Outsiders by James McClung - Thriller - An adopted Japanese-American and his best friend cross paths with a vicious Yakuza crime syndicate while on vacation in Japan. 93 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting this, Don.

Anyway, this is my first non-horror feature length. I'd say it's pretty brutal and a little unconventional as far as the crime genre goes but horror couldn't have been further from my mind while writing this. With the exception of Oblivion, I'd also say this is my first script that's about more than just what's happening onscreen. My aim was to make this more character-driven than any of my other scripts and I think I succeeded. I pushed myself harder than ever in that department.

Outsiders took me almost a year to write. Half the year went to planning. Writing it took forever, which has never happened to me before. Usually, I can churn out a script within three weeks or so. In any case, I feel confident in saying that this my best work. Any comments would be much appreciated.

Also, thanks to the people who read Black Market and commented that having Yakuza gangsters show up at the end was a bad idea. Otherwise, I wouldn't have written a whole other screenplay about them. You know who you are ;).

Hey James,

The first 10 pgs. are really good. Very character driven. What I see wrong is the first slugline: Int. black screen. It should be black screen. A simple mistake. Other than, this part is clear. I'll let you know some more if I come around.  

Gabe

Hey James,

Been awhile since I've read anythign from you, and it's been awhile since I've read a thriller as well so I guess I'll kill two birds with one stone.

First, something seems a little off in your dialogue, like the margin is a little too far to the right.  Not too much, but noticeable.

I think you could stand to break up these discussions between Grant and Ramon a little.  I like what they're saying, but it may help to break things up and get rid of some of those big blocks by adding in some bs "uh huh" and "yeah type responses.

I like the scene between the Gambler and Yoshinori.  Cool stuff.

Is Tadao's name pronounced Ta-Dow?  I keep reading that in my head, with emphasis.  Ta-Dow!  hahaha.

I like the switch with the girls in the club.  They think they're in, but end up getting mocked.  Nice touch at making them even more out of place.

Bottom of page 24/25 - Damn!  Those are some wicked monologues!

The phone call between Tadao and Hotaka seems like it shoudl be intercut or a VO from Tadao.

That Tatsu's a weird looking bastard.

I thought the pacing of this was pretty well done.  I was a little worried as the interrogation scenes went on and the storty didn't really seem to move out of there, but it never really seemed to go off track anywhere.

Not too sure how I feel about the ending.  It's certainly refreshing to see a script where not everything is hunky dorey when its all said and done,  but it was borderline uneventful.  I would have liked to have seen a little bit more of Yoshinori at the end, really struggling with his fate, maybe a slight bit of reconsideration.

On the whole a nice piece, but those blocks of dialogue throught really need to be broken up.  It would probably add about 10 pages to the script, but it's room you can spare, and I think it would really help the flow of the read.  I actually caught myself skimming in some parts.

A pretty solid piece all around.

Hey James,

Just finished Outsiders and here's my review.

SPOILERS BELOW

This a pretty solid story I think. The premise is fairly simple - a case of mistaken identity (or so it would seem), interwoven with a young man's search for his origin. I thought it was great how you managed to balance the different storylines without getting lost. The start was good, it set the right tone for the script and it introduced the characters nicely, although the first act was a little too long for my liking (you were nearly at page 50 before going into the second act). The second act is basically one long interrogation/torture scene that IMO fails to really set up the third act properly. The third act is where the this script came apart for me. Suddenly Grant is Yoshinori's long gone son? At that point this script turned into Dynasty for me - a very deus ex machina ending.

The whole scene with Toshio and Jun just sorta pops up out of nowhere and it seems very staged. It was a damn cheap way of getting Grant out of the interrogation room and you should seriously have a look at this, cos' as it plays now it doesn't hold water.

The characters themselves could use a little more depth IMO. I guess you could consider Grant the main character and while his search for his biological parents is certainly an emotional filled journey, it does come off a bit - well, not forced - but kinda wooden in my book. This is mainly because most of the emotions and turmoil his going through comes across through his dialogue and that hurts the story character-wise. Again, it's the classic question of when to tell and when to show - it's a fine and difficult line to walk, I know.

Ramon was a little too much IMO, his kinda laid back big mouth attitude quickly grew stale on me. There's nothing wrong with that if that's what you were going for, cos' it defensibly means that you created a character that stood out - so kudos for that. But it was kind of obvious that he was going to be the 'sidekick' who gets wasted in a bloody fashion.

The Yakuza characters came off as I expected them to, (Mikio was maybe a little too pussy-like to be a believable gangster). Since this is set in Japan there are obviously going to be a lot of Japanese names (duh) and some of them were kinda difficult to tell from the other - I kept getting them mixed up. Maybe you should have fewer named Yakuza characters. All in all I think you managed to nail the Japanese characters really well - and this is from a guy who's never spoken to a Japanese person before...

My biggest gripes were...

1) You never explain what exactly happened to Yoshikazu and why he shot everybody in the beginning.

2) The dialogue. I don't mean the actual words - cos' they are really well done, I just think there's way too much dialogue in this script. It was like the characters were doing speeches instead of talking to each other. Again, it hurts the script by telling instead of showing.

I did like the writing very much. Your descriptions are spot on, very solid. It flows very nicely and this is also the main reason why this script is such a quick read.

All in all I thought this was an enjoyable read that could evolve into something really good with a little work.


Cheers
Rob

Hey James, seems as though I've pretty much read all your scripts so might as well give this a read, especially as you've now moved into another genre.

Anywho I'll get started...I'll comment as I go so forgive any stupid questions were the answers are revealed later.

SPOILERS.....

Nice interesting start, gets me wondering why Yoshikazu betrayed his father.

Couple of typos top of page 6. You're should be Your, I think.

I'm glad Ramon explains who the Yakuza are lol.

I'm not sure why but Grant and Ramon's conversations remind me of David and Jack's in An American werewolf in London.  I know the surroundings are totally different but I guess it's the 'being in a foreign country and bitching about it' thing.  By the way thats one of my favourate films so thats a compliment.

Yoshinori's dialogue about his son is strange, I don't like the 'second in command line.  It sounds a bit cheesy for me.

Why does Tadao reel off a speech about hating Yoshinori to the gamler if he knows it could get him trouble, seems odd to me that.

Although at times Grant's and ramon's dialogue seems a bit long winded, it's excellently written and characters bounce off each other well.

What the hell's DDR?  Some dance machine I'm guessing.

I like the montage, I've always wondered the correct way to insert one...now I know.

The arcade dance off was a good scene, I liked it.

Maybe a stupid question but do all Yakuza dress the same, I only ask cos you say the Yakuza enter the club, do we know they're Yakuza?

Typo top of page 21 Grant say's he could give a shit, might be couldn't give a shit?  Probs stop with typo's cos they're just nit picking lol.

Sorry can't help myself...typo top of page 27 Grant repeats 'there was' twice in his dialogue.

Ok I'm half an hour in and I'll take a breather.  So far I can see some major changes in your writing, you said you wanted a more character driven story and you've done it here.  I'm intrigued to know if Grant will find his birth parents and what will happen when the Yakuza catch up with him and Ramon.  Grant and Ramon converse well but a little lengthy at times.  Your characters are well developed but I don't know, maybe it's me being English but sometimes they act a bit weird.  In the club when they are dumped by the girls they strop off in a huff with them, I wold have thought they would have stayed and tried their luck with some other girls?

