Ninja by Matt Newton (masaro) - Action - This is a fictional story about the real life ninja who resided in Japan during the 1600’s.  The ninja were the spies and assassins during this period, offering their various services to the highest paying samurai lords, who constantly fought amongst one another for power and supremacy.  The film depicts the extraordinary techniques, tactics and fighting skills used by the ninja of this time, in order for them to affect their aims. 126 pages - doc, format 8)

Ninja Vengeance by Matt Newton (masaro) - Action - Part two of the trilogy - doc, format 8)

Ninja Vendetta by Matt Newton (masaro) - Action - Part three of the trilogy - doc, format 8)

I am keen to receive some feedback so If anyone is interested in reading my scripts and leaving me some comments, I will gladly return the favour.  Please note that they are all first drafts.

Matt.

I'll briefly go over the first few pages, it should help to give you some ideas.

LOGLINE:

It doesn't mention the actual story, it reads like a potted history of the Ninja.

The logline is your pitch and should tell the producer four things:

Genre, budget, audience and appeal.

Genre=can it be sold?  Check.

Budget=Can it be made? Can't tell.

Audience=Who is it aimed at/who will watch it ie demographics Check. Males 16-35.

Appeal=What in the film appeals to that core demographic? You've not put in the appeal. Is it a martial arts film, a romance? etc

You need to put more in about the scale of the film. It could be a film about a single ninja attacking a castle which would mean that despite the period setting, it could be a relatively low budget. Conversely it could be on the scale of the Last Samurai. OK, it's an epic story, so get that point across in your logline.

People have a general idea of what a ninja is, so tell us the exciting things. Who is the main star, what is his mission, who he has to fight.

P.1.  

Quoted Text INT. SMALL ROOM.  ODA?S CASTLE ? NIGHT

The audience only knows what we are shown on the screen. Remember SHOW NOT TELL. All we would know is that three samurais are sat in a small room. We wouldn't even know they were in a castle.

You would either have to start with an EXT. of the castle to establish the scene or have a SUPER on the screen ie a Subtitle reading Oda's Castle 1603 or whatever.

If ODA is important, I would suggest that you introduce him quite quickly.

Initial Impressions. Good atmosphere. The period and the characters lend themselves to interesting stories. There is a mystique about Ninja's and Eastern Philosophy which adds to their reputation as fighters.

You should name your Samurai's. It is confusing to read numbers. They are also important characters so should be given indivual names. Only walk on parts/extras should be numbered IMO.

I'd start the film with them talking about the girl. Mention the thunder storm after the opeing conversation when they've started to spook each other out. (Now that I've read more, it seems strange that you mention the girl but then not have her come into it much at the beginning)

There are some contradictions in your description of the ninja's. They are supposed to be invisible but this guy saw one. If you want to maintain their aura then I would remove the fact that he saw one. Everyone else died and he didn't even see the assasin.

OK. I've read the first 30 pages.

Problems:

1. Dialogue. Too on the nose. Also it can be very long in places and too much of the story is being told through talking. Find ways to get the information across visually.

2. Characters. I believe that we are introduced to too many charcaters too quickly. We don't have time to get to know any of them. Masaro is your main guy so concentrate on him earlier.

The samurais at the start of the film are being used to introduce us to the history of the ninja's. The script feels like it is trying to teach us who everyone is rather than showing us what they do and what they are trying to achieve.

3. Structure. Too convoluted at present.  It's hard to get a sense of what's going on. It's like you are withholding information to ensure everything is a surprise but it makes it difficult to follow the motivations of our key players.

These are some very general thoughts but I hope they may be of some use.

I'll try and add to it at a later date.

Rick.

Hi Rick,

Many thanks for your comments, they've been really useful.  I'd just like to take this opportunity to explain my script a little and perhaps ask a few questions.

I get what you mean about the initial scene!  perhaps I need to think about the script a little more visually.  I'll start with an Ext. scence of the castle!

You mentioned that you thought: "The script feels like it is trying to teach us who everyone is rather than showing us what they do and what they are trying to achieve".  I would just like to state that it is only the first part of the trilogy.  I guess that it was my aim to inftroduce the characters in the first script and go into a little more detail about the characters in the 2nd & 3rd.  Do you think I am wrong in doing this?

In answer to your comments: "It's hard to get a sense of what's going on. It's like you are withholding information to ensure everything is a surprise but it makes it difficult to follow the motivations of our key players".  I have deliberately withheld information to keep the audience hooked and keep them guessing about the characters motivations.  Again, I would like to state that it is part of a trilogy and whilst I'm aware that I raise many questions, everything eventually gets answered in full.  I guess I need to find the balance between keeping the audience guessing but keeping them interested at the same time and making it easy for them to follow the story.

If you have the time, please read it to the end - It may shock you!

Thanks once again for your comments!

Matt.

Okay I pasted all of these into one document and set about to reading them last night, which kept me up to 4 a.m =/

Spoilers!

Now the story is very good, I liked it and the characters. There were enough twists and turns especially the turn at the end of the first one with Keiken I never expected that. I liked the historical side too, everything was fairly accurate - accurate enough for an average joe audience anyway. Masaro was a likeable lead, and I felt he was pretty well fleshed out. Although I feel that Robatu could have been a bit more characterized.

Another thing was the shogun, who should really be a fierce warrior, seemed extremley thick and weak.

The formatting wasn't brilliant and could have been improved.

The worst part I have to say involves the action - it's an action and battle heavy screenplay but the battles just weren't described at all. I always find one of the best parts of action is describing the action scenes themselves but perhaps that's just me.

Also the characters weren't described at all. One of the most important things about Masaro is that he is not of oriental origin, but we don't even know this until someone mentions it in dialogue. I didn't really feel like I knew the characters that well without them being described.

Overall though a good trilogy, kept me interested enough to read it in one sitting. But you should perhaps have a look at the formatting and put some detail into your action scenes.

Goose,

Many thanks for taking the time to read my scripts.  I'm glad I kept you up till 4am - ha ha - that can only be a good sign!

With regards to your comments, please note that these scripts are the first I have ever written and they are all first drafts.  I'm glad you mentioned that the historical side was reasonably accurate.  It was hard keeping the historical content and creating an interesting story at the same time.

I agree with you about the Shogun, he should be far tougher than I have currently portrayed him to be.

With regards to the action scenes; I am a little inexperienced and didn't think it was acceptable to write page after page of action sequences?  I am a martial arts instructor by trade so could write these sequences with relative ease if you think it would improve the script!

Thank you for your comments regarding the story!  That was my main concern.  I'm glad you liked it and believe the other problems you mentioned can be easily rectified.  I'm currently in the procees of re-writing my second drafts.  Perhaps if you are interested you could read them at a time of convienience to you!

Many thanks once again for your critism - your comment have been very useful!

P.S: Do you have any advice on how to promote my script to producers once I have completed my final drafts?  I seen various mailshot sites on the internet but was unsure as to how affective they are?  I have had a representative contact me from village roadshow pictures (from reading my script on this site) but in the end I think they were worried about budget and scale of the project.  I would be very grateful if you had any comment or advice on this subject!

Kind Regards,

Matt.