Prime Cortex by Jose L. Villanueva - Sci Fi - Police Captain Conn Brighton, a decorated officer and family man, hunts a loathsome killer named Peter Petrok. Brighton captures him and is branded a city hero but Petrok's two henchmen, who manage to escape, have a different agenda and exact revenge on the captain. After a horrific occurrence and then a case of mistaken identity, Captain Brighton is encarcerated in a prison compound where prisoners battle it out with giant killing machines, massive firing helicopters and other inmates in a survival of the fittest. The story then takes another turn when Brighton manages to escape the prison and tries to find the men responsible for causing his life to spiral out of control. The title refers to a program devised by a mad scientist named Strikehouse who plays a key figure in the story. Action packed tale which leads to a shocking climax. 134 pages. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Jose! I'm planning to read this over the weekend. Wasn't quite sure what to expect given the lengthy blurb, but on a quick glance the formatting appears pretty good, and I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of trouble Brighton gets himself into.

After reading your summary I must admit I was a little skeptical. It seemed like a lot of stuff and unclear what the main conflict was. Was it the Prime Cortex or Conn being framed, or a villain or what.  Anyway, I read bout 34 pages and took notes on the way.

Here we go:

Peter with the lawyer at the beginning: We flash back to it 3 times before they finally kill him without even finding the comp card. It seemed unnecessary and that not much had changed each time we went back.  Maybe if the environment had changed or Peter used an interesting “technique” to try and get what he wanted.

All the names are a little much. I know it’s futuristic but it may be a little too much.

Seems a little much that bullets bouncing off a Zip would be enough to crash it. Seems like an ineffective vehicle to me. Maybe if you had it actually hit some hydraulic or something. Plus with all the “Peter jumps on” “Peter jumps off” stuff, I kinda lost track that he was on a motorcycle.

Seems like everyone is falling out of the Hover-C. Maybe they should just go back to good ol’ cars and helicopters.

Don’t get why the cop would “instinctively” drop his gun and grab the grenade.

How big is Peter’s motorcycle that they can have this big, long fight on it?

“Conn snaps Petrok's neck to one side.” Maybe you don’t want to use the word snap, especially when the last time a neck was snapped, it resulted in death.

How come all villains think they’ll be out by nightfall and that nothing can be pinned on them. Peter did just resist arrest which result in multiple deaths and millions of dollars in property damage.

The Mayor, Strikehouse, Police Chief and Conn seem to talk FOREVER about the presentation, and eventually just leave.
“DR. STRIKEHOUSE
I told you that bringing them here would be a waste of time.”
I couldn’t agree more. Tighten it up.

The whole Burnsy’s camera thing seems unnecessary

The Chapman-Strikehouse meeting seems forced. Just for him to say we’re all set. Meeting in person just to say that seems like just as much as a risk as using the phone, especially since one would assume Dr Strikehouse, with his influence and position, is at a half way decent apartment complex that has some sort of security that would notice Chapman, if not check his ID upon entry. If it’s at a shady apartment place, please say so, although this might seem like a repeat of Burnsy’s place.

I do like Artie’s free meal gimmick. His description of what happened is rather long though. We don’t need the whole play by play.

Sorry if it seems like I’ve ripped this apart. It has potential and the sheer fact that you completed it is a testament to your dedication. And hopefully you won’t get offended that I only went about 34 pages deep but the whole thing seems confused. What exactly is the focus?  

We know Conn is the main character but what is the problem? From what I read in your synopsis, we should have at least been framed and on his way to jail by now. Plus you build Peter to be your villain but it seems like you forgot about him in favor of his two henchmen.  It’s just a little all over the place.

As an exercise, what would your logline be? Not to simplify your project but you should be able to sum the whole jist of your script into one sentence that would entice someone to read it.

I think you may have something good here but it needs a lot of tightening up. My advice is to put it on the shelf, do your next project, then come back with a fresh eye. You definitely have the follow through for screenwriting. Keep at it. Good show.