Anywho so far so good, I'll finish this off shortly.

James,

Sorry bro but I had to stop. The main thing was the dialogue. All these people were doing were walking around saying exactly what the think. Blatently putting out all there motivation, fears, their step-by-step thought process. A lot of it actually felt like bad anime dialogue. Granted I only got through 30 pages, but I was ready to ditch after Tadeo's all out devulging of his entire character to the degenerate gambler.

Plus between the Japanese chicks random giggling and the lack of any alcoholic bevarage other than sake, it seemed heavy on stereotypes. If you're gonna set this in a foriegn land, show us something we haven't seen before. Might as well learn while we're there.

The dialogue was my main complaint. The trick is to say the most with the least amount of words. And if done well, what is not said can be more powerful than what is.

Thanks for the reads, guys.

The general consensus seems to be the dialogue is too bulky and too blatant in spelling out the characters' thoughts and motivations. That's correct on several accounts, I think. This is a dialogue driven script. I wrote it that way and there's too much of it for that to change. I like dialogue and quantity doesn't always bother me. Still, I think I'll take Mike's advice and break up the monologues with some responses from the other characters. I also think I can make some distinctions with what needs to be said and what can be inferred. I wanted the characters to be very detailed so I packed a lot into their dialogue but I'm starting to realize that a good chunk of it can be inferred from the rest. I'll get to work on that.

Quoted from Shelton Is Tadao's name pronounced Ta-Dow?  I keep reading that in my head, with emphasis.  Ta-Dow!  hahaha.

That's correct, sir.

Quoted from sniper The whole scene with Toshio and Jun just sorta pops up out of nowhere and it seems very staged. It was a damn cheap way of getting Grant out of the interrogation room and you should seriously have a look at this, cos' as it plays now it doesn't hold water.

I disagree. That whole conversation stems from what's actually going on in the scene. It seems like a stretch but if you follow the conversation, you'll see it's not and evolves naturally like any conversation. It's also true to life that these guys would be so desensitized to violence that they could talk about their sex lives while someone's being tortured.

Quoted from sniper You never explain what exactly happened to Yoshikazu and why he shot everybody in the beginning.

Not important. Even if I did explain why Yoshikazu did what he did (he disappeared afterwards BTW, that's definitely mentioned), it wouldn't change the plot at all. Besides, there's obviously a lot of talk about Yoshikazu and what kind of person he was. He's a scumbag. Whatever the reason for his betrayal was, it wasn't a good one. The way I always saw it, he wanted out, saw an opportunity, and took it. Still, not important.

Quoted from alffy Why does Tadao reel off a speech about hating Yoshinori to the gamler if he knows it could get him trouble, seems odd to me that.

The gambler's too chickenshit to say anything. Even if he did, it'd just make things worse for him, whether or not Yoshinori believes him.

Quoted from alffy What the hell's DDR?  Some dance machine I'm guessing.

Yup.

Quoted from alffy Maybe a stupid question but do all Yakuza dress the same, I only ask cos you say the Yakuza enter the club, do we know they're Yakuza?

It's the same as telling gangsters apart from businessmen, I'd say. The Yakuza are probably dressed a little better.

Quoted from alffy In the club when they are dumped by the girls they strop off in a huff with them, I wold have thought they would have stayed and tried their luck with some other girls?

Ramon might've thought that'd be a good idea but it's far too big a blow to Grant. He just wants to get out of there. I might throw in a line from Ramon before they leave in the rewrite though. Makes sense.

Quoted from Souter Fell Plus between the Japanese chicks random giggling and the lack of any alcoholic bevarage other than sake, it seemed heavy on stereotypes. If you're gonna set this in a foriegn land, show us something we haven't seen before. Might as well learn while we're there.

If I ever visit Japan, I'm drinking sake, probably in massive quantities. The Yakuza probably drink sake, also in massive quantities. Also, note the beer bottles on the table in the junkies' apartment.

As for the giggling, most of it is due to the fact that they're dooping these guys and the guys are walking right into it. Still, it's a little much, right? I'll try to cut down on some of it.

As for learning something, I'm not sure what you mean. I figured tourists aren't going to learn much about a foreign country after visiting it for the first time for only two weeks. The reader/viewer's experience should be the same. It's called Outsiders after all.

Quoted from Souter Fell The trick is to say the most with the least amount of words. And if done well, what is not said can be more powerful than what is.

That's good advice. Thanks, dude!

Quoted from James McClung I disagree. That whole conversation stems from what's actually going on in the scene. It seems like a stretch but if you follow the conversation, you'll see it's not and evolves naturally like any conversation. It's also true to life that these guys would be so desensitized to violence that they could talk about their sex lives while someone's being tortured.

True. I'm not disagreeing with the context of their discussion, but neither Toshio or Jun play a big part in the script - except for this one scene - and that's why it feels out of place IMO that you would suddenly concentrate a fairly long scene on them. Because, obviously, the only point of that scene was for them to get into a fight so that Grant could escape.

Correct me if I'm wrong about that scene.

Quoted from James McClung Not important. Even if I did explain why Yoshikazu did what he did (he disappeared afterwards BTW, that's definitely mentioned), it wouldn't change the plot at all. Besides, there's obviously a lot of talk about Yoshikazu and what kind of person he was. He's a scumbag. Whatever the reason for his betrayal was, it wasn't a good one. The way I always saw it, he wanted out, saw an opportunity, and took it. Still, not important.

Yoshikazu is pretty much the sole reason for everything that happens to Grant and Ramon, he's mentioned in nearly all the Yakuza scenes and he looms over this entire story. Without ever being shown in any scenes he actually plays a major part in the story. So to say his motives aren't important...

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from James McClung If I ever visit Japan, I'm drinking sake, probably in massive quantities. The Yakuza probably drink sake, also in massive quantities. Also, note the beer bottles on the table in the junkies' apartment... As for learning something, I'm not sure what you mean. I figured tourists aren't going to learn much about a foreign country after visiting it for the first time for only two weeks. The reader/viewer's experience should be the same. It's called Outsiders after all. That's good advice. Thanks, dude!

First off i want to thank you. While not scathing, my review wasn't very positive. You were professional enough to take it all as fair critism, which is hard sometimes, especially on a feature length that you've put almost a year into. That being said, let me expand on these two point:

As an ex Sailor and travel enthusist, I've been all over the world. While never visiting Japan, I have visited four Asian countries along. The point I wanted to make is that just 'cause a country has an identifiable drink doesn't mean everyone consumes it. Point in case, I don't remember seeing one person in Greece drinking ouzo. Also, sake's kinda nasty as it is, but that's neither here nor there.

What I meant about "learning something" is this. Everyone shares a common base perception of a place. and while that is a good point to jump off from, it would be more effective if you showed us something new. It's hard to find if you've never been to a place but with a little digging you can find it. Point in case, there are no strip bars in Hong Kong, but you can hardly find a bar on the main strip that don't have "working girls" waiting for you to come in an buy them thirty dollar drinks and maybe more. It's little things like that that add realism to a foriegn environment.

You can learn, or experience, a lot in a very short amount of time when it comes to culture shock. Anyway, hope some of this helps.

Quoted from sniper Because, obviously, the only point of that scene was for them to get into a fight so that Grant could escape.

