Light Mist Forming by Antonio Gangemi (Tony G)  (OWC name - Jaxom)  - Short, Thriller - A teenage girl rises from her watery grave to act out her revenge.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format 8)

Def my favorite so far.  Some of your descriptions are clever but seem unnecessary.  

Also, because I'm looking for stuff to critique, I actually wished there was more to the story.  Lots of hip dialogue and succinct passages made it an easy read.  If there were characters with whom I could relate or for whom I could root, I'd have enjoyed it more.  If Loy worked in tandem with Misty I'd have appreciate it, but then again, I guess Loy is simply a hanger on with no individuality.

So my biggest criticism is that with your ability, I feel you could have written a deeper story.  Fantasy revenge was nice, and I'm not looking for some ending that pulls the floor from underneath the reader and makes us scratch our head wondering if we understand what transpired.  No, I'm simply looking for one redeemable character.  Misty doesn't work for me because she's merely a prop that demonstrates the demonic nature of Stake and Dean.  I guess in a longer script, you could have provided some better characters, but I never once suspected any of the characters would survive the tale without a comeuppance.  For a suspense script, that would be the biggest problem.  

I'm also not a huge fan of revenge stories, so kudos to you for making this one compulsively readable.  You have a knack for quick, deliberate dialogue like, "Yeah, but she's got two holes below deck."  

I also liked the symmetry of the two gangs, with three thugs in each, and a chain of command that annointed the most poweful and the most evil.  Without trying too much, the devices you employed exposed the subtext of the script.

Basically, try harder next time and write something that is more intimate.  I very much doubt a guy with your education is or hangs out with a "Stake" or "Dean."  I think about your everyday movies about thugs, like Havoc, which was abysmal or even generic crime shows that all feel tired, even though their writers are skilled and intelligent.

I should also say, as a QT fan, I hated both Kill Bill and Death Proof.  Simple stories can be fine, in fact, I don't like feeling like I can't decipher a film's plot, so the simplicity of a story isn't the problem.  It's the simplicity of the characters.  

I guess I'd rate this script a 7.5/10 because I think you can do better.  But I wouldn't be surprised if it makes it far into this tournament...or if it even gets read by one poor soul at iscript.  He or she will have fun with the misogyny.

Is there some fascination with penis that i'm not aware of? Someone's either grabbing it, talkin 'bout it, or creaming it.

However, when i look beyond all that, there is definetely a great script here. You definetely know what you're doing. And i was thoroughly entertained from start to finish, so thanks for that!

Congrats!

This is very well written -- the best of the six I've read. That said, I'm curious as to who the author is? This is the first script I've read that's prompted such curiosity.

Not much to bust on. It's well written, well formatted, and engaging. I do, though, agree with Stampede, underneath all the proasic descriptives and dialogue, is a very simple story, one that might benefit from a little more depth. Still, I very much enjoyed it. Well done!

Seth

I enjoyed this, but felt it took a little too long to really get going.  I think you would have benefitted from chiseling off just a little bit of Dean and the gang on the boat and getting to the end when Misty shows up a little faster, cause that's where the Thriller aspect was, and I think it was a good payoff.

Definitely a good read.

This was very well done. I enjoyed it a lot. I disagree with Mike that it took a while to get started. I thought it was  a Thrill-ride all the way through. Good supernatural story.

Quoted from ReaperCreeper I disagree with Mike that it took a while to get started.

Which is your right.  It's wrong, but it's still your right.  ;D

I think the dialogue in this story is very strong but there is too much of it. The descriptions and actions are spot on. However, about the Thriller element:

The opening scene with the rape and the shark didn't really do much for me. There is no build up or tension. It's obvious she is about to get raped. She then escapes and a shark pops up right then and there.  

On a side note: I wonder how Misty jumps through the window. I had the impression she got pulled back below deck, unless I am picturing the hatch in the wrong spot.

After the opening scene, it takes a long time before some kind of action returns. There is a lot of dialogue between page 3 and page 11 (that's where the action returns).  Like I said before, the dialogue is strong and convincing, the characters live, but going about 8 pages without any kind of action or tension in a 15 pages script, seems too much for me.

