The Bonaventure by Tim Fraser (Blakkwolfe)  (OWC name - Lessa)  - Short, Thriller - A girl discovers she's heir to more than just an old boat.    August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format 8)

I would begin by trimming the big blocks of text, preferably to no greater than 4 lines; they slow down the read.  Be sure to write what can only be seen or heard.  Take for example the following passage:

She smiles, looking at her key chain and thinking of the 7.5 million dollars she now has in the bank.

Can be rewritten as: She admires her key chain, smiles.  Capturing the thought you referenced would be a challenge.

Here's another example:

CAITLYN scurries across the roof repeating the steps she’d taken many times while sneaking out in high school.

Could be rewritten using the first 5 words of that sentence.

On the positive side, the lingo between the agents felt very real to me.  IMHO, I would begin the story with the most thrilling aspect of it which, for me, was the chase in the woods.  And build from there.  Good job!

First thoughts--in order.

1) Don't mean to be rude in any way... but what exactly is "a pretty goth girl" ?? (to me it could be more specific)

2) Tony G seems to have said everything i wanted to say about your descriptions.. Tone it down a tad. Short and sweet. To the point.

Otherwise, i enjoyed it. Not my taste, but still enjoyed it.

Congrats!

Who's Kate, Glenn's first words are this but have I missed something already?  Maybe it's a play on Caitlyn saying she's not always Caitlyn?

Green Day quote?  Nice lol.

Bit wordy with your descriptions but then I'm one to talk.  Just need to break up your paragraphs, no more then 4 lines.

Not sure how you would show what she's thinking, in regards to the money she now has.

Hot coffee in the face and calmly wiped off - what no screaming from the boiling liquid?

This Caitlyn, Kate, Katie thing is really confusing.

How do we know it's as strong as steel?

Not sure about this really.  Caitlyn's dad was at Roswell so the agents want her silenced.  Her brother isn't too bothered if she ends up dead and her sister only appears at the end to fill in the story.  I just felt it was a bit too over the top with the agents taking pot shots a young girl and basically trying to imprison her for no real reason, then again I'm English so don't really understand the whole American government thing.

The dialogue was ok but the story didn't do it for me.

Premise: Not bad. High concept though straining at our suspension of disbelief
              6/10

Relation to theme. The only relation to the boat was the keys she inherited. Bit of a cop out if you ask me. It was a thriller of sorts.  5/10

Story.:  Some good action. I found it all a little unbeleivable though. The military was a bit incompetent, surely they would have already searched everything before the girl came to inherit it?    5/10

The story itself reads pretty breezy.  I don't tend to have problems with paragraphs that go on for more than 4 lines if the writing is succinct (which it is here, and most other paragraphs are only 2 lines at most).  (And if other people have a problem with it, know that Charlie Kaufman breaks this "rule of thumb" almost all the time, and his 8-line descriptions are very succinct)        

As also mentioned in other reviews, some of the lines/thoughts Caitlyn has are not filmmable, although they let the audience in on some backstory.  Perhaps finding another more filmic way to get this backstory across would've been better.  

Wished you used the boat a little bit more.  Perhaps a chase on the boat, instead of in the woods, would have been more interesting.  

I liked some of the clever dialogue -- "your knees must hurt then" to Agent Tavares.

I found it pretty improbably that a diner worker, Hazel, would know of Caitlyn's father's Roswell secrets.  Didn't really buy it.  

p.7 has a typo: "I'm disappointed [in] you, Ms. Ashton"  

Felt like the ending needed something more.  So she gets the hell out of dodge?  What about her evil brother and sister?  I was hoping for some sense of closure with them, like punishment/what goes around comes around... since they were so willing to sell out their sister.

Overall, not bad.  But could've used more BOAT.  

This was a interesting story; convential idea, but an interesting angle. the dialgoue seemed to be forced especially in the beginning. I think the agent will not give in that easily. Descriptions need a bit trimming as people mentioned. the story flowed. Good job

Gabe

This was an interesting take. It had some flaws but I like the general story and found it engaging.

Caitlin can go by Cait, or Cate, or Cat. I found it odd to go by Kate with a “K” when her name started with a “C.”

I found it unbelievable that the Air Force would destroy the boat while believing it may have alien technology somewhere on board. It would make more sense for them to confiscate it and take it apart bit by bit looking for the technology - especially since they’re all such power mongers. It seemed odd they would want it destroyed and not have it for themselves.