Umm... yeah. I won't try to weasel my way out of that one. It seems to me that in the movies, people get out of these situations. Either they've got a piece of glass or something hidden up their sleave or some sort of Hostel type situation breaks out and they're able to escape. This is the case 95% of the time. It's lame. I wanted something different. I understand it's kind of random but in a way, it's much more realistic than if Grant was able to escape on his own terms. In real life, you probably couldn't escape a situation like this unless something unexpected happened amongst your captors.

The conversation itself isn't of major importance. It's really more of a breather from what's going on in the plot. I wanted it to be funny and disturbing at the same time. Still, it has to occur in order for Grant to escape. I don't think there's one scene in this script that I wasn't sure needed to be there.

Quoted from sniper Yoshikazu is pretty much the sole reason for everything that happens to Grant and Ramon, he's mentioned in nearly all the Yakuza scenes and he looms over this entire story. Without ever being shown in any scenes he actually plays a major part in the story. So to say his motives aren't important...

Yoshikazu is most definitely an important character. For a character who never shows up onscreen, he's nearly as developed as the rest of the characters. Still, whatever his motives are, they don't change what happens to Grant and Ramon, how it happens, or why it happens. They have no bearing over the story whatsoever. It's his actions that cause everything to happen, not the motives behind those actions. Nothing can justify his betrayal. His motives are meant to be a mystery to the Yakuza anyways. Still, from what you do know about Yoshikazu, you could probably get an idea about why he did what he did.

Quoted from Souter Fell First off i want to thank you. While not scathing, my review wasn't very positive. You were professional enough to take it all as fair critism, which is hard sometimes, especially on a feature length that you've put almost a year into. That being said, let me expand on these two point: As an ex Sailor and travel enthusist, I've been all over the world. While never visiting Japan, I have visited four Asian countries along. The point I wanted to make is that just 'cause a country has an identifiable drink doesn't mean everyone consumes it. Point in case, I don't remember seeing one person in Greece drinking ouzo. Also, sake's kinda nasty as it is, but that's neither here nor there. What I meant about "learning something" is this. Everyone shares a common base perception of a place. and while that is a good point to jump off from, it would be more effective if you showed us something new. It's hard to find if you've never been to a place but with a little digging you can find it. Point in case, there are no strip bars in Hong Kong, but you can hardly find a bar on the main strip that don't have "working girls" waiting for you to come in an buy them thirty dollar drinks and maybe more. It's little things like that that add realism to a foriegn environment. You can learn, or experience, a lot in a very short amount of time when it comes to culture shock. Anyway, hope some of this helps.

Somehow, I missed this before. Anyway, what you say makes sense. I'll take it into consideration. I have to admit I didn't research much about Japan itself although I've seen enough Japanese films to have a general idea of what it looks like in addition to photos of Tokyo taken by students studying abroad at my college (I took a class where we communicated with both the London and Tokyo campuses). It looks different, of course (it's on the other side of the world, after all), but not like how it's often portrayed in Hollywood. I did try to incorporate that into the script with Grant comparing Tokyo to NYC. I didn't want it to be what the characters expected. Having travelled quite a bit myself, I know most places aren't.

In any case, I appreciate the feedback. Thanks.

Here's the second part of my review James...

Grant's outburst to Ramon in the hotel room really cooked up the atmosphere, I could feel Ramon's difficult situation.

The restroom attack is nice and brutal - love it!

Bottom of page 44 you have EXT. STRIPCLUB - OFFICE, should be INT

Ramon seems a bit aggressive, calling the Yakuza 'motherf**cker'.  Surely he would be a little scared as to what's going on?  I guess it harps back to the hotel room scene where he came off as been a little hesitant in his replys to Grant's abusive behaviour.  If he's the tough man, I would have tought he wouldn't have been affriad to hurt Grant's feelings.

Ramon's change from hard man to not so hard man works well.

OH I got a thing about broken noses, they make me squirm so Tadao twisting Grants is uncomfortable to say the least!

Right 62 pages i and I'm liking it.  The torture scenes are nice and brutal and I'm itching to see what else will happen to Ramon and Grant.

I've been guessing a bit about the reasons behind Grants abduction but I'll keep them to myself at the moment.

Okay sorry for the delay James, had a family issue...

Loved the description of the eating of the cigarette.  Although if this is Tatsu, should you not introduce him as we know thats who Mikio went to pick up?

Oh I kind of understand why you delayed your introduction now, so you follow it with a description of tatsu.  By the way he looks/sounds cool.

The whole blood thickening injection is a nice original touch.

The dialogur between Toshio and Jun about Tatsu sounds to american.

I thought Grant was gonna be some super martial arts guy but nice to see he got his arse kicked by Mikio.

Love the death of Tatsu.

Why does Yoshinori save Grant, then immediately try to shoot him?  Satisfaction of killing him?

Right finished so final conclusion...

I really enjoyed the beginnig of this script, Grant and Ramon were great characters and the search for Grants parents was building a platform.  But the torture scene was a bit long winded, good though but the last third of the script seemed as though not much happened.  It didn't really match the first part.

I liked Tatsu but Tadao who seemed like a promonant character died without progressing to far as character.

I enjoyed this script as a whole but Grant being a Yakuza wasn't a huge surprise.  I'm not to sure why but the ending didn't match the great opening to the story.  The tension built but led only to a torture ending and mass slaughter.

Still good though.

MAJOR SPOILERS...

Thanks for the read, Alffy.

Quoted from alffy Ramon seems a bit aggressive, calling the Yakuza 'motherf**cker'. Surely he would be a little scared as to what's going on? I guess it harps back to the hotel room scene where he came off as been a little hesitant in his replys to Grant's abusive behaviour.  If he's the tough man, I would have tought he wouldn't have been affriad to hurt Grant's feelings.

I don't think the two scenes can be compared. I wouldn't say Ramon is afraid of hurting Grant's feelings so much as he's considering whether or not he's saying the right thing. Whether or not what Ramon says is correct, he knows nothing about how Grant feels in this situation and has to be careful not to strike a nerve. Obviously, he does. I don't think the conversation would be realistic otherwise. In any case, I think anyone might behave this way.

While he's being interrogated, Ramon is still a little drunk and not quite thinking straight. In any case, his character is a little reckless. I imagined he would shout and hurl insults in a situation like this so as not to appear weak. His restraint is weakened in his drunk state. Still, it's obviously a front, which is blown when Tadao gives him the exact response he demands. In reality, I think anyone would be scared in a situation like this.

Quoted from alffy The dialogur between Toshio and Jun about Tatsu sounds to american.

I thought a comment like this might pop up. Anyway, I've seen a lot of Japanese films and I've learned that the Japanese really don't speak that differently from people on the other side of the world. I think Hollywood just seems to suggest otherwise.

Quoted from alffy Why does Yoshinori save Grant, then immediately try to shoot him?  Satisfaction of killing him?

Yeah, kinda. I think he feels obligated to administer Grant's "punishment" personally. He doesn't intend to save him. It's more like he's stopping Toshio from interfering with his duty.

Quoted from alffy I liked Tatsu but Tadao who seemed like a promonant character died without progressing to far as character.

I think Tadao does progress as a character. He starts out as Yoshinori's bitter stooge who takes orders without question but before he dies, he finally is able to stand up for himself and demand some respect. Unfortunately for him, Yoshinori tells him exactly what he is afraid to hear. I figured this is the end of his character development. If Grant hadn't stabbed him, he would probably break down. I thought the former would be more depressing. Tadao is a very angry character but anger is a secondary emotion for him. What he really feels is inadequate and he dies fully realizing that.

