Small Dark Planets by Shannon Wells (msn) - Horror - A lonely rich kid draws the wrath of a dead girl that was murdered on his property. He dispatches her for a seconed time when the abuse becomes too much, only too be filled with a new void. His search for a new friend takes him to the darkest corners of the human psyche. 92 pages - fdr, format 8)

Brutal honesty would be much appriciated. Thanks guys.

You may want to submit it in another format. Perhaps PDF. A lot of people haven't got Final Draft.

SPOLIERS.

Initial Impressions.

The Name.

Not sure about it just yet. There is certainly something to it though it conjures images to me of old Sci-Horrors and strange mutant monsters. I'll see what the film is like before I make a definite commitment.

Quoted Text KENNEDY HALLOWAY(early 20?s) tramples through the woods wearing nothing but a pair of sneakers and the headphones of his MP3 player

He's naked?

Quoted Text Faces the body for hyper eternity and then, as if suddenly lost, sloshes slowly back over the hill.

Be careful with your descriptions. Less is more. Hyper eternity is a poor phrase and doesn't give us the right time frame. Sloshes negates the need for slowly.

There are bound to be more examples like this. Try and keep it as tight as possible.

Quoted Text The camera is ON. In its position he can see he can see the front of his DESK through its mini monitor. ACROSS THE ROOM

Bit of a chill went through me there. Good. One thing: I personally think her just sitting there would be scarier rather than banging about, but that's my opinion.

STRANGE LOGIC.

Why didn't he phone the police? I know he took the blindfold but still. Maybe if he was scared to tell but we didn't see that.

Quoted Text NAPOLEON(VO) You took the body too??!!

That made me laugh. Was that intentional? Anyway it's a good line.

Quoted Text Elasticize your logic for a moment.

That's not IMO. Although it may help to set up his peculiar character, we shall see.

P.7 Is Chloe actually there? I thought it was a ghost. I think that needs clarifying in some way.

Quoted Text SUPERIMPOSE: SQUARE DARK PLANETS

What an odd image. We'll see what that's all about I'm sure.

P.8 Your dialogue is good. You definitely have your own style.

I'll continue in another post.

P 10. Napolean seems to be taking things in his stride far too much. They're talking about tea. He'd be shitting himself if he thought it was real, talking about the money they could make from the film or telling Kennedy that he was making it up. IMO.

Yeah, that part about his dad (Is he the vagrant? Is Chloe the secretary?) is expositional and is just put there to fill in the story. Find another way to tell that, it gets in the way of the atmosphere and the immediate story.

P. 11 I don't like all this vomitting. Lose it the first time at least. Have him believe that it isn't real when he first sees it. "Good special effects man". That would setup his reaction here nicely when he pukes here as he realises it is real.

Quoted Text KENNEDY What the fuck was I supposed to do!? I was fucking naked. I was weaponless…

Why was he naked? ;D It seems very strange. Presumably then he's the killer and he's killed his dad and the secretary? Who knows...

Quoted Text NAPOLEON You know what…? (stands up) You can do this shit yourself.

As yet I'm not sure WHAT they are trying to do. Why haven't they called the police, They are getting themselves into serious trouble and for no explicit reason. You really need a reason IMO. Even if it's just because they want to put the film on the web.

Quoted Text Maggots already seethe in her hallow sockets.

Too early yet isn't it? Hasn't it only been a day? No apparently their gestation period is 8-20 hours. Orrible.

The dangling eyeballs is on the cusp of being amusing IMO. Maybe I'm sick. It just brings to mind those funny glasses.

Quoted Text Kennedy BURSTS from under the covers with a large BUTCHER KNIFE. He hacks at it, piercing through the digital display. He finally stops, realizing what he did. KENNEDY …Fuck!

I'm not buying that. If you build the suspense so we see him waiting with his knife and then he jumps at the first sound, then OK but at the moment it seems a little ridiculous.

Quoted Text He tosses the knife across the room.

He really wouldn't do that. Find some other way to get it away from him.

Quoted Text With a blood-curdling SHRIEK Chloe DRAGS herself out of the dark. Kennedy SCREAMS and RUNS.

That's a little bit scary. Nice.

P. 15

Very Grudgey. I personally found the vomit OTT. I'd prefer it if Chloe was trying to explain something. She seems a bit random to me at the mo.

P. 16-20

Good dialogue but a bit humdrum.

P.21 Came out of the blue. Quite a good scene  but your not building suspense effectively enough IMO. Kennedy doesn't seem on edge in the scenes when he's not facing Chloe. He is living the other side of his life too normally.

