Miss Bronikus by Sandra E. Watson ()  (OWC name - Sabra Stein)  - Short, Thriller - Two average guys re-christen an old boat with a bad luck history and must begin by riding a Golconda in order to become Champions and liberate their souls.  According to Lowry, a genie captain which goes with the wreck, they're in for an adventure, but Frank and Coswell never knew anything this scary or weird.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - fdr, format 8)

ok, my first post here was deleted.


I opened this on my Mac, it looked like crud. Got a pm that it's a FD file so maybe that's the problem.

Tried to open this on a Windows machine and it still won't work. I have FD on all my computers btw.but it still won't work.

I could just be incompetent...

Anyway, I promise to read it as soon as I can "open" it.

What...the...hell...did I just read?


That was probably the MOST bizarre thing I've ever read in my entire 16 years of living on this planet. I was so mixed up by what was happening I felt I was having a bad dream and all of that was happening. Whoever wrote this must have good grammar and the ability to write properly while high because this was the craziest, yet funniest, thing I've read so far in the OWC of this month.

How the hell did you  manage to write this, Mr....Sabra Stein? I got so lost in each scene I thought I was going to go insane...and yet, I couldn't stop reading!

I know for sure this has got to be Nixon maybe...Or Phil? Nah, I don't know...I'm never good at these kind of things...

Wow this is hard...

Sean


P.S> Pia, the reason you can't open it up is because it's in .fdr format, unless you already noticed that and you don't have Final Draft on your computers. Fortunately I do!

P.P.S (right?)> For the actual author of this script, and if you didn't know this already, to convert a .fdr file to a pdf. file or whatever, go to FILE>SAVE AS PDF and there you have it!

I really disliked this script.  It was trying to be like this crazy LSD drug trip but ended up feeling like a useless journey.  Plus, the characters copped out on their own journey, becoming wusses.  Wasn't this supposed to be about becoming champions and overcoming fears?  These guys are just along for a ride -- and what's so heroic about that?  The script didn't have much in the form of character development.  It could've used some character descriptions, something to go on for the main two characters at least.  

Champagne was spelled wrong a few times.  There are some other mis-spellings, like "wus".  

The one positive thing about it was the imagery -- some very whacky, dreamland-ish, subconscious type stuff mixed in with fantasy elements.  

This script's unpredictability is both its best and worst quality. It's nice to be surprised, but a lot of the stuff is way too out of left field and feels thrown together.  

All in all, didn't really do it for me.    

I don’t have Final Draft so I can’t open this except with WordPad and it’s very difficult to read like this. It really helps if people with Final Draft will format their scripts in PDF before submitting. I went ahead and read it in WordPad but it wasn’t easy. I can’t speak much toward the format because I have no idea if it was formatted correctly or not. And it’s difficult to speak about the story because reading it was so difficult. But I’ll do my best. Here goes:

Well, you’ve got one heck of an imagination.

From a technical standpoint, as best as I can tell, the writing needs to be tightened up. It seemed to sort of ramble. Some of that I’m sure is the format I was reading it in.

You don’t describe any of the characters in any way.

This was really a Fantasy rather than a Thriller with a boat magically becoming restored, a curse that needs to be lifted, a ghostly captain, a sea monster, etc. A sort of magical mystery tour. It’s like Pirates of the Caribbean meets Willy Wonka meets Alice in Wonderland. It’s stretching the genre a bit but it’s overlookable I guess.

It’s unbelievable that a ghost captain can show up and Coswell would take him for a genie. It didn’t seem realistic that Lowry could show up and nobody really questioned him. Coswell just accepted everything he said without question. Seemed odd.

I did find it interesting to see where it was going to go next. I felt the allegorical nature of it became rather obvious toward the end, particularly with the two coffins. But it was okay. I think the Peter, Paul, and Mary reference let me know the mental state of the writer when he came up with this idea -- haha.

It was definitely interesting and in actuality, it was kind of fun to see where it would go. You just need to tighten things up.


Breanne

Premise: 8/10

A cursed boat with a ghost captain. That's got to be good.

Relation to Theme: 2/10

It's not even close to being a thriller unfortunately. It is firmly in fantasy territory.

Story: 6/10

It was a wild, but ultimately pointless ride. There was some wondeful inventiveness but the story was let dwon by its pacing and structure. There was never anything to really care about.

I wasn't expecting this.  Very, very strange story.  Good use and description of the boat.  I wouldn't classify this as a thriller so much as a comedic fantasy.  Had I been expecting to read comedic fantasy, I probably would have found the story more engaging.  

Don

I don't know what to say either...where to start?

Whoever wrote this please let me know what you were drinking while writing this cos I want some lol.

I guess, and I mean GUESS, this is a story about the lads being drugged and tripping out.  Not sure about the thriller element here and the boat played only a small part but this was just weird.

I'm still undecided about my judgement on it.  You used some strange words and some quite frankly made up ones but it did keep my interest which was good.  I really wanted to see where this was going, it kept going more and more strange lol.

