Drowned by Austin B Steel (ABSteel)  (OWC name - Gemma)  - Short, Thriller - A man finally overcomes his guilty conscience after two decades of struggling with the death of his younger brother.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format 8)

First comment :)

I would've liked this one better if it wasn't so full of technical flaws. Don't write your actions passively--"The kids are asleep"--WRONG--"The kids sleep"-RIGHT. You did this several times throughout the script. But I've done this sometimes too so don't feel too bad. ;)

In the beginning you describe the tent as "Jimmy's tent" whn Jimmy has not even been introduced yet.

Another gripe I had was the dialogue. It wasn't completely bad, but I honestly got the impression these kids were gay or something. Who in the blue hell would call his father "daddy"? They sounded either a lot younger than they were, or just girly.  

The characters were all extremely hard to tell from one another. None of their personalities were that unique and the fact that we got no physical descriptions of them did not help.

That being said, I did enjoy the story to an extent. So, please don't take this like I hated it or something. I'm just  trying to help you out.

--Julio

SPOILERS...

While there are technical issues, I did not find the excess of problems that Julio's comments suggest. Still, you might consider better familiarizing yourself with "spec style."

As for one of the character's calling his father "daddy." Much of the story takes place in the past. So perhaps this is forgivable.

The story, itself, was, I thought, a little tedious -- parts dragged, particulary the childrens' dialogue.

The biggest problem that I had with the script, though, was the end. "It was all a dream." These type of endings often leave the reader feeling cheated.

I also enjoyed this one, in a way. As Julio pointed out above, there were a few technical faults throughout. I also think it could have benefited from another two or three pages of stuff around the middle, to really set up how guilty Jim feels in his later life. Obviously the guilt is implied, and I'm not quite sure how you could have shown that he was guilty, but I'm sure it could be done and it would imrpove the script a little bit. Overall, this was a good script. Good, not great.


Matt.

Premise:  A nice slice of reality with a srong theme.  7/10

Relation to Theme:

Good use of the boat though it isn't a thriller, it's a drama. 5/10

Story:

A touching and real little story with a satisfying ending. Thoughtful rather than thrilling.  6/10

I liked it.

I didn't feel for the characters too much at all though.  Brother blames himself for the death of his little brother.  Other than that, there's nothing(but its 11 pages, so I understand)

The ending suggests (to me) that Jim is at peace now, because he saved his brother (in the dream?) so there is a solid ending to it.

Solid use of the boat.

Solid story all around.

The first thing I noticed as I started reading was that the 13- and 12-year-olds called there fathers "daddy." Now I know that even I didn't talk like that when I was 12 and 13. So these kids seem like momma's boys more to me. And suddenly, they change as Jimmy begins to curse at his little brother. Weird.

Why did you change Jimmy's name? You introduced him like he was a new character, yet, he's the same. Instead of introducing him all over again, you could have said, "Jimmy, now aged to 30, sits on the bed..." or whatever. And also, you'd think that if him and Lisa are married, which I'm pretty sure they are, he would have told her about what happened already.

The ending didn't really satisfy me, either. I don't really like some "It's just a dream" stuff used in many movies shown now these days. And with Tyler waving at the end, it reminded me of the remake of The Amityville horror, though, Tyler doesn't get sucked under the floor by a demon ghost thing. Hehe.

Sean

I think the Jimmy\Jim thing is just to hammer home the adulthood angle.  He is no longer a child,etc.  He's a man with a woman in his bed and they like to get down...

sorry...

ill be in my bunk...

(sorry about gettin off topic there!)

it's a touching story, but not a thriller. Why change jimmy since it was established as his name. I think it's best to keep to not confuse the reader something I've learned.  The scenes also moved fast or I prob read it to fast which is good; so I'll chose the latter. descriptions were concise and characters were alright.

Gabe

This one has a good story but suffers from bland storytelling. It needs punch.

Example: Luke picks him up. Ruth cries. They walk to the house.

In the above description, two parents have just discovered their son is not breathing. What’s missing is the excitement that should be filling the situation. You’re just telling us the physical actions without actually describing the events. This is more like a police account than actual storytelling. The emotion and the passion is what pulls the reader in.

No one seems overly excited by the event of a young boy drowning. You have to put yourself into the situations of each and every character. How would the character react emotionally? This needs to be there.

Luke’s son is dead and all he says is, “It’s okay. Let’s just bring him inside.” It’s completely inconceivable that Luke would be so indifferent about this. Where’s the frantic CPR? Not just from Jimmy but from Luke? Where’s the hurried going for a doctor or whatever? Where’s the genuine reaction?

I don’t know if a marina would allow that particular boat to be docked there -- haha.

They fall asleep - this is a slippery slope for a description. You could cut this line altogether. But kudos to you for actually making the idea of spending a night in that rickety old houseboat sound romantic.

How could Tyler and Jim stand face to face? Tyler is 10 and Jim is a grown man.

At the end, Ruth came out of nowhere. But no Luke.

