The Last Bus by Brian Kiernan (Atra Cornix) - Short, Drama - Three teenage thugs take a bus ride home.  They subject the other passengers to a journey from hell, but are they the only criminals on the bus? 14 pages - doc, format 8)

No one seems to have commented, so i guess i'll give it a whirl.

The opening sequence to me feels a bit awkward. Instead of saying "Three males are standing at the bus stop."  say   three males stand at the bus stop.   You continue to say "They are scruffily dressed as stereotypical “hoodies”. " ----what exactly is a "hoodie"? My guess it's a guy wearing a hood lol.

Now ... i've never heard anybody say "Gimme a fag mate." ... "hello darling" in my years. Is there some sort of time period reference i'm missing? Maybe i should just catch up on my  slang .. the point is that you assume that your readers know your slang. On that note, how do i know they're drinking cheap cider?? Show, don't tell my friend.

"They are acting aggressively and boisterously due to the cheap cider they are drinking."

No reason to have this in the short.

Wow, there is a midway point with a hell of a lot of description for me to read. Do you seriously want your readers to read those paragraphs, especially after all those "lovely" things your characters have said?

This could use some work. But I'd love to read more of what you've done. Help you out in any way possible. You obviously have a point of view, so keep writing. Good luck with everything.

I think Brits are the ones who refer to cigs as "fags". It's a matter of the area you live in. Not everyone here is from the U.S.

As a British guy in his 20s, a lot of that dialogue rang quite true for me.

Not that I speak like that, just that I know / have overheard a lot of people that do. Though I'm not sure they'd be hoodies. when I picture them in my head I get: late teens, clothes covered in labels, hair gelled-up to almost an inch of its life, prominent jewellery... Hoodies tend to be quieter - hence the desire to hide their faces.

Maybe we just get a better (or should that be worse?) clase of pond-scum where I live. :)

The action in the middle of the script does need to be broken up. Maybe put some dialogue in to do so?

I also thought that the bus driver meekly getting off the bus jarred. Why isn't he more concerned about what's happening? Even if the police don't hold him responsible (he should've radioed in the trouble), the bus company would probably fire him. Maybe he knows that the elderly gent (who really should have a name) can smooth things out for him? Some dialogue on that would be nice.

Hi Brian;

This was alright, although the formatting was a bit off standard with the double spaces.

Got the British flavor pretty quick, and thought the dialogue was pretty good in that context.

Not sure why the old guy was so connected with the suited Goons...Old School Mobster, maybe, but then he would probably not have taken the bus in the first place.

Liked the nature of his speech to the punks about mucking about. True words, there. Suggest breaking it up with some action, though, as it runs a little long.

Good luck!

Joe

Hi guys

I would like to thank you all for reading.  It's my first attempt at scriptwriting so I appreciate any feedback.

Couple of things to apologise for though.  Firstly, I haven't had time to read any scripts or put down any feedback but I promise as soon as I have time I will read as many as I can.

Secondly, I forgot this was a worldwide site so I apologise for any colloquialisms in the dialogue.

I look forward to reading your scripts and hopefull providing you guys with some feedback.