21-26

I'm not sure there is a big enough distinction between the characters in the script. They are all film buffs and all seem to share one World View, a world-view that is heavily influenced by horror films.

P.27

Quite an intersting scene. Reminiscent of Evil Dead 2 with the bone cracking form the Grudge.

For me Chloe seems too mindless. She's back from beyond the grave but seems to lack a strong enough incentive somehow. I can't quite put my finger on it. It feels like she should be looking for something more specific. I think the horror needs to be more psychological. At the moment it is too physical IMO.

P28. It's obvious that it's Kennedy so why the mask? To set up the fact that he's the VAGRANT?

At this point in the story, I'm enjoying the read but I'm not getting a sense of discovery. There aren't any intersting questions being asked like who is Chloe? Why has she come back? Events are unfolding but almost at random. There doesn't seem to be a consistent build up or progression of mystery or plot, just of gore and violence.

P. 29-31. A bit reminiscent of the Machinist though with added gore. Again the problem with character surfaces. Alex talks just like the rest of them.

Quoted Text Yeah? Well, some people maybe idiotic enough to commend you for reaching a new warped level of dedication.

That same kind of sarcastic, supercilious humour.

P.32

Quoted Text No, actually your right, I lied. He pretends to be a drug dealer, sets up a deal, half way through it he whips out this fucking glock and fake fucking police badge he bought on ebay, tells these poor fuckers that they can get low or take a ride downtown and then he takes everything.

That's a story in itself. I like that.

P.34  

Quoted Text who gives a rat’s ass which one. Ever see that movie ‘While you were sleeping’? Well, while he was sleeping both of his parents died in a freak car accident.

  See what i mean? Another movie buff. All your characters are, I dare say, just a little too much like their creator. ;)

Quoted Text POV KENNEDY - A machine operator is supposed to be weighing a gas tank but instead positions another LIMB LESS CORPSE on the scale. Kennedy REACTS. Walks a little faster. Another operator uses a PANAMETRIC to measure the pulse of a ROTTING TORSO. Kennedy’s pace quickens. TWO MUTILATED HALF BODIES travel on an automated tray up into a STORAGE RACK.

This bit is great.

I'd like to see more of Kennedy's reaction though. Have him getting distracted while he is talking. It's the same problem I've already mentioned. His character is inconsistent. He is calm and collected and then runs a bit and then he'll be talking as normal again in the next scene.

The DREAM SEQUENCE.

This for me has been the best part so far. It has the most complete atmosphere and a sense of mystery and dread. This kind of atmosphere should pervade the whole script.

I'm enjoying reading this script as I've said before, but I'm really lost as to where it's going.

P.43-46 Even the Mother is similar to your other characters, with the same curious worldly wisdom and sardonic wit.

  The whole film would work well as a dream. I'm sure that's kind of your intention. The way his sick fantasies have started to impinge on his real life. With the characters all being so similar it feels that they are all facets of his imagination. Like a lucid dream.

P.47.  

Quoted Text UNDER THE BED CHLOE lays there. Staring at him. Docile in her partial regeneration. Kennedy crawls under the bed with her. He SPOONS her. Speaks softly in her ear. KENNEDY (whispering) After you died, the second time, after I killed you, everything seemed to change. I didn't feel scared. It was this strange sort of calm. It was like...a lack of everything. A peace. It was so warm. Like when my parents loved each other. Before I was born. It only lasted a day or two but it made me feel like I could go on a little longer. I need that back. No matter what...I need that back... He closes his eyes. Not to sleep, but to get a peek at the darker road ahead.

Brilliant image. Love it.

P.49-59

I think it's kind of tailed off here. I've mentioned it before but the suspense and drive seems to be lacking.

Quoted Text KENNEDY I thought your self esteem was dead? Let me guess. They never found the body?

That's a great line though.

Quoted Text AMBER Whatever. I just have to find your fetish. Your catalyst. Your small dark planet.

OK. Now we know what the titles about. It works. This scene IMO should be right at the start of the film. It gives us the kniowledge we need to make sense of everything that's going on.

Quoted Text KENNEDY Understand what? REESE You murdering that loser at the movie theater.

Nicely done.

59-The End.

Holy Shit that was a trip. Someone's been reading a bit too much Bret Easton Ellis.

You've got something here. I don't know what exactly but you've got something. It wears its influences on its sleeve at times but it certainly has its own style.

It was almost sexual in a way.   :B

I'd personally suggest you find a stronger thread, some kind of spine to link the madness together but golly gosh. What a ride.

Who are you and what's your story?

