The Sacred Heart by Elisabeth Dubois (elis) - Short, Drama, Fantasy - Ever carved your initials on a tree?  Two elderly lumberjacks recall their first date.  5 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is such a beautiful and sorrowful story, love story in disguise i think. At least Sam's sacred heart lives on. This will be a little memorable piece in my head for a long time. Thx.

I thought it was alright. There were a lot of grammatical errors that I saw in the action lines, other than that, it was pretty well written. The story itself had no core, no heart. I understand what you were trying to get at but it seemed like you were so determined to rush to the final scene that the meat of the story wasn't there. I think you could easly build the love story so that we really feel for the main character. But in all honesty, I didn't really feel anything for the characters. Keep on writing.

Hello Elis.  I have not had much time for features lately, but you seem like a nice sort, and I wanted to check out your short when it popped up.  I forgot about it, but DirectorG13 reminded me it was there.

I liked it, generally, but I do have some comments; some technical, some broad.

For starters, lose that title that is SCREAMING at me.  Yikes.

Some of the dialogue is giving me a toss as well.  Going for a dialect is one thing, but you need to be careful not to overdo it.  Some of these lines are difficult to interpret, and they really interfere with the flow of your story.  I should be zipping along, but instead, I have to pause every third or fourth line to figure out what the heck they are talking about.  Very distracting.

And when John says "sacred love heart", that piece of dialogue registers with a loud "clang".  It seems very out of character.

Oddly, I knew where this story was going once Sam started walking home with the slab.  I do not think that is your fault.  I think it is the natural conclusion to the story. And therein lies the problem.

It is a sweet story, but also a sad story.  There seems to be no room for an uplifting angle, but I think that is what it needs.

It ends quite abruptly, which may be part of the problem.  Is there no hope for these two men?  Do you just intend to leave them like this?  If you could give us another page or so that ends on a sad smile as opposed to just darn sad, I think you would strengthen your story.

Off the top of my head, I think Sam should die as well.  In an odd way, I think Sam dying, reunited with his beloved Juliet somehow, would be a more satisfying conclusion.

Let me know if you post a rewrite of this and I will give it a second look.  I did not hate it -- it's unique -- and most of the pieces you need are already in place -- but I think it could carry more weight than it does.

But tone down the dialect a wee bit, for sure.  

Hi Straysoldier. Thank you for the read. Glad the story made you feel a little emotional.  :)

Quoted from DirectorG13 IThe story itself had no core, no heart. I understand what you were trying to get at but it seemed like you were so determined to rush to the final scene that the meat of the story wasn't there. I think you could easly build the love story so that we really feel for the main character. But in all honesty, I didn't really feel anything for the characters.

Hi Director G13.
Thank you for the read and review.
I agrre the story does need more meat. the fact is this short had a limit of 5 pages, it was written for a themed monthly comp. I will extrapolate on it for a future story.

Quoted from bert Some of the dialogue is giving me a toss as well.  Going for a dialect is one thing, but you need to be careful not to overdo it.  Some of these lines are difficult to interpret, and they really interfere with the flow of your story.  I should be zipping along, but instead, I have to pause every third or fourth line to figure out what the heck they are talking about.  Very distracting.

Thanks for the read Bert. I have taken on board your comments and have reconsidered making the dialogue as natural as possible. I didn't really think it would cause a problem for the reader.

Thank you both for taking the time to review,
Elis

Hi Elis, this was a nice story and I think it flowed pretty well, but it also felt a bit empty, maybe because it is mostly two older gents talking about there past, maybe a flashback or two to see what they were like when they were young and with their lovers, I think that would bring a little more to the action that follows with cutting down the tree, and it would also give us a little depth to who these fella's are.

                     SAM (CONT'D)
                 t’sin ‘ere somewhere.

that line I had to read a few times before I got it, happens a couple other times as well, you may wanna tone that kind of dialogue down a little bit cause i got stumped on some of them.

All in all this was nicely written and moved along well, and the idea I thought was really cool, I think a little more focus on these guys and what those trees really mean to them would help this story be even better..

First off, what's the deal with the blank page after the title page? I don't see any purpose of blank pages in a screenplay. Lose it.

Anyway, on to the story. I liked it but I felt like you downplayed the emotional conflict that was going on here. Sure, they bring up the magic of carving one's initials into a tree but when Sam finds the tree, he basically just says it'd be fun to show Juliet for nostalgic purposes, I guess. He doesn't seem that into it and doesn't react to it the way he should considering the way your story ends. Speaking of which, the ending feels incomplete. The line "the magic died with the tree, Sam" doesn't make for good closure. There's conflict in the final exchange of these two characters. It should end with resolution. Instead, it ends with conflict.

Overall, I'd say it's a good story but you haven't got to the guts of it just yet. Your characters also need a wider emotional range. They seem pretty reserved, for the most part. Sam isn't a character you want to be reserved.

Anyway, hope this helps.

Thanks for the read James.
I didn't realize there was an extra page. Checked it out it's my title page, it's added  an extra blank when transfered to pdf. Thanks for picking it up.