This sort of leads me into your comments about the ending. Originally, I was going to have Tadao live and take over the clan by opted against it. I wanted Outsiders to be a tragedy in a very traditional sense. Three of the four main characters (the fourth being Ramon) are obsessed with blood (or to a broader extent, family) and end up being destroyed by those obsessions. Both Grant and Yoshinori search for lost blood and end up finding more than they can handle. Tadao demands acceptance into what can be viewed as a father/son relationship and also can't handle the reality of the situation. It seems like there isn't a lot going on in the end but there is. It's just a little more internal than most.

Also, I wanted a more realistic ending this time around. In reality, a foreigner in the hands of criminals would probably die even if he was somehow able to escape captivity. Hence, Grant dies.

When I said 'Tadao didn't progress as a character', I guess I didn't word that too well.  What I really mean was that he did evolve as a character but his conclusion was a bit dissapointing, maybe having him live would be good.

I also forgot Ramon was drunk, sorry bout that.  Grant dying was good, I hate the happy ending crap, you're right foreigners would probably be killed the Yakuza.

Hey James,

Finally got to finish the script. I enjoyed it especially for the characters. You really focused on the characters psychology expressed really lenghty in the dialgoue. Some people might have a problem with that, I didn't (I read alot of books, so...). And every character changed except for Grant's father who remained in the austere position.

What I found to be a bother was why didn't the Yakuza didn't grab Grant and Ramon outside when they were drunk?

And why didn't they check for the tattoos in the first place once they had Grant?

Hope this helps,
Gabe    

Thanks for the read, Gabe.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley What I found to be a bother was why didn't the Yakuza didn't grab Grant and Ramon outside when they were drunk?

They explain this, actually. They don't want to risk losing him again. They're in big trouble if they do. They also don't want to make a scene that could lead to Grant escaping. In any case, the Yakuza are actually pretty low key as far as their activities spilling into the public are concerned and they like it that way. They never intended to grab Ramon either. That's just how things turned out. If anything, they would have killed him if he tried to get in the way. Otherwise, they would have left him alone. The way I saw it, the Yakuza didn't even know if Ramon was actually with Grant so they never really paid him any mind. I might add something in regards to that in the rewrite (which is in progress right now).

Quoted from Mr.Ripley And why didn't they check for the tattoos in the first place once they had Grant?

Grant is obviously Yoshinori's blood and only three years apart from Yoshikazu. I figured the two would be virtually identical (which is part of the reason why Yoshikazu is never shown). The Yakuza wouldn't think to check him for tattoos. Grant tries to get them to check during his interrogation but Tadao dismisses his request as an attempt to get out of the chair and possibly escape.

Didn't you have another script that involved the Yakuza in the second half? did you write this because you had lots of left over ideas from the last Yakuza script you worked on?

Some of the dialouge for this script I had a big problem with. Those chunks where just way to big and it just got to a point where i just ignored them and moved on as all they  did was just apply brakes to the forward momentum of the story.


As far as I understand, the reason the dialogue was so chunky is cause it was just exposition to set up a reason why Grant was in Japan to look for real parents and Yakuza reason to mistake him for boss son.

Yeah sure I am only guessing as I didn?t read the big dialogue but I only say this cause I felt like something was missing while reading the first act in regards to the motivation and reason for searching for real parents.

Interestingly enough I skipped the big dialogue chunks and the story did not skip a beat.

I really enjoy the plot for this story and how you sort of string the reader along with the whole identity crisis situation. At first I really thought Grant was the lost son of Yakuza boss, that maybe he had a mind wipe or something, then I had doubts. The I thought maybe he must be the who the Yakuza think he is.

It was nice to be kept guessing.

Also how could anyone resist the whole tourist just want to have some Japanese fun vibe that quickly slide into hell.

This was a good idea- sort of like Japanese EL Marachi  -but let down by some heavy exposition dialogue.    

Thanks for the read, Glenn.

Yeah, Black Market originally featured Yakuza in its third act but fortunately, a couple people talked some sense into me. They're gone now. Still, I wanted to write a script about the Yakuza. In the beginning, I was going to carry some of the ideas from Black Market over to this one but I abandoned that approach a long time ago for the good of the script. Outsiders is completely fresh. The only concept that I carried over from Black Market was an interpretor character. Other than that, all these characters are new with more defined personalities. In the original draft of Black Market, the Yakuza were the "bad guys" through and through. In Outsiders, they're real people with their own thoughts and fears. They're still the antogonists but not the "bad guys" per se.

You're absolutely right about the chunky dialogue. I've read through the whole script again, cut down majorly on the dialogue, and broke it apart so it's easier to read. The same stuff is still there, it's just condensed, which is the way it should be. You are correct that the chunky dialogue is mainly exposition, which can explain why you felt something was missing. That stuff is supposed to be there.

Anyway, thanks again for the read.

James,

Gave this one a read today. I was pleasantly surprised. Your scripts keep getting better and better IMO.

You did good on this, I actually believed you had gone over there just to make things seem real.

I thought this one started out very well and caught my attention immediately. I can't remember everyone's Japanese names, but I was wondering what happened to the "first son" and why he did what he did.

It felt a little Hostel'ish at times with Grant and Ramon being the dimwit American tourists running into some of the locals and being made fun of... IMHO I think you should rewrite the whole part with the arcade and the girls. It doesn't really lead anywhere other than getting the Yakuzas to mistake Grant for "the first son". I think you can work out a better way, less dorky way to ackomplish that.

The dialogue was very good I thought. However there's way to much of it with nothing else going on, so it comes across as speaches, sort of. Let your carachters do something during these long segments to help break things up and add visual interest. I would even suggest checking out some of Phil's scripts. Especially Pugumentary. Little things that his carachters do during conversations that speak volumes. Often those little gestures say more than the dialogue itself.

The interrogation/torture scenes were fine, but could probably still be tightened some.

The ending was a let down to me. At first I was upset about Ramon's death. He didn't deserve that. He seemed like a nice guy. Then you kill off Grant too. It left the ending unsatisfactory to me. I think you should at least let Grant live... that's just me though.

Oh, you may want to check out the cellphone thing. I don't believe they were being used like that in -86, if there even were any at all.

To sum things up...I'm impressed that you keep churning out features. I believe you are getting better and better and I really did enjoy this one. it's not an entirely original idea, but it still held my interest. You were not heavy on action sequences this time which is good. I do think you can do some trimming however. Sharpen this one. Make it even better and change the ending.

Great job James!

Pia  8) 8) 8)

Thanks for the read, Pia.

Quoted from tomson It felt a little Hostel'ish at times with Grant and Ramon being the dimwit American tourists running into some of the locals and being made fun of... IMHO I think you should rewrite the whole part with the arcade and the girls. It doesn't really lead anywhere other than getting the Yakuzas to mistake Grant for "the first son". I think you can work out a better way, less dorky way to ackomplish that.

I thought the interaction with the girls was important. It puts Grant in a situation where he behaves not as a tourist and ends up with him being even more alienated than before. The Yakuza discovering him is only part of this segment.

I definitely didn't want this to turn out like Hostel. The Hostel guys were more fratboy party animals. These characters are a little more on the awkward side and kind of dorks (no fratboy is going to play DDR... sorry). I thought it was a refreshing change and I figured characters slightly less "cool" than the reader/audience would be a little more sympathetic.