Thank you decadence. I found your commentary priceless. I think your notes will inspire a very strong second draft. As for your inqiries; lets take it from the top. Most of the ill choices I made are from me just plain trying too hard. Listening to my horror taste buds instead of what flimsy logic that even a horror movie should abide by.

1. He is naked. I made a short note in the intro of my outline where kennedy is in class and a professor suggests that whatever task he undertakes he should strip himself and become one with his tool. Now with that section omitted I realized that the nudity would make zero sense but I remeber Kubrick saying that the first shot of the film should be the most interesting thing that the audience has seen since they sat down. Of course he didnt have to worry about his movie coming on after a f*****g Transformers trailer.

2. About Chloe banging around in the room. Did you prefer that to your 'sitting' suggestion once you found out she was faking?

3. Phone the police about the murder, or the dead girl in his room? He didnt phone the cops in the first place partly because of the blindfold. He says he was naked and weaponless but even he dosent belive that. Besides me wanting twist horror with as much strange lust as I could muster, this is one of the few scripts I have written that was borne out of a real genuine question that I had. You might remember when California made its good samaritan law after that guy knew his best friend was raping(and eventually killed) a little girl in the bathroom of a casino. The guy just walked and they legally couldnt pin anything on him, he was basically just americas biggest asshole at the time. But I kept wondering what kind of nightmares he was having, or...if the punishment was even worse.

4. That was intentional. Glad you liked it. (RE: You took the body too!!??)

5. If the truth is stretched is it still true? Or am I confusing truth and logic? Anyway that dialogue didnt end up setting up the character very well, did it?

6. This is where I think I'll cear up a big chunck for you, decadence. She is moving dead flesh. No ghost. See, your right, ghosts always seem to have agendas. Always back to clear something up. There's righting a wrong...and then there's revenge. That's what the body remembers. Thats what the body wants. This is mostly about flesh, and thats why its also mostly about sex. I guess that would classify her as a zombie, right. Well I'm not exactly comfortable with that but it is what it is. She's back to enforce the good samaritan law and I'm surprised you havent mentioned the rapes. That being said, she has exhibited a slight mastery over certian objects instramental in her plight, the ropes, the camera, ect.

7. Thanks for the kudos on the dialogue. As you can see I'm rather streaky in that respect.

I'll reply to your seconed post in a bit. Thanks again. MsN.

Alright, phase two.

1. To be quite honest I am considering getting rid of the Napoleon character all together. The more I think about it the more he seems to be in the way. Not justifying his existence it would seem. As for his mood in the tea scene I tried to create the sense that the conversation is weak. It is b.s. And they both know it. He was humoring his lonely friend. But seeing ended up being beliving.

2. re: pg 11, good point.

3. re: "you can do this s*** yourself". This was in reference to Napoleon returning the blindfold to the corpse. As far as the two are concerned they already are implicated. I should clarify that assuming Napoleon survives the second draft.

4. About the maggots, the body has been exposed overnight. I didnt think it was too much of a stretch.

5. I have more of a problem with the repeated hacking at the phone.

6. You know why I like the vomit(Chloe's)? Because she was trying to explain something. Something happened...and she's rubbing his face in it. HI FIVE!

7. You're right about Kennedy's fear not being consistant. Its that 'I have to ignore it or it will eat me alive' front when danger isnt imminent. But once again its my presentation that is at fault.

8. re: pg 26. The Mask? My fault. I meant to be more specific with that. Like a big furry bunny mask with two foot ears. And for the same reason I wear sunglasses at night. So I dont really have to look any one in the eye.

9. You're right. A stronger thread is very needed. How ever, and this may sound just...off, but I watched La Dolce Vita like a million times while I was writing this. In that movie theres really nothing resembling a plot line. The lead just floats through the three hours as if being followed, as if it was random and didnt make sense, like real life. But this isnt Europe and Iam NOT Fellini. However I was attracted to the idea of this kids issues tripping him into the middle of other peoples Small Dark Planets.

10. I have been reading alot of Ellis. (all of Ellis in fact) But I dont remember mentioning that here...so...you must be one of the few people who stumbled upon my unfinished myspace page. No?

As for who I am, Im just a guy trying to get better at this before I die. Thats why I deeply appriciate your input.

by the way D, I cant help but feel like I got lazy on the finale: your thoughts?

I'll reply in full soon but just wanted to comment on this:

Quoted Text I have been reading alot of Ellis. (all of Ellis in fact) But I dont remember mentioning that here...so...you must be one of the few people who stumbled upon my unfinished myspace page. No?

