending's too confusing.  Now I have to go back and mess with the flashbacks to make it understandable.'

I'm glad to see that you just went back to read it just because it was so brutal.  It kind of puts a warm feeling in my stomach.  :-)

I'm also glad to see that there wasn't anything wrong with the formatting.

Thanks for letting me know what you thought.  I'm glad that you liked it and I feel a lot better about sending this draft out now, although I know before-hand it won't be filmed the way I wrote it.  (The guy interested in it said he won't show the unit in the ending, but he'll do his best to get the idea across.)  I usually try not to get hung up on how gory or perverse a story is.  I figure it like this:  It's my job to tell the story.  It's the director's job to film it as an R-rating.

Thanks again, Zack.

- Mark

Yeah, I don't see how the whole end scene could be filmed with out acheiving snuff statis... Oh well, still a damn good script!

~Zack~

Well, this one is also a bit perverse, isn’t it?  Haha -- after Maledori, I have to wonder where it is you draw your inspiration from.  If a girl wrote the kind of stuff you do I might suggest therapy.

You do have some odd dialogue scattered around here and there.  The waiter thanking Ellie for choosing the restaurant -- and saying the entire name -- rings a little false.  And in the hospital, Mom mentions somebody named Andrea that never appears anywhere.

And you do the same thing that bugged me so much in Maledori, with those repetitive scenes that you use verbatim.  Once you have established the scene -- and cut away from it -- you should return right were you left off.  Maybe you’ve stopped doing that now, but I am hitting that note one more time just in case.  Not only is it unnecessary to repeat yourself like that, it comes off as a bit lazy.  I know that is not the case, I am just saying.

When Vito is talking to the manager, and we see them talking but do not hear what they are saying, you would say something like "Vito and the Manager talk MOS" to make it clear.  The story for MOS goes that some old German director used to tell people to film a scene like that "mit out sound".  In actuality, MOS probably stands for something much more mundane -- but I like that version -- and it is a real term you can use either way.

A revolver would have empty chambers, not empty brackets.  Seems like she would have had it loaded beforehand anyway.

You do a fair job at presenting Ellie as a conflicted character, unsure of herself and her methods, but the effect is lessened a bit by her earlier behavior in the bathroom of the restaurant.  She seems so very committed to her plan early on that her reversal later is less believable.  I think you could tone the bathroom scene down a bit, making her more of a tease than a complete slut, and she could still get a scumbag like Vito plenty worked up. Her change of heart later would make more sense that way.    

I do enjoy the dark edge you bring to your work, and I think you have a good handle on the NC-17 market.  You are not afraid to take chances, but it comes off as less exploitative that other works I have read around here that go for the same effect. It is a fine line that you seem to tread comfortably -- seemingly unaware of just how hard it is to do that.  Take that as praise, as it was intended that way.

And thanks for the plug on Brown’s thread, btw.  I was planning to read this anyway, but that inspired me to read this sooner rather than later.  Yes, God help me, I am that shallow.

Quoted from bert Well, this one is also a bit perverse, isn’t it?  Haha -- after Maledori, I have to wonder where it is you draw your inspiration from.

Lol.  Just to set the record straight.  I promise that not all of my scripts have somebody's private holes being penetrated.  'Pearl Dive' and 'Meladori' were actually written several months apart, so Meladori wasn't just anger that was left over after Pearl Dive.    The inspiration from 'Pearl Dive' actually stems from a masturbation technique used over in Iraq.  Yes, that's right.  It actually is a masturbation technique to stick something sharp, (they usually use candle wax whittled down to a fine point) down inside their shaft.  That thought absoluted revolsed me and I knew I had to work that into a story somehow...except without a happy ending.  As for if it works, like I told Murphy, I don't plan on ever finding out.

Quoted from bert You do have some odd dialogue scattered around here and there.  The waiter thanking Ellie for choosing the restaurant -- and saying the entire name -- rings a little false.

Lol.  Actually, that line came straight out of the TGIFriday server manual.  I used to serve there, damn, almost nine years ago now, and that's exactly what we had to say to our tables when we approached them.  I resorted to using that to show how Vito treats her like a regular customer at first, then, when she starts giving him the eye (I love it when I get the eye, :-)), he talks to her more confidently and intimately.  As for Andrea, she had a much bigger part in the short story I wrote first, but I decided to shove her out of the way for the script.  I don't know why I kept the line of her being in there.  I'll take her out completely.

Quoted from bert And you do the same thing that bugged me so much in Maledori, with those repetitive scenes that you use verbatim.

I did it on purpose just to tick you off and I'll keep on doing it just to tick you off until you start calling it 'Meladori', instead of Maledori.  :-)  On a serious note, though, in the first draft, I had the story open right away in the hospital, then to the restaurant, then to Vito's apartment.  In this draft, I wanted to maybe build a little bit of suspense as to why Ellie was going to the toilet with Vito, instead of coming straight out and saying what Vito did.  I guess I just like the thought of, if somebody read this again, or watched it again, they'd notice the little things that Ellie did in those deja vu scenes that they missed the first time, such as Ellie rubbernecking her head to see where Vito's section was.

It's not that I'm trying to defend myself.  I understand that technique might come off as awkward.  I just liked resorting to that technique because I enjoyed it in what few movies I've seen it used in.  And I guess I used it because I couldn't come up with a better way to portray Ellie's character arch, hoping that people would think she was a slut in the beginning, then they realize what she is doing may be just, then having her shine in the end by deciding in not going through with Vito's execution, but still getting her point in edgewise.  (Lol.  'Point in edgewise', I swear to God that was no pun intended.)