Quoted from tomson The dialogue was very good I thought. However there's way to much of it with nothing else going on, so it comes across as speaches, sort of. Let your carachters do something during these long segments to help break things up and add visual interest. I would even suggest checking out some of Phil's scripts. Especially Pugumentary. Little things that his carachters do during conversations that speak volumes. Often those little gestures say more than the dialogue itself.

I was hoping it'd be a little while before anyone else read this considering I submitted a new draft about two days ago. The chunky dialogue has been cut down big time and split up with action and dialogue from the other characters to make it considerably more breezy. I definitely did a number on the dialogue. I think if you'd have read the new script, you wouldn't have mentioned the dialogue. You're right with this draft, in any case.

Quoted from tomson The interrogation/torture scenes were fine, but could probably still be tightened some.

You're probably right. I'll see what I can do.

Quoted from tomson The ending was a let down to me. At first I was upset about Ramon's death. He didn't deserve that. He seemed like a nice guy. Then you kill off Grant too. It left the ending unsatisfactory to me. I think you should at least let Grant live... that's just me though.

The ending is a major downer. I planned it that way. Obviously, it's not for everyone but it fits perfectly with the tone of the script and a logical conclusion to events. Outsiders is a tragedy. Not every ending is meant to make people feel good but this one's definitely meant to make people feel bad.

Quoted from tomson Oh, you may want to check out the cellphone thing. I don't believe they were being used like that in -86, if there even were any at all.

Definitely, definitely right. Will fix. Thanks!

Quoted from tomson To sum things up...I'm impressed that you keep churning out features. I believe you are getting better and better and I really did enjoy this one. it's not an entirely original idea, but it still held my interest. You were not heavy on action sequences this time which is good. I do think you can do some trimming however. Sharpen this one. Make it even better and change the ending. Great job James! Pia  8) 8) 8)

Thanks again for the read, Pia. Helpful as usual.

New draft is up. I haven't changed the story much. Most of my rewriting focus was on dialogue. I think it's a lot more "readable" now. I've also made a few minor adjustments to make things read smoother and a few embelishments to make things a little more interesting. Overall, a lot more easy to read. That's the main thing. I'm still open to comments and criticisms if anyone's interested.

even with the redraft I dont paticularly like the dialogue at the beginning for some reason its seems to planned. The dialogue after is fine I love the way you started the script very well -- my hat goes off to you for that.

You talkin to producers or litercists? If you have some contacts we can exchange them I am looking for some too.

Let me know

Quoted from spirrow even with the redraft I dont paticularly like the dialogue at the beginning for some reason its seems to planned. The dialogue after is fine I love the way you started the script very well -- my hat goes off to you for that. You talkin to producers or litercists? If you have some contacts we can exchange them I am looking for some too. Let me know

Fortunately, the dialogue in the beginning isn't the dialogue that was problematic. The dialogue after that was where the problem was. Had you read the first draft, you would have noticed. Believe me.

And no, I haven't been speaking to any producers. Not about Outsiders, anyway.

I started reading this because I go to Japan pretty often.  I like the country.

But the dialogue is just too over the top that it's distracting.  There is just too much profanity.

Check out the script for "Knocked Up."  The dialogue you're writing sounds like it's trying to be the dialogue from "Knocked Up," but it's just not working.

Please read it aloud.

tweak

Note: I did like how the dialogue was moving the story forward, so it's not completely horrible.  And DDR
          is a pretty dated video game even in Japan.  Jump on an airplane and go check out their arcades.

Thanks for the read, Tweak.

I'll take another look at the dialogue. This is the second time someone has had a problem with the profanity in one of my scripts (although the first time I've heard about excessive profanity in this script). The other script was littered with it and everyone seemed to be ganging up on it (for good reason). I've tried to clean things up (a little) since then and try to be more natural. Then again, profanity is natural for some people. As for Knocked Up, I definitely wasn't trying to emulate that dialogue. I've seen the film and almost immediately decided I would never want to hang out with these people in real life. Good flick though.

As for DDR being dated, that's a good point. I'll try to do some research and see if I can't come up with something better. Believe me, I'd love to visit Japan but that's definitely not happening anytime soon. I'm a college student. Money is tight.

Thanks again.

James-

When I read the logline to your script, I thought "Man, I'm going to hate this."  Not because it's a bad idea for a script, but because I usually dislike it when I read scripts about gangs, mafia, etc, etc.   Usually it comes off as just a piecing together or films they've seen in the past, with VERY unrealistic characters.

This, however, is not the case here.  I'm only up to page 24 here (usually I stop here and give some side notes before continuing), and I love everything with the Yakuza in it.

So much so, in fact, that I dislike when the script spends too much time on Ramon & Grant because I want it to cut back to them.  You've done a good job developing the characters, but I think you could lose a bit of the interactions between the two of them and get this thing moving a lot quicker.

For example, I thought that the interaction on the plane had just a bit too much exposition in it.  And perhaps if you just balanced it with more cuts back to the Yakuza, it wouldn't feel too long.  For example, I thought the DDR montage was horribly out of place, and I think you could benefit from cutting away from that and then cutting back just as they are finishing.

Even the club scene seemed a bit too long.  I think they should get there, be ditched immediately, so we can get to the meat of the story (the Yakuzas spotting them).

One other note is that I found the exchange between Tadou and the gambler to be a bit unrealistic.   I don't know if he would just spill his guts like that.  It would seem more believable if he just carried on, pulled him out of the car and threatened him.  Just my opinion.

Sorry if it seems like I'm being too critical.  I really like the story.  I'll keep reading, but I just wanted to make some initial notes.

Quoted from dresseme I dislike when the script spends too much time on Ramon & Grant because I want it to cut back to them.  You've done a good job developing the characters, but I think you could lose a bit of the interactions between the two of them and get this thing moving a lot quicker.

I think you might be right. I spent a lot of time planning out the scenes with Grant and Ramon but I have to admit, there's still some filler in there and even without it, I think maybe there could be a little more Yakuza action going on in there. I'll see what I can do.

Glad you like the script so far and that you didn't find it contrived like so many other crime scripts. Hope you like the rest of it. I think it's very different from what someone might expect based on the logline.

Ok, just finished it up.

All in all, I enjoyed the script, but I have a few comments to make.

First off, I think Grant should go to Japan with some intent on seeking out his parents.  It just seems to come out of nowhere.  I understand he was upset, but it seemed like finding his parents wouldn't come out of what happened to him at the club.

When the thugs let Ramon live in the bathroom, I was pretty pissed off.  I thought you had let a perfectly good opportunity slip by to kill him and have it be very shocking.  But then I read on....   his other death is MUCH more shocking, and left a bigger impression.  I would, however, create some other reason (other than he called out his name) that they let him live.  Like, someone was coming and so they had to get out of there, or something.  It just seemed unbelievable.

The more I read about Tadou's character, especially with his violent tendencies with that businessman, the more I thought back to him and the gambler.  Like I said previous, I think I'd like to see him rough him a up just a bit as a threat.  It might also show him trying to attain some of the power he craves.

The whole dialogue on p.73 and on about pussy seems REALLY out of place.   I think you need to generate a better way for Grant to escape.  It not only seems way to convenient, but WAY too Tarentino-esque.

