Double Carnage by Zack Akers (Zack Akers) and Robert Skotte (sniper) - Short, Horror - Evil Shall Make Every Knee Bow -- Three bank robbers on the run come face to face with one man's thirst for revenge.  Two families on vacation stop for a bite to eat at the wrong town. Two shorts: Twice the horror - Twice the carnage. 71 pages - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for posting this, Don.

Another thanks from me Don. Rob, i love the poster!

~Zack~

Hey Zack,

Here's my review of 'EVIL' BWUAHAHAHA!

SPOILERS BELOW

I really like the premise here, the ol' revenge theme is always nice. Sure, it's been done before but I liked the fact that Burt (and Mable to a certain extent) is just your everyday farmer and not some hard boiled tough guy, that gives the story an edge. I also like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre feel you give it with the SUPER in the beginning.

I think you rushed it a bit in the first scene with Burt and Mable. The love was there, no doubt, but they sorta came off as a couple of teenagers. I think you could extend that scene a bit and really show the love these two feel for each other. It's not an easy gig to do (especially without it getting all sugarcoated) but I think it'll tie up the story better.

The same thing goes for Burt. The way he reacts when he's told that Mable has been killed seemed very robotic in a way. You should make him more human, maybe add a scene when he is in his truck (just before he rams the robbers), where he totally comes apart with grief. My view on him, is that he's one of those strong silent types that likes to be alone with their grief, and if my take on him is correct then I think you should show this.

This will also help, I think, when he catches Megan and Brett. Cos' as it stands now, it is Burt who comes across as evil and not the robbers. Unless that was your intention...?

Speaking of the robbers, I thought that you captured Brett really well (also Meghan but at a lesser extent). He's clearly the boss of the three and - dare I say it - the brains. So very well done there. I don't know - I was kinda hoping it would be Brett who got the royal treatment from Burt and not Meghan (although she should also meet her maker in a grueling fashion). Lenny was a little too pussy for my taste, obviously he was a kind of "voice of reason" but I think you could tone him down a little without losing that.

The last act - at the farm house - needs a little more tempo. It's basically just Burt killing defenseless people and that also makes him kinda unlikeable. I think a good chase scene would work, let one of the robbers get away (for a while). That will highten the tension of the entire act - it's a little too static as it is now.

The gore is great! The exposed skull and the barbedwire is really disgusting - way to go!!! ;D

I think your writing is getting better and better as is your storytelling. There are a couple of instances were you use passive verbs as opposed to active but it's small stuff.

All in all a quick and enjoyable read. Keep it up.

Cheers
Rob

Well, I guess I'll try to review this as separate scripts.

Evil

I can't say I dug it. I don't even think it even qualifies as a revenge flick, just torture-porn. Basically a long killing scene with a weak plot in front. Here's a couple of points:

These three robbers seem to have no connection at all. I guess Brett would be the brains of the group but it's not much of a competition. Why are the only discussing this bank robbery on the way. Wouldn't they at least plan this out with more than a half a mile warning. And Brett being the one that does the talking? Brett actually says three sentences to the bank staff and customers. I can deal with Lenny being remorseful because it's an attempt at a 3 dimensional character,but then in the next scene all of that is thrown out the window. This isn't even the biggest problem.

Burt is. Burt and his 180 degrees, zero to sixty turn around from lovable ol' codger to Wolf Creek. The serendipidious crash was unbelievable enough, but then he starts feeding people their ears and taking weed wackers to their faces.

This is not a style complaint. Don't get me wrong. Everything in its right place. But the turn is unbelievable especially when you consider how much better it could have been. Instead of dealing with someone grieving, the conlict of revenge vs morality, all the juicy dramatic elements that make up a good story, you have Burt turn immediatly into a totally groutesque cliche revenge maniac who tries to come up with the most vile way to kill the girl. That is where I find this to be a failure. Sorry but seeing that you've been here a while, I hope you can take this critism in context.

Also, typo's abound. Proof read PLEASE. Ex: when you introduce a principle character, spell their name correctly (Maegan). Also, as you proof read, at least read your dialogue aloud. It will help you identify what is just bad.

Thanks for the reads guys.

Sniper, I'm glad you were able to enjoy it. No, i didn't want Burt to seem evil, but I did want yo to feel bad for the real bad guys(the robbers). Did you?

Souter Fell, i appreciatte the critism. I understand that the story may be a little hard to grasp considering the ultraviolence in the last half, but I'm confused that you found so much of it to be unbelievable. The car crash scene was totally possible. Burt himself is a very mysterious character. His love for Mable is so strong that when he accidently stumbles upon her greedy killers, he loses it.

Again, thanks for the reads!

~Zack~

Every Knee Shall Bow

I like it. Not the biggest fan of the genre but this was done very well. You had an actual story going on sub plot. I like how you switched the team ups. Dani and the mom, Dani and the dad, then Dani and Lucas. You dealt with the simultaneous action nicely. Just a couple of minor gripes.

What was Lucas doing during the first kitchen fight? Seems odd he didn't hear the melee.

Also, what was the connection between Earl and family and the rest of the town. I thought maybe he was the only food source and that's why he was leading them. If that was so, I would have liked to see something where he's holding back on them with the food situation and then the last scene take place where the many corpses are hung. That would have fully justified the towns peoples turns.

All in all a real good job. No real new territory being explored her but you definetly feel comfortable and work well in this genre. By far the stronger of the Double Carnage Grindhouse feature. Good show.

Hey Souter Fell,

Thanks for the read and review.

Quoted from Souter Fell What was Lucas doing during the first kitchen fight? Seems odd he didn't hear the melee.

You're right. Obviously he would. Maybe the scene in the kitchen runs a little too long for him to stay outside, but everything that happens in the kitchen, the basement and the diner takes place concurrently and I felt that, if I skipped back and forth between the different scenes, then the reader would lose track of what was going on. I could probably put in a cut-scene where Lucas heads for the kitchen and then is interrupted by the people outside.

Quoted from Souter Fell Also, what was the connection between Earl and family and the rest of the town.

Yes, this wasn't explained properly. I wanted Earl to come across like a tyrant that, mainly because of his two sons, was able to keep a firm grip on the townspeople, and by removing the sons it left Earl wide open for attack. Plus, it leaves room for a prequel.

Quoted from Souter Fell All in all a real good job.

Glad you liked it.  :)

Just one question Souter Fell, what did you think about the pacing.? I was a bit worried that it would come across too slow. What are your feelings on this matter?

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from Zack No, i didn't want Burt to seem evil, but I did want yo to feel bad for the real bad guys(the robbers). Did you?

Hey Zack,

No I didn't really feel sorry for her I gotta admit. She was sorta a crackhead and a golddigger so I can't say I felt sorry for her when Burt tore her face off.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Sniper, heres a review for your gruesome little work(kinda odd that we keep bumping up our own work, but what the hell).

Your script is awsome. I'm kinda embarassed that my script is packaged with yours.  Mine truley pales in comparison.

The gore was good! The pacing was great! The charcters and their dialogue were great!

It did seem to be a little similarr to the Hills have Eyes remake, but that was a good film, so no biggie.

My only big complaint is probrably more on a personal level.

*Spoilers*

I love the characer of Hank! You give no info on him, but way he kills thmom is just so wicked that I had to love him. Why did he have to die!? If you do make a prequel, please give Hank a bigger part! Also, all the other kills lacked th oomph Hanks twist scene had.

*End Spoilers*

All in all, two thumbs way up!

~Zack~

Quoted from sniper Just one question Souter Fell, what did you think about the pacing.? I was a bit worried that it would come across too slow. What are your feelings on this matter? Cheers Rob

I thought the pacing was spot on. A lot of shorts around here race through. This one took it's time, developed some characters and relationships and when it got into the meat of the story, it wasn't afraid to slow it down for the sake of suspense. I would hope that any writer who works in the horror genre (or any genre for that matter) read through this script.

Hey Zack,

Thanks for the review buddy.

Quoted from Zack Your script is awsome. I'm kinda embarassed that my script is packaged with yours.  Mine truley pales in comparison.

I'm blushing here, so knock that shit off  :) or as Earl would've put it: "Flatters get ya' nowheres' boy!"

Quoted from Zack It did seem to be a little similarr to the Hills have Eyes remake, but that was a good film, so no biggie.

Wanna hear something funny (not ha ha funny but perculiar-funny)? I hadn't seen that movie until yesterday. I'm not BS'ing. I couldn't even finish it - it was freaking me out. The gore was just too much for me. But I'll watch the other half some day in the future I reckon.

Quoted from Zack I love the characer of Hank! You give no info on him, but way he kills thmom is just so wicked that I had to love him. Why did he have to die!? If you do make a prequel, please give Hank a bigger part! Also, all the other kills lacked the oomph Hanks twist scene had.

Yeah, Hank's a bad mf'er. Actually, I only came up with him cos' I couldn't have Gunther appear in both the kitchen and the basement at the same time. So I invented Hank to do some of the dirty work. And you're right - his kill is just wicked, it's so humiliating to Helen. I'm not even sure I wanna see that in a movie. :o

Quoted from Zack All in all, two thumbs way up!

Thanks a lot - glad you enjoyed it.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from Souter Fell I would hope that any writer who works in the horror genre (or any genre for that matter) read through this script.

Those are mighty big words, Souter Fell, but hey...I'll take 'em. :P

Cheers
Rob

Ok, Zack got through Evil and here's my thoughts on it.

I really don't like pointing out typos, because it happens to everyone, but these are some that just jumped out at me that I feel I should mention. Sorry!

Page 1 - The wall paper is torn is different places - the second is should be in I believe.

Page 2 - You introduce Megan as Maegan!

Page 2 - Brett's name and his first line are out of place!

Page 19 - "on on". u have on twice.

Page 21 - "looks looks" very weak. You need to get rid of one of the "looks"

You describe Megan as "looks like a crack head" I think you should describe her some more. I mean, most people will probably get what she looks like from that, but I just think it would be better if you could actually describe her here!

Page 7 - nice gore when Mable is shot in the face. Very gory and graphic. The visual is just rammed home!

Seems to be that Lenny just changes his feelings on the matter far to easily after struggling before and after the robbery. I mean he was pretty torn up and I just don't see him getting over it that quickly. I think you should play on his guilt and emotions some more before he gets the chop!

While speaking about Lenny's death... WOW! I liked it a lot! His death came out of nowhere! Nice twist! I really didn't think Brett would kill him! So, yup, you got one over on me!