I don't see why Dean turns on his 'girlfriend' like that. I mean, she makes a comment about his friends, they have some sort of an argument and next thing we see is that Dean breaks a beer bottle over her head and initiates a rape session. There is no visible build up in Dean's demeanor.

The Thriller element for me, comes when Misty pops up. There is tension, build up, creepy ghost/spirit stuff. Definitely no complaints with that. I just wished I had felt more of a build up / tension sooner in the story.

In short: good in a lot of ways, but lacking the tension of buildup that I usually expect from a thriller. I loved the dialogue. Best dialogue I have read so far in this contest.

I hope I didnt come across as too harsh; didn't mean to be.

Okay, well this was a disturbing little short. I didn't really enjoy it. It was well-written and the dialog was all right, in places, although as someone pointed out, these boys seem to have an almost unhealthy fixation on sex. I agree with Mike that it took a little while getting going. Some minor trimming in this sequence would be beneficial. Get the kids on the boat quicker so we can get to the climax. The payoff was handled fairly well. Misty showing up again was a good plot-twist and you had some really imginative imagery in the last few pages.

It was an all right read. Good, not great.


Matt.

I think Stampede331 summed this up pretty well.  Not sure this is thriller, borderline horror maybe?

Anyway, as most have mentioned, the dialogue is great and very natural.  Most have also commented on the many penis references but isn't that what teenages do, constantly rib one another about their sexual experiences?

I think this had great potential but I wasn't totally satisfied with the ending.  The revenge thing could a have been, I won't say better but, done differently.  I get that it's a revenge against Stake's son Dean but shouldn't it also be against Stake?  The recurence of actions between father and son do justify Misty's actions but I couldn't help but feel that Dean's character was a bit unbelievable.  There's nothing of a hint and then he becomes a right bastard, allowing Vin to tub his girlfriend and watch!

i was impressed with your descriptions of Misty's return.  They were very visual and original.  You are obviously a good writer and without the ristrictions of a page limit I think this could be improved no end.

Good stuff.

This wasn't exactly revenge more of helping another from the same dilemma she unfortunately suffered. If it was revenge she would have attacked the three men that did this to her, not some other people.

I think you also dwell into sex too much which kind of gets boring after a while. Loy has a big problem if he gets turned on from a bananna. That's something I never heard of.

Descriptions were good, and the story flowed well; a bit late, but its better to have it in there than not.

Hope this helps,
Gabe  

Premise: Revenge story with a supernatural bent. All a bit passe for me. 5/10

Relation to Theme: Excellent use of the boat, more of a horror in my opinion. More akin to a teenage slasher than a thriller IMO but it creeps in. 7/10

Story: Some good writing but I found the dialogue a bit repetetive and childish. Too much talking about willies basically. The pace of the thing dropped off alarmingly between page 3 and 7 and for no good reason. It didn't establish Dean's nasty side or set anything up.

The descriptions were good but I found Misty almost ridiculous, why has she become a Storm God? She's just a little girl who got raped and killed. You need to set it up a bit better. Have a storm at the time she is raped and make the connection. Also hint at her existence at different times in the script.

Didn't do it for me unfortunately. The opening was superb, but it was all down hill from there. 6/10

Liked it. Probably the best one I've read so far.

Like others have said, it was a little slow getting off but this didn't bother me much because I was entertained with everything else(mainly the nice dialog).

About the complaints that they have an unhealthy fixation on sex: there are teenage males who act and speak like this (some of them are my friends, though doubt they would rape). It also helps characterize them for later.

A suggestion I would have is to have hints at Misty's presence while the teenagers are screwing around on the boat; it seems like she comes out of nowhere at Jana's call. I would have preferred a build up.

Lastly, my biggest problem with the short is, as someone else said, Misty has become a storm goddess. I would have preferred her intervening in a more subtle way. This is mainly because I felt it clashed with the tone of the rest of the short. But this is mainly a personal preference, I'm sure other people liked it better this way.