Usually, I can tell when I'm reading a good script because I stop taking notes.  For this, I stopped taking notes because I didn't want to stop and just wanted to know how it would end.  And it ended great..very tragically, yet satisfying.  Good read.

Thanks for the read, Dressel. I'm glad you liked it.

Quoted from dresseme The more I read about Tadou's character, especially with his violent tendencies with that businessman, the more I thought back to him and the gambler.  Like I said previous, I think I'd like to see him rough him a up just a bit as a threat.  It might also show him trying to attain some of the power he craves.

The more and more I think about it, the more I'm convinced the scene with Tadao and the gambler in the car doesn't work. I may just chuck it all together. Later scenes reaffirm from Tadao himself says in the scene, albeit in a less direct way but that's probably better. I think instead, I'll have him take a more active role in the gambler's beating and perhaps give him some lines to further emphasize his desire for leadership and respect.

Quoted from dresseme The whole dialogue on p.73 and on about pussy seems REALLY out of place.   I think you need to generate a better way for Grant to escape.  It not only seems way to convenient, but WAY too Tarentino-esque.

I don't think it's out of place per se but I think it could use a better transition. It doesn't sort of sneak up on you even though it's sort of a logical progression of conversation. I won't lose it though. I actually think this escape is considerably less cheap than what usually happens in the movies, let alone much less cliche. The conversation, I think is somewhat realistic; these guys would be desensitized enough to have the conversation after working in this business so long. I don't think it's Tarantino-esque. I do recall the famous "foot massage" convo in Pulp Fiction but there've been plenty of similar conversations in crime films. I tried to put my own twist on this one. Also, Tarantino's conversations are meant to be clever and funny while this one was meant to be disturbing considering the context the Yakuza are having it in. There is definitely some dark humor in there though.

Thanks again for the read.

Hey James, I finally got around to taking a look at this, from the title I was waiting for Ponyboy, Dallas, Sodapop, and Two-Bit to show up, but this is nothing like that outsiders.

Anyways onto your story.  I think that this is a subject matter you love a lot and understand very well, you know this stuff way more than I do so I don't think on those grounds I have anything to say that would help cause chances are I'd be wrong....hahaha, but I'll go into the other stuff.

I kinda had a problem when we meet Grant and Ramon, their conversation seems just to be for the viewers sake cause I think the dialogue about Grant being adopted and his feelings about that would have happened long ago, I don't think after knowing each other as long as they have that conversation would just all of a sudden come up, it is good information but maybe it should be revealed at another time to a different person, maybe with Suki and Sakura, where it is now it feels like it's there just for info and it didn't feel natural, at least to me, in fact the first few pages with Grant and Ramon seems like all explanation with the Yakuza, I think it would be better for that stuff to come up later in the story, at first we should just get to know these two as friends, so that when these two get caught up in their situation we know them and how they relate to each other, and there is some of that in the beginning, maybe just take out some of the explanation that are given in those pages and focus on their relationship, all that other stuff can come up later, and the Bro remarks are a little too much I think, maybe here and there, just not as much as there is right now.

HAHA, i love DDR, best work out you can have, it's so addictive, nice to see it make an appearance here..

I liked what you did with the Japanese characters, I think this is your strong point and you know this very well and they seem believable in this crime world.

TADAO (JAPANESE)
He’s from the West. That’s for sure.
He could be Canadian but with that
attitude, I’d say he’s an American.

HAHA great line :D

The line on page 55 "He says I’ll never what you were
to him."  I think you meant  "He says I’ll never BE what you were
to him."

Tatsui is one creepy bastard, I like his tongue, still no match for Jack Bauer in the interrogation department though :P

I liked the ending even though it is a bit down beat it had the feel to Asian cinema, at least the few Asian films that I have seen.

All in all I liked the story and you are well versed in this type of material, I think some of the dialogue needs to be taken out when it gets too explanatory.  It had some good gore and the last act was suspenseful.  G0od work.

Thanks for the read, Jordan.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I kinda had a problem when we meet Grant and Ramon, their conversation seems just to be for the viewers sake cause I think the dialogue about Grant being adopted and his feelings about that would have happened long ago, I don't think after knowing each other as long as they have that conversation would just all of a sudden come up, it is good information but maybe it should be revealed at another time to a different person, maybe with Suki and Sakura, where it is now it feels like it's there just for info and it didn't feel natural, at least to me, in fact the first few pages with Grant and Ramon seems like all explanation with the Yakuza, I think it would be better for that stuff to come up later in the story, at first we should just get to know these two as friends, so that when these two get caught up in their situation we know them and how they relate to each other, and there is some of that in the beginning, maybe just take out some of the explanation that are given in those pages and focus on their relationship, all that other stuff can come up later, and the Bro remarks are a little too much I think, maybe here and there, just not as much as there is right now.

Most of this, you're probably right about. I definitely thought about the fact that some of this would have been discussed earlier in the friendship. I'll have to do some work to make it come off a little more natural. I realize now I sometimes have a problem with being too upfront with characters thoughts and emotions. I'm still working on making it seem more natural and less "movie-ish." At the same time, the adoption thing is a little tricky. I'm not exactly sure how much these guys would have discussed it before. Grant is loosely based on someone I know and although we don't talk about the adoption issue that much, it sort of pops up every once and a while in a similar manner. Still, the conversation's first and foremost for the audience's benefit. I'll try to fix it. The Yakuza conversation is the same but I thought it was a little more natural.

Quoted from The boy who could fly Tatsui is one creepy bastard, I like his tongue, still no match for Jack Bauer in the interrogation department though :P

Tatsu's one of the top interrogators in the world, not the top, neccesarily. Jack Bauer's gotta be up there somewhere. He's gotta be if he wants to take out terrorists, haha. But yeah, I basically wanted him to be the master torturer, which is why none of the torture is actually shown. If it's conceivable, he's not as scary and I wanted him to be scary. He's probably one of my favorite characters I've ever written so far.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I liked the ending even though it is a bit down beat it had the feel to Asian cinema, at least the few Asian films that I have seen.

Thanks. Before now, I'm been too much of a pussy to kill off all of my main characters but not anymore. I was definitely going for something really horrible in the end, like in the Korean and Japanese movies I love so much. Americans don't have the guts to go to the places they do nowadays. I'm glad I was able to pull this one off.

Thanks again.

I'm in the process of rewriting all of my old features in between writing new ones (except for Kiss of the Locust and Black Market which both suck). It's an interesting experience going back to something you wrote years ago and bringing your present experience to it and making it even better. I recommend everyone try it at least once. There's nothing to be lost in doing so as it only strengthens your body of work.

Outsiders is the third script to get bumped and the most drastically rewritten. In the past two and a half years, I've rewritten it at least eight times. In that time, I actually visited Japan and rewrote the entire first act to make it more authentic. Additionally, almost a 100% of the dialogue has been rewritten or altered in someone. The old draft had a lot of subterfuge in the dialogue department and is now 8 pages lighter.

Anyone care to take a look at an old but no longer crusty Yakuza thriller?

Page 1 of 2

PDF page 9/ Script page 7
GRANT
Yeah. The Yakuza are basically the
Japanese version of Goodfellas.

Shorten to "Yeah. The Yakuza are Japanese mobsters."

Sometimes they even have to cut their fingers off.

Remove the word "their".

INT. YOSHINORI’S OFFICE - NIGHT
The gambler lies slumped in a chair across from Yoshinori.
Tadao stands behind him.

