Gash & Gabe by Julio Weigend (J_Gomez)  (OWC name - James Tillek)  - Short, Thriller - Things go horribly wrong as an unlikely duo kidnaps a teenage girl, each for their own reasons.    August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format 8)

"Jen huddles in the corner as it breaks away" - he broke the corner?

Why is the first thing the father does when he gets home is turn on the tv?  Sounds like me.

Worst.Cops.Ever.

The rescuing officer would hardly go "That's your name, right?"  God forbid she calls her the wrong name or she rescues the wrong girl.  

The story was violent and depressing, and the comedic "letter" bit was inappropriate(but normally funny).

I don't get the ending with the picture, but that's me.

Decent effort.

This was very by the numbers. Everything about it is solid, but unspectacular.

The format was top notch.

You're descriptions were good and detailed.

You're dialogue was, for the most part, believable.

You're characters, especially Jen, where well fleshed out and likeable.

The story is were the script fumbles. It's not bad by any means, it just fails to be great.

Whoever you are, you know how to write. Overall i'd have to say this one is just average. good job and keep it up.

~Zack~

Premise: A bit conventional and uninspired  5/10

Relation to Theme. It was certainly a thriller, but the boat only makes a fleeting appearance. 6/10

Story: Straight down the middle action thriller. No real surprises or twists, little motivation or character development. 5/10

Written by someone who knows how to write, but too conventional

I like the title of Gash and Gabe, but I was let down as it went along.

This is a shoot 'em up story, but we've got stock characters without any depth.

If you can develop this aspect in the work, then the "shooting" will mean more.  (What a stupid thing to say eh?)

Nevertheless, it's not always the violence that compels us to read and it really is a hard thing to master because we might like to think otherwise.

I once used the example: What's more compelling to read?  The story of a boy who's a bit mamby pamby, has a terrible fear of ants and his father is making him sleep in the  cellar next to an ant farm or the story of the whole world being blown to smithereens by Mr. Bad who's real good at taking everyone out it one instant bang.

It's not always the size of the bombs or conflict, but it's the nature of it and the fact that Mr. Bads usually aren't always without redemption.

Professionals make it look easy and it's really humbling when we look at what's out there.  Sure, there are those films we call "dogs," but hey, those dogs got enough attention to get filmed.

My suggestion is to work on character and subtle conflict beneath the surface.  Take a step back from the violent aspect and consider the "what happens next" aspect.

Just keep crafting.

The general look of the pages were good.  No big blocky paragraphs or anything.

Keep at it and good luck.

Sandra

Good job!

I think you met the challenge well.  It was a pretty standard thriller but a thriller nonetheless.

I thought the ending could use some work.  Besides the fact that Jen seem to pull a gun out of thin air, I think the whole sheriff's son thing was a bit much for the short.

Well done though!

I thought you could have made more with the boat considering it was the theme.
I was kept in suspense, but found it was a bit too bloody for my taste. You kept me reading till the end and that is a good sign.
I am not too keen on the housekeeper getting blown to bits the second time around just for the fun of it.
The end was very quick and I don't think a 17 year old girl would have known how to load the weapon.
overall not a bad concept.

This read more like an action story rather than a thriller, but that's okay.

The writing was sharp and to the point, it was a quick read.

My biggest complaint would be the early dialog between Gash and Gabe. It didn't really work for me. I think considering the circumstances, they wouldn't be so cavalier with each other. The whole thing seemed too casual, not very much tension and that hurt the script a lot, at least it did for me.

I liked the ending. Some nice gore, good kills. I agree with Elis, I don't think Jen would've known how to properly load a gun, it seemed a little too convinient. Maybe change it so that she gets a gun thats already loaded, or something like that.

Overall, it's not my favourite of these, but it's well written and has good pacing and some good kills, so a good read all in all. Good work.


Matt.

The story was conventional. Dialgoue was fair. descriptions were good. The story didn't flow well. It jumped from one action to another. For example, at the end, Gash shoots at Jen, and then the cops arrive. How quick is that? But it used the boat and it thrilled.

Gabe  

I think this could benefit from an uptic in tension. This might be accomplished by raising the stakes with respect to the kidnappers' goal. What do they hope to achieve. As it is, Gabe, according to the script, wants to rid himself of boredom. Gash wants to feed his "starving" child. That said, their motivation is, imo, suspect. There simply isn't enough on the line.

There are some nice touches here -- a quick, easy read, a well structured story, etc.

Seth

I don't really know what to say about this one. The only issue I had here was that Jen screams immediately after being told not to. What was she thinking? Anyway, this was a pretty standard thriller. There was really nothing here that hasn't been done before. It was easy to predict what was going to happen next. The only innovative touch I think of is Gabe's character. It's usually crusty old farts like Gash, as opposed to the much younger Gabe, who pop up in stories like this. Still, his character was a little flat, as most of the characters were.

This was a well-written piece and fit the genre and theme perfectly but I didn't really enjoy it. Too formulaic for my tastes. I think a few curveballs and some character development would have helped a lot. In any case, I'll say it was a decent effort in the context of the OWC. Otherwise, I wouldn't really credit it for much.