I liked how cold and evil Burt got. I thought his whole revenge vendetta against Brett and Megan works really well. The only thing I really would have to liked to have seen is perhaps a small scene where he sees Mable's body where he can break down and really let his anger take over.

The torture scene in the basement is the best scene in the script. I would have liked for him to have actually tortured Brett some more. Just seems he gets off to easy compared to what Megan gets put through!

Man, oh, man, that image of Megan having her ear being biten of and then rammed into her mouth made me squirm and I have strong stomach! Nice work with that! Then you made my stomach squirm some more when you had Burt tear her face apart with the weed whacker! Your descriptions are really good on these gore scenes. They just rammed the sickening visuals into my head.

Overall, I liked this. It's a neat, fun, quick and gory read. Well done and good luck with this and future writing!

One down, one to go! Rob, I'll try and get through "Every Knee Shall Bow" by tomorrow. I'm a slow reader and I'm juggling this in between writing college essays for class tomorrow!

Robert :)

Hey Bates, thanks for the read! I'm glad you liked it!

Gore is my strong suit. I'm glad I was able to shock you!

The reason brett got killed quickly is because he was already on the verge of dying.

Again, thanks for the read!

~Zack~

"Evil"

The opening SUPER is, imo, awkward. You should avoid repetition of words.

"The small, cluttered room sits quietly in the dark." This, too, is awkward. The room is dark. It isn't sitting in the dark.

The dialogue is, for the most part, well-written.  The conversation between Burt and Mable, though, is too on-the-nose.

"...but the smile quickly fades away."  Coupling the word fade with away is redundant. Further, the line, itself, isn't dramatic enough. It lacks punch...and this scene should POP!

As others have said, Lenny turns too quickly. This is, imo, a major problem, one that needs to be corrected.

As for Brett killing Lenny, I thought it kind of boring, kinda cliched.

I'm not sure how I feel about Burt's tow-truck smashing into Brett's car. It's a tad convenient. Still, it works.

I can't say I liked the end. It was long. Too long. And I question why Megan is tortured, but brett, by comparison, is let off easy -- a few bullets to the chest.

It's gratuitous and if I was at a theater, I'd walk out.  Mind you, the story isn't bad, it just, imo, needs to be tweaked a bit.

I'll be reading and commenting on the second of the two shorts later this week.

Seth

Hey Seth, thanks for reading. I thought that this would be a bit too brutal for some readers.

The reason Brett is killed so quickly is because he is already dying. Burt wanted to make sure that if he killed him.

Again thanks for the read. Glad you think the story has potential.

~Zack~

Quoted from Zack Hey Seth, thanks for reading. I fired that this would be a bit to brutal for some readers.

It's not that the story is too brutal. It's that its brutality, with respect to Megan, comes off as senseless. Even though she is a participant in the bank robbery, her character isn't loathsome enough to warrant the type of abuse she endures -- Brett's is, yet he's allowed an easy death.

Quoted from Zack The reason Brett is killed so quickly is because he is already dying. Burt wanted to make sure that if he killed him.

This is, I think,  irrelavant. Brett is clearly the leader, the most evil of the three. That said, he should take the brunt of the abuse. As a reader, I'd delight in seeing him get what's coming to him. That I don't leaves me with a cheated feeling.

Seth

You also have to realize that Burt wasn't there during the robbery. he has no idea who the leader is or who killed his wife. He simply takes all of his anger out on the bank robber who still seems to be alright.That's were I wanted to tug on the readers emotion. We are forced to watch as Burt takes out his anger on the criminal that had the least to do with Mables death. We as readers know that Brett should be the one taking the bulk of the torture, Burt has no way of knowing this. All Burt knows is that Brett is on the brink of death and that he wants to be the one to send Brett to hell. I think my script catches a sense of realism in the way that it isn't very fair.

~Zack~

Double Carnage, Twice the Carnage, Same Low Price....

Evil: 40 is the new 30, right? Burt acts like he's in his 60's. Liked the little conversation that haunts Burt later on in the script. The little angel statues was a nice detail. Lenny should not have been such a tool to Brett. He may have chickened out, letting Brett kill Mabel, as he is the main villain of the story.

Mable was certainly likable enough, which magnifys the wickedness of her being murdered.

Burt was too hard on Megan and should have saved the weed whacker for Brett, as he was more villanous than Megan. She should have just been shot and done with, unlike Brett who deserved the ear sandwich and everything else that Megan got. He got off way too easy.

Every Knee:
Hate it when you pull off the road for a hamburger and it turns out to be run by the same folks who operate Motel Hell. Great hillbilly cannibal dialogue! Likes all thems tricky lil' phrases these folkeses be a'sayin...

Thought for sure Flatulent man was gonna be deliverin' up the Blue Flame; slightly disappointed.

Great Characters, nicely developed, both heroes and villains. Would like a bit more explanation why the townspeople were slaves to Earl, though...He was Master Chef, I assume?

Don't know if you can get strangled with your own intestines. Would seem the act of de-intestining would be fatal enough. No matter. Way beyond regular gross and diving headlong into wicked gross.

Great Job to both Zack and Robert; Enjoyed the carnage. And nice job on the poster, too!

Joe

Every Knee Shall Bow.

I already gave you a Danish review of this one, but I thought it only fair to get one in this thread as well.

This one had me laughing one minute and heaving the next. Great over-the-top gross-out violence.

Strangely enough I also cared for the characters. Especially Danielle when she cries in her fathers arms in the classroom was actually quite touching.

On an unrelated note, I love the name Danielle. I use it a lot in scripts.  :)

Like I said a few days ago, the only thing that really bothred me was the geographical location combined with those dialects. Everything else was exactly as it should be. I didn't need an explanation for why the townspeople were crazy mofos. I mean, we know this kind of story, we don't need the script to come up with an excuse like "nuclear tests" or "inbreeding" or whatever. They're maniacs, I got it.

And it felt good when they met their maker.

I'll get on reading Zack's contribution over the weekend.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Don't know if you can get strangled with your own intestines. Would seem the act of de-intestining would be fatal enough. No matter. Way beyond regular gross and diving headlong into wicked gross.

I take it you haven't seen Story of Ricky? ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaC9WfQ-Fzg

Hey Blakkwolfe,

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Every Knee: Hate it when you pull off the road for a hamburger and it turns out to be run by the same folks who operate Motel Hell.

Yeah, that just sucks when that happens, don't it?  ;D

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Great Characters, nicely developed, both heroes and villains. Would like a bit more explanation why the townspeople were slaves to Earl, though...He was Master Chef, I assume?

I certainly tried to build up the characters, give them a bit of personality (good guys and bad guys alike) and, yeah, I think they came out alright. Regarding the whole community, you're right, that could have been explained better.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Don't know if you can get strangled with your own intestines. Would seem the act of de-intestining would be fatal enough. No matter. Way beyond regular gross and diving headlong into wicked gross.

Obviously, Sean would have died from the disembowelment regardless, but I just wanted to spice it up a little by having him strangled with his own intestines - that's supergross.

Quoted from blakkwolfe Great Job to both Zack and Robert; Enjoyed the carnage. And nice job on the poster, too!

Glad you enjoyed it.

Cheers
Rob

Hey TJ,

Thanks for the read and bilingual review  :)

Quoted from Death Monkey Every Knee Shall Bow. This one had me laughing one minute and heaving the next. Great over-the-top gross-out violence.

Yeah, this was me basically thinking up really sick degenerated kills. I was a bit apprehensive about at first but once you've made that first kill - the rest comes real easy  ;D

Quoted from Death Monkey Strangely enough I also cared for the characters. Especially Danielle when she cries in her fathers arms in the classroom was actually quite touching.

Thanks for that. I was a bit worried about how that scene would come across. Writing a grieving character is not easy IMO, it quickly turns into nothing but tears but I'm glad it touched you. I wasn't sure about the whole classroom scene because it sort of slows everything down for a while. You've just been through about 10 pages with pretty much non stop action/gore so I was worried it would ruin the pacing.

Quoted from Death Monkey Like I said a few days ago, the only thing that really bothred me was the geographical location combined with those dialects. Everything else was exactly as it should be.

You're right, the geograhy and dialect doesn't add up - unless they had migrated from the south at one point - a fact that I'm not ruling out if it'll get me off the hook  :P

Anyways, thanks for the read.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from Death Monkey I take it you haven't seen Story of Ricky? ;) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DaC9WfQ-Fzg

Haha - that's great. Love the dialogue too!

Thanks for reading Blakkwolfe. Glad you enjoyed it!

~Zack~

Hey sniper. I figured I'd read your script first since you've already read mine...

Every Knee Shall Bow

- Your slugs lack time of day.

- Brad should ask Danielle to put away her Black Berry, not give it to him. She's 17. What is a Black Berry anyway? Sorry. I don't really follow this new iPhone-esque technology nonsense.

pg. 38 - "Blow me." I'd replace this with a "fuck you" or some other derivitive. These kinds of obscenitites directed at family members always come off as awkward and even a little creepy. In this case, it makes the character less sympathetic.

- I'd like a response from Earl after Lucas completes his Proverbs. It'd definitely add something to the scene.

pg. 42 - "What is this place?" Silly line. It's obviously a kitchen. I'd lose this.

- Sean turns into a "hero" pretty quick. There's no development or anything. If anything, he'd be as freaked out as everyone else (to start anyway). I'd work on this. You could start with Earl being a little more agressive. That'd be more likely to receive such a response from Sean.

- What's a chef's gun?

- Perhaps Hank is dispatched a little too easily. Just a thought.

- These newspapers are a little unneccesary. They don't really offer any explanation or backstory for the cannibals. Besides, it makes no sense for them to be in here in the first place. If the whole town is cannibals, why would they write newspapers about the murders they themselves committed? It's silly.

- This conversation between Sean and Lucas about the divorce should take place before any of this cannibal business. It'd develop the characters beforehand and make the reader more emotionally invested in what happens later on.

- I think I'd lose the "I love you" from Brad. The locking of the eyes is enough. It gets the moment across. The mouthing of words is a little much, if not unrealistic. I don't think Brad could even mouth the words properly with his face in tatters as it is. Also, I doubt he'd even be able to find the words considering the stress (understatement, I know) of being eaten alive. His mind would be a mess. That's not to say Danielle's image wouldn't elicit an emotional response but still...

pg. 69 - Lose the "freight train" bit in your action paragraph. A Suburban's not a freight train. Simple as that.

