Chatroom by Nick Carlton (nwc2001) - Short - After a power black out, a girl goes to her neighbours house - a boy whom she knows only from their internet conversations. 11 pages - doc, format 8)

I enjoyed this story. There's a kind of honesty about it. It's low-key, and appropriately so. I especially liked the end, which was, imo, perfect.

Still, as with most screenplays, this one is not without its problems. The format is off. This, though, can be corrected by downloading one of the various free formatting programs ... Screenplay Article Links & Software

The writing had a novelistic feel. Many of the sentences could be shortened. For example, given that Ben is 17, readers will know he's a teenager. That said, rather than writing, "BEN, a 17-year-old teenager is sitting at his computer." You could write: "Ben, 17, sits at a computer..." By writing sits rather than is sitting, you eliminate a weak linking verb, reducing the word count -- allowing for a quicker read.

You wrote "Bewildered, Ben tries to restart his computer but fails." This is a good example of telling rather than showing. In other words, don't tell the reader Ben is bewildered, show him shaking his head or blinking his eyes. Poor examples, I know.

Some of the dialogue was on-the-nose. By that, I mean, it was obvious, at times, that what was being said was said only to push the story forward or convey information necessary to the story -- nothing wrong with that, but you should attempt to convey such information in a way that doesn't feel forced. Not an easy task.

Anyway, again, I enjoyed this story. I do, though, think it would benefit from a rewrite (of course this could be said about almost every script ever written).

Seth

This is the first script I've had a chance to review on here.  I liked the idea behind the story, it seemed like part of a story that wouldn’t be out of place on a TV Show.

Like Seth, I felt the ending was perfect.  He also picked up on most points I was thinking too.  Such as shorting certain sentences.  Also watch some of your wording "press it down but the lights do not turn off" shouldn't that be "turn on"?  

The script is also a product placement heaven! naming a lot throughout, msn, myspace, google, numerous movies, perhaps cutting them down a little too as it may begin to get tiresome hearing so many products called.  

Some of the dialogue felt a little rushed and jumpy and didn’t feel like a real conversation.  Sometimes things are cut short like when Lisa says she's going for a shower it's just a quick "bye" from Ben though I can understand that you could be trying to bring out the point he's shy and quiet around her.

Overall I enjoyed the read Nicholas