Her brother Glenn really bothered me with his cold indifference. I know he was a money grubbing s.o.b. but he didn’t even care if his kid sister got murdered by government thugs at their own home. That’s pretty cold. I hated him. That’s a compliment but I think maybe it was a bit overboard. Maybe a little internal conflict about his kid sister being slaughtered would be nice - and more credible.

There were some errors. Most of the writing was pretty good so I’m inclined to think they were just misses during proofing. But it needs to be proofread.

There were times when you described things that were unfilmable or needed to be clarified. For example; how do we know Caitlin’s on her third diet coke? Are there two empty cans? That sort of thing. Some were more serious such as; how could viewers possibly know that Caitlin had sneaked out that way so many times in high school?

There’s no need to say shakes head no or nods yes. Shakes head automatically means no and nods automatically means yes.

I think you introduced too many agents. I started having trouble keeping up with them all. Some parts for which new agents were introduced could have been covered by already introduced characters. I know you needed a lot of agents but you didn’t need as many to be introduced characters and given dialogue as you had. It got muddled.

I like the alien technology theme but I think it would be better to leave Roswell out of it. It’s a contentious conspiracy theory. The Air Force explanation of events is perfectly plausible. I’ve read the Air Force reports on a lot of the UFO sightings of the early half of last century and quite frankly most of them have been thoroughly debunked by the Air Force. I still think alien technology - even government cover-ups - are fair game for a movie. I just think Roswell has been done to death and it would be better to concentrate on a newer fictional incident. That’s just my opinion.

I liked the story. I think more can be done to develop Caitlin into a character we can sympathize with and relate to. But I think you have a nice premise for a series actually. Like I said, it needs work. But it’s a good effort with some potential.


Breanne

I think this one is definitely my favorite so far.  Really good!

There were some typos.  You had Simmon's for possessive plural and it should be Simmons'.  Sir, [No]... was capitalized by accident.  The slug line for Karens room needs an apostrophe.  Caitlan shouldn't have been shortened to Kate for the short bit.  I thought it was a different character.  I know writing Cait looks weird, but I don't know what is a better way to do it.  This was a mostly clean script though.

"Lying to the government, that''s a switch," was one of my favorite lines.  There were other really good ones as well.

I still have some scripts to read; unless they really impress me, this one would get my vote as the best one for this challenge.

It was a good read all around.

I guess you weren't supposed to put your name on it, so that's no good, but it truly was impressive.

Congratulations on a job well done.

Sandra

This was a pretty good read. I don't really have much to comment on; everyone else seems to have said it best. I myself, however, didn't find the whole Caitlin/Kate thing confusing. Still, it's sound advice. Anyway, seeing as I don't really have any advice of my own, I'll just tell you what I thought...

The story was overall good. Familiar concept but original enough so as not to be conventional. Some aspects seem farfetched to others but the tone seemed to fit everything that happens in the story (e.g. government agents shooting at a little girl). My only major gripe with the story were the characters. They were all relatively well-developed, I just didn't like a whole lot of them. Glen and co. obviously weren't meant to be sympathetic but I didn't much care for Caitlin either. Sure, she has to put up with a lot but she still came off as an emo kid to me. She seemed to shrug Hazel, a likeable character, off pretty quickly and didn't seem to care that she'd inherited a million something dollars. She doesn't have to go nuts or anything but her response came off as beyond bratty. The best lines did come from her though (e.g. "Seig Heil") and the majority of the remaining dialogue was very well-written.

Overall, one of the better scripts I've read so far. Easy to read and get into and pretty strong in the character department, even if some of them weren't likeable. A standoff effort.

Oh cher'  I did enjoy this screenplay.   I read it and kept anticipating the next event or twist and was not disappointed.  

Some of the "message board"  messages above have merit for technical areas --but the main character and theme held my interest from beginning to end.  I enjoyed some of the 'quips' and 'clips' mentioned in other messages as well e.g. reference to government, etc..

Actually I liked the at times labyrinth of 'WHY was something not deliberately connected or explained."  In  added to the 'speed in which the story" moved  --like a silver streak --or truck "out of Dodge" as soon as was possible.  The unexplained is important to me as a reader especially in Science Fiction.   In my opinion  there was "just enough" explanation given to the discerning  --to permit one's imagination to "predict", "conclude" or "surmise" that which was not enumerated in the screenplay.  