The ending was originally a happy one and I think I will resort back.
As I mentioned before. It's a short that was written for a specific exercise. It does lack body and more can be done with character development. It will probably turn out  an eight or ten page short when I rewrite.

Thank you the boy who could fly, I have made changes to the dialogue but haven't uploaded the script change. I am going to give the story a bit more body before I do.


Thank you both for your time and review, greatly appreciated.

Elis

I liked this little story. Reminds me of a fairy tale, sort of a timeless quality. It would have been different had they been carrying around gas powered chainsaws.

If given a happier ending, I could imagine this story as a beautifully illustrated children's book, if not a filmed short.

I liked the accents OK, as it added to the unique flavor of the piece.

I quite liked the ending, I just think it needs more of a build-up and perhaps a bit added to the very end so it doesn't feel as abrupt. I'd definitely be interested to read an expanded version.

As for the dialogue, others here will probably know better about this than I do, but I seem to recall reading somewhere that it's acceptable to simply state in the directions that they have an accent and then write the dialogue as normal. That way people can imagine it without tripping up over any of the words.

I liked this little short, though I agree with the earlier poster that the dialogue is a little over the top in terms of accents. I'd definitely tone that down.

I think it would work better with a more bitter sweet ending. Perhaps after the death they could carve the names on new trees to show that although their wives are dead, their memories live on.

I enjoyed reading the short, and I really didn't have much of a problem with the dialect.  Everything is set up well, which brings up Bert's point that there is no surprise at the end when Juliet is dead.  All of the pieces are put in place so well, that it can only end one way.  Maybe two, if Sam dies of a broken heart, holding the slab while sitting in a chair next to Julient, lying dead on the bed.

I think it would have been nice though, if Sam put up a little more of a fight, other than to "miscount," in order to protect the tree.  Drive home the belief and maybe show his fear when he either realizes or figures out his wife might be dead because the tree has come down.

Magnificent story. So much tendreness and feelings, though the end was a little bit obvious.

I would show Sam discovering Juliet's body and point on his distress. In the same way, I think you have to show  how the tree is cut and how Sam is worried and hurried to get home.  These two scenes could have a parallel meaning.

The woods are not magic enough. You should describe them the way Same feels them, sees them. He's back to the place of his 16 and he should act as he was young again.

The last scene is too abrupt. Instead of carving the slab, Sam could desperately carve a young tree in his garden in hope to bring back Juliet to life.

Anyhow, that's how I felt things right after my reading. Thank you for this story you shared with us.

Michel 8)

Thank you all for taking the time to read and review my short.

Blakkwolfe, your idea of gas powered chain saw is quite illuminating, lol ;  but it would take away from the serenity of the forest. I am glad you enjoyed it and yes, it could be turned into a children's book but the ending would definitely have to be cheery.

James Carlette, I am glad you enjoyed it. With the dialogue, I've noticed my reviewers are of two minds which becomes a conflicting issue. But I do agree as a general rule, it should be an accent or dialogue that  readers should not have to struggle over when perusing.


decadencefilms@37.com, thank you.
In my original short I had John find Sam sitting on the porch's step carving at the slab in total devastation, mutilating all letters. When he carves the last letter, Juliet actually comes back to life as the magic spell was broken from destroying the slab. I may go back on those lines or possibly think about your suggestion. Once again, thank you for the read and feedback.

EBurke73, thank you for your read and review. Glad you enjoyed it. I have had some very good pints made and I am rewriting it now. I will post a new draft in the next few weeks.
Thanks again for the read.

Michel, a French man, I assume, lol. Hi from a French woman.
Thank you for your review and the time taken to read.
You feel that the trees are not magic enough! And possibly so. As I mentioned before this story was done as a five page exercise. I will extend it to a story that brings more meat and feelings.

Hey Elis,

Thought I'd give this a read.


On the whole, I liked it. I felt it was a pretty simple story, and carried a fair enough amount of emotion, however, like others have commented I think it could use a little more.

The last scene on the porch seemed a little too casual for me.  Sure he's crying and what not, but a simple "Juliet's dead" followed by the explanation of the tre losing its magic needs a little more punch.  It can definitely be expanded on.

I was able to follow the dialect, but thought it wasn't entirely necessary.  I was more or less trying to figure out where these people were that they spoke in that way.

Anyway, a good read.  Nice work.

Thanks for the read and feedback, Mike.
I am redrafting now.
It is hard to know wether to tone down the dialect. I know some readers will stumble over the words but I thought their dialect would reflect very common simple folks that have very little to do with society.
Thanks again Mike.

Elisabeth,

I read this, and before the ending, I already knew how this was going to end.  How?  What gave away the ending?  With his wife near death, and the sacred tree with their initials on it was diseased, and was chopped down, I knew Sam would find Juliet dead upon his return from the woods.  A rather sad tale, almost a fairy tale.  A Disney type story.  It read very easy, and it pulls at the heart strings.