This was pretty standard for the horror genre but I have to admit it was fun to read. It's a gory script and I noticed a certain glee in the gore. I imagine you had a fun time writing this. That's a good thing. The gore was quite over the top but very fun. The tone wasn't overly serious, which made it much more enjoyable. My favorite part was when the family was eating the burgers. I actually think the hair and fingernail were more gross than if you had a finger or something in the meat. You're more likely to find a fingernail in your McDonald's hamburger than anything else. I think that idea definitely makes the scene more cringeworthy.

Sorry to say that your characters were pretty flat. The dialogue was generally good but there wasn't much to these guys. You have this one moment between Sean and Lucas. I think that's about it. I would suggest developing the family a little more. Maybe you can get away with flat characters a little easier with something like this but still, it wouldn't hurt. I don't think it'd take much either. The divorce bit was good. Anything along those lines would be satisfactory.

Anyway, an enjoyable read overall with some nice gore. The story certainly matches the title "Double Carnage." Good job.

Hey James,

Thanks for the read and review.

Quoted from James McClung - Your slugs lack time of day.

Depends on whether you expect a DAY/NIGHT in each slug line - my first slug does say DAY and the way I see it, it'll remain DAY until I tell you otherwise - which I do on page 58. I guess it's a matter of taste, but it's like using CONTINUOUS in the slug which I feel is not necessary.

Quoted from James McClung - Brad should ask Danielle to put away her Black Berry, not give it to him. She's 17. What is a Black Berry anyway? Sorry. I don't really follow this new iPhone-esque technology nonsense.

Actually, in a previous draft, Brad said "Can I have MY BlackBerry now?" but I removed that as it were part of a longer conversation they were having but it wasn't really going the way I wanted it too. Obviously, that should have been made clearer.

Quoted from James McClung pg. 38 - "Blow me." I'd replace this with a "fuck you" or some other derivitive. These kinds of obscenitites directed at family members always come off as awkward and even a little creepy. In this case, it makes the character less sympathetic.

Yeah, but "Blow me" is a nicer version of "Fuck you" and I didn't want to turn this into a profanity-fest like most other horror scripts.

Quoted from James McClung pg. 42 - "What is this place?" Silly line. It's obviously a kitchen. I'd lose this.

Brad wasn't referring to the kitchen - he was referring to the whole town.

Quoted from James McClung - Sean turns into a "hero" pretty quick. There's no development or anything. If anything, he'd be as freaked out as everyone else (to start anyway). I'd work on this. You could start with Earl being a little more agressive. That'd be more likely to receive such a response from Sean.

This was done to show the difference between the brothers. Where Brad's a comfortable fella in a huge SUV that listens to low soft music, Sean's the a more compulsive hard rock listening type of guy. And I don't think he goes 'Hero', he simply just reacts in a way that's in accordance with his nature.

Quoted from James McClung - What's a chef's gun?

I have no idea.

Quoted from James McClung - Perhaps Hank is dispatched a little too easily. Just a thought.

Yeah, I guess you could say that, but it was a way to keep the action flowing while still maintaining a decent pace.

Quoted from James McClung - These newspapers are a little unnecessary. They don't really offer any explanation or backstory for the cannibals. Besides, it makes no sense for them to be in here in the first place. If the whole town is cannibals, why would they write newspapers about the murders they themselves committed? It's silly.

Obviously, they wouldn't have written the articles themselves. It is - as stated - a small community, consisting of about two dozen buildings. The newspapers would have been picked up in the nearest town.

Quoted from James McClung - This conversation between Sean and Lucas about the divorce should take place before any of this cannibal business. It'd develop the characters beforehand and make the reader more emotionally invested in what happens later on.

This was a pacing issue to me. It was placed there due to the fact that it was part of a low paced scene overall. Had I placed it earlier it would either have interrupted the flow of the action or prolonged the first act unnecessarily IMO.

Quoted from James McClung - I think I'd lose the "I love you" from Brad. The locking of the eyes is enough. It gets the moment across. The mouthing of words is a little much, if not unrealistic. I don't think Brad could even mouth the words properly with his face in tatters as it is. Also, I doubt he'd even be able to find the words considering the stress (understatement, I know) of being eaten alive. His mind would be a mess. That's not to say Danielle's image wouldn't elicit an emotional response but still...

Agreed, the "I love you" thing is kinda cheesy.

Quoted from James McClung pg. 69 - Lose the "freight train" bit in your action paragraph. A Suburban's not a freight train. Simple as that.

Nah, I'm gonna leave that in there. It's a metaphor (plus, a Suburban is pretty big).

Quoted from James McClung Sorry to say that your characters were pretty flat. The dialogue was generally good but there wasn't much to these guys. You have this one moment between Sean and Lucas. I think that's about it. I would suggest developing the family a little more. Maybe you can get away with flat characters a little easier with something like this but still, it wouldn't hurt. I don't think it'd take much either. The divorce bit was good. Anything along those lines would be satisfactory.

I guess it's all comes down to taste. I thought I gave the characters just enough to make them interesting. I wasn't going for major character development here, just a little bit, because I don't feel it is called for in these types of horror stories.

Quoted from James McClung Anyway, an enjoyable read overall with some nice gore. The story certainly matches the title "Double Carnage." Good job.

Thanks, James. I'm glad you got a kick out of it.


Cheers
Rob

Every Knee Shall Bow

Hey, Rob. Sorry for the time its taken to get round to reading and reviewing this.(especially after you read my script so quickly!)Anyway, i'll just dive right in.

This was one hell of an enjoyable gory read. I love gore and this had plenty of it. I applaud you for the gore!

I was surprised at how fast this read. It moves along at a very quick pace and flows really well.

Though when I was reading this, I couldn't help but feel I was reading a feature with the middle missing. There's the set up and then the fight to survive. If you extend this I believe this could really stand well as a feature. It would also help build up the characters a lot more. Even though I was rooting for them to survive, I just didnt know why! Give us something to get behind them for. Maybe Sean was secretly meeting his ex-wife again and was trying to get back together with her, so he, she and Lucas could be a family again. I'm not saying you should do this, but little things like this help to get behind the character. It makes us wonder if they'll survive and have a chance at proper family life again.(Or maybe I'm just talking nonsense!what the hell do i know?! I'm still a novice lol)

I like your hillbillys/cannibals. Loved their dialogue. All the dialogue infact.(I took notes haha) The only line in this script i dislike is - "Would you man up" even though i knew what this meant, it just felt a little awkward to me. even though there's nothing like stating the obvious, i think you could use another word instead of man. maybe "Would you toughen up" or somethng else!

Anyway, just some food for thought! Really liked this. Bloody, gory and just plain enjoyable to read! Good luck with this!

Robert

Hey Bates,

Thanks for the read and the kind words.

Quoted from Bates This was one hell of an enjoyable gory read. I love gore and this had plenty of it. I applaud you for the gore!

I'm taking a bow right now (and waiting for the encore)  ;D

Quoted from Bates I was surprised at how fast this read. It moves along at a very quick pace and flows really well.

That's good to hear cos' I was really worried about how it would play out pacing-wise. The story does takes a little time before anything really happens but I'm pleased you felt it came out alright.

Quoted from Bates Though when I was reading this, I couldn't help but feel I was reading a feature with the middle missing. There's the set up and then the fight to survive. If you extend this I believe this could really stand well as a feature.

This was never intended to be a feature but I must admit that since doing this short, I have been thinking about turning it into a feature and I think it could work. I've got an idea about a prequel I would like to explore first though.

Quoted from Bates It would also help build up the characters a lot more. Even though I was rooting for them to survive, I just didnt know why! Give us something to get behind them for. Maybe Sean was secretly meeting his ex-wife again and was trying to get back together with her, so he, she and Lucas could be a family again. I'm not saying you should do this, but little things like this help to get behind the character. It makes us wonder if they'll survive and have a chance at proper family life again.(Or maybe I'm just talking nonsense!what the hell do i know?! I'm still a novice lol)

You're absolutely right. If this thing got turned into a feature that would obviously be a need for a lot more character background and development, cos' as it stands now they're pretty much just reacting to the things that are happening to them. Good point.

Quoted from Bates I like your hillbillys/cannibals. Loved their dialogue. All the dialogue infact.(I took notes haha) The only line in this script i dislike is - "Would you man up" even though i knew what this meant, it just felt a little awkward to me. even though there's nothing like stating the obvious, i think you could use another word instead of man. maybe "Would you toughen up" or somethng else!

I guess there's a lot of ways to phrase that line and still get the point across. It's a matter of taste and I thought - at least at the time that I wrote it - that it sounded alright.

Quoted from Bates Anyway, just some food for thought! Really liked this. Bloody, gory and just plain enjoyable to read! Good luck with this!

Thanks, Bates, and good luck to you on your future projects. Thanks again for the read and pointers, it's greatly appreciated.

Cheers
Rob

Okay I've just finished the first part of Double Carnage. Little story called evil that is quite a nasty piece of work.

I was really impressed with at the beginning how you had Brett bully the weaker Lenny into shoot someone dead as soon as they arrive in bank.  This revealed show much about his character and made him out to be a total bad arse.

Plus it was a unique idea cause most bank robbers in movie never shoot in cold blood because of fear of that little thing called prison. This made me think Brett was either super confident or just monstrously stupid.

Second half of this script I did not like as much as it quickly fell into Hostel, Wolf Creek Territory that we have all seen many times before.

Having the killers become victims was sort of a waste of time cause I felt no sympathy towards them and so I wasn't horrified by the killing. Though getting ones face chewed off by weed whacker would be visually crazy to see on screen.

The first half was interesting but once Burt got the two robbers in his dungeon the script went into "meh" territory and I just didn't care any more.

Now I will have to check out the second part of Double Carnage  

I just finished reading Every Knee Shall Bow. This is the second script I've read here that involved a diner that served up human flesh to customers. I think james wrote it but I could be wrong and it was a long time ago when I read it.

The characters, the concept, the violence I found very ordinary wihich is a shame really cause your plotting and writing style is amazing. You have great skill with knowing when to start a scene and when to cut out at the right moment to leave me hanging for more.

While the killings, the inbreed killer monsters and fleeing victims has all be done before, one thing that did really stand out and impress me was the lynch mob. You kept me reading wanting to find out more. And then the mob all kneel before Freak daddy as if he is a preecher or some leader. What's going on? I was intrigued and astounded.  I wanted to know more.