And I have read somewhere, a long time ago, about that 'mit of sound' thing.  I didn't either understand it at the time or just didn't pay any attention to what it was.  As soon as you mentioned the context of where to use it, I understand it now and it is a lot more effective than the way I have it now.  Thanks.  (And I still like that not capitalizing a character's dialogue when their voice is muffled.  I can't wait to use it.  I'm just biding my time until the perfect moment.)

Quoted from bert I do enjoy the dark edge you bring to your work... You are not afraid to take chances, but it comes off as less exploitative than other works that go for the same effect. It is a fine line that you seem to tread comfortably -- seemingly unaware of just how hard it is to do that.

I was hoping to hear that's how my darker stories come off.  I do understand that these past two stories you read are more vulgar for most people's tastes, and I do come dangerously close to overstepping the boundary of proper violence and just downright perverted, over-the-top exploitation, for lack of a better word.  I don't know if 'nihilistic' would fit.

I did do a lot of chopping at the end from the short story to the script.  The short story I wrote for myself and is horribly vivid and brutal.  However, although I feel it worked well in the short story, there's absolutely no way I felt it would ever work in the script.  For one, because yes, I feel it does cross the line.  But also, no matter how I tried to write it, it just came off as ridiculous, and pretty much downright humorous, yet cringe-inducing at the same time.  (Even Meladori was toned down at the end from what was originally in my mind.  Although, I might go back to the original ending when I get to that part rewriting the feature.)

It makes me feel good to hear that I've kept my balance on that line so far.  And, although I'm not going for the shock value, I'd be lying to say that I wasn't a little bit proud of the 'ouch, that hurt' reaction I've been getting from people's comments.  It's nice to see that after people have read script after scripts of violent, brutal acts, I seem to be catching people with their guard down.  I do have a children's animation in the works right now.  And, although it's still in its early stages, I can promise you can keep your guard down on that one.  :-)

Thanks for taking a look at this one and letting me know what you think.  Just when I was kind of happy with how this turned out, I have to go back and change the 'mit of sound' thing again.  And, I'm still thinking on how to improve without resorting to the deja vu scenes.  Hopefully, lightning'll strike.

- Mark

Mark,
        Just finished your script and I have to say it is one of the better scripts I have read on this site. Throughout, the story kept me intrested, and you added a touch of originality to a story that if written by someone else could have turned into a boring drama about a woman keeping a baby the result of rape.

Throughout most of the script the dialogue is fine and fluent. Your formatting is perfect, characterisation good. My only quarrels are with when you repeat these scenes to convey more information about what was happening. I liked the idea but just the fact I was having to read it all again numerous times was a little tedious.

However, I liked this script, it is the first I have read from you and you can count on me reading a lot more.

Hey Robert,

Quoted from RobertSpence My only quarrels are with when you repeat these scenes to convey more information about what was happening.

Whatever.  Why don't you and Bert just go get married already?  ;-)  Lol.  I'm just kidding.  I do understand what you are saying and I have to admit, it's not the best way to reveal Ellie's character arc.  I suppose I just like it so much because, seeing it  play out in my head, it only takes a couple seconds for her to take her ring off and check out where Vito's section is.  I never really thought about how it takes up 3/4's of a page and how tedious that would be to read all over again.  I really have to work on a better way to show what I want to without resorting to that method.

:-)  On a similar note:

Quoted from RobertSpence it is the first I have read from you and you can count on me reading a lot more.

I may have to apologize in advance if you come across 'Meladori', another short of mine.  Although it's my favorite that I've ever written, please forgive me as I use a little bit of the same technique.  Although written nowhere's near the same time I wrote 'Pearl Dive', it just seemed to fit for this story.  So I'm sorry in advance.  :-)  And I promise that'll be the last time I use it.

Are 'Platform 22' and 'Spilled Milk' the only stories you have posted on SS?  I could have sworn I had read something by you before, but I don't think I've read either of those.  I will check them out tomorrow night, though.

Thanks for taking a look at this and I'm really glad you enjoyed it.  It makes me smile to see it's one of the better ones you've read.

- Mark

P.S. - I like your avatar.

Hi Mark, thought I'd give one of your scripts a read after your comments and advise on mine.
The story flowed really well, which for the amount of time jumps is a big achievement. I take it this is the final draft? Would be interesting to be able to read the other draft(s) to see where the improvements were made. Just as someone starting out would find that helpful.
I loved the flashback to the start with a little more detail. Reminded me a little of 'Liar' with Tim Roth, just how that gradually shows what's going on with ever expanding flashbacks.
The ending is painful to read. I would have had the same problem trying to think of a way to describe how Vito reacts. Think the one sentance is perfect - leave it to the director and actor to work with.
Anyway, will look out for your other scripts and if your friend who the Ellie character is based on visits England anytime, tell her to try Newcastle ;o)

Ste

Hey Ste,

Thanks for checking this one out.

Quoted from stebrown I take it this is the final draft? Would be interesting to be able to read the other draft(s) to see where the improvements were made. Just as someone starting out would find that helpful.