A decent read. Descriptions and dialogue are at a fair level, not too spectacular, but not bad. The pace in the story is good.

The story/plot itself didn't really phase me, sorry. It's all goes a bit too fast for my taste. And I agree with a previous poster: the worst cops ever.

So I finished this, and like always, i have a few notes:

- When two people chat on webcams, don't they usually talk orally and not through IM? I'm pretty sure all computers have microphones and speakers. Though, I don't know, I've never used one before, so don't mind me. :P

- I thought the "cut to" to the police department where the cop slams the letter down on the desk was a bit comedic, though I know it shouldn't be.

- That's, um, kind of odd that he'd bit part of her ear of. Is he part cannibal or does he just enjoy eating people's ears and ring fingers?

- Wow, three cops go down in two pages or less. Anybody train these guys?

- If Gabe has guns and money and all that stuff, don't you think he'd just help pay for Gash's daughter? Actually, I don't even know if I have that correct. Gabe and Gash are very similar and it was really hard to tell who was who. Unless they were brothers, actually, are they brothers?

- Placid Lake. Haha, that's good. Lake Placid is a good movie.


All in all, this wasn't too exciting, but it did have action and suspense in it. I enjoyed it somewhat. Your dialogue doesn't feel too realistic in some parts, but your descriptions were good, at least.

Sean

There have been so many girls kidnapped and tied up in this challenge, it’s getting scary -- haha.

I’m not sure how one slowly hops - unless he’s Neo. Maybe he slowly climbs out of the truck or something.

I didn’t get Marybeth’s reaction to the man in black at the door. I had a man try and break into my apartment once while I was home and I can tell you, you don’t just stand there. I was scared to death but I sure didn’t stand there and wait for him to get in. And if someone else is in the house, you don’t just tell them it’s no one. That was totally unrealistic.

Jen didn’t have a phone of her own to call the police? Seemed implausible. She didn’t even try the window either. Nor did she make any attempt to defend herself, such as searching for something to use as a weapon to try and prevent him from entering the room. I mean, as a woman, I expect a male intruder will probably be able to overpower me, but women aren’t as totally helpless as they’re depicted in this script. We don’t all just freeze, whimper, and wait to be dragged off by our hair.

[EDIT - there is a female police officer who bucks up later on but she’s a tomboy of course.]

I didn’t understand a father who storms into his home where police are investigating the kidnapping of his daughter and, instead of demanding answers from the police, he switches on the television. That seemed implausible to me.

What’s an FBI suit?

I couldn’t sympathize with Gash at all when he said he was doing this for his starving daughter because he’d so ruthlessly slaughtered Marybeth. And kidnapped a girl. It didn’t make sense for him to apologize to Jen about her ear when he himself had done something even more heinous.

There are a lot of things in this story that don’t make sense. Why would kidnappers tell the police where they are? Why would a kidnapper go out into the woods alone to fight hordes of police officers? That doesn’t make sense. In fact, it’s absurd.

Gabe didn’t know the name of the girl they kidnapped. That’s unbelievable.

Gabe turning out to be a Sheriff’s son was also questionable. Gash says Gabe is a rich kid. Sheriffs don’t receive exorbitant salaries - so unless Gabe’s father is independently wealthy, it’s an inconsistency.

This story did have some good writing and the writer has potential, though I suspect he’s very young. But the story is full of plot holes.


Breanne

First of all, a big thank you to everyone who read my script.

I think it's fair to call it "formulaic".
I wanted this to be so much more than it was, but I rushed through it because I had started school, and....well, school's always first. Okay, enough excuses.

I did not expect to see mixed reactions. I see some liked it and some didn't like it at all. But at least not eveyone hated it. :p

I think this is probably my weakest work on here. But to be honest, I'm not ashamed of it in the least.

There are holes I need to fill and subplots that need more closure (Jen's dad, Lizzy, Gash's family, etc.) and I will do so because I want to see this story in its prime, not in this broken state.

I see a lot of people complained about the cops. I wanted to portray Gabe as an incredible shooter trained by Gash, who's even better.

Although, I did intend for Tara and David to last longer, but I thought it'd be cliché to kill both "expendable rookies" and let the agents live, so I just went ahead and killed them. Though I killed Matt too, 'cause he was a wimp xP




--Julio

This one didn't do much for me. It wasn't bad at all but then again it wasn't really good. It had a certain indifferent feel to it.

The thing that ranks it low in my book is that this plot has more or less been done before, and as a reader, you have a fairly strong hunch about where the story is going.

The writing itself was good without being exellent, the dialogue was so and so IMO. Jen was a believable character but Gash and Gabe were both very stereotypical.

A couple of things seemed somewhat strange to me.

- When Marybeth sees the man in black through the peephole, she pretty much just stands there. I would expect her to call the cops and at least alert Jen.

- the first thing Jen's father does when he comes home is turn the TV. The housekeeper had just been shot and his daghter is missing. TV should be the last thing on his mind.

Anyway, my two cents.

Cheers
Rob