You used this idea to great effect and kept stringing me along with it.  Why are they filled with killing lust? Why are they all skinny and half starved? Why are they obeying Earl?

Best of all you gave nothing away and I am guessing all my questions will be answers  in the sequal.

All in all you are a great writer and your stories deserve to more then just retreading over a tired stale old concept.      

Hey Tonkatogh,

Thanks for the read.

Quoted from tonkatough The characters, the concept, the violence I found very ordinary wihich is a shame really cause your plotting and writing style is amazing. You have great skill with knowing when to start a scene and when to cut out at the right moment to leave me hanging for more.

Yeah, I can't claim that there's anything really new under the sun here, but it's my first stab at the horror genre so for me, everything is unchartered teritory .

Quoted from tonkatough While the killings, the inbreed killer monsters and fleeing victims has all be done before, one thing that did really stand out and impress me was the lynch mob. You kept me reading wanting to find out more. And then the mob all kneel before Freak daddy as if he is a preecher or some leader. What's going on? I was intrigued and astounded.  I wanted to know more.

I guess that could have been explained a bit more but I didn't want it to distract from the basic plot. The way I see it - in this particular story - it's not really that important why the townsfolk do what they do, the key is that they ARE doing it and then have the characters react to that. If this had been a feature then obviously it would require an explanation.

Quoted from tonkatough You used this idea to great effect and kept stringing me along with it.  Why are they filled with killing lust? Why are they all skinny and half starved? Why are they obeying Earl? Best of all you gave nothing away and I am guessing all my questions will be answers  in the sequal.

True - but it will be a prequel.

Quoted from tonkatough All in all you are a great writer and your stories deserve to more then just retreading over a tired stale old concept.

Thank you for the kind words, like I said it's a new genre for me.

Cheers
Rob

Hey tonka, thanks for the read. I'm glad you enjoyed it. If filmed, I believe the weed whacker scene would be the one of the nastiest scenes ever put on film.

~Zack~

I appreciate that this genre is less demanding in terms of character development. Even so, I would have felt more invested in the outcome had I the chance to get to know at least a couple of the main characters. As it is, I don't give a lick about any of 'em. And I should.

I also, as others have commented, feel there needs to be an explanation, something that explains the existence of Earl's zombie-like minions. Yes, perhaps this will be answered in a prequel. Still, as it is, it reads as if the writer dropped the ball. That said, you should, imo, consider reworking it.  

Your descriptions of Gunther and Earl were great. You're an excellent writer...the beginning, in particular, I thought was well written -- it just all got a little muddled for me in the end. To be honest, I had a difficult time maintaining focus, mostly due to my not feeling invested in the characters.

Seth  

Hey Seth,

Thanks for the read and review.

Quoted from Seth I appreciate that this genre is less demanding in terms of character development. Even so, I would have felt more invested in the outcome had I the chance to get to know at least a couple of the main characters. As it is, I don't give a lick about any of 'em. And I should. I also, as others have commented, feel there needs to be an explanation, something that explains the existence of Earl's zombie-like minions. Yes, perhaps this will be answered in a prequel. Still, as it is, it reads as if the writer dropped the ball. That said, you should, imo, consider reworking it.   Your descriptions of Gunther and Earl were great. You're an excellent writer...the beginning, in particular, I thought was well written -- it just all got a little muddled for me in the end. To be honest, I had a difficult time maintaining focus, mostly due to my not feeling invested in the characters. Seth

While I don't necessarily agree with you about the characters, you make a good point none the less. Yes, the interaction/relations between Earl and rest of the townsfolk is barely touched upon and it seems (from all the other reviews as well) that this matter needs to be addressed for this story to really work. Point taken.

BTW, I was heavily inspired by your dialogue/tongue in "Diplopia" as you can probably tell.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper Hey Seth, Thanks for the read and review. While I don't necessarily agree with you about the characters, you make a good point none the less. Yes, the interaction/relations between Earl and rest of the townsfolk is barely touched upon and it seems (from all the other reviews as well) that this matter needs to be addressed for this story to really work. Point taken. BTW, I was heavily inspired by your dialogue/tongue in "Diplopia" as you can probably tell. Cheers Rob

About the characters, I think, having read, and loved, Sic Semper Tyrannis, I was expecting something that was not only intense physically, as this is, but emotionally as well. You touched on this a bit with the father/son/divorce angle.

Inspired by Dipolpia? very cool. I don't think my work has ever been an inspiration -- so, thanks!

Seth

Quoted from Seth About the characters, I think, having read, and loved, Sic Semper Tyrannis, I was expecting something that was not only intense physically, as this is, but emotionally as well. You touched on this a bit with the father/son/divorce angle. Inspired by Dipolpia? very cool. I don't think my work has ever been an inspiration -- so, thanks! Seth

Well, when Zach approached me about doing Double Carnage, he wanted me to write a 40 page short. That gave me 10 pages for act 1 and 20-25 pages for act 2. My worries were that if I had to develop the characters a lot more than what I did, then the first act would simply be too long and I was affraid that it would turn people away.

The second act would pretty much have to be all about the gore. Yes, there is that slow paced scene in the school where the divorce thing comes up, but I simply didn't have time (pages) to go deeper into that. Actually, looking back at it now, I think that scene is a bit too long. It was a really tough juggle: pace vs info.

And, oh yeah, the "I is your daddy" bit in Diplopia really blew me away. Monster creepy!

Cheers
Rob

Hi guys

I'm a newbie to the site and haven't posted any scripts yet but thought I'd do a little pre-emptive reviewing in the hopes that some kind soul will take pity on me and return the favour when I finally finish something

I see there's been quite a few reviews already so I've tried to avoid covering the same points...

EVIL

I’m not really a fan of revenge flicks or ultra-violence so this isn’t my cup of tea. I don’t know much about the conventions of this genre but what I would say is;

I think someone else said it but the dialogue between Burt and Mable is a bit sickly – maybe tone down the “I love you’s” and show it with action

Did Burt hit the car on purpose or by accident? I read it as being an accident and it seems a bit of a coincidence… but I couldn’t think of an alternative so waddyagonnado?

I don’t really like the VO flashbacks – I don’t think you need them, it’s clear enough why Burt doing what he’s doing

There have been quite a few comments about who should get tortured and why with most people plumping for Brett. Personally I think you’ve got the most shocking option by having the more “innocent” of the three bear the brunt of the hurt. For me it would be even more shocking if you could generate more sympathy for Megan. Maybe she wasn’t in the car at the start when Brett and Lenny discussed killing someone so didn’t know the plan. And maybe add something more sympathetic to her backstory (like why they wanted the money). Or have Brett accuse her of masterminding the whole thing to try and save himself (a classic (clichéd?) bully – coward) and Burt believe him (before shooting him). I just feel this would give it even more impact although I can see how it would go against the idea of evil being punished.

The weed whacker’s kind of random… where did he get that idea from? Perhaps in the opening scenes you could have Burt using it - you could get a nice bit of foreboding going on with him chopping down weeds. Upon returning later he notices it lying around…

I hope that hasn't come across as too negative - like I say, I'm not big on this sort of story so have no idea if this is a good or bad example of the genre!


EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW

Overall I really liked this. Technically spot on (not that I know anything) with nice pacing, some choice one liners and great visuals (sewing his mouth shut – tasty)

As far as constructive criticism goes;

An opportunity I think you could make more of is the emotional dimension of cannibalism. Yeah, it’s disgusting that they eat humans… but knowing that they’re going to eat your relatives, that takes it to another level. I know you touched upon it in a few places but I’d like to see it have a greater impact on the characters and their decisions. As an aside I thought maybe you could have the family driving to a funeral – cue discussion about their feelings on cremation vs burial (and being eaten by worms etc). Might also allow some more development of the character’s on an emotional level – one of the kids is whining about having to go to the funeral of a distant relative they barely know vs the parent’s view on familial duty and how this changes through the story. Just a thought

I’m not a big fan of the newspapers in the school bit. I think it’s clear enough from the kitchen and the bodies in the basement that they’ve been killing people. Perhaps use the space for more character development

Having a whole mob turn up as soon as the car arrives at the library jarred a bit for me. Where were they all (was it some kind of ambush)? I’d expect them to turn up in small groups having been scattered around the town – they could still have the same effect of splitting up the cast

Also couple of minor points that I don’t think weaken the story but got me wondering;

Only two dozen buildings – how did the townsfolk not find them!?!

If Earl suspected that they’d come back for the cars, why didn’t he just disable their engines? I don’t know much about cars but I’m guessing you could crawl underneath and mess things up without it being obvious to anyone looking at the car. Given that you get some nice mileage (ha ha) out of having the car in working order, I wouldn’t change it though

Something random just popped into my head – any chance of making one of characters vegetarian and then have them bite their way out of a fight with the townsfolk?


Hope this is useful and not too offensive

Cheers

Adam

Hey Adam,

Thanks for the review and the pointers.

Quoted from Limey I'm a newbie to the site and haven't posted any scripts yet but thought I'd do a little pre-emptive reviewing in the hopes that some kind soul will take pity on me and return the favour when I finally finish something

I owe you one, just give me a holla when you've got something you want me to read.

Quoted from Limey EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW Overall I really liked this. Technically spot on (not that I know anything) with nice pacing, some choice one liners and great visuals (sewing his mouth shut – tasty)

Hehe  :P

Quoted from Limey An opportunity I think you could make more of is the emotional dimension of cannibalism. Yeah, it’s disgusting that they eat humans… but knowing that they’re going to eat your relatives, that takes it to another level. I know you touched upon it in a few places but I’d like to see it have a greater impact on the characters and their decisions. As an aside I thought maybe you could have the family driving to a funeral – cue discussion about their feelings on cremation vs burial (and being eaten by worms etc). Might also allow some more development of the character’s on an emotional level – one of the kids is whining about having to go to the funeral of a distant relative they barely know vs the parent’s view on familial duty and how this changes through the story. Just a thought

I really like your idea about them driving to a funeral, that would be a good approach and obviously it would be a very emotional opening. I think there's real potential in that.

Quoted from Limey I’m not a big fan of the newspapers in the school bit. I think it’s clear enough from the kitchen and the bodies in the basement that they’ve been killing people.

That might have been overkill. Point taken.

Quoted from Limey Having a whole mob turn up as soon as the car arrives at the library jarred a bit for me. Where were they all (was it some kind of ambush)? I’d expect them to turn up in small groups having been scattered around the town – they could still have the same effect of splitting up the cast

Yeah, it was certainly a cheap trick - I was going for the shock effect.