Umm.  Hmm.  Not too sure if it's the final draft quite yet, as I feel there's still a few things that can be tightened up here and there, but I'm very happy with it for now.  I'm one of those people who feel that the writing process isn't over until the director says 'Cut' for the final time.

The very first draft was on an old computer that kind of went ka-put, but I do have a printout of the draft I submitted in June, (the one that people had first commented on).  I'll transcribe it onto my computer now and e-mail it to you so you can see the changes..  It's twelve pages, and I wanted to cut it down to ten or so pages, and I did cut out some things, but I somehow ended up adding another eight pages and it read a lot smoother for some strange reason.

Quoted from stebrown I loved the flashback to the start with a little more detail.

Lol.  I used this method in another story, also.  Both times it has gotten very mixed reactions.  People either love it or hate it.  I'm at a loss for what to do about it because, personally, I love it.  But I am trying to find a way to convey the same idea so that everybody likes it.

It's funny, I've never heard of the movie 'Liar' with Tim Roth before, until just a few days ago.  Lol.  Strange that you just mentioned it again.  I'm on the lookout for the movie because it does seem interesting.

Quoted from stebrown if your friend who the Ellie character is based on visits England anytime, tell her to try Newcastle ;o)

Lol.  Yet another coincidince.  I was just talking with Tricia (the squirting friend), and we are going to take a little trip this summer if I'm able to get a few legal things in order.  We're going to spend a little time in London, which I'm not too sure how close that is to Newcastle, and then I always wanted to visit Pompeii, so we're going to spend about a month there.

Anyway, thanks again for taking a look at this, Ste.

- Mark

pg. 2
Your server'll be right with
you.

I'm not sure if that is an Americanism (I'm English), but generally I'd use the term waiter or waitress.

ELLIE
Me? No. But you better make it
worth my wild so I come back
again.

Just a spelling mistake there. wild to while

pg.4
CUT TO BLACK:
ELLIE: (V.O.)
First of all, in my defence; I'm
not a brunette.

that was a nice line. that scene beforehand seems over the top, maybe gratuitous, unless you're going for that, especially the pre-cum ending.

pg7.

the conversation here works for the emotions you are trying to put across, but it just feels adn reads too unnatural. Try getting a female to read over that and make some suggestions on their actual speech patterns, because it feels a little forced.

pg9.

ELLIE
But they still didn't do
anything to him when you told
them you said 'no'?
JENNA
He said I instigated it. No
bruises or bleeding, no rape.
It's only my word against his.

That part, it's obvious what they are talking about, and I think it would add a bit of drama if you didn't have the character's use the word rape. I think the audience will still get it.

Was there a reason Ellie kept the baby? It seems a bit strange with all this contempt, or was it just because she wanted something good to come out of the situation? I'd try to hint towards this a little more possibly, or I guess you could leave it up to the audience.


----

Ok, so overall I liked it. Here are my major overall criticisms:

- The ending seemed comical too me, it was a change that wasn't really coming, and seemed out of place, almost like you were teasing with a seriousness that never came in the end. It's a twist ending, but I just think it seems far too funny as you are waiting for him to try it.

- The two flash back reveals are slightly annoying in a short script, because it's the same technique being used twice. I think for the first one, don't flash back, just try and reveal everything in that first shot. Obviously we as viewers won't realise why she's doing what she's doing, and if the director's good enough and you write it to be subtle enough the audience won't be trying to figure out what she's doing until you do the reveal a little later on. And with a short script, it should still be fresh in their memories.

- The dialogue after the birth seems a bit unnatural, but I already spoke about that.

Beyond that, I like it. It was one of those "Ohhhhh, that's what she's doing" feelings when you see the reveal, and it's easy to get into it. But you get into it because of the "thriller" aspect, and the seriousness of how it plays. So the way the comical ending comes about feels a bit cheap. (If I'm the only one that finds that funny - not haha laugh out loud funny but just not serious enough - then probably ignore that).


Hope this helps!

Hey Mark

I think this is the first of yours that I've read and I was impressed. The cringe ending worked very well. Goes to show that you can do a "gruesome" script but attach a real story to it. Just a couple of quipes, most have probably been covered.

Felt the two voice over lines were unnessecary. While I don't mind voice over, I think you have to commit or not at all. While it work initially when she says she's not a brunette, I'm reading it, waiting for more voice over that ain't coming. And it's not like you had her saying something we wouldn't have found out.

I would like to see a little more of a conflict in Ellie's behavior. A married woman confront her sister's rapist, I would think, would have at least a few more jitters. Maybe she almost over plays her hand and has to cover.

Not really a fan of the flashbacks, especially the first.

That's about it. I thought it was really good and I'll have to check out your other stuff sometime.

Good show

Tim

Hey Hass,

Thanks for checking this out lastnight.

Quoted from HassOE I'm not sure if that is an Americanism (I'm English), but generally I'd use the term waiter or waitress.

You sexist chauvenistic pigs!  This ain't the 1980's anymore!  You probably still call flight attendants stewardesses, huh?  :-)  Lol.  But yeah, the correct term and expressed very clearly in most restaurant manuals is to refer to both waiters and waitresses as servers, so you're not segregating the sexes.

Quoted from HassOE ...wild to while...

Actually, I've seen this go both ways several times and I was never sure which way was the proper way to say it.  I do like worth my while better, I just wasn't positive if it was correct or not, but I knew wild would definately get the point across.  Thanks.  Now I know.