I liked it, good job, probably the best I've read so far.

And finally I loved the "shit on a budget" visual.
In one word, Shakespearean.

I was happy to see the logline for this one because I love stories where someone returns from the dead to exact revenge on their killers.

This is very well written technically. I don’t believe I saw a single error. And it was very nice to read something with nothing to snag my attention so that I could concentrate completely on the story.

The shark was a little convenient. I felt you may have taken the easy way out there rather than get into the horrid fate that Misty was about to face.

Perhaps a bit much with the penis talk. Maybe boys really talk that way but wow, it was a bit much.

I liked the story and I like the idea that history was basically repeating itself with the kids on the boat.

I was however disappointed by two things:

1) There were a lot of ruthless indifferent characters without many characters to care about. We don’t really get to know Misty or Jana. I didn’t even know Jana was one of the good characters until the plot to victimize her began to form. I think this could have used some more development at least of Misty or Jana. And possibly, there were too many characters.

2) Misty doesn’t exact revenge on the actual people who wronged her. She doesn’t really exact revenge on anyone. She saves Jana from the same fate. That’s a terrific idea. But I felt a bit cheated that Stake and the other men who victimized Misty basically got away with their crime. Well, Stake lost his son. If the other two boys were the other two men’s sons, then I suppose there was some justice there. But that’s assuming that Stake cared that much for his son.

Also, the porno stuff was indicated to possibly contain evidence against Stake concerning what happened to Misty. But yet that angle was never further exploited.

I felt there were things opened up and left open.

The writing however is excellent and I’m thinking the writer just didn’t have enough time or space given the length constraints to flesh this out further. I really enjoyed the near technically perfect writing however and I thought the story was engaging and had a lot of potential.


Breanne

What I liked: great style, real dialogue, and a sense of pacing.  I was never really bored, even in the dialogue heavy sections earlier in the script.  That's a testament to your writing ability.

What I didn't like: Dean's unbelievable character turn.  He suddenly becomes a rapist?  I wish the characters had a little more complexity to them as well.  They either seemed to fit into two categories: aggressor or victim.  With Loy, there was a little bit of hope he'd try to stop the aggressors, but he ended up chickening out.

The revenge fulfillment was okay, even if Stake didn't get it in the end.  The ending was satisfying on one level, but unsatisfying in many other ways.      

This was a pretty good read. Definitely a thriller, both in the supernatural and mundane sense. A lot of good conflict here and a satisfying conclusion. These guys definitely get what they deserve. A couple people have mentioned that Stake isn't part of the revenge plot but I still think it stands. Misty exacts revenge on Stake by cutting off his bloodline and, in turn, ends a future generation of rapists before they can even begin. It worked as a revenge, it was just unconventional and, for the most part, unconventional is good.

There were a few questions I had throughout that weren't answered in the end. I would have liked to know more about Misty. I initially thought she was just some tragic victim of Stake and co. but considering his family knows who she was, perhaps she was something more. I gather she was around for a while and the characters grew accustomed to her presence however in the end, she has no further development. Jana probably needs some more development as well. She ends up a potential second victim but she isn't set up as such. When she's introduced, she seems like she's part of the gang, even if she doesn't want to be there. To be more specific, someone who's accepted as part of the group. I don't think this is what you wanted. Further character development would have changed things.

Overall, a pretty decent, well-written entry.

I haven't read anyone else's reviews, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

I didn't think this much of a thriller.  The story didn't build as it should've.  It just seemed like a light horror story, something I would've read out of an old House of Mystery comic book.

All the characters were stereotypical white trash...almost to the point where it was painful.  Their names were like something out of Hee-Haw.  And their actions (particularly the kids) were like something out of any teen angst movie.  Misty's role in this was a bit confusing.  Why would--

SPOILER SPACE

--Misty go after Dean, Loy and Vin and not go after Carny, Elwin and Stake?

And why was she singing?