Quoted from Limey Only two dozen buildings – how did the townsfolk not find them!?!

They're stupid  ;D. No, I didn't want the town to be too big, just this little shitehole that no one would ever notice. About them not finding them, well - and I should probably have explained that further - but it would make sense that the townsfolk would search the outskirts of the town as well therefor the search would take longer.

Quoted from Limey Hope this is useful

It really was and thanks for the pointers.

Cheers
Rob

Thanks for the review Limey. Yes, the car accident was an accident. Let me know when you've got something up.

~Zack~

Hey Guys,

Thought I'd give this one a read. Only had time for the first one today, will try to read the second one tomorrow.

EVIL SPOILERS:

This was pretty well written IMO, nicely broken up action descriptions made for an easy read. Quite a few typos however, but I'm sure you can fix those.

The story itself isn't exactly original and I felt like Id seen it before. Bank robbery and torture....

I would strongly suggest that you change Burt and Mabel's ages. You have them at 40 and 45 at the moment, but they act and talk more like they were 60+! Maybe even 70! If they were that age, then their house being decorated with 50's furniture would make more sense too.

Brett's dialogue on page 2 is not formated correctly.

Lenny seems like a complete whimp from the get go. You also have him crying after the robbery. I would rather see him angry when he thinks he had killed someone for what he believes is "nothing". That would also work better with the following scene with the robbers where Lenny is suddenly laughing instead. His emotions seem to be all over the place if you know what I mean.

Next problem for me is the country bar. I admit that I haven't frequented any bars in almost two decades, but I do know a few "country" folks and more than a handful of bikers and they wouldn't go to the same bars. Bikers in a country bar just doesn't ring true to me. You even have the bartender being a big heavy guy with lots of tattoos... I don't know, maybe it's just me, but...

The shooting of Lenny came as a surprise, I'll give you that. :-)

Even though Mabel was killed, I still had some problem with Burt's change of carachter. He seemed like a nice gentle loving person in the beginning, but he changes into a sadistic and brutal person. I understand his anger, but I thought that leap was too big.

Also had a problem with Brett being killed so quickly. No real pain involved there. Instead Burt takes out all his anger on Megan... Would've worked better for me if Brett had suffered instead.

What happened to Lenny's body? Did I miss something?

Anyway, it was a fast read and sort of enjoyable, but I think you can rewrite it into something more unique and more likable carachters. Burt included.

Any questions, feel free to ask.

Pia

Hey Pia, thanks for the read. I'm glad youwere able to get some enjoyment out of it. What did you think of the gore? I'm aware that the script is alittle flawed and that it definetly needs a re-write. I'll get to that when I become inspired.

~Zack~

Quoted from tomson Brett's dialogue on page 2 is not formated correctly.

That's my fault, pia. When I transfered Zack's script from Celtx to Final Draft I must've screwed up.  ::)

Don't worry about that rob, stuff like that always happens when you transfer scripts.

~Zack~

Zack,

Did you change one thing in the two months between me reading this and you submitting it?

It doesn't look like it.

No. To be honest, I'm lazy... Kinda wish i would've, though...

~Zack~

Hello Zack,

I think that you've got mostly a clean looking script, but I feel that it lacks some depth.  Yet that's not the point in what you are trying to achieve here.

You are going for the gorno audience, so I think it works there.  You at least have direction in knowing what it is you are trying to achieve.

You have so little in the way of typos, I'm not going to bother.

My only real problem with this is I think because it's been done to death, you need to work harder to make it your own.  What is going to get it the attention?  There are probably thousands of similar scripts floating around, so we've got to be pretty crafty.

For me, it's as though we can plug in any stock "bad guy" characters and they'd be the same in this script and that's not always a good thing.  Keep in mind though, that I understand that this type of flick doesn't rely on characters so much, but what I'm thinking of though is if you want to be successful, maybe you do have to dig a little deeper there.

I did feel that there was good pacing in this.  I was truly engaged when Lenny was having a hard time and didn't want to go through with it.  What I'm thinking, is maybe he DOESN'T.  He royally screws up the operation and then something else happens.

I don't know, I feel that the writing is fairly crisp for script form, but it lacks a little luster.

For this genre, I think you've done well, but I would like to see more intrigue and implication than just the splattering of blood.

You've accomplished a lot however in a short time.

You put in some good stuff there with Burt and Mable, it was a short but sweet scene and who could ever imagine Burt turning into what he did?  I think it can work, but maybe we need to see him flying off the handle more--see a build.  

I wrote something once that when I look back it was laughable because it came out of nowhere.  My intentions were good, but I didn't have the build so I royally screwed up there.

You know, I'm reading from a bit of a jaded perspective.  I can read or watch some awful stuff and it doesn't phase me.  It's like "Oh no!  This again... and what frightens me isn't the scene, it's the fact that I'm immune.  And I'm talking about apparently good shows on television for instance.

The shows that I find more striking are the ones which are more implied.  I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes less is more.

I think that over all you did a good set up with this.  You're not verbose.  

I really liked the basement scene you drew up.  I thought to myself, I can see it.

I'd like to see it end with the shot of the massacre and the voice over of: "No matter how slow you get, I'll wait for you."  Then perhaps a retreat back to the quiet looking exterior of the bucolic farm house as it was in an earlier shot.

I will do the part two of this tomorrow.

Sandra

What it lacks in depth, I hope it makes up for with gore. Thanks for the read Sandra, glad you liked it.

~Zack~

Double Carnage Part Two: Every Knee Shall Bow

I think one of the real positive things about the writing here is its succinct form.  It's not with pretense and is hardly bulky.

Sometimes people try and come up with all kinds of apparently new inventive ways to say something just because they're afraid of cliche, but then it gets more ridiculous than the beauty and simplicity that a cliche gets across.

I want to point out Rob, that some of your scenes are perfect because you're telling straight up in the most direct way possible and to me, it doesn't matter if it's been used before.

The rain hammers the windshield, the wipers working overtime.  Soft music fills the air.

This is simply effective and doesn't draw attention to itself.

Considering the story itself, it's definitely fitting into the mold of a genre film and I think that was your intention so you've succeeded at that.

My only trouble with it is (and I've said this before) is the amount of these kind of things floating around is probably fairly high and so I'm not seeing as much originality here as I'd like.  I feel as though I've seen this very same film before.

It's my personal opinion, that this could be made into a more memorable film by taking the format you already have which uses the "calm before the storm" style opening and create more intrigue.

The part where we see the old guy with his decayed teeth and the weird balding woman could be played more I think.  As I mentioned to Zack, I think you can work more with intrigue and not just gorno, but I do understand that there's a market for it without really even any plot or character development, so my comments here are specific to a different audience I suppose.  

The young gorno audience I think will like this as long as you give them what they want.  An older gorno audience will have seen all of this before and it won't fill a demand for them and finally, those who aren't a gorno audience--well, they don't have to see it or buy it.

Good image with the roaches spilling out onto the floor; this being a gentle sunset compared to some of the others.

I think on pg 47 Earl's dialogue is supposed to be Gunther's.

pg 50 [the] *they

Most of the writing is brief; however, the following might be trimmed and left for the set people to draw up:

pg 55

>The two-story building, scarred and defaced by time and man,
rests near the outskirts of the town. Surrounded and
partially covered by thick patches of weed, the school looks
like it was abandoned decades ago.
Old wooden boards cover most of the windows...

A word on this, even in regular novels, scenery is often boring unless it's built into a character's reaction with it so I would maybe trim it.  Give enough to work with for the read and that's it.

pg 57 >gonna eat [mom] should be capitalized.

I like Sean's line on pg 63:

The thought did cross my mind.

pg 63 I think you did a good job laying out this scene with Sean fighting to escape in the car. One typo there >he [hands puts the car]

pg 65 definitely is working well with the gore element:

>he pops his internal organs back inside, but Gunter [typo] grabs the intestines and yanks them hard.

pg 70 Excellent visual with the sign: "Hope to see you again soon."

pg 41 You've got Brad saying Earl's line by accident.

pg 45 [farther] typo

It's my feeling that "Every Knee Shall Bow" is well crafted for its purpose.  It's not trying to be some kind of deep film and it's not trying to pretend that it is anything else but what it is: a teen horror flick.

Although this has been done before, it nevertheless is well done.

Sandra

Hey Sandra,

Thanks for the review.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I think one of the real positive things about the writing here is its succinct form.  It's not with pretense and is hardly bulky.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I want to point out Rob, that some of your scenes are perfect because you're telling straight up in the most direct way possible and to me, it doesn't matter if it's been used before.

Yeah, I try to write pretty short sentences when ever possible. First of all it's easier to read and second it generally looks better to the eye. I think descriptions should only tell the most important things like setting a tone the drives the story forward.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Considering the story itself, it's definitely fitting into the mold of a genre film and I think that was your intention so you've succeeded at that. My only trouble with it is (and I've said this before) is the amount of these kind of things floating around is probably fairly high and so I'm not seeing as much originality here as I'd like. I feel as though I've seen this very same film before.

I think I mentioned this earlier but this was my first stab at this genre, so from that perspective this is all new territory for me. But I agree that this is not particular innovative. I was going for the typical thrills you'd see in a horror/slasher. On the other hand I thought that it worked pretty good.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. The part where we see the old guy with his decayed teeth and the weird balding woman could be played more I think.

They were just put in there to set up the weirdness of the town but I understand what you're saying.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. Good image with the roaches spilling out onto the floor; this being a gentle sunset compared to some of the others.

I agree  :P

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. I think on pg 47 Earl's dialogue is supposed to be Gunther's.

No, it's Earl's dialogue, he is saying it to Gunther.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. pg 41 You've got Brad saying Earl's line by accident.

Jeez, I completely missed that one. You're absolutely right, that's a screw up.

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. It's my feeling that "Every Knee Shall Bow" is well crafted for its purpose.  It's not trying to be some kind of deep film and it's not trying to pretend that it is anything else but what it is: a teen horror flick.Although this has been done before, it nevertheless is well done.

Thanks for the kind words, Sandra. I'm glad you liked it.

Again, thanks for the review and the proof read  ;)

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from Zack What did you think of the gore?

I don't have a problem with gore as you might know, you read "Dark Side of Man".  :P
My problem was Burt going from such a nice loving guy to a sadistic murderer. That leap was too big for me.