Quoted from HassOE Try getting a female to read over that...

Lol.  I'd love to hear a woman's perspective on this, actually.  Trouble is, not too many hanging around that I see.  Hopefully one day, though, a woman will peruse through and be drawn in.  Half of the reason I labelled it as a 'drama', but it didn't work too well.

Quoted from HassOE Was there a reason Ellie kept the baby?

I know I didn't get into the controversial element too much, but it is kind of a high-tension issue about keeping fetus' or aborting them when the fetus is from a rape.  There are pro-lifers who feel the baby must be carried to term no matter what, despite the mother's situation.  I wanted to spend more time on the payback and revenge rather than the religious and political views of Jenna, so I opted to just show that Jenna was a pro-lifer.  Personally, I'm halfway between both sides.  I do feel the baby should be carried to full term and be put up for adoption if the mother doesn't want it, as there's a lot of sterile couples out there who would make great parents and are waiting for the opportunity, but I ultimately believe the decision should be left to the mother to decide.

Thanks for taking a look at this.  I was really hoping not to get a comical reaction.  At least I don't think.  But I have to admit, I smile and laugh, too, everytime I reread this.  But, at the same time, I think it's also a grotesque and rightous payback.  At least he won't be violating anybody anytime soon.  I'm not saying I agree with the 'eye for an eye' commandment, but in this case...

Thanks again and I do know I need a little work on the 'sisterly' dialogue you had pointed out.  I can see where some things ring false.

- Mark

Hey Tim,

I'm glad you were impressed and thank you for taking the time to read this.

First off, I have to ask, where did you get the name 'Souter Fell' from?  I like it.  It's kind of catchy.  It has a nice ring to it.

Quoted from Souter Fell Goes to show that you can do a "gruesome" script but attach a real story to it.

Whew!  Makes me feel good, warm and fuzzy on the inside to read that.

You know, I never realized how only having that one line of Voiceover would sound.  That's something I never thought of.  I just thought it would make a smooth transaction to explain the hospital scene was a flashback.  Although I like the ring to it, I guess it is kind of pointless.  Thanks for bringing that to my intention.

Quoted from Souter Fell Not really a fan of the flashbacks, especially the first.

Yeah.  I've gotten mixed reactions about using the flashback technique.  When I first posted this, I had the story going straight through, from the hospital scene, to the restaurant scene, to Vito's apartment and I kind of caught hell for not hiding Ellie's intentions until later in the script.  Hence, I came up with the flashback.  I'm still not sure which way I personally like better, so this is something I'll be focusing a lot on in the very near future.

Anyhow, I thank you again for your time and I'm especially glad to see that you liked it.  I'll be seeing you around.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 You sexist chauvenistic pigs!  This ain't the 1980's anymore!  You probably still call flight attendants stewardesses, huh?  :-)  Lol.  But yeah, the correct term and expressed very clearly in most restaurant manuals is to refer to both waiters and waitresses as servers, so you're not segregating the sexes.

Nothing to do with the script, but that just seems a bit ridiculous. If you were to refer to both men and women as waiters, or both as waitresses then maybe, but by giving each a name that's not sexist at all. Surely that's just the same as me calling a man a man and a woman a woman, it's not degrading in anyway, it's just saying what they are. A flight attendant would be a flight steward or stewardess, depending on the sex. Certainly not chauvinistic, as both are given acceptable terms of address.

Goddamn, Mark, this is definitely not for the squeamish. :)

This is really a great little revenge story, one that completely held my attention from start to finish. I thought the way you played this out was totally believable, even if it is quite hardcore. I think that what took this to the next level, the thing that made it stand out was the fact that Ellie doesn't go through with the killing - that is so much more believable than just turning the story into a big tale of torture porn (though there's certainly elements of both here - but you know what I mean). Ellie is about as cunning as they come, but she's also human and I think that her reason for wanting to kill Vito is as good as her reason for ultimately not killing him. I thought the flashbacks worked really well, especially with the way you started the story. I didn't have any trouble following the end - though, at first, I thought she only got Vito fired (which would have been a weak ending) but then you laid the Coup de grâce on him and that totally nailed it!

The writing was very provocative and I'll give you serious props for that. It was definitely an eye opener. Actually I can't think of another script I've read that have both that and an excellent story. But it also might just be the script's biggest downside, and by that I mean you'll probably have some trouble finding someone willing to produce it as is. But I liked it.

Two things bothered me about the script though:

- In the hospital, Ellie asked Jenna who had raped her. I found it a little hard to believe that she didn't ask before. I mean, why wait for 9 months?

- What exactly is it that stops Ellie from killing Vito? Since she kisses her wedding at that moment, I'm thinking it's either her love for her husband (the fear of losing him when she goes to prison). Or is it something else, something deeper?

- Why do Vito go into the bathroom to put on the condom? Why not just have Ellie put it on him? I know why you had to get Vito into the bathroom (to set up the ending of course) but it seems a little odd in any respect.

Okay, that was three things.

All in all, a very captivating script. Kudos.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from Sniper Goddamn, Mark, this is definitely not for the squeamish. This is really a great little revenge story

Whew.  I was happy when I saw that.  At least when I see stuff like that I know I'm not going to get bashed too bad.

Thanks for the good words.  I'm glad that you liked it so much.

Quoted from Sniper   The writing was very provocative and I'll give you serious props for that. It was definitely an eye opener. Actually I can't think of another script I've read that have both that and an excellent story.

