Diplopia by Seth Hamilton (seth)  (OWC name - Shonagar)  - Short, Thriller - A young Cajun boy, cursed with supernatural powers, must make a decision. One that might blind him to the reality that is around him.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format 8)

Okay, this was an odd little short. The dialog was well-written, the writer here managed to capture a great dialect between the characters. As for the story, well I was kind of confused in places, especially towards the end about which characters where who and if they were really even there, and then it kind of just ends. Nothing wrong with leaving us hanging, but I had to go back and reread to make sure I had understood the ending properly. And now that I have, I think the last three or four pages need to be calrified a little bit.

Also, there were moments where the writer used abbreviations in their description. This isn't a good idea. Abbreviating is fine in dialog, at least it is for me, but try and keep the action descriptions a little more formal. Just a minor quibble. Anyway, this read went by pretty fast, and with a little cleaning up, it could be a pretty good short.


Matt.

The dialogue in this one was great, and the names...well, I don't really want to think about how you came up with them. That's not a bad thing, though, I actually liked the names.


The story was...interesting. I have a feeling that maybe Boo has sort of a sixth sense and can see dead people, like The Sixth Sense movie, but I'm probably wrong. I was confused at some points and I didn't know who was who and what was what, and the whole idea with Boo being able to see water and stuff was weird.


Though for some reason I can't get over the dialogue. It was really well-written. Haha, I don't know, I guess it's the fact that it sounds realistic, I guess. Your descriptions were really well-written also.


Good job

Sean

Hey Shonagar,

This was a well-written script. Great dialgoue; the characters felt alive. I wasn't cofused not one bit. I loved the chilling ending. Nothing much to say, except for a good job.  

Gabe

Reminds me of a story I read...

But that is probably a good thing.  Great minds think a like (that and it is near impossible to come up with an idea that doesn't sound like somethin I read).  It has a nice texture.  Dialog is a good approximation.

Is the old man Nock or Knock?  Choose one.  Or is this an elaborate nock knock joke (har har)?

Figured out the father early - so it didn't really surprise or thrill (like I said, it reminded me of somethin).  Anyway, over all a good effort.  You kept a good atmosphere.


  

Very good story.

It's suspenseful right from the start. Nice touch with the wading boots sequence.

The dialogue is simply great. Characters are well done, same goes for the descriptions.

The father 'twist' is not really a surprise, but that's not a bad thing.

Best one I have read so far. Good job.

By far the best one yet.

This was weird but in a good way. I really liked that cajun tongue, looked good, read good.

"I is your daddy". Creepy!!!

I didn't quite get what (I got most of it) this was about but it was very interesting. The writing was good and the pace was excellent.

Good job.

I liked this.  The characters were well-drawn, the plot was elusive at times, but it was definitely there.  There was lots of atmosphere.  The dialogue was good, though at times it made me laugh - that kind of took me out of the story a couple of times.  I did think there could have been more suspense at the start, but there was just enough tension to keep my attention (and that's all you really need to do).  Well done!

Premise: 8/10

Really interesting concept with the "eyes that see" . I enjoyed it.

Relation to Theme: 5/10

The plots kind of independent from the houseboat. It seems to be more about the dry river than the boat. More of a mystery than a thriller

Story 8/10

There were some questions I would like to have seen answered. I would have liked to have known what grandpa wanted with his son. If we were introduced to him earlier we would get more of a sense of impending disaster.

It's the most solid story of these I've read so far though.

I is your daddy, lol. The dialouge was good, but I'm still bit confused I did get into the story though.

This is my second "assigned" read, but I would have read this either way.  I liked this one a lot, The Cajun Dialogue was well done, the setting worked well, it was also very creepy, a story about incest...hmmmmm, have I read one about before..hehehe  ;D

The boat wasn't really used that much, but it was there, and this was a thriller so it did fit the challenge I guess.

This was very well writer, but sometimes "NOCK" changed  to "KNOCK" through out the script.

Good job.

It's not Cajun, it sounds more to me like rural african american from back in the day. Liked the reference to Tituba (Salem Witch Trials). Black magic's more of a Creole thing, not Cajun. and again Creole borrows heavily from french. Mash up of the Sixth Sense and Chinatown. Liked it over all, though.

Wouldn't Tituba be Mulatto, then?

I think that's the real name for the African/French people.

I thought it was fantastic all around.

Interesting title. And an interesting premise too.

I thought this was pretty good. It had good dialogue and the story was good. I agree with an earlier post that the ending got a bit confusing. T and Knock both just showing up got a bit messy. I don’t have a problem with something being surreal and not telling the reader everything but it did seem to lose its way a little at the end. It was hard to fully appreciate Boo’s situation when it wasn’t clear what exactly his situation was. That left me with a sort of, “Huh?” feeling that spoiled the full effect of the intended chill. But overall, it was really good.

The writing was really good and the story was very original.


Breanne

Quoted Text Tituba, at a stove, cracks an egg, depositing it into a pan

Not sure about that word, "depositing". Try "drops" or "lets it go". It interrupts the flow.