Sniper,

I just spent 20 minutes writing up a review for your script. I hit post and got a server erroe page. I could not find my comments anywhere so I will do it either later tonight or tomorrow. Very frustrating.  :(

Quoted from tomson Sniper, I just spent 20 minutes writing up a review for your script. I hit post and got a server erroe page. I could not find my comments anywhere so I will do it either later tonight or tomorrow. Very frustrating.  :(

I've had that happen to me too. Major bummer!!! But I'm sure you had nothing but praise, pia  ;D

Quoted from sniper I'm sure you had nothing but praise, pia  ;D

If you want praise I can sure give it to you, but I'm going to assume that you want me to point out somethings that to me could improve this some too.

Now it's been a few days since I read it so I may not remember all the carachters names.

I think your writing is fine. Better than good even. IMHO however, your writing is better than the story. Maybe I'm one of those old "gornos" that Sandra mentioned because I did feel that there was nothing new here. Seemed like I've seen it all before. Sometimes it felt like TCM. The diner and the old gas station parts both reminded me of a short that I think James wrote long time ago and the strangling with the intestines was in Jordan's SPOILED script. I am not at all saying that you copied them, but only pointing out how there was nothing unique here. I really think you can come up with something more interesting here. I know you can.

You did a good job with your "normal" carachters. I thought they were nicely developed and I cared for all of them right away.

My problem was with the cannibalistic inbreds you had in this script. Mostly their dialect. I understand what you were trying to do, but as a person who's lived in the south over two decades and regularly comes in contact with real rednecks/hillbillies/blacks/ farmers and whatever, I think you failed with the dialect. I mention all those groups of people because I felt sometimes it sounded a little like a person from either of those groups. You added a lot of s's to a lot of the words, but to me at least, it was mostly the wrong words. I think if you at least toned that part down some, it wouldn't come across as so wrong. Right now, I don't think that part works, but that might just be me too.

If you think I sound harsh it's only because I've read SECOND DRAFT so I know you are quite capable. If I hadn't read that one, I might have tried to just give you praise. I know you can fix this one up to be great.

Hope you take this the way it was intended. To be helpful for the rewrite.  :)

Pia

Hey, pia (creepy new avatar you've gotten yourself there)

Thanks for the read and the excellent suggestions

Quoted from tomson I think your writing is fine. Better than good even. IMHO however, your writing is better than the story. Maybe I'm one of those old "gornos" that Sandra mentioned because I did feel that there was nothing new here. Seemed like I've seen it all before. Sometimes it felt like TCM.

Yeah, I agree that - story wise - there's not much new under the sun here. but, as I mentioned in a previous post, I'm just getting into this whole horror/slasher genre so I definitely went with something I though could work without going overboard in the 'new territory' department. You've gotta crawl before you can walk I guess.

Quoted from tomson The diner and the old gas station parts both reminded me of a short that I think James wrote long time ago and the strangling with the intestines was in Jordan's SPOILED script. I am not at all saying that you copied them, but only pointing out how there was nothing unique here. I really think you can come up with something more interesting here. I know you can.

Damn, I actually thought the 'strangling with the intestines' bit was pretty original. At the end of the day I guess it wasn't (I've gotta watch and read a lot more horror flicks). What about the first kill (the sucking on the arm and the cleaver between the legs)? Please allow just a fraction of originality here  :P

Quoted from tomson You did a good job with your "normal" characters. I thought they were nicely developed and I cared for all of them right away.

Yeah, I thought they came across pretty good. I mean there's not really anything unusual about them, they're just like normal people in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Quoted from tomson My problem was with the cannibalistic inbreds you had in this script. Mostly their dialect. I understand what you were trying to do, but as a person who's lived in the south over two decades and regularly comes in contact with real rednecks/hillbillies/blacks/ farmers and whatever, I think you failed with the dialect.

Well, I intentionally left that part a bit murky - maybe a bit too murky. Actually, as TJ has already pointed out, the geography and dialect don't add up. But I wasn't going for any particular group of people here. I never say that they are black or from the South or whatever, I just wanted them to came across as 'not like you and me', like they have been isolated for a long time (without any real school or education to speak of).

Quoted from tomson I mention all those groups of people because I felt sometimes it sounded a little like a person from either of those groups. You added a lot of s's to a lot of the words, but to me at least, it was mostly the wrong words. I think if you at least toned that part down some, it wouldn't come across as so wrong. Right now, I don't think that part works, but that might just be me too.

I guess it's a matter of taste how that type of dialogue should be done. Could we at least agree that it set a tone for the specific character?

Quoted from tomson If you think I sound harsh it's only because I've read SECOND DRAFT so I know you are quite capable. If I hadn't read that one, I might have tried to just give you praise. I know you can fix this one up to be great.

That's the problem with writing something good (and I'm not trying to toot my own horn here) but everyone expects something better or at least just as good. I am pretty proud of this script but sure, it could work better.

On a related note, I am currently working on a prequel to 'Every knee...' that goes all the way back to the birth of Earl and I might have to tweak this script a bit so that they work together as ONE story.

Quoted from tomson Hope you take this the way it was intended. To be helpful for the rewrite.  :)

Of course I do, pia. And thanks again - I value your opinion (even if you're a Swede  ;D).

Cheers
Rob

Hey Zack,

I did an exchange with sniper a while back but forgot you were also on the bill. Sorry about that. Anyway, better late than never...

I don't really have a lot to say about this one considering how short it was and I can't say it was littered with grammatical or even logical errors. With that said, I'll try to give you the overall scope of what I thought. I thought it was a little strange that Burt ends up being the "bad guy" and the robbers, the victims. This seemed way off IMO. You can't really feel for these guys at all. Maybe Lenny but he gets offed pretty quick so there's no point in mentioning him. I did, however, think he got over shooting Mabel a little too quick. Anyway, in regards to the other two, they really were quite dispicable. Brett was the worst of them, easily overshadowing Meagen and Lenny in the "evil" department. With that said, I was disappointed that you received the torture for Meagen and let him get off light. I wouldn't preferred he got the barbed wire to the face and left the ear munching to Meagen. You'd have more of a ballance that way, as well as making sure everyone gets what's coming to them.

Still, I didn't see how this was really horror. The gore was pretty good and relatively creative but the guy who's committing it seems to be a good guy. Obviously, it's a little disturbing a "good guy" would do stuff like this but since these robbers are so nasty, it's hard for that to sink in. I think if they were a little meaker and unsure about the robbery, this would be a little more effective as a horror movie.

Sorry again for the late review. Hope it helps anyway.

Comments for Every Knee Shall Bow (Spoilers):

So, poring over the Sniper library, I decided that this is the one that most suited my fancy.  I have glanced at the previous comments -- but only enough to see that response has been pretty favorable -- enough so that you have actually been convinced to pen a sequel.

Right off, I notice it reads fairly tight.  I can tell already that you are pretty good at this.  So there is your praise.  Now on to the rest of the stuff haha.  

I would have given a title to the book Lucas is reading.  Naming specific songs is frowned upon, and I noticed you already know that, but there is nothing wrong with giving a character a specific book.  That is a lost opportunity to tell us a little more about the character easily and visually.

What the heck kind of dialect are you giving these diner workers?  I kind of know what you are going for, but the choices you are making are unlike anything I’ve ever heard.  It is kind of distracting, actually.  And Earl should acknowledge Lucas recognizing the proverb.  That could have been an interesting interaction between your characters.  Especially later in the story.  Another lost opportunity.

I do not buy Danielle getting knocked out by a tossed arm.  Small point, but still.  The action with Helen is great.  Does Danielle even need to be there at all?  Can't she be looking for the bathroom and they just find her later?  If a character is inconvenient for a scene, and you find yourself going for the cliché knockout -- or even worse, falling asleep for no good reason (I really hate that one) -- I have found it sometimes helps to do a minor restructuring so the character is not even there at all.  Put them somewhere else, doing something else.

AHH!  The cell phone scene.  I just hate (hate!) that every horror movie now needs that damn scene where they establish that the cell phones are no good.  Sometimes you need it, but lose it here, or in the sequel, I beg you.  I mean, who are they going call anyway?  And later you do it again!  **grumbles**

About that gas pump.  Your flamethrower idea is nice, but it would not work.  The flames would travel right up the hose into the tank and the whole thing would blow.  You can use that explosion for an effect similar to what you already have, but Lucas would never be able to do what you have described.  I bet somebody has called you on this already, so sorry if I am repeating something you have already heard.

The remainder of the action is competently written.  I honestly have no complaints until the very, very end, which I do not quite understand.  Why do the townsfolk suddenly turn on their leader in his moment of need?  It would be a more effective conclusion if you set it up earlier somehow, with a suggestion of discontent, or perhaps showing Earl as a cruel and abusive leader.  It feels artificial, for lack of a better word, as you have it now.  It needs to be justified, or it is just kind of odd.  Kind of like you ended it that way because you thought you were supposed to.  Does that make sense?

You definitely have the set-up for a solid prequel.  I do not think you are just spinning your wheels with that idea.  Good luck with it.  We need to see Earl’s wife, and what happened to her.

I will check it out -- which should tell you all you need to know about how much I enjoyed this one.

Hey Bert,

Thanks for the read and suggestions.

Quoted from bert I would have given a title to the book Lucas is reading.

Good point. In a previous draft, he was actually reading a Stephen King book, but I thought - like with music - that it's a big no no to mention titles. Will revisit that for sure.

Quoted from bert What the heck kind of dialect are you giving these diner workers? I kind of know what you are going for, but the choices you are making are unlike anything I’ve ever heard.  It is kind of distracting, actually.

The dialect is kinda strange. Maybe too strange. I just felt I needed to make these guys stand out and a dialect is always an easy way to do that.  

Quoted from bert And Earl should acknowledge Lucas recognizing the proverb.  That could have been an interesting interaction between your characters.  Especially later in the story.  Another lost opportunity.

I can see what you mean. I felt that the first act was already running a bit long so I didn't want to stretch it anymore than I already had. In fact, in a previous draft, that scene was much longer, Danielle was much more involved in that scene but I cut it do to pacing. But you're right, an exchange between Earl and Lucas would tie in better with the 'Sewing' scene at the end.

Quoted from bert I do not buy Danielle getting knocked out by a tossed arm.  Small point, but still.  The action with Helen is great.  Does Danielle even need to be there at all?  Can't she be looking for the bathroom and they just find her later?  If a character is inconvenient for a scene, and you find yourself going for the cliché knockout -- or even worse, falling asleep for no good reason (I really hate that one) -- I have found it sometimes helps to do a minor restructuring so the character is not even there at all.  Put them somewhere else, doing something else.