Yeah, that definately makes me feel good.  I knew writing it that it was going to be edgy and most likely controversial, but I'm glad to see that people are also focusing on the story and, most of all, enjoying it and focusing on that it's a good story.

Quoted from Sniper   But it also might just be the script's biggest downside, and by that I mean you'll probably have some trouble finding someone willing to produce it as is.

Yeah, I doubt even that SWK chick would be willing to do anything with it.

This is actually a short story that I wrote, so I didn't have a film audience in mind.  But when I was turning it into a script, I did start thinking about if anybody would want to see this.  I think that yes, people would like seeing it.  Then I thought about if anybody would want to film this.  And I decided that no, nobody would want to film this.  So I didn't write the script version of this with any intention of it being filmed or trying to get it filmed.  Sometimes a story just screams to be told and I think that this was one of them, which is why I think I had as much fun with it as I did.

I can't wait to start film school, though.  I'd be daring enough to take it on.

Quoted from Sniper   In the hospital, Ellie asked Jenna who had raped her. I found it a little hard to believe that she didn't ask before. I mean, why wait for 9 months?

Cause Ellie was too busy with her work out of town, dipwad.  Don't f*ck with my flow.  :-)  Just kidding.  That was one of those things I had just never thought about.  I really liked the transition from Ellie asking what his name was back to her straining her neck to read his name off the server's floor plan at the hostess stand and I never thought about that little detail too much.  I guess maybe a cheap way around it would be to have Ellie ask "Just out of curiosity... What was his name again?"

Quoted from Sniper   What exactly is it that stops Ellie from killing Vito? Since she kisses her wedding at that moment, I'm thinking it's either her love for her husband (the fear of losing him when she goes to prison). Or is it something else, something deeper?

Yeah, it was her thinking about her husband and the consequences of what she was about to do.  At that point in an earlier draft, where she's looking at her ring, I have her flashing to her husband and then the time that she's going to miss with her brand new nephew.  The times around her family.  I opted to leave those images out because at the time, a lot of people seemed to be getting confused by them, so I was hoping that her poring over her ring might get the image across that she's smart enough to think about the consequences.

Quoted from Sniper   Why do Vito go into the bathroom to put on the condom? Why not just have Ellie put it on him?

Lol.  You're talking to a fish out of water, brother.  I've never used a condom before.  (The bitches I sleep with take it in the mouth or they don't get it at all.  Afterall, your mouth can't get pregnant.)  From what I've seen of guys, they seem a little shy and reluctant to buy condoms in a store, so I'm figuring if it's their first time with a girl, it'd be a personal thing to slide an uncomfortable piece of slimy rubber over their chub, something they'd like to do in private.  I'm probably totally wrong, but at least it's a problem I'll never have to deal with.  Any other ideas to get him into the bathroom suddenly without getting too far off the subject of the story?

Well, that was a fun little conversation we had.  Thanks again for taking a look at this and I'm really really glad you liked it.  'Captivating...'  I like that word.  Thanks for making me feel like I'm at least accomplishing something in my writing.

See ya around, Rob

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 The bitches I sleep with take it in the mouth or they don't get it at all.

Smartass :P

Quoted from Grandma Bear Character wise I didn't see anything that made me believe he was a rapist.

Though I'm no expert on the subject, Pia, but don't date-rapers come across exactly like that?

Holy crap!  Is that who I think it is?!  Pia!  I haven't seen you in forever!  (I know I've been away for a little while), but I thought you had left the site.  It's nice to see you again!

Okay, right off the bat...   The rapists name is Vito and he's Italian.  How can you not hate him just by that alone?  :-)

I have talked to a couple people who have been raped (my ex-wife included), so I agree that I am quick to side with the girl and against the guy.  That may be why I didn't really express Vito enough as a villain and Jenna not as sympathetic as I should have.  I guess I was just taking for granted that people would automatically view Vito as the villain that he is and side with the sister.

I do believe, however, that I was right to assume that.  I'm sure a lot of people who've read the script right away despised Vito.  I know a lot of people right away despised Ellie thinking that she was nothing but a slut in the opening scene, so I'm almost positive people were quick to see Vito as a brute.

But then again, I can see it going the other way, too.  I can clearly see how easy it is for a girl to scream 'rape' and the guy is automatically the bad guy.  I should think of something to try and balance the story out.

I was a little worried about how long it was, but I went a little LifeTime-y with the sisters' scene, so that added some pages to it.  I guess I'm a sucker for a little bit of a slow build-up.  I've noticed lately my shorts (most of them not posted yet) have been getting into the 20-30 page area.  Honestly, besides the sisters' scene, I was hoping this story would seem to race by.  I do have only a ten page draft of this I recently did for a director with a time restriction.  I'd like to post that once I see if it's going to be filmed or not, just to see if it gets a more smooth response.

Anyhow, sorry to leave so fast.  Thanks for the read, Pia, and I'll talk to you in a bit.

- Mark

Shouldn't really hijack a thread about your script but thought I would say Hi, glad to see you back around the place Mark. Hope everything is going well. Look forward to reading some new stuff.

The message was too big for one post, so...

Part I

It looks like you originally posted this one a while ago, but have since uploaded rewrites.  Assuming you are still interested in feedback on this one, here goes...

