More than a Mouthful by James McClung - Short, Comedy - A pastry chef at an erotic cake bakery finds himself sharing the kitchen with an ex-con. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey James, nice title.

This had some very funny dialogue and numerous dirty references right down to C-Ring.  What a great setting you thought of but when it comes down to it, it's just a story about stereotyping.

There are many plus points though and they far out weigh the negatives.  Like I said the dialogue works well and the banter seems pretty natural.  Not sure an egg would cut your head though?  I didn't really get the opening to this but the licking the bowl was disgusting!

Again I was a little lost with the ending, I get the landing strip but did I miss something with the finger snap?  Is there something other then a cake in the box?

Hey James,

This is the first time I'm reading your material. I've seen some of your horror scripts but haven't got to read them yet. So, for the meantime I'll read this one.

The jokes were a little bit sick such as the first scene where the inmate is licking the interior sides of the toilet. Funny, but quite disgusting. In the beginning I thought the toilet was clogged with sh**.  That will really be cruel. lol.

The story arched well. The two guys learn how to cooperate with each other. But as alffy i'm a bit confused with the ending. But I think a time constraint on these on these two guys will show their relationship grow. Are u planning to extend this or just leave it?

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Hey guys, thanks for the reads.

In regards to the opening, it's not shit in the toilet. For the most part, I tried to avoid cheap gags and toilet humor and go for something a little more dialogue driven. In any case, last year, I saw the comedic documentary Dancing Outlaw and its sequel (check 'em out!). In the second one, Jesco, the Dancing Outlaw himself describes making moonshine in prison by creating a reservoir of toilet paper and filling it with berries, which would then ferment. As rediculous as it sounds, this is true so I figured I'd use it in my script. What happens in the opening is C-Ring drinking his cellmates booze then flushing it down the toilet in an effort not to get caught. When the cellmate returns, he's so shocked to see his precious booze gone that he starts to lick the bowl in a desperate attempt to lap up whatever remains of it. Hope that clears things up.

As for the ending, I don't understand where the confusion is coming from. There's nothing but a cake in the box. I decided not to show it though. I wanted C-Ring's "cakesmanship" (probably not a word), to be so good that no one would be able to imagine what the cake looks like unless they saw it themselves. The lack of a cake actually shown, I suppose, might cause some confusion. Am I right? In any case, the general idea of the ending is to show that Simon's had C-Ring all wrong the whole time and for them to finally agree on something and shake hands. C-Ring's grip is a little firm, hence the crunching sound. I hope that clears things up a little. Again, I don't quite understand the confusion.

Quoted from alffy What a great setting you thought of but when it comes down to it, it's just a story about stereotyping.

Yes and no. I'd hate to think this script was just a bunch of racist jokes. I didn't even mention C-Ring's race nor do I think it pops up in any of the jokes. Maybe the cognac? Still, considering C-Ring's intentions for making the same cake twice, his attempt to "spice up the batch" is an honest one. That's what good chefs do anyways, right? Once they've mastered a recipe, they'll try to put their own twist on it. So yeah, this comment bothered me a little. At the same time, throughout the script, Simon prejudges C-Ring based on his previous incarceration only for his prejudice to be proven completely wrong at the end. This is a script with a character who stereotypes, not a script that does the stereotyping itself. That was my goal anyway.

Thanks again for the reads.

Hello James, I have just completed reading your script.

The formatting was good, nothing is flawed with that. The story is much different than anything I have ever read before. It is probably one of the most original as well. A script about an exotic bakery is as original as it gets.

I found this script to be very entertaining. C-Ring? Lol.

I'm sorry if I'm not too great at giving reviews, but I'm just letting you know that there are hardly any flaws with this one that stand out. I liked it.  I was expecting this to just be another script like 'the Child Molester.

Congrats on writing a very enjoyable screenplay!

Thanks for the read, Stigmata. I'm glad you liked it. I tried really hard to make this one original. A comedy about a chef struck me as a major challenge, mostly in how easy it seems. I mean, food is used a lot for comedy so it's only natural a chef would be the star of one. I figured a lot of people would be writing similar things for this contest (I probably should mention this was for a contest) so I went out of my way to make something that was not only funny but also different. I'd like to think I succeeded. This is definitely one of the hardest things I've had to write.

Thanks again for the read.

Hey James, this was a funny and dirty little story HEHEHEHE.  I actually liked it a lot, you don't do a lot of comedy but you are actually pretty good at it.

The banter between C-ring and Simon was pretty good.

the fro bush line was hilarious ;D  I didn't even know girls still had bushes, only ones I have seen are in movies from the 70's.

The "don't judge a book by it;s cover" theme isn't new, I could see how this was going to turn out in the end, but it was fun as it got to the end.

anyways this was pretty good, I think that you are pretty good at comedy, you should try and do it some more, :D

Hey James,

Caught your comments on mine over on NYCMM.  Thought I'd give you my thoughts about yours.