I picked up the influence in your writing. I'm not a Myspace stalker. Honestly. :K)

The script was reminiscent of American Psycho with it's breakdown of reality. It had a similar psychology. For instance the coffee shop scene when Kennedy is reading the book. It reminded me of when Patrick Bateman was writing Meat and Bones as the crossword answers,

Sounds intriguing, I would like to read it but do not have Final Draft or whatever you submitted it in.

Electric,
I transfered from final draft to PDF but it seems it was some strange breed of Final Draft PDF. Decadence pointed this out and I'm trying to post an additional format. I'd love more feedback. As you can see its already been do helpful. MsN.

I mean 'so' helpful. Damn.

Small Dark Planets

I find that the better scripts leave a question of sorts by scenes end. When Kennedy took footage of the girl and the vagrant, the question was, I felt, what was on the video that he couldn’t see with the naked eye. So you can imagine the screeching halt I felt when the scene cuts to him about to sleep.

Granted the tension does pickup right away when the victim “Chloe” arrives in his room. What I don’t get though is how Kennedy finds this experience worth phoning a friend, yet he doesn’t phone, his friend Napoleon after the circumstances in the woods. I though he would of at least phoned his friend after witnessing the murder, and than phone him again after the visit from Chloe, justifying Napoleons suspicion of Kennedy’s hysteria. Followed by a scene of the two looking over the video for proof and evidence. .

A page is equivalent to a minute on screen, so I’ve been told. I would liked to see in that bathroom scene in the dark that we got a better feel of the dark with sounds to allow the mind to wonder. There wasn’t much action, just a description, something along the lines of “dark forever’. To no surprise of mine with this displayed early in the script, the script was laid on thick with a novelist written prose with a lot of telling and getting in the characters head in the descriptive narrative.

OK. We know that no matter how organic a character and plot might appear it’s all created to get the story moving in a specific way. With that fact, I must say that I didn’t like when Kennedy and Napoleon talked about motive, “Why take the blindfold”. You’re just shedding one of those huge prison spotlights on a problem that you don’t have a reason. If you had left it alone maybe it would been overlooked or better come with a legit reason why he’d take it, why he didn’t take a look at the video, why he couldn’t call the cops… even if the reasons seem recycled its better than letting it dangle…

As far as plot, I felt we were all over the place with having a ghost stalk Kennedy and kind of on his side by killing for him yet still frightening enough he runs from her, the cult sobriety, and Reese working with that hooded figure, than the dad coming in at the end out of left field to be a serial killer, it was really unfocused for the most part I think cause Kennedy didn’t have a goal or desire line, he wondered, and just so happened to wondered into danger cause the story called for it. The there’s too many opponents with very little connection to one another.

And I like the idea that the ghost stalking him was the one his father killed. That its what happened right just to make sure I didn’t miss that cause it was hard with so much that was unnecessary to differentiate with what was the real story. I don’t think the whole Reese angle should have been in there. I also like this revelation that Kennedy is supposedly a killer like his father is that correct? I think you should focus on that, deaths, missing people. By the end of the story Kennedy finds out he’s killed and his father is the murder, the middle of the story though is the ghost of the girl killed by the father whilst haunting Kennedy with horrid images of the missing and dead people she’s leading him to the revelation that it was he that killed them and his father that killed her.
I don’t think you have to get rid of the party scene just its purpose should change, maybe Amber ends up dead, and that’s one of the characters people Kennedy kills and will realize he did so from the ghost. Cause I really like the Small Dark Planet thing she’s says, I like it as the title and the theme of it, so I wouldn’t want to see that or Amber go. Though I think you should stop here dialogue after she says… “I just have to find your fetish. Your catalyst. Your small dark planet” cause by comparison with what’s in the sentence people will know subconsciously or consciously what a Small Dark Planet is. Don’t dwell on it; believe you audience is smart enough to figure it out. Subtext is a high quality technique and calls for audience participation.

I think closing that gap between Kennedy being a murder and his real opponent (whomever it maybe, the father I think) will help the story.

I believe the task of finishing any script is monumental step, truly. So all in all good job.

BLB

Thank you so much for reading it. I was a jumping beab writing this thing. Its so obvious where and when the focused was lost. I am working on the new draft and will take your words into consideration. heavily.

BLB,
Thanks so much for reading my script. I intend to return the favor asap. The issues you pointed out are all symptoms of this affliction I currently have called...not having an air tight plot. HA HA. As I mentioned to decadence I was doing my rendition of La Dolce Vita, except we'll call it floating through a nightmare. Its seems I got caught up in the careless free flow haze just like my character and things stopped making sense very early and the work suffered.

Another thing you're right about is the complexity of subtext. If the tracks aren't laid well enough it just becomes an inside joke. One of those works and one of them doesnt. Thanks again.