I found there to be a lot of story problems here.  Too many for me to really be able to go along for the ride.  Much of what bothered me were small details, but they added up to a large obstacle that prevented me from suspending my disbelief.

I’ll start with the big picture.  You’ve got a revenge story here.  When done right, these can be some of the most visceral and cathartic types of stories we can tell.  But there are several things that need to be in place for this to work as well as it could.  The first element is the crime – the thing that prompts the drive for revenge.  The crime here was not committed against the hero, Ellie, but against her sister.  It occurred long before the beginning of the story (9 months earlier to be exact).  All we have that this was, in fact, a crime is Jenna’s word.  This is good enough for Ellie, but I am always suspicious of the drunken date rape claim.  I’m sure it really happens more often than not, but there have been enough cases where the girl has lied to raise a nagging shadow of a doubt for me.  Further, Jenna didn’t suffer any lasting physical injury.  She has suffered psychological damage and lost her job, but aside from initially not being able to look at her baby at the birth, we don’t see any serious consequences from either of these demonstrated in the context of this story.  And the ultimate outcome from the crime?  A beautiful, healthy, baby boy.

Any one of these wouldn’t pose much of a problem.  But each one opens the distance between the crime and our outrage over that crime.  Rape is a horrible, painful, life-altering experience, but it is at such a distance from our hero, and therefore us, that it makes it difficult to feel it at a gut level.  I’m not at the edge of my seat, chomping at the bit for this bastard to pay.  See what you can do to make the offense worse, and bring Ellie (and us) closer to it.  For example, if Jenna were to die of complications during the birth, something like this would bring the injustice into more immediate focus and heighten the drama.

Once the course for revenge is set, we next go to the planning and pursuit phase.  Pursuit isn’t an issue here since she knows right where the target is, so this leaves the plan.  Ellie’s plan is to go get her father’s gun (I presume), put a handful of loose bullets in her purse, get a wig, go to the restaurant, hopefully be able to get a seat in Vito’s section, hopefully get a chance to get him alone in the men’s room so she can come on to him, depend on him to give up his job for sex with her, go back to his place, hope that he leaves her alone long enough so she can load the gun, drop her wig to the floor, then shoot Vito when he comes back, and walk away scott free.  So many issues.

What you are essentially telling us is that Ellie is an idiot, or so blinded with rage that she’s acting like an idiot.  The gun would be registered to her father.  If found it would lead straight back to her.  Why wouldn’t she load the gun before putting the plan in motion?  What if Vito’s section is full?  What if Vito never goes to the men’s room?  What if the men’s room isn’t empty?  What if Vito isn’t willing to give up his job for a one-nighter with a stranger?  What if the rapist doesn't put on the condom and just rapes her?  What if he doesn’t leave her alone to load the gun, or leave her alone long enough?  Why leave the wig as evidence (which will contain strands of her hair)?  Does she want to get caught for this?  Without the wig, and after a gunshot (or many gunshots), someone is bound to see her leaving the building – without a disguise.  This is an awful plan.  And honestly, Vito just doesn’t seem like that bad of a guy.  He may have taken advantage of Jenna at a drunken party (maybe he was even drunk, too), but does this punishment match the crime?  She doesn’t go through with it, so this does help us maintain some empathy for Ellie.  

But, if she had gone through with it, the police check on Vito, find that nine months ago there was a rape complaint against him, put two and two together, and Ellie’s in prison.  She is willing to give up her life, give up her husband, all for that sake of revenge on Vito the waiter?  Her motivation has to be much, much stronger for me to buy that she is willing to make this sacrifice.  Vito is no longer a threat.  Jenna is struggling, but she seems like she will be able to deal with it.  And nothing about Ellie indicates that she’s being driven to such extremes.

The final act of the revenge story – the revenge.  Trouble here, too, brotha.  She abandons her murder plan, and (by happenstance) sticks her finger on the sharpened paper clip.  Checks Vito’s toy box and just happens to find a pocket pussy.  She rigs the toy, leaves, and Vito pricks his prick.  She never knows if her booby trap worked.  He never knows why she did it.  He’s in some pain for a little while, and has lost his crummy job.  Just not very satisfying on any meaningful level.  If this was just a jokey, jilted lover revenge scheme this might work, but you’ve layered your story with some serious elements that don’t match with the final outcome.

Threaded through all this is the fundamental problem that your characters are being pushed around by the demands of your plot (not from a true character motivation).  You sacrifice a great deal of logic and credibility for things to work out exactly as they do.  Ellie has to play with the paper clip at the hospital, then put it into her purse.  Why does she do this?  This is just so odd and is only done to explain why she has a paperclip in her purse.  Why does Vito go to the bathroom to put on the condom?  Is he shy?  He doesn’t want the woman, who just said he could do anything he wants to her, to see his naked wee wee?  No, this is contrived so she can play with the gun and set her trap without him in the room.  Why does she ask if he has any toys?  How is this part of her original plan?  It’s not, it’s just a way to set up her backup plan, which she hasn’t formulated yet.

Why doesn’t she load the gun ahead of time?  So she can stick her finger and be reminded that the paper clip is in her purse, not because it makes sense.  And how does she know there’s going to be a fake vagina in the box?  There just has to be, otherwise the plot won’t work.  You see how all these plot requirements are forcing your characters to act in ways that simply aren’t logical?  The cumulative effect is that it becomes impossible to believe any of this could actually happen, which saps the energy and emotion right out of the whole story, leaving you to rely on the “cringe” factor to elicit a reaction from your audience.  You can easily do this in three pages, no back story required.