Anywho the story wasn't great but it was entertaining.

Ok, I promised I would read this so I did. You know, I actually liked it! Did it fit the assignment? No. Did it entertain me? You bet! I had a stupid smile on my face the whole time I read this. I couldn't wait to see what was going to pop up next.

The writing itself was pretty good, but you need to give us age and a brief description of the characters as you introduce them so we can easier picture them in our minds.

Will you win this OWC? Probably not, but I still enjoyed the ride and please send me some of that weird champagne...  ;D :P 8)

Looks like these boys found that Lost shaker of salt Jimmy's always looking for. Very trippy. It'd be fun to see this in a graphic novel format or in anime short.

The author of this script, no doubt, is blessed with an imaginative mind. This was one hell of a ride. Very creative. In fact, I'd say, the most creative of the 16 scripts I've read. It had a real "unleashed" kind of feel to it.

COMMENTS:

The action blocks could be trimmed -- you want to say what needs to be said in as few words as possible. Readers, particularly professional ones, expect quick, easy reads. For example, instead of writing: "He stands up..." You could write: "He stands..." This may seem like a nit, but it really isn't. Removing unnecessary words not only allows for a quicker read, it also allows you, the screenwriter, more pages to work with.

(CONT'D) isn't necessary. It's, with regard to spec scripts, fallen out of favor, as has we see or we hear.

Any way, I think you've written very inventive, entertaining script. It just needs to be, maybe, reigned in a bit.

Seth

  

It needs  some tightening, some work on the characters, and some work on the story.  But I enjoyed it.  It was a fun ride.  I got a big laugh at the Brady Bunch bit.  Imaginative work.  Keep writing!

Okay, well this didn't make a scrap of narrative sense. There was no story that followed through, there weren't any scares or thrills, but at the same time, it was written with a certain sense of humour and the imagination that went into some of the scenes pretty much saves the script.

Good formatting, some pretty funny lines as others have pointed out. Not sure how well you're gonna do in the criteria, but for pure weirdness, it gets a thumbs up in my book. It's easily the most inventive of all the entries. It's out there, I'll give it that at the very least. Good work.... I guess....

Matt.

Sandra,

Just want to say welcome to SS. Your reviews are great and very much appreciated.

I really enjoyed your script! Sure, it failed the assignment, but I loved your imagination and I had a huge smile on my face while I was reading your script. It was both unique and and wonderful.  8) 8) :)

I, too, want to welcome Sandra. Her reviews were excellent, well-written, well thought-out, top-notch! Her script evidenced a very creative mind. I enjoyed the hell out of it. Like Pia, I couldn't stop smiling -- and usually, I am a very serious person. It takes a lot to get me to smile.

Again, I just want to say, I hope you stick around!

Seth

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this one.

To all who struggle, remember:

A professional writer is an amateur who didn't give up.

Richard Bach

I think we tend to expect perfection after a short time.  Even if logic tells us otherwise, we want to be able to write the movie or book of the year because we would like to think we're special, but we're not.  In fact, if we feel we are inferior, we are separating ourselves from everyone else by thinking we are less and the same is true if we think we are somehow more.

Each one of us is essentially the same with peaks and valleys of strengths and weaknesses.

I know that people never like to hear the "no one is a loser" spiel, but the fact is there would be no human thought experiment going on whatsoever, without all the players.

Amanda Marshal put it well:

"Don't assume everything on the surface is what you see
Cause that classmate just lost her mother
And that Taxi Driver's got a PHD... Everybody's got a story that could break your heart..."

Congratulations to everyone who participated in the last challenge.

It couldn't have happened without you.

Sandra





Congratulations to everyone who participated in the challenge.

Sandra

I don't know how I managed to double the last sentence, but if everything happens for a reason... then maybe it bears repeating.

Congratulations again.

Sandra

I wanted to read the script, and it was also assigned to me, but I do not have final draft.  Since you were kind enough to read my play, I would like to read yours if you have it in a pdf?

I enjoyed reading this script.  As previous posters have said, a lot of imagination went into this, and yes, this definitely falls under the realm of fantasy, which is fine by me.  I liked both characters.  Both were believeable as friends and their differences keep the story moving and interesting because they provide conflict.  I also liked that this was quest and, if you want to fit this in as a thriller, there is a life and death choice.  Continue or die.  It works well and gets them through all those bugs.

My question would be, what do these guys want?  They seem to mainly go with the flow of everything that happens.  Frank wants to go home, but that's after this starts.  I think it's intertesting, going back to what worked, that Frank, upon being told the name of the boat thought he was being called a wuss, and he turns out to be the weaker of the two.  But what do they get, other than life, out of doing this?  There's talk of making them champions, but champions of what?  Then after all that, they leave it behind.  Am I right on that one?  Seems a little sad to go through all that and walk away.

Still enjoyed it.