Holiday episode 1 by Matt Allen - Series, Animated - This is the Pilot Episode of "Holiday," the story of four teenagers and their last summer together before college. 14 pages - doc, format 8)

Holiday: Episode 2 by Matt Allen - Series, Animated - In the second episode of the Holiday Series, the gang heads to an end-of-the-year party. 14 pages - doc, format 8)

This does the job a pilot is supposed to do, setting up who the characters are, and what the potential future stories could be.  Of the five characters, Kel is the most interesting because he is the wild card.  He has the potential to be a fun character because he doesn't have a tie to another character.  The next in line is Jessica, as she has the most potential growth of all the characters.  Most guys knew a Jessica in high school and/or college.

Why is this animated?  There's nothing here that screams out that it would be better in cartoon form, so far.  This also would benefit from opening this up more and allowing it to breathe.  We don;t know much about Jason and Emily except that they are "the couple" and there's a third guy, Adam, who'll try to come between them.  Maybe we can get more on either of them and their home life, since they are still in high school to give us an idea that we should root for them to stay together.  Same with Albert, who's a self-doubtng nerd.  We could use more on him, since the streets are littered with self-doubting nerds, we need something to set him apart from the crowd.

Quoted from EBurke73 This does the job a pilot is supposed to do, setting up who the characters are, and what the potential future stories could be.  Of the five characters, Kel is the most interesting because he is the wild card.  He has the potential to be a fun character because he doesn't have a tie to another character.  The next in line is Jessica, as she has the most potential growth of all the characters.  Most guys knew a Jessica in high school and/or college. Why is this animated?  There's nothing here that screams out that it would be better in cartoon form, so far.  This also would benefit from opening this up more and allowing it to breathe.  We don;t know much about Jason and Emily except that they are "the couple" and there's a third guy, Adam, who'll try to come between them.  Maybe we can get more on either of them and their home life, since they are still in high school to give us an idea that we should root for them to stay together.  Same with Albert, who's a self-doubtng nerd.  We could use more on him, since the streets are littered with self-doubting nerds, we need something to set him apart from the crowd.

Thanks for responding. You offer great insight and criticism. I know it doesn't really scream cartoon, but my friends and I have always been interested in art and animation. See, we were animators first, and writers second. This is my personal first completed screenplay.

I am adding more backstory about Jason and Emily. Here is where I am at:

1. I can have Jason be incredibly in love with Emily; however, she doesn't feel the same way. She likes him, but feels smothered.

2. They both love each other and live happily ever after. Lol.

I like Option 1 better. I am going to develop this screenplay a bit more and when finished, hopefully start production.


Thanks again. Anyone else?

Option 1 offers a heck of lot more potential for story and character growth, so I'm glad it seems you're leaning that way.

yea thanks. This is my first real screenplay so, how does everything outside of the story work? (i.e. formatting, spelling, grammar, etc.) I hope to do several seasons of this series and if possible, a movie (lol only if we could get a good script ;)

Thanks.

Matt

Take out anything that says "appears" in the descriptions, like in the first paragraph.  It should be similar to business writing.  Any descriptions should be in an active voice.  It's like the old story about going into a meeting and ordering a seltzer with lime and a crazy straw.  You may not care or like lime, but it shows a person who knows what they want and you rscript has to be the same.  INstead of "Albert is sitting" put "Albert sits."  You have this all over the page.  You also need to vary your verbs more.  In the first paragraph, two people sit and two lay, and both in the passive voice.  Also, take out "begins to" everywhere.

On page 4, It should be "Kel looks at the clock."  Either that, or I think you can get away with putting a parenthetical in the middle and that could also provide a fix.  Also, "Kel gathers."  Word picked that up also.

Don't use dissolves.  That's for shooting scripts.

Page 6, "She squints her eyes," and on page 8 she should say "I have to go, Rick."  Without the comma, it looks like Rick is a verb.

Page 8, Why do we have to assume it's Michael, which the description says, when Jessica says his name three dialogue statements later.  She would also hang up and "lie" on the bed.  Again, Word caught that.

So format-wise, it seems okay, but you need to watch your commas and punch up the active voice in your descriptions.  I usually don't go to format and grammar unless I know it's closer to a final draft because in the beginning, it's more important to get the characters and story right before paying attention to format n the beginning.

EBurke73: I'm not really a fan of following formatting rules, especially those that say "that doesn't belong in a spec script!".

I don't mind reading one or two transitions. If "dissolve to:" makes the story better, then I feel that it should be there. A simple "cut to:" might not be the best transition.

That's my two cents.

Thanks guys. I've read over what you said and adjusted it accordingly.