Okay, sorry if that all seemed harsh.  These kinds of stories can be very difficult in the details, but if you want to make this work, it can be done.  Like I said, if it’s just for the shock value, then don’t bother with all the extraneous stuff, just cut to the chase.  But, if you want this to connect with people on a primal level, it’ll take some serious, and considered, story construction and character building.

Part II

Format/Mechanical Notes:
General: You don’t need (cont.) when a character’s dialogue is broken by an action line.
General: You use “towards” way too much.  See where you can cut these, or mix it up some.
Pg. 1: You mention twice that her purse is “earth-toned” but I couldn’t detect the significance of this.  If it isn’t important, you should drop it.  If it is, you might want to make it clearer why this matters.
Pg. 2: I don’t think merlot or sauvignon should be capitalized.
Pg. 2: “worth my wild” should be “worth my while” (unless you meant for her to say it wrong).
Pg. 3: Is all the wine stuff necessary?  It doesn’t seem to be doing anything for the story.
Pg. 3: “large sip” is an awkward oxymoron.  To sip means to drink a small quantity.  Also, “lightly dabs” is redundant.  A dab is a light touch.
Pg. 3: When they go into the men’s room you need a scene change.
Pg. 4: The V.O. at the end of the page isn’t going to work.  Since you’ve cut to black it will seem that she’s saying this to Vito, we’ll have no way to tell this is directed at us, so it won’t make sense.
Pg. 5: “with every step” is unnecessary
Pg. 5: “sees her mother” should be “sees her MOTHER” (first appearance on screen)
Pg. 5: You need to adjust your timing.  If Jenna went into labor 30 minutes ago, she’s got many, many hours to go before she’s ready to deliver.  
Pg. 5: Who’s Angela, and why don’t we see her in the delivery room?  Why is she even mentioned?  And why isn’t Mom in there instead of this Angela person?
Pg. 6: Why more than one doctor?  Probably would only be one, unless there was some kind of serious complication.
Pg. 6: “A doctor pulls a small form from between Jenna’s spread legs and wraps it in a small blanket.”  This line is all kinds of awkward.  How about “newborn” instead of “small form”?  Is this doctor an octopus?  How does he hold the slippery infant AND wrap it in a blanket?  And do we need to be told it’s a SMALL blanket?  “With one final push Jenna delivers the baby.  The Doctor hands the screaming pink newborn off to the Nurse standing by with a receiving blanket.”
Do your research and get these little details right if you don’t want to alienate a female audience.
Pg. 6: The fact that you mention at the bottom of the page “little sister” alerted me to the fact that the viewers would still have no idea what the relationship between Ellie and Jenna is at this stage.  Are they friends, cousins, lesbian lovers?  See if you can sneak this detail in earlier.
Pg. 9: “dad” should be “Dad” (when being used in place of a proper name)
Pg. 10: Make sure we know Kyle is the baby’s name to avoid confusion at this point.
Pg. 11: “rubbernecks her head towards the hostess stand”  yikes!  “glances at the seating chart”
Pg. 12: “they gnash their teeth” doesn’t sound right at all.
Pg. 13: What does “almost brand new” mean, and how can we tell this, and is it important?
Pg. 14/15: A lot of location changes (bathroom, bedroom, living room, hallway) without slugs.
Pg. 16: Her dad would really have been proud of what she did?  Strange guy.

Again, sorry if this is overwhelming.  I think there is a spark of something good here, but you need to decide what direction you want to take this (if any).  It can be salvaged as a serious story, or trimmed back and made into a dark comedy.  I don’t know that you’ll find someone willing to film something this graphic, but that might not be your goal.  

Thanks for sharing your work, and keep writing!

Thank you Don for posting this final draft up for me.

Since I first posted this almost four years ago (wow.  that long ago.  really?), I've gone through three different computers and lost the flash drive I had the first draft stored on.  I wish I could go back and compare what the first and final draft looked like.

I don't think I've ever been able to say that before about a script of mine, that this IS the last time I will ever work on this story again.  But for this particular piece, this is how I want it to stand.

(That is, until somebody reads it now and comes up with a great and unique change that makes the story even better.  To them I'll say 'thank you' very politely while under my breath I'll be saying 'Asshole.  I was finished with this.  Thanks, prick.')

I hope everybody enjoys this one.

Hi Mark,

I'm going to read it later but have you read The Unconquered by Somerset Maugham? -it's a great short story, just great... Your logline reminded me of that short. It's not extremely short though, don't remember the exact page count. It's about Nazis and a french girl. Read it if you haven't!

I thought it's very good for a revenge story.
The only thing -  and she did all that for her sister...
But possible, you know. I wouldn't, but people are different.
One other thing - she will get away with it, right? Otherwise the wig tripped me, what if he phones police etc. On the other hand it's an embarrassing situation to have on file so - this might be your thought.

The last two pages were a slight bit confusing. I don't know how to "unconfuse" it though - I wouldn't suggest to make it linear because non-linear adds edge.

few minor notes (just what I picked up, these don;t stand on the way of reading for me at all):
p1 there's two instances of "table" in one paragraph and then the dialog have "table" again.
p2 "server'll" - a tongue twister for me.
p10 "work wouldn't get rid of him" - I understood it only later.
Somehow I didn't get that Jenny and him both work at Sully's at the very beginning.