Your concept and title are quite good.  The characters and execution were nicely done. The comedy in your script was even and constant.  I like all the dirty bits.

I thought the begining was a bit confusing, with the toilet bowl.  It might have been better if you just described it as liquor rather as a dark brown substance. lol.

I think the humour in this script runs a fine line.  I think readers are are going to find it funny or they are going to miss the point entirely.   But that is just my opinion, I thought it was amusing.

I didn't find the end confusing at all. I could tell what was in the box from the dialogue.

Well done! Good luck in the contest.

Michael
  

I really enjoyed this. The dynamics between the two characters personality was wonderful and clashed perfectly.

Some of the physical humor was a bit odd and juveline and seemed silly in not a cool way(breaking eggs on someone head) But you made up for this was some real funny smart arse one liners in the dialouge. (It looks so real. I feel like a gynachologist)

Plus the location you chose for the story was very novel and way, way outside the square.

Good job James.

Oh yeah, just one question. The chef had the name Holmes stuck to his back. This wasn't a playful nod to the late legendary John Holmes by any chance? Cause considering the types of cake the bakery specialize in I doubt it would be Sherlock Holmes?
  

Quoted from James McClung I'd hate to think this script was just a bunch of racist jokes. I didn't even mention C-Ring's race nor do I think it pops up in any of the jokes.

I just meant a stereotype about people who have been in jail.  I never really questioned C-Ring's race.

This had some funny lines and some amusing moments as well.   It took a few pages to get drawn into the story but once I did, it settled into a nice rhythm.

The senario you came up with is a good one.  Not sure I ever would have come up with erotic baking.  I'll be honest - I never even knew there was such a thing.  

Instead of having Simon explain to his boss that he's confrontational and doesn't like dealing with people, perhaps you could establish this through his actions - by letting us see him interact with other people on the job.  You know - the show and not tell principle.  

Of course I understand this was done as part of a writing exercise so I imagine you were probably under the gun.  It did feel a little rushed in spots but under the circumstances it was a good effort.  It was quite different from your other script I read 'Black Market'.  

I really like how the theme is set up from the get go on this with the liquid in the toilet.  We know right away that this is about perception vs. reality and that we're going for very lowbrow humor.  It carries through wonderfully throughout the proceedings.  I'm not sure if this what you mean for Simon;s character, but I mentally read a lot of the line readings as incredibly deadpan, especially when Simon does the Dolphin (possibly a poor choice of words) and has the eggs cracked on his head (though was the blood necessary?).  I also liked C-Ring as a character, because in my head, I knew he knew what he was doing, after, the guy was hired, so he must have SOME experience.

A nice sketch which doesn't wear out it's welcome.

I see I'm getting a lot of comments about the eggs. Breaking eggs on someone's head definitely isn't going to draw any blood. It wouldn't even leave a bruise. It sort of defies the laws of physics, doesn't it? Anyway, all that was intentional. That was sort of an attempt at Monty Python/Three Stouges-esque slapstick humor. A comedy can't run on dialogue alone. A screenplay has to have some action in it. Hence, the eggs.

Quoted from tonkatough Oh yeah, just one question. The chef had the name Holmes stuck to his back. This wasn't a playful nod to the late legendary John Holmes by any chance? Cause considering the types of cake the bakery specialize in I doubt it would be Sherlock Holmes?

No, it's definitely not Sherlock Holmes. In any case, if a John Holmes reference was intentional, it was subconscious. I hate to admit I didn't think of it myself. Still, the reference is entirely appropriate, considering the setting, and I'm glad someone noticed it, even if I didn't. Thanks!

Quoted from alffy I just meant a stereotype about people who have been in jail.  I never really questioned C-Ring's race.

I'd say my previous post still stands, even in regards to ex-cons. The only stereotype I can think of being intentional is the name C-Ring, which is actually more of a parody off stereotypical prison nicknames that often show up in prison-related comedies (e.g. Arrested Development's T-Bone and White Power Bill).

James,

I thought this was very creative, very entertaining. It's solid in terms of format and style. It's well written.

That said, I've only one nit, and being a nit, it's minor. The eggs. Having them cracked on ones forehead, regardless of whether or not blood is drawn, was, I think, unnecessary. The dialogue, well written as it is, carries the story. Again, though, this is a minor nit. A matter of taste.

I like how there are two levels to the story, one farcical, one serious. There's a kind of message to it. One that is subtle, but there. Nice.  

Overall, I really enjoyed it -- definitely one of the more creative scripts I've read on SS.

Seth

Hey James,

Damn, I was hoping for a porn flick with that title. Oh well.

I see that this script is posted as comedy - too bad it wasn't funny. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally down with penis and virgina jokes and toilet humor in general but I didn't find any of this funny. And the slapstick parts (the AC blowing $hit all over the place, the cracking of the head/egg) just came off as a poor imitation of Laurel and Hardy (yeah, I thought they were funny when I was five but they suck now).