The gambler lies slumped, bleeding in a plastic draped chair across from Yoshinori.
Tadao stands behind him.

PDF page 10/script page 9
The gambler takes the dagger and grits his teeth as he
reluctantly cuts off the tip of his finger.

Which finger? Pinkie? How much? Like... a quarter inch? Above/below the nail? the knuckle?

PDF page 13/script page 12
But I don’t wanna get lost drunk
in Shinjuku. We can’t even read the
street signs sober, remember?

Cut "remember" and make it a statement.

GRANT
Sounds good, I guess.
RAMON
Word.

Ramon should inappropriately use the one d@mn Japanese word he's learned tonight: Kampai.

PDF 30/ script 29 and I'm getting bored with the build up.
33/32: still bored.
41/40: boring. I liked the psycho killer BS of "Complete" better than this by this many pages in. By now you woulda spent a lot more money on actors, sets and locations.

44/43
Mikio pulls out a pistol and
points it at him. Ramon freezes.
Mikio laughs and puts the pistol away.

Mikio isn't such a bad guy.
Let him off the chain a little.
"Mikio pulls his pistol and snaps it to Ramon's temple, pushes hard. Ramon's head arcs back. Mikio repositions the barrel to Ramon's neck. Ramon squirms some. The pistol pulls down to Ramon's gut. Ramon looks up increasingly uncomfortable with this. Mikio pushes the barrel down into Ramon's groin, jabs lightly a few times. Ramon grunts in protest.
Mikio laughs and puts the pistol away."

50/49
TADAO (JAPANESE)
You should be less than a ghost in
Tokyo. But not a day has gone by when
your father hasn’t said your name. Ever
since you disappeared, I’ve been living
constantly in your shadow.

Tadao kicks Grant repeatedly in the stomach.

TADAO (JAPANESE)
I’ve been nothing but loyal to your
father and still, he compares me to
you. He says I’ll never be what you
were to him. You’ve been a thorn in my
side since you’ve been gone.

FINALLY! I'm enjoying the vitriol Tadao has to dump onto Yoshikazu/Grant.
FWIW, the "mistaken identity" BS isn't working for me, even though I know how this ends.

52/51
Tadao lets go of Grant’s nose and wipes his hand off on his
suit jacket.

Wipes Yoshikazu/Grant's blood onto Yoshikazu/Grant's shirt shoulder or in his hair.
Why on Earth would Tadao wipe Yoshikazu/Grant's nose blood onto his own suit?

TADAO
I know it’s you, Yoshikazu. Behind the
blood, the bruises and the English,
you’re the same.
(in Japanese)
The same spoiled little shit. The same
crazy son of a bitch who did whatever
he wanted because Daddy was the boss.
Because Daddy made anyone who stood up
to him disappear.

Okay, Tadao is just flippin' out, now.
Dude already told him twice by now he has no Yakuza tats, but T doesn't even look.
He just keeps hurting "this guy", bitching about his own issues with the boss' kid.

54/53
Tadao turns and stalks out of the room.

WTH kinda pointless intel gathering BS was that?
That was totally unprofessional and just stupid.
(Not your writing. The character. The character is being stupid - or else I'm just plain evil as sin.)

55/54
TADAO (V.O.) (JAPANESE)
I’ve got two guys tied up here and they
don’t feel like talking. I think they
need a little persuading.
HOTAKA (JAPANESE)
Looking for manpower, eh? Who do you
want me to send over?

It's about GD time Tadao asked for help because he sure as h#ll don't know what he's doing.

59/58
TADAO (JAPANESE)
You better not be late, Mikio. Tatsu
waits for no one. You don’t want to see
what happens when he loses patience.

Change second sentence to "You wouldn't want him to hear that it was you that made him wait."

TADAO (JAPANESE)
Go. Now! "To the warehouses."

62/61: Tatsu's a fuhhh-reek.

67/66: Begins a nice seguay from Tatsu's torture into a fight. Nicely done!

69/68
RAMON
He’s adopted from Japan! He doesn’t
know his parents! He doesn’t know who
they are!

Didn't Tatsu squirt a syring full of mystery sh!t INTO Ramon's tongue back on page 65/64?
Yup: A raspy gurgle escapes Ramon’s throat as Tatsu injects the syringe’s contents into his tongue.
Ramon won't be talking intelligible sh!t like "He's adopted from japan!" with his tongue full of mystery sh!t.

Page 2 of 2

71/70
TADAO (JAPANESE)
Fuck it. He doesn’t know anything—
Tatsu abruptly jerks his head to the side and grabs Tadao
in a chokehold. He snarls and extends his forked tongue.
Mikio recoils.

Okay, this doesn't make sense and you break back to INTERROGATION RM 1 before it does make sense. (And it never really does.)
By the time we get to page 72/71 and we have "Grant slices a hole in the wall and peers through. Tadao and Tatsu proceed down the hallway beyond. Grant lies flat on his back." I'm wondering WTH was THAT back in INTERROGATION RM 2?
Elucidate better or cut.

73/72: There's no real goal to this little story than just survival, right?

Mikio spins around. In three consecutive movements, he
blocks Grant’s blow, twists his arm around and knees him in
the stomach. Mikio strikes so fast, the switchblade flies
out of Grant’s hand and lands at the same time he falls.

LOL! Dude! You're f#cked!
You can't even stab a kneeling man in his back. FAIL!

Mikio swoops down upon him and grabs him in a
chokehold.

Don't all these Yakuza welps have pistols?
Shoulda shot the MFer in the knee or something. Quit with this pansy-a$$ choking sh!t.
To restrain someone grab them by the wrist and yank that hand across the opposite shoulder blade.
B!tch, you're owned.

75/74
TADAO (JAPANESE)
That’s it! The boss said not to do any
permanent damage but he didn’t say
anything about leaving marks. I’m
taking no chances this time. Tatsu, I’ll
need your skills once again, if you
please. The rest of you, help me.

That's a lot of blabbing to do while you're hog wrestling some bloody guy on the floor.

81/80
TADAO
You were born three years after
Yoshikazu. Yoshinori wanted you to grow
up to be a Yakuza just like your
brother and you would have, if only
your mother hadn’t got in the way.

CUTE!
Not worth the miserable journey, but still... it's clever. I like it.
The long lost son, hidden away by the boss' scared or pissed off wife.

88/87
A strand of sinew stretches from the
inside his body to the tip of the blade.

Ditch that. Complete BS.

89/88
A click. The pistol magazine falls to the floor. Tatsu
expels a wheeze from a toothy crooked grin and tosses the
weapon aside.

WTH kind of pistol has the magazine eject button anywhere near where someone's going to accidently punch it?
Additionally, these kinda people carry their pistols hot with "One in the pipe", meaning even with an ejected mag there's still a chambered round to be fired.

90/89
Tatsu leaps on top of the glass table and swings at Grant
from above as he attempts to crawl out from under it.
Grant rolls onto his back so he can view Tatsu from
underneath the glass. Tatsu scrapes the katana across it in
a mocking fashion.

That's some freaky tough-a$$ glass on that table!

91/90
Grant notices a pistol stuffed in the side of Tatsu’s
pants. He grabs it and shoves Tatsu off of him.

Time out. Tatsu accidently ejects the magazine from one pistol, starts hacking away at Grant with the katana, all the while he has a second pistol in the side of his pants? Pfft! Dumba$$.
Also, with all of these gunshots and commotion there aren't like a bazillion Yakuza underlings just milling about outside the office?
WTH are they doing?