Masterful Job. Thanks ---look forward to more (please!)

The story moved pretty well.  We're introduced to the characters and brought into the plot pretty quickly, but we're not given everything on a silver platter up front.  It's nice to learn things as the character does, and we do get some nice character moments for Caitlyn when she finds the presonal stuff on the boat.  I also liked the xharacter description of "southern belle gone commando."

Then all hell breaks loose, both in and at the story.  The laser keychain adds a science fiction element, which is a nice change from what we've seen before, but Caitlyn has an amazing lack of remorse for casually knocking off a couple of people with the press of a button.  I mean not a smigden.  She even makes a comment about how she's not even had a cup of coffee yet.  Also, unless I missed something in both readings, Sawgrass seems to appear out of nowhere.  Put me in the camp that thought more would be done with the boat.  It is in the title, though I suppose "The Zap Keychain" would be a giveaway.  It read as less "thriller" and more of a "Young Adult Science Fiction" to set up future stories.  

Hey,

Don't have any advice that wasn't really given so I'm just going to put out my impressions.

I enjoyed this, I loved your main character Caitlyn, she was witty, likable, and had a little bit of attitude which I loved, the story around her though I was a little more luke warm on.  

I think if you kept on this and expanded it some more you could probably win me over, you kind of broadsided me with the sci fi stuff, and I had a little bit of trouble with suspension of belief.

Besides Caitlyn, I loved Glenn, I thought he was hilarious (If you weren't going for that he should be worked on, but I love him they way he is) I couldn't stop laughing at his dickery, I'm still giggling at the fist pump.

I thought most of the dialog was pretty good, the stuff between the agents was totally believable for me (but then again I'm pretty ignorant on that stuff).

I didn't have any problem with your discriptions, I didn't even notice something longer then 4 lines until that commenter pointed it out. That said though, until you're Charlie kauffman it would probably best if you followed the standard.

Overall, liked the characters a lot(except Karen, just kind of seemed there to me), general story kind of interested in. Seems like a pretty good introduction to a series and I'll expect more.

.good nice job efforT

reklawpeehs

A huge thank you to everyone who took the time to read and comment on my entry. Your advice and insight has been invaluable to me, and I have learned a great deal from the experience, not just on my story, but on the commentary on the whole. I look forward to other such excercises and hope that I can be a valuable addition to your on-line community. Thanks Again.

I enjoyed the read, it moved well and you certainly didn't allow things to get stagnant. However I was also confused by the Kate thing and although I know Glenn was in bed with the gov. agents and all I found it hard to believe they'd start to referring to Glenn as "brother" - the chumminess came out of nowhere for me.  But yeah, for all you had going on I thought it was delivered well for a shortie. Nice work and I had a very good feel for Caitlyn from the use of your one liners.

keep on keeping on!

mark

Thanks for reading, Mark!
I made a mistake with the names. Should have spelled it CAIT if it were more informal,

Glenn is a major piece of work. I wanted to paint him as the total corporate clone to contrast Caitlyn's more artistic non-conformist personaiity. He's greedy, cold, calculating and would sell out the world (including his sisters) if it made him money.

Your comment about the chumminess...Yeah, I'll agree with you. He may feel that way towards them, but they would probably prefer to keep him at a distance.

A sassy, foxy goth lass with a bad arse death lazer key chain. What's not to like about that?

This was a great read that I really enjoyed. agree with above posts concerning action. Shave off a bit- just a touch.

I don't get all the confusion with Caitlyn and kate. Come on what's wrong with you people? Kate is short for Caitlyn like Rob is short for Robert.

The only part I did not like was Kate getting dressed up like "cute lumberjack"

Nope! No way. Goth fashion is a statment, not a style. She should and would wear black and big black chunky boots to the bitter end.

What the hell was I thinking? No doubt the minute Caitlyn gets out of this jam she's high tailing her cute little bootie to the nearest Hot Topic and gothin' proper.

She'd still be wearing her boots, just a different shirt and ripped up jeans instead of her black leather mini and fishnets.

Here's some suggested explanations for her lumberjack look: She was still paranoid and freaked out about secret agents trying to kill her, so Sawgrass convinced her that changing her look might through them off a bit.
It could also Sawgrass's attempt to "get her to undress" so that some "action" could have occured in the truck prior to arriving at the diner.

Thank you very much for checking this out, Tonka! I'm glad you liked it