The reason why it doesn't work in my book, is because Simon tells him to turn on the AC knowing full well it'll blow all the stuff around. That makes the scene seem really forced, like you're going for the quick, but certainly, cheap laugh. The egg scene is just stupid. I mean, if you crack an egg against someone's head with so much force that it knocks the guy down, I'm pretty sure there'll be no egg left to pour into the bowl. If Simon gets knocked down with a simple tap on the head, then that makes absolutely no sense.

For this to work I think you need to go a make it a lot more dirtier. And get rid of the slapstick.

Worst of all, I didn't get what this story was all about. The "Don't judge a book by its cover"-lines doesn't really add up with the rest of the script IMO.

I know it sounds like I'm dissing the hell out of your script (which, I guess, I am) but comedy is probably the most difficult genre out there and I'll give you major props for tackling it. Also, I thought the story itself was very original, kudos.

Cheers
Rob

Thanks for the reads, Seth and sniper.

Sniper,

I can definitely agree that the slapstick is the least strong in my script. It's also the least personal as far as humor goes. I figure my taste in humor isn't going to get to everyone (obviously, it didn't get to you) so I tried to use the slapstick as a middle ground. It's kind of a classic and a good amount of people seem to think it's funny. The eggs didn't work out too great though. The A.C. didn't either, I guess, although that and the corn starch down the pants are both based on restaurant truths I got from my sister, who worked at a restaraunt for more than a year and was full of dirt. Still, I can see where you're coming from.

As for the script being more dirtier, I enjoy dialogue-driven comedy (e.g. Clerks, Bad Santa) more than I do gross-out. Dialogue is hard but just about anyone can befoul a cake mix with some undesirable bodily-fluid. As far as I'm concerned, no one can top Tomcats' cancerous testicle scene or Van Wilder's chocolate eclairs with the bull dog's secret ingredient. If you've seen the movies, you know what I'm talking about (I'm trying not to spoil it for anyone who hasn't). I figured why bother trying to top those gags? You can't, really. I do suppose the title is a little misleading though.

Ultimately, humor is subjective and this obviously wasn't your thing. No big deal. As far is the moral is concerned, however, Michael (mcornetto) mentioned some people will miss the point of the script. I think the "don't judge a cookbook by its cover" theme is totally in line.

Anyway, thanks again for the review.

James,

I totally get what you're saying. I think Dan O'bannon said it best (when he moved from Dark Star to Alien): "Everybody laughs at different things - but we're all scared of the same".


Cheers
Rob

James,

I was waiting for you to post this over at NYCMM , but I guess things are slowing down there now.

I have a feeling a lot of the jokes were lost on me. My mind is squeaky clean and conservative. Some of the jokes already mentioned I missed. I'm sorry. Not your fault.

It was nice to see you using more dialogue this time. You tend to be heavy on action sometimes.

The dialogue was pretty good actually (even if I didn't get some of the jokes).

I think the beginning scene at the prison was not necessary. I know it was a "gag", but if you think about it, I don't think it sets up anything. Story or C-Ring. I think you could have started at the bakery right away.

The banter between the two was good and carried this script, but it wasn't strong on story.

I still say you did a good job and it was nice to see you using more dialogue than normal. I also think it was a good effort for the contest. Of all the heat assignments, comedy would have been my least favorite, after mockumentary of course.

Good Luck James. :-)

Haha. I waited for Pia to review this before I posted. I was too embarrassed to be the first female to review it. I don’t know why -- haha.

Seriously, it was a fun read.

I agree with Pia on everything she said.

The only thing I can say is that the egg thing did bother me at first. I read your response and you’re right. It did strike me as kind of out of place though. Actually, the response afterward is what really struck me as the most odd. I would think someone would take it more personally if someone smashed an egg on his forehead. Maybe it was the lack of anger that made it seem inconsistent.

But then this is a slapstick sort of comedy. It maybe could be set up as such better prior to the egg on the head. Maybe that would help.


It was fun the read, although I felt kind of dirty afterward -- haha.


Breanne

Thanks for the reads, Pia and Breanne.

I agree with both of you about the respective gags you pointed out. The opening doesn't include much information about C-Ring or the story. I just thought it'd be a good grabber. Someone being released from prison has got to grab some people. Still, it is a tad unneccesary and the humor isn't exactly in sync with the rest of the script.

Which brings me to the eggs. I may have mispoke in my previous post, Breanne. This wasn't exactly meant to be slapstick. I just threw some in there as "safe comedy." It doesn't take much to get "slapstick." Jokes about Brazillian bikini waxes and sex acts named after aquatic mammels are likely to go over a few heads (sorry if you didn't get some of them, Pia). I do agree that the lack of anger in the egg scene is a bit off. Oh well. I'd say that particular gag is the script's weakest.

I'm glad you liked that the script had more dialogue, Pia. I'm surprised you thought most of my others have more action. I love writing dialogue so I had a good time writing this one.

Thanks again for the reads.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson It was fun the read, although I felt kind of dirty afterward -- haha.

I must have missed a lot of jokes, I didn't feel dirty at all...  ;)