Yoshinori rolls onto his back and attempts another shot at Grant.

Hmm... Dad shoots lizard freak to save long lost son... Cool. THEN starts shooting at long lost son? Hmmm...nya. Nope.

92/91
Grant fires first. The bullets tear into Jun. He falls to
the floor, dead.

Only in Hollywood would a beat up rook have a one shot, one kill.

Grant turns his pistol on Toshio who already has him in his
sights. Toshio fires skillfully and nails Grant with each
shot.

Sh!t, Grant. WTH kinda plan was that, anyway? Dumba$$.

Toshio’s head explodes in a cloud of blood and brains. His
body falls to the floor.
Yoshinori holds a smoking pistol at the bottom of the
staircase.
... blah, blah, blah...
Yoshinori cocks the pistol. Grant shuts his eyes.
Yoshinori shoots Grant in the head, tosses the pistol aside
and proceeds toward the staircase.

Just can't let someone else do your own dirty work, eh?
Gotta shoot your own son before some other dumba$$ does. Okey doke.
Also, if Dad just poped a cap in Toshio's head he doesn't have to cock the pistol AGAIN. Revolver or semi-auto.

THE END.

Thank God.

This was just an exercise in misery.
It would be a very expensive gore film to shoot simply for the number of locations and the number of actors required.
It's not really all that great.
I see MUCH more potential with "Complete".
I wouldn't spend another minute correcting any of the above suggestions.
Copy & Paste my comments into a word processor file, save it along with your file of "Outsiders"
Keep for spare parts.
I don't see how this can be tweaked to make anything reasonable.
Sorry.

That and a buck thirty-eight will get you a coke outta the machine! HA!

Thanks for reading, dude. Sorry you didn't like it. I don't think it's unsalvageable by any means though. "Complete" is a much better script and by miles (maybe not lightyears and but certainly miles). You're right about that. This one isn't without its kinks either. I wrote it three years ago and I think I've only just gotten really, really good at writing so I went back and rewrote it. I think it's getting there and will be really good given a few more drafts. Again, you've addressed some important issues in logistics that I missed the last time around. I'll take care of them when I get the chance.

Indeed, this would be an expensive script to shoot but I wasn't concerned about that when I wrote it. I can write features fairly quickly (I've written twelve in five years) so I can alternate between frivolous scripts and more budget-conscious ones without really wasting my time. Lately, I've tried to stick to being budget-conscious. But who knows? If I get lucky and things work out for me, I could always shoot this one myself. Or maybe the right person might just happen upon it. I've got no problem with stockpiling scripts. I've got plenty others that don't have the same economic issues as this one.

I found this in the “Scripts you have posted” thread.  I was looking for something on page 1 and this was the first one to stand out.  It’s a shame it’s dated, but I decided to read it anyway.  I like gangster stuff.  So having finished it, I have to say I wasn’t all that into the gangster stuff in this story.  These Yakuza soldiers felt foolish, not realistic, or convincing.  Their dialogue felt too plain, and the only time I had a sense of “truthfulness” or real humor to them, was when the two Yakuzas were talking about Tatsu’s tongue and how it would probably fair well in eating pussy.  But then even that scene seems like it was set up as a reason for them to be distracted long enough for Grant to make an escape.  In my opinion, the script falls a part once Grant and Ramon are captured and tortured.  Ramon’s death was a shocker, but it was right, it was realistic, and logical.  There was no way he was walking out of that situation and it would have been a slap in our faces if he had.  The same goes for Grant, whether he was so-and-so’s or what’s-his-name’s son, he wasn’t walking either, so it was a relief that you wrote the ending the way you did otherwise I wouldn’t have bought it.  

Anyway, as for my positive side:  I liked Grant and Ramon.  Grant’s story was intriguing and Ramon was a funny buddy/sidekick.  I liked following them around, and I wanted to see what would happen with Suki and Sakura.  They seemed cute and likeable right off the bat, but you rip them from the story and they’re never to be seen again.  I was hoping they would show up later, but no dice.  In the end, I think I would have liked this way more if we took out the whole gangster element altogether.  I think Suki and Sakura should be made into main characters -- hot ones, at that -- and Suki could help Grant find out the truth and Sakura can make it with Ramon.  Anyway, that’s what I think, hope it was informative.

Hey reaper. Thanks for reading.

I think most, if not all of your comments are spot on. I haven't looked at this one since the last rewrite and as such, I've gained substantial distance between the script and myself to objectively say... it's not very good. Bad, even.

It's taken me some time to get the hang of dialogue, specifically dialogue that comes off as natural, and some might argue I still haven't. I think here, it's always been clumsy and my attempts to smooth it over have likely resulted in blandness rather than improvement. I haven't looked at the script since reading your review but I would count on it, regardless.

I'm glad you liked the "pussy eating" bit but I expect it is the distraction you say it is. This was one of my first scripts where the dialogue wasn't inherently based on plot development. There was a lot of emphasis put on illustrating inner conflict and, at times, levity, as was the case here. It was a two fold challenge of making the scenes work in and of themselves as well as fitting them into the story in a way that doesn't feel awkward. I think generally, it didn't come out too well though the script was an unparalled learning experience for me; I tried a lot of new things and learned why I was doing them wrong.

I'm sort of surprised you liked the characters as much as you did (that is to say, at all). I feel like in earlier drafts, Grant wasn't a likeable character at all. I mean, his situation is sympathetic but initially, he came off almost constantly dejected and hopeless. I think as Ramon was meant to counter Grant's character, perhaps he came off too much in the opposite direction. I'm not sure how well they've developed overtime. I'd like to think Grant's become more pallatable but like the dialogue, maybe he ended up just a muted version of his earlier incarnation.

That said, I'm glad you liked the Suki/Sakura segments. Those bits were fun to write. I think the first act could've easily gone off in an entirely different direction like a hipster dramedy or something. I'd love to write something else in Japan so perhaps looking back into some of the flavors that came out of this might be worth doing.

As for the gangster stuff, yeah, I suppose it's not great. I love the character of Tatsu, I love the setting, and I think there're some great gore bits but overall, none of it really meets my standards anymore. I'm currently developing another gangster script based off some of the ideas/themes in this script. It'll be set in America though and will be a totally different story.

Anyway, I always appreciate people reading my scripts, even if they're old and crusty. Let me know if you've got any features you'd like checked out.

Thanks again!

Haha, good stuff.  I had a list of other scripts I took down from that thread, and it looks like you might get another read (with Love you to death) because sniper’s The Thing, Deliverance, and Escape from the Killing Fields keep giving me errors and don’t show up.  I don’t know why.  I guess the threads were deleted.

Yeah, I mucho liked Grant, Ramon, and Suki and Sakura.  They were great.  You could have done a lot with them.  You could still have the gangster element if you want, but you’re definitely going to have to work on that part of the story.  I’m interested in your new gangster script and I’ll be the first one you send it to when it’s done, make sure!  It seems that you’re fascinated by the subject of the Yakuza.  That’s nice.  I wrote a script where the Yakuza went to war with the Italian mob.  I thought it was pretty sick, but the overall script lacked heart.  I deleted it.  I want to re-do it from scratch -- but for right now it’s on the back burner as I’m working on something else -- and since you are into the Yakuza, I’ll send it your way when I finally get back around to it.