I’m not sure I understand the story. I assume Tyler offers Jim some sort of redemption through a dream where Jim succeeds at saving him. I could actually accept that. It’s skimming the lines of acceptability but I could - if the writing were punchier.

So this is a descent story that didn’t get told as good as it could have. You’ve got to put some bite into it. It needs the description and the dialogue to reflect the situations more accurately. As it is, it comes off, like I said, like a police report. It’s just step by step the events that took place. It needs that spark of emotion to give it life and it could be turned into a genuine story of a man coming to terms with the past.


Breanne

I liked the beginning of this.  It worked for me; however, as it went on, problems started arising.

For instance: When he tells his wife what happened and says, "Yeah, but just don't expect me to swim."  His wife laughs.  That is totally inappropriate for the character you've portrayed her as.  I don't think you want her to be heartless.

Also, the father after the calamity says, "It's ok, let's just bring him inside."  Again, this just isn't right.  Unless the father doesn't really care or is some kind of emotionless person, he would be crying or determined to bring his son back to life somehow, even though inside himself, he knows the boy is gone.

I think with some revisions, you could make this work because it's a plausible story.  Kids can easily put themselves into dangerous positions without trying too hard.

The little boy wanting to be with the big boys is so very realistic and right away I felt for him and too for Jimmy because he feels it's his fault and has to live with it for the rest of his life.

I think you've done extremely well with this, but you probably ran out of time and just tried to finish it quickly.

I don't know why Jim dreamed that Tyler pushed him overboard.  I guess it was his conscience thinking that he wanted to die or deserved to die, but it's probably showing Tyler in a poor light.

This would have been a more uplifting story if you would have worked harder at the (I can't think of the word I want--it's like remission, starts with R... don't you hate that.)  Ah!  Got it!  Reconciliation!  If you would have developed that aspect, it would have had closure.  Yes, in the dream he saved him, but it was all sped through and like I said, Tyler pushed him off, so it didn't quite work.

I liked this though and I think it only needs a bit of tweaking to be really good.

One of the best.

Sandra

I wanted to thank everyone who took the time to read and review. I've definitely learned a lot of this experience, and I can't wait to do it again!

ETA: I just spent 20 minutes replying to all the reviews, and then it says that an error came up. Psh. I promise I'll try it again tomorrow.

I have been away -- and will be for a short while longer -- but since this one has already been bumped, I want to jump on here and let you know that yours is one of the first that I intend to read upon my return.

You have certainly piqued my curiousity, Mr. Steel -- you can decide for yourself whether that is a good thing or a bad thing.

Hmm... I'll take it as a good thing.

Thank you, Bert.

I FINALY FOUND YOU MANN!! Now let me read...

[5 min later]

w- t- h-

i know I'M not one to talk about endings man, lol, but i liked it until that dream stuff.

The descriptions i'm iffy about. Only because it kind of seems ... like a step by step type thing.

ex- jim falls down. Jim gets up. Jim runs.

That's how it sounds. I don't know if i'm even saying it right. But it needs more "OOMPH"(reccomend saying that out loud 3 times)

But If you don't understand what i'm saying, it's okay. It's late and i'm highly caffeinated.


Ending: ehh.
Overall: needs more Oomph.

Good job though. Kept me interested.

Thanks for reading, chomico.

I'm working on giving my descriptions more oomph. We'll see what happens with my newest script. I understand that it sounds like a police report and I'll try my hardest to fix it.

Hey ABSteel,

This felt kinda like a cross between Flatliners, Mean Creek and Stephen King's IT (the loss of a brother).

I liked it but it lacked punch. There were too few emotions in this - IMO - very emotional story. While I felt the sorrow that Jim was going through to a certain extent I thought you dropped the ball a somewhat when you didn't dive (get it?) deeper into his psyche. That could have been the "thrilling" part of the script, cos' as it stands now it's not a thriller. It works great as a drama piece but not as a thriller.

Setting aside the use of non-active verbs and whatnot, I thought the writing was solid incl. the dialogue. But you should use active verbs, it makes the story flow much better (plus it takes up fewer words).

All in all, an enjoyable read.

Cheers
Rob

Thanks, Rob. I'm still learning, so we'll see what happens with my next script. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Breanne says that I write like a police report. How can I fix this?

Vary your sentence structure. Surprisingly some changes can do wonders, but you'll never know until you give it a try.  Got it?

Hey, Steel.  When somebody new pops up on the boards with so much bluster, I can't help but wonder just what they have going on themselves.  And I mean that in a hetero, writer-type way.  Just so you know, I went into this fresh, without reading any previous comments.

I thought the opening to this story was effective.  Nice, short descriptions that read quickly with efficient dialogue. You are not completely new to this, are you?  

But I gotta say that I become bored with Lisa very quickly.  A very blah chick, this Lisa.  I don't think you ever gave her more than one sentence at a time, and it was always something on-the-nose bland.  A pretty thankless role for the actress.  I would try to spice her up a bit.  Give her some personality.