Quoted Text He my brother and he dead

Lost me here

Okay, nevermind. Inbreeding... love it! Don't take that the wrong way...

Aw c'mon just a hint of some sort of resolution. Good or bad, it doesn't matter just give us something! I think you either chickened out or ran out of time, perhaps.

Besides the dangling ending, I thought this story was very well developed. Characters were fleshed out. I was a little confused on what Boo saw and when. Maybe a little tightening here. Otherwise pretty darn good...

Just give us a real ending.

Joseph

Finally!  A real thriller.  Excellent.  No typos that I can see.  Unusual names.  Clean and sparking script. Character exposition through speech.

I have nothing bad to say about this at all.

Applause!

I love it!

Sandra

Yup, pretty good.  I see in your description on one of the pages you abbreviate the word them to 'em.  I guess you really got into the dialect.

Creepy and enjoyable read.

I know the author of this one, too.  :)

I liked the way it ended. I wouldn't have liked to see the kid cut his eye out. I think having the boy's screams at the end would have been a bad thing, too.

I liked the feeling of this script. Descriptive, dark, and spooky.

Another favorite of mine.

Cindy  

I thought the ending is that he doesn't cut out his eye, which is why the boat is on the imaginary water.

Solid effort. Original story, realistic dialogue, and a creepy atmosphere. I honestly didn't think the ending was all that problematic. Knock had to show up at some point and the final image of the boat on the water was a nice, subtle touch. Not a lot of problems here. This worked very well for me. Probably my favorite out of the bunch so far. All I'd suggest is that you fix this Nock/Knock business and maybe look into this Cajun/Creole stuff. I don't know much about it myself but somewhat brought it up so it probably wouldn't hurt to double-check your cultural accuracy.

Excellent job!

I liked the creepy atmosphere but the story didn't really do much for me.  It was a bit confusing at the end.  The dialogue was solid and different, and there was a good understated sense.  Still, I was hoping for more.  

Very strange but in a good way, it kept me on my toes, excited.

In my view there isn't much to complain about either. You had a good creepy atmosphere, nice dialog, interesting story.

Really my only complaint is that at the end it got a little confusing what was going on, I had to go back and reread it.

Overall all really well done.  

Very well-written and gripping as Boo struggles with his "gift" in one way, and his mother struggles with the "gift" for a different reason.  I like the dangling ending, as the resolution is what you make it.  Not sure I was mad about T showing up from nowhere in more ways than one.  I don't recall his specific mention early on.  The father issue got very confusing.  Opens up a lot of disturbing thoughts about this family though.

This is another short that would work better as a feature.  In nine pages, you createdc an interesting world and put in very unique characters in it.  Because it was only nine pages, it seemed rushed.  I would liked to have seen more of Tituba's and Boo's world.

My only problem with this script (besides the brevity) is that some of the character names were stranger than they should've been.  While I know it adds flavor to the story, the name T just wasn't registering with me.

Over all, a very enjoyable read.


Phil

This was a good read.  The dialogue was great and the images you created were excellent, very creppy.  Not much that hasn't already been said about this one, just a really good short, one of the best so far that I've read.

Good stuff.

Hey Seth.

First off, congrats on completing the exercise.  Unfortunately I didn't make the deadline so you did me one better.  Now that the names are revealed I'll try to review as many as I can starting with yours.

This just feels like it has your voice all over it - I'm fairly certain I would have picked you out - at least I think anyway, with it's dark tone and weighty themes but especially in the way you drop hints to the reader, allowing them to slowly piece together whats happening as the story unfolds.  

This may be a little too dark for my tastes but it was still engrossing.  The psychological aspect was definitely present.  Good job.

  

I just want to take a minute to thank those who took the time to read this. It's appreciated.

About the character's names -- yes, Tituba was inspired by the Tituba of the Salem Witch Trials. Good call. The others, Boo, T, and Nock (more appropriately, Nonc) are Cajun.

And yes, my cultural literacy could be improved. Screwed up there. Another good call. In my defence, this was written 'on the fly' in three different places; one being the bus.

About the story, for those who thought it confusing, I did too. In fact, I almost didn't submit it. My last OWC submission was very confusing -- the star rating system was in effect and, in the end, I was awarded one star. That said, I was worried about submitting a piece that wasn't, imo, as good as it could be.

In any case, I think a few things could be cleared up. It could, for example, be made more obvious that T is, in the beginning, the body that Tituba sees floating toward the boat. And, as Breanne said, Boo's situation, what's at stake in terms of his abilities, etc, should be elaborated upon. In fact, all the various relationships should be made more clear. Again, this script confuses me, and I'm the author!

Again, thanks,

Seth

Seth,

I just found out the names of the authors.  I didn't have a clue who wrote what obviously because I'm new here.

I want to congratulate you on the writing of "Diplopia."  It's a script that can't be forgotten.  This one definitely incorporated its own mood.

It was really well done and don't feel bad about confusion because getting things nailed is just part of the process.

I'm sure that plenty of good surprises will come from the little devils that lurk in the script.

Good luck with any developments and revisions you make on this.

Sandra