Danielle doesn't need to be in that scene at all, and that's the only reason for her getting knocked out. I could probably cut her out of that scene and have her show up after Helen is killed.

Quoted from bert AHH!  The cell phone scene.  I just hate (hate!) that every horror movie now needs that damn scene where they establish that the cell phones are no good.  Sometimes you need it, but lose it here, or in the sequel, I beg you.  I mean, who are they going call anyway?  And later you do it again!  **grumbles**

Those damn cell phones!!! Anyways, welcome to the twenty first century - everybody's got one. The only reason I put it in there was so that no one could come back later and say: "Hey, why didn't they just call the police?"

Quoted from bert About that gas pump.  Your flamethrower idea is nice, but it would not work.  The flames would travel right up the hose into the tank and the whole thing would blow.  You can use that explosion for an effect similar to what you already have, but Lucas would never be able to do what you have described.  I bet somebody has called you on this already, so sorry if I am repeating something you have already heard.

Actually, you're the first to mention this. Okay, I don't know anything about how gas pumps would act in such a situation - but if Arnold could do it in 'True Lies' - then that's prove enough for me  ;D

Quoted from bert The remainder of the action is competently written.  I honestly have no complaints until the very, very end, which I do not quite understand.  Why do the townsfolk suddenly turn on their leader in his moment of need?

Ah, the end...It is very sudden I agree. The problem with this piece is that it needs some background info to work - and it will be there, once I've finished the prequel.

Quoted from bert We need to see Earl’s wife, and what happened to her.

I'll let you in on a little secret...Earl has no wife in the prequel - but he has a mom!

Quoted from bert I will check it out -- which should tell you all you need to know about how much I enjoyed this one.

Thanks for the kind words and the excellent suggestions. Glad you enjoyed it.

Cheers
Rob

Hi, i have never written a script so feel awkward making comments on the work other people have put time and effort into crafting, so bear with me please. (you will get your chance when i manage to write something!) Just read this double bill and have a few comments.

Evil

I must say i did not really enjoy this script too much, don't get me wrong i am not against violence - i like Wolf Creek and the SAW movies for example but the violence at the end just did not feel right at all, it was pure torture porn of a kind normally reserved for complete maniacs. I just cannot see a normal loving man turned into such a monster in a short space of time. I appreciate it is a very short script and very hard to build a better story but it would have been more believable if a year had past in between the killing and Burt catching up with the killers, given him time to suffer and slowly turn mad alone in his home.
I just did not buy it at all, it was pretty horrible and made me think that Burt was enjoying it rather too much.

It was a good idea really but rather poorly executed, maybe with a feature length and turned into a more standard revenge flick where time can pass and Burt is on a mission to hunt down his wives killers it could be better. Some questions i felt could have been answered at the beginning included why was one drawer of money enough? How much was enough? Enough for what? it made it sound like they needed the money for a reason, but that was never explained. If all they wanted was money then why stop at one drawer?

Why did they have to kill someone? There was no explanation as to why this was necessary?

Sorry if this is a bit negative, It started well and it did leave me "turning pages" so to speak eager to find out where it was going, just never enjoyed it when i got there i guess.


Every Knee Shall Bow

Nice title by the way!

This was a pretty good crack at a tried and trusted genre, i know that Hollywood is getting littered with these movies though i am sure there are writers being paid fairly well to churn this stuff out so why not?

The whole eating people was an interesting twist and the action scenes were well written and did a good job of pulling the story along, though the non action scenes probably let the script down somewhat, some of the dialogue felt a but forced and i am not sure that anyone would act like they did 2 mins after finding the wives body in the way she was killed. But then again i guess thats what happens in these movies.

I know it has been said already but i did not like the scene with the newspaper clippings, i don't get the point. We already know there were other victims and can guess they were mostly people stopping for food or gas while traveling through. Your audience would have seen countless similar movies and already know what to expect from the genre. Maybe in a sequel it would be a good way to set the scene up for the next visitors, or even the children come back for revenge.

Overall though very enjoyable and if nothing else worth a read for entertainments sake, certainly a good script to help with my continuing education!


So thanks for taking the time to publish both scripts here guys, it is very helpful to read other peoples work and even if i don't enjoy a story it still gives me a great opportunity to see how different writers tackle tricky subjects and action scenes.

Thanks

Hey Murphy,

Quoted from Murphy Every Knee Shall Bow Nice title by the way!

Thanks - stole it right out of the Bible  :P

Quoted from Murphy This was a pretty good crack at a tried and trusted genre, i know that Hollywood is getting littered with these movies though i am sure there are writers being paid fairly well to churn this stuff out so why not?

Yeah, I agree. It's not terribly original but I'm pretty proud of it as it is my first stab at the horror genre.

Quoted from Murphy i am not sure that anyone would act like they did 2 mins after finding the wives body in the way she was killed.

I felt I had to maintain a decent pace and a long cry scene would not have fit in I think, but sure, one would probably be more in a shock after finding their wife like that.

Quoted from Murphy I know it has been said already but i did not like the scene with the newspaper clippings, i don't get the point. We already know there were other victims and can guess they were mostly people stopping for food or gas while traveling through.

Okay, this might be overkill. Will have to revisit that scene in a future draft.

Quoted from Murphy Overall though very enjoyable and if nothing else worth a read for entertainments sake, certainly a good script to help with my continuing education!

I'm glad you enjoyed it and I would like to thank you for taking the time to write a review and for the suggestions. Send me a PM when you've got something you want me to read.

Cheers
Rob

I'm not a professional screenwriter, so use what ideas you like, and disregard the rest... (spoilers)

Evil.

Page 3 - The first thing I thought was cars say something about street people.  What would Megan drive?  Or what kinda car would her and the boys jack for the getaway?  Maybe have fun with that.

Then the dialogue.  "You leave that nervous shit here!"  "I'm gonna need you straight for this."  I tried reading it aloud to myself and it came off a little cheesy to me.  Being that Megan is supposed to be their getaway driver, I'd probably have Brett say something like "I don't need you fallin' asleep at the wheel."  To me it just sounds like a better response to her sparking up a j bone.

After the robbery I was expecting one of the three to turn on each other.  You had me laughing with Brett's comment about fucking the gun barrel, then you blew Lenny away.  Made me feel comfortable then ya got me.  Actually to be honest I was expecting Brett to betray both Lenny and Megan kinda the way Costner does with Arquette and Kurt Russell in 3KMTG.  Brett's greed made him whack out Lenny, why not Megan too?  His share would be bigger with both of them gone.  I mean it's not like Megan is his gf or anything, or at least I couldn't tell if she was supposed to be or not.

As for Megan's slow death, I could see you were aiming for gore but it definitely was over-the-top what with ripping ears off, doing surgery on scalps, and ripping someone a part with a gosh damn weed whacker.

If this was a movie, and the torturing kept on going for an extra amount of time, I would have turned it off.  That shit is just a turn off for me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think it was a bad short, it was ight, but maybe pull back on the splatterfest a little.

Decided to give this one a read. I'd like to make a comment about how this is similar to Buckets of Blood so I'm going to have to be more mean-spirited about this one and such....Just kidding! (Yeah, I'm lame, I know)


Evil - Zack Akers
- I remember another Simply Scripter here who wrote scripts and all of his characters' dialogue ended with an exclamation mark, and I think it was Bert or Balt or someone here who always made a comment about it. When Brett talked, that's what it reminded me of, and it started to get annoying (almost as annoying as ALL CAPS). I imagined him yelling in that small car with three other people and I would've smacked the crap out of him if he were actually yelling, no matter how tough he was. So lighten up on the exclamation points.
- A few spelling errors towards the beginning of the script...Speaking of the beginning of the script, is that SUPER really necessary? It makes it sound like The Blair Witch project. And we're going to know what's going to happen to them, right? I haven't made it too far (since I'm reviewing while I'm reading) so we'll see.
- Burt reacts way too calmly about his wife's death. He goes pale and acts all calm. And I really don't think the bartender or biker should talk. Make it like an awkward moment where they can't think of anything to say. I think Burt should go to the bank rather than go home and call his son to tell him. He can go to the bank, figure things out, and then go home and call his son. Just a suggestion. Yeah....
- When Burt smashes into the back of the car, he had to be going really fast to make the car flip over like that. Burt should have had the wind knocked out of him and he should have stumbled out. You make it sound like he just mosied his way out of the car.
- I don't recall Bill screaming "Oh my God!" when Burt has his flashback.
- Page 19: I think you mean CUT TO BLACK.
- If Burt repeatedly stomped on Brett's head, I'm pretty sure he'd knock out teeth, his face would probably be too swollen for him to talk, or his head would litterally be cracked open and he could possibly die during the head-stomping process. I don't know how he's still alive.....I don't know, I'm not a scientist.
- I think Megan would have passed out from blood loss by now...
- No offense, but this is all way too drawn out. Megan's left cheek breaks open, her nose broken, her ear ripped off, her forehead pealed back, and now a weed whacker with barbed wire? This seems a little too far into the "disturbing" range because I seriously don't think that all of this should be focused on one person. You should have done some of that to Brett.
- Please don't tell me Megan's convulsions means she still alive. Impossible.
- The last SUPER is unnecessary. We know what happened to them, and I have no idea why people would suspect Burt to have something to do with it. Seriously, I don't.

Well I got through this. I enjoyed it. Sort of has a Hostel feel to it. Actually, it's a lot like Hostel, just with more revenge and stuff. You went all out on gore and torture, which I think you had way too much of with just one person (Megan). There were spelling errors scattered about so maybe you want to fix those up. Overall, I liked this. It truly is evil. :D

Sean

Every Knee Shall Bow - Sniper

- I like Helen's "I think it involves--(dramatic)--a boy" line. Got a chuckle out of that.
- Yeah, go Sean...:P
- I've had phone conversations before that also included "filter" but somebody told me it wasn't necessary (can't remember who) so I don't think yours is either. Haha I don't know. Go ahead and use it if you want.
- Ah! An old bald woman! Aw that's terrible, haha!
- Now I wish Helen was my mom. She seems like a cool one.
- I wouldn't eat in that restaurant...
- Unless it was jokingly, or that they really do hate each other, I don't think cousins act like that, especially around their parents.
- Page 41: You mean Earl, not Brad, right?
- Aw man! Why did you have to kill Helen! And in an intense way, too!
- These townspeople really remind me of zombies. :)
- Hm..I don't think I'd be sleeping if I had cannibalistic, nasty-ass people chasing after me...Just saying...
- So is Lucas beating Earl  up with a cooking needle through his lips? Or did he take it out?


