Hey Ron,
I hope you're around to read this review.
Anyway, this short needs a lot of work.
-You have misspelled words and missing commas all over the place. But these are easy to fix.
-When you first introduce a character their name needs to be in all CAPS.
-There are a few times where you wanted to insert a "beat" in the dialogue but didn't put them in parenthesis.
Quoted Text JESS TAYLOR
(into phone)
Hey, he's at the book store. Where
are you.
(Beat)
Nothing, been here a couple of hours. He's coming out,
I'll call you. |
-Also, your descriptions tend to be a little wordy at times. Take this for example:
Quoted Text EXT. BARNES AND NOBEL BOOK STORE PARKING LOT -- DAY
Taylor stands by his car in the parking lot of Barnes and Nobel book store. |
You have already announced in your scene header that Taylor stands in a Barnes and Nobel parking lot. You don't need to announce it again in your description.
The story is where there real problems lie. You try to make Sergeant Taylor to be a real pain but you do it using horribly cheesy dialogue. "I see flipping burgers in your future." I just didn't buy it one bit. And then Jess decides to break into the Sergeant's house to find out what his problem is? That is a big hole in the story's logic. Why would he risk getting arrested just to find out why one person doesn't like him? Also, the twist at the end was very unexpected, but was downright laughable.
SPOILER ALERT!!!!
Sergeant says that he used to be a hermaphrodite and now all is right in the world. While this could be a very interesting twist, I think it could be introduced and handled a little better.
Now, that is not to say that all is lost. You have a shown a lot of promise with this short and (with a few rewrites) you could have a good story on your hands. Put it aside a few weeks and then go back through your script fixing your mistakes and making the story much tighter.
If you have any questions feel free to ask.
Keep writing,
Jonathan