That was a good revenge story. Thanks for sharing.

Hey Khamanna, how are you doing?

Lol.  It's funny you read this.  I actually downloaded 'The Homeschooled Boy' a couple days ago and finally got around to reading it this afternoon.  I haven't had a chance to reply to it yet because I had no internet connection where I was.  I'll leave it as soon as I finish here.

Thank you for taking a look at this for me.

Quoted from khamanna have you read The Unconquered by Somerset Maugham?

No, actually, I've never came across it.  You've piqued my interest in it, though, so I checked my library's website.  They didn't have it, but another branch did so they're going to send it over to the branch closer to me.  I should be reading it in a couple days.  (I'm always looking for something different to read.)  Thank you for referring that.

Quoted from khamanna The only thing -  and she did all that for her sister... But possible, you know. I wouldn't, but people are different.

Yeah, I know some of this pushes the logic a little bit, but I resigned myself to that and hopefully the story makes up for it.  I was hoping that the image of Ellie seeing her sister turn away and not even able to look at her baby would be the main catalyst as to why Ellie decides on punishing Vito.

Quoted from khamanna One other thing - she will get away with it, right? Otherwise the wig tripped me, what if he phones police etc.

Yeah, she'll get away with it because really, what can the police do?  She was invited into the apartment.  She had every right to be there.  Just like the police couldn't prove Vito raped her sister in the first place, they can't prove she was the one who put the paper clip in the 'you know what'.

Quoted from khamanna The last two pages were a slight bit confusing.

Sorry about that.  When I first wrote this, I was trying some things with timelines of stories and trying some non-linear experimentation.  I'm sorry if it was a little bit of a jumble to get through.  So far, I've had people tell me they understood exactly what was going on, then I've had people tell me they were confused, so I definately understand where you're coming from.


Thank you very much again for taking a look at this, Khamanna.  I'm glad you thought it was good.  I knew writing this that it was going to be a little offensive, but I'm glad to see that you looked through that and saw the story instead.  I appreciate that.

Now, I'm off to your 'Homeschooled Boy' thread to write down what I thought about it.

- Mark

Hey Mark,

Thought I'd give the new draft a read, having never read the previous incarnations.
I'm always up for a tale of revenge. Yum.
Heh, I'll try not to inspire you to want to rewrite something you want to put to bed.
Overall, I like the arc of your story, but the execution diminishes the effect.
This is similar to my issues with the end of "But You Can Learn to Play".
Ellie never reveals to Vito why, hence, he'll never know he's paying for his transgressions.
I understand she's protecting herself legally, but it's a disconnect for the reader.
The vengeance is not served point blank, almost in a cowardly fashion.
Ellie's a weaker character for making Vito suffer, but never telling him why.

You can tighten up this script and drop some pages from it.
There's some excess business not needed in most of the scenes.

An Oscar winning screenwriter said it best:
Get into a scene as late as you can and get out as soon as you can.
- William Goldman

Your structure and characters are pretty sound.
But not it's not firing on all cylinders and lacks tension.
It's like a bomb that never explodes, Vito is never confronted for his crimes.

Keep writing and rewriting! (but not this one :P)

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks, Don, for taking a look at this.

Aww.  I got excited.  I thought Don read one of my stories for me.  But, I'll take a read from you anytime, E.D.  Although, now thinking about it, whenever you change your avatar back, everybody reading this down the line is going to wonder why the hell post #46, is there.

Anyway, thanks for taking a gander at Pearl Dive.  It's on old story I wrote that I thought I'd give a technical clean up and post my updated e-mail, but the story's come a long way from what is was in the first draft.

Quoted from electric dreamer Ellie never reveals to Vito why, hence, he'll never know he's paying for his transgressions .... Vito is never confronted for his crimes

True, but also, what's really important in her eyes, was who knows how many more rapes she's prevented by what she's done.  This could be an Aesop's fable, with a very strong moral lesson:  Be careful what you stick your pee-pee into.  (I don't know how proud Aesop would be of that one.)  I think it's a great lesson in nowadays society.  :-)

Quoted from electric dreamer/ lacks tension

Hmm.  I'm going to have to go back and reread this one again.  From what I've got before from some other readers was that the tension was built up well.  I wonder if maybe when I was polishing, I accidently took out some things that I shouldn't've that got in the way of what was going on.

Anyway, thanks for taking a look at this and telling me your thoughts, Don... I mean, E.D.

Hope you have a good one.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 Aww.  I got excited.  I thought Don read one of my stories for me.  But, I'll take a read from you anytime, E.D.  Although, now thinking about it, whenever you change your avatar back, everybody reading this down the line is going to wonder why the hell post #46, is there.

D'oh! April fools. It wasn't my idea, I swear. ;)

Quoted from rc1107 True, but also, what's really important in her eyes, was who knows how many more rapes she's prevented by what she's done.  This could be an Aesop's fable, with a very strong moral lesson:  Be careful what you stick your pee-pee into.  (I don't know how proud Aesop would be of that one.)  I think it's a great lesson in nowadays society.  :-)

I see your point, I was just looking for more fireworks, I guess.
Just say no to unsanitary urethral sounding.  :X

E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer D'oh! April fools. It wasn't my idea, I swear. ;)

Lol.  I know.  I promised I would change my avatar lastnight and totally forgot about it when I logged off.