END SPOILER SPACE

Your writing was too heavily worded.  A lot of your description, unfortunately, is inappropriate.  When describing things, you should do it only in ways that can be recorded by the camera.  From the first line in the script, you do this.  How is the camera supposed to show that the boat is in the Atlantic Ocean?  How do we know that the three men are depraved?  How do we know that Elwin is a chain-smoker?  HOw do we know that Stake has a dismal IQ?

Don't tell us things; show us.  Elwin should be smoking one cigarette after another.  Stake should be acting the idiot.  Be creative.

Who is Ritchie?  Twice you use this name in your headers (which, btw, you use too many of for a spec script), but you don't have anyone in the script with this name.

Descriptions make a big difference in the story's pacing.  When one page equals one minute of film time, you can't pad the script.  Keep the descriptions brief and include only what we need to know to keep the story going.


Phil

From a technical point of view: succinctness especially, I think this script has done extremely well; however, I must comment on the content.

We're dealing with the use of sex as a tool throughout, to get a "rise" out of people.  Indeed, a pun.

But seriously, my feeling about Jana in this story, and what occurs is that she has serious problems hanging out with this lot.

At the point where she calls Dean, saying she's not done with him yet, it sounds as if she's playing the dominant game, but then Dean turns into someone who would smash a beer bottle over her head and...

Well, see the trouble is, as a writer, I know what I can do with the manipulation of heavy subject matter, but I think it's a better test of a writer to work without using "tools" like this to generate a story.

Now really, if we take out all of the sex elements, what do we have?  We've got some people chatting about what?  Grandma's rose garden?

I don't sympathize with any of the characters except of course "Misty."  But we don't get to know her and she shows up again at the end as a ghost only serving as a bit of a story device.

I notice that the original characters disappear out of the script and then these other boys show up who are behaving the same way.

Is this to show a "like father, like son" kind of thing?  The sins of the father are the sins of the sons?

My suggestion to the writer here would be to take your talent and use "it" rather than gimmicks or devices to get attention.

It's important that we ask ourselves: Who is our audience?  What is the genre?

When we strip down our story to its bare essentials, what is left?

For this particular piece, there is too much obviously that doesn't fit well with a general audience.  What we're left with is the audience looking to read or watch sexually filled material, and they probably don't want to hear about little girls getting abused by three old scum bags.

Then there's the horror genre, but it's not fitting there either.

Who is our audience?  This is an important question which I think was forgotten.

I was just disgusted by the content of this and I didn't feel in the end it delivered any real resolution.

Good job though for a clean looking script despite its content.

Hope this was helpful.

Sandra

This script had a professional feel to it.  Both the action and dialogue were conveyed succinctly.  The writer succeded in creating a fully formed screen story within the specified page limit.  I did not see the mist coming at all when it hit (not to be punny), so that was nicely unexpected.  The dialogue of all of the unsavory characters seemed authentic, if at times a little trite.  

As for the challenges of the piece, there was nothing redeeming in any of the characters.  I felt dirty peeking into their lives and hearing them talk.  I hated to think of people living and behaving like this -- maybe just my own limitations.

What troubled me the most was that the murderers were not the same people upon whom vengeance was wreaked.  Stake goes off to a bike convention, scott free?  Why does he keep his porno collection locked up?  There is no indication that they filmed their time with Misty.  

These men were all ugly misogynists.  Apparently that is what motivated Dean to throw Jana to the wolves, and allowed Loy to turn his back on her, and obviously what allowed Stake and his gang to rape and kill Misty.  

The only redeeming quality of the story was that the ethereal blue Misty helped Jana to safety.

Overall, it seemed to fit better into the category of horror rather than thriller.

To balance, I must say that the visuals were excellent and well-conveyed.

You have a hip, interesting style.  You just showed us a bit too much of it.  This script should have been a ghost story from the get go.  Instead you gave us pages and pages of penises. I usually don't mind such things - but you got excessive with it.

When you finally got down to the revenge it happened way too fast.  Revenge should be slow and sweet.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to provide commentary.  LMF will undoubtedly resurface as a feature at some point.  It's just a question of when.

Best,

Tony