I think Jim should find a puddle of water on the deck when he goes out to investigate.  And I also do not like it when characters "instantly" fall asleep to help drive the story.  That technique is one of those things that may work on the page, but not on the screen.  Watch out for that kind of stuff.

I found Jim to be waaay too calm about seeing Tyler.  Come to think of it now, Tyler’s parents also seemed a little too calm when they found Tyler.  Let me go back and check.  Yeah.  Dad says, "It’s OK.  Let’s just bring him inside." It's OK?  That's pretty cold.  I actually thought maybe Tyler was still alive at first.

You should try to inject your characters with a little more emotion -- a little more urgency -- during episodes like these.  Something that needs exclamation points, you know?

But I like your little tacked on ending with Tyler.  It closes things out well -- although I could also be a jerk and ask how our viewers would know this was a dream without the benefit of a slugline.

While this story holds water, so to speak, with a fairly solid structure, where I think this story comes up lacking is with Jimmy’s guilt.

You set him up as a character in need of redemption -- and in fact, you give it to him -- but the big problem here is that he really didn’t do anything wrong.  He efforts to save his brother were heroic.

Jimmy should have been more responsible for Tyler’s death.  Perhaps he was too afraid to jump into the creek after him.  He does not actually cause the death, but the weight of his responsibility is increased, and that would help lend his redemption more resonance when it is finally delivered.

Despite my gripes, though, I had no real technical problems with this story.  Guilt and redemption in 7 days and 9 pages -- that's tough.  I've participated in these challenges before and I know how it goes.  Another week or two might have made a world of difference.  But it is competent enough that I can see you've got some talent there.  Welcome to the boards -- a little late.  It would be interesting to see something where you had the benefit of a little more time.  

I agree with all your comments. This isn't an excuse, but I only spent a day on the script, so I didn't have a lot of time to tweak it.

If I could do it over, I'd cut Lisa out completely. I'm not sure what I'd do with the rest, but I think it'd be better if she was out.

Quoted from bert I could also be a jerk and ask how our viewers would know this was a dream without the benefit of a slugline.

Yeah... cause the viewers are privy to everything in the script :)

I'll say that this was a real hit to my ego and confidence. I wasn't sure I wanted to even do this, since I haven't really shared my work with complete strangers. I'm glad I did it, though, and thanks to you, my confidence has restored itself, a little bit, at least.

Okay Austin,

I read your script.

Here's my two cents.

Some things didn't quite work...

Jimmy calls his father daddy, then turns around and calls his brother a bitch, and uses other curse words???

Luke says it's okay when he finds his son lifeless???

Lisa laughs when Jim says he doesn't want to go swimming, just after he has told her about his trauma as a youngster???

As for the story itself, I can see this working out nicely after some spit and polish. I liked how Tyler gave him the chance to save him, and ease his mind a little, but I think that part still needs a little something... as to what... well I'm not thinking that clearly right now. If I think of something, I'll come back here.

If you do a rewrite, let me know, and I'll give it a read.

Cindy

This one was okay. You set it up pretty good. The boys were well written and you had some interesting conflict going on surrounding the knife. Once Jim is grown up though, I think the story goes downhill a little. It wasn't bad per se but it seems like you set up the story in the begining for something more interesting. I don't understand Tyler's ghost's intentions. He shoves Jim into the water and then waves goodbye to him as he leaves. Then when Jim's in the water, all that happens is he has some sort of flashback (you should indicate a flashback BTW). I have no idea what he was trying to do. In the end, I don't even know what happened. Was it just a dream? I'd hope not. I think a lot of these guys have already told you such endings are lame. Yeah, that's the only word for it.

So yeah. All in all, a good setup but a weak, not to mention confusing, payoff.

He wasn't a flashback, but thanks for reading.

Hey,

I thought this was ok.

I like the overall idea for the story but I thought their were some problems with your execution.

The biggest problem I thought was that a lot of stuff just kind of came across as bland. As other people have already pointed out some of the descriptions, some of the characters seem like they are just placeholders and some of the dialog.

About the dialog, some of it seemed really stiff like after Jim's parents come and find their son dead, or Jim explaining his fear ti Lisa(seemed like you were just trying to get the information out an move on to the next scene), or when Tyler shows up. The dialog stood out as something that could be improved. As it is it kind of took me out of the atmosphere I think you were trying to create.

Anyway, good idea and a nice start.

sheepwalker

Bumped for callinsky.

Okay, with Drowned I started of enjoying the voices of children.  Even when they’re bad they are still good.  

I felt the intensity building up.   It scared me.  I think it’s the mother in me.  *I didn’t  understand Luke’s reaction.

The retelling of the story builds the tension even more.  Then you get the dripping water, twice.  By the time Tyler appears, even though it was expected, I was ready to hide under some covers.
Now, I don’t watch horror movies anymore.  I used to love them but I’ve become a pu()*&.   This genuinely frightened me.

Great job!

I felt good in the end, too.  Forgot that part.