So this was like The Hills Have Eyes except with a lot more deformed people. It was intense, though, I was hoping only Brad would have gotten killed, 'cause I didn't like him too much. The deaths were far-fetched but they were cool, also. Lots of torture in both of these scripts. This was a good one also and I liked it. Sort of had a zombie/Hills Have Eyes/Resident Evil 4 feel to it.

Sean

Hey Sean,

Thank for the read and the pointers.

Quoted from Zombie Sean - I like Helen's "I think it involves--(dramatic)--a boy" line. Got a chuckle out of that.

Haha, glad you liked it. I did it just to show the old thing about dads and their daugthers and that no boy is good enough for their daughter.

Quoted from Zombie Sean - I've had phone conversations before that also included "filter" but somebody told me it wasn't necessary (can't remember who) so I don't think yours is either. Haha I don't know. Go ahead and use it if you want.

Yeah, I think you're right about that. I sorta goes without saying that a voice through a phone would be filtered.

Quoted from Zombie Sean - Ah! An old bald woman! Aw that's terrible, haha!

You don't see too many of them  ;D

Quoted from Zombie Sean - Unless it was jokingly, or that they really do hate each other, I don't think cousins act like that, especially around their parents.

I was kinda gunning for a variation of sibling rivalry, just to create some tension between the two.

Quoted from Zombie Sean - Aw man! Why did you have to kill Helen! And in an intense way, too!

I just felt the first kill should be really grotesque - and I think it was  ;)

Quoted from Zombie Sean - Hm..I don't think I'd be sleeping if I had cannibalistic, nasty-ass people chasing after me...Just saying...

Probably not, but after an intense ordeal when the adrenalin rush is over, the body do tend to tire somewhat. So I don't think it's all that unrealistic.

Quoted from Zombie Sean - So is Lucas beating Earl  up with a cooking needle through his lips? Or did he take it out?

No, he takes it out after he beats up Earl (and to me it feels like the right order to do it cos' I don't think Earl would have waited around for an ass wooping while Lucas pulled out the needle - but that's just me  ;)

Quoted from Zombie Sean So this was like The Hills Have Eyes except with a lot more deformed people. It was intense, though, I was hoping only Brad would have gotten killed, 'cause I didn't like him too much. The deaths were far-fetched but they were cool, also. Lots of torture in both of these scripts. This was a good one also and I liked it. Sort of had a zombie/Hills Have Eyes/Resident Evil 4 feel to it

Thanks, Sean, I'm glad you liked it. I'm currently writing a feature which I think will be right up your alley.

I wanna return the favour here, so which of your scripts would you like me to review?

Cheers
Rob

Thanks for the read Sean. I'm glad you enjoyed it despite it's many faults. While I was writing this I had such great hopes and everything worked about the script in my head. I guess that's the way it always is though, huh?  I plan on my next script being a bit more logical. Again, thanks for the read.

~Zack~

(Note:  I know I only owe Sniper a read, but I figured I may as well do both of them because the first one was short enough.  And Sniper, sorry it took me so long, but I've been pretty busy lately.)

Evil

I had a lot of problems with this script, and I gotta be honest with you, it was hard to find anything to like about it.  My first instinct would be to call it "torture porn", and maybe it is, but people say "torture porn" as if it's a bad thing.  I think, if done properly, "torture porn" can be very effective in making someone scared/tense; imagining the worst.  However, I don't believe this is the case here.  Why?  Well, let's start at the beginning.

I don't buy the whole "walking in and shooting someone immediately thing".  Believe it or not, most criminals don't like to make the jump from robber to murderer so easily.  However, it's the basis of your entire story, so I guess I can let it slide.

Brett shooting Lenny makes no sense.  None.  At all.  And even if I were to say it "makes sense", it's still not good for the story because it makes Brett ("the mysterious one" look really stupid.  How is this supposed to be a clean get-away?  Their entire back window looks like the scene from Pulp Fiction!   I agree, most robbers would try and get rid of the others to increase their cut, BUT, they would take them somewhere secluded.

The car accident doesn't work.  I mean, yeah, it could happen, but you've already taken so many liberties it doesn't matter.  Couldn't he just happen upon them?  I mean, their car's covered in blood!   He could stop, realize what's going on somehow, and then...I don't know, it's your script.

So, by now we come to the torture porn segment.  And that's really all it is.  The last pages are devoted to just being disgusting.  And to top it off, it's on MEGAN!  Do you really think the audience wants to see vengeance taken on her?!  I agree with every-single-person who said that Brett shouldn't have been killed so easily.  It just doesn't work.

So, in the end, you've got characters that have motivations all over the place and then 1/2 of the script is torture on a character who I don't even want to see tortured (if I had to see someone tortured).  The script isn't unsalvagable, but you really have some work to do.  

Every Knee Shall Bow

Let me start off by respectfully saying that I think you are one hell of a writer.  Your descriptions are great, and everything just flows so smoothly.  I mean, I almost threw up while reading one of your descriptions of the deaths in the film, so that's gotta tell ya something.

That being said, I wasn't a huge fan of the story.  I felt like you were treading familiar territory and I'd seen the whole "diner cooking its patrons" plotline before.  And the whole Old Man controlling a big thug who has the intelligence of a child. (Texas Chainsaw) If it was your intent to pay homage to those type of films then you did good work, but I really felt like it was all something I had seen before.

Your dialogue is really great too, but I'm not so sure I was sold on the way Earl talked. Sometimes I thought he sounded like he was a pirate, if that makes any sense.

I really don't have a whole lot else to say.  I wasn't really bothered by any character motivations or anything, but like I said, in the end, it was fairly predictable.  As an homage to horror films I would say this works in spades (even though it's not really my cup of tea), but as it's own original horror film I think it needs work.

Quoted from dresseme Evil I had a lot of problems with this script, and I gotta be honest with you, it was hard to find anything to like about it.  My first instinct would be to call it "torture porn", and maybe it is, but people say "torture porn" as if it's a bad thing.  I think, if done properly, "torture porn" can be very effective in making someone scared/tense; imagining the worst.  However, I don't believe this is the case here.  Why?  Well, let's start at the beginning. 1.) I don't buy the whole "walking in and shooting someone immediately thing".  Believe it or not, most criminals don't like to make the jump from robber to murderer so easily.  However, it's the basis of your entire story, so I guess I can let it slide. 2.) Brett shooting Lenny makes no sense.  None.  At all.  And even if I were to say it "makes sense", it's still not good for the story because it makes Brett ("the mysterious one" look really stupid.  How is this supposed to be a clean get-away?  Their entire back window looks like the scene from Pulp Fiction!   I agree, most robbers would try and get rid of the others to increase their cut, BUT, they would take them somewhere secluded. 3.) The car accident doesn't work.  I mean, yeah, it could happen, but you've already taken so many liberties it doesn't matter.  Couldn't he just happen upon them?  I mean, their car's covered in blood!   He could stop, realize what's going on somehow, and then...I don't know, it's your script. 4.) So, by now we come to the torture porn segment.  And that's really all it is.  The last pages are devoted to just being disgusting.  And to top it off, it's on MEGAN!  Do you really think the audience wants to see vengeance taken on her?!  I agree with every-single-person who said that Brett shouldn't have been killed so easily.  It just doesn't work. So, in the end, you've got characters that have motivations all over the place and then 1/2 of the script is torture on a character who I don't even want to see tortured (if I had to see someone tortured).  The script isn't unsalvagable, but you really have some work to do.

Hey Dressel, thank you for reading. I'm sorry you weren't able to enjoy it.

However, I have many answers to your complaints. I like to think I really thought this script out.(I've numbered your complaints to make answering them easier.)

1.) Notice how Brett forced Lenny to be the one who shoots someone? Brett didn't want to get his hands dirty. That was the first hint that Brett is going to be stting Lenny up.

2.) How doesn't it make sense? Brett wants more money. Brett was planning on leaving the car with Lenny's and (possibly Megan's) bodies in the car. After all, all the police know is that "TWO" people robbed the bank. However, he is never able to go through with his pln because of Bert.

3.) How couln't this happen? A car is stopped in the middle of a twisted narrow road surrounded by tall cornfeild. Bert is speed along the road(fueled with anger and sadness)and he roars around a bend and smashes into the parked car. How doesn't that work?

4.) Bert saw that Brett was already knocking on deaths door. He wanted Brett to die by his hands, so he shot him. As for why Megan recieved the torture... she was still very much alive and Bert was still very angry. How could Bert possible know that Meagen wasn't the leader and that Bert was. All Bert knew is that Megan was indeed apart of the bank robbery. That's all Bert needed. I understand that as a reader, Megan is the one bank robber that it is possible to care about. But that makes it all the more terrifying.

Again, I did appreciate your review and I am sorry you did not like it.

~Zack~

Quoted from dressel Every Knee Shall Bow Let me start off by respectfully saying that I think you are one hell of a writer.  Your descriptions are great, and everything just flows so smoothly.  I mean, I almost threw up while reading one of your descriptions of the deaths in the film, so that's gotta tell ya something. That being said, I wasn't a huge fan of the story.  I felt like you were treading familiar territory and I'd seen the whole "diner cooking its patrons" plotline before.  And the whole Old Man controlling a big thug who has the intelligence of a child. (Texas Chainsaw) If it was your intent to pay homage to those type of films then you did good work, but I really felt like it was all something I had seen before. Your dialogue is really great too, but I'm not so sure I was sold on the way Earl talked. Sometimes I thought he sounded like he was a pirate, if that makes any sense. I really don't have a whole lot else to say.  I wasn't really bothered by any character motivations or anything, but like I said, in the end, it was fairly predictable.  As an homage to horror films I would say this works in spades (even though it's not really my cup of tea), but as it's own original horror film I think it needs work.

Hey Dressel,

Thanks for the read and review. Yup, this is an homage to Texas (one of the best horror flicks imo), and, sure, there are similarities. This story could use a backstory to make it stand on its own (and I have one in the pipes).

You're not the first one to point out Earl's "dialect" and it could probably use a bit of tweeking.

I'm glad you liked the gore elements (sorry about almost making you throw up though).

Thanks for the read.


Cheers
Rob