Cage of Furry by Chris Shamburger (sham) - Short - Young and impressionable Peter Thompson wants his hamster, Bernard, to have a friend. When Bernard discovers the new hamster is hellbent on escaping the cage and killing the family, he has to figure out a way to stop him. 18 pages - pdf, format 8)

This is quite clearly a shooting script, not a spec. We normally write specs around here, but it's okay. I decided to take a look at it nonetheless.

I liked this. It was well-written. I cracked a grin when we first discovered that it was the hamster telling the story and not the boy.

I chuckled several times throughout the script, but I laughed the most when Peter named the second hamster. That was hilarious. I loved the dialogue between the hamsters too.

Things that kinda turned me off:

-I don't think a hamster would be tough enough to gnaw through a metal cage, but I don't know. I've never had one. It seemed awkward to me.

-How the hell would Aneurysm know how to work a car? He's a hamster for chrissake.

-The way Peter immediatly blamed Bernard for the fight was incredibly clichéd, but that didn't stop me from enjoying the script.

I'm probably just nitpicking. This was obviously intended for kids, and I think it'd make a good Disney or Dreamworks feature if it is extended and if you removed the uneccessary gruesome death of Aneurysm. I don't know, it looks as if you suddenly had a change of heart when writing it.

But it was an original death. LOL.

Now I suggest you read some scripts (it can be anyone's, not just mine) so you get more comments here. It's a give-and-take thing.

--Julio








  

Thanks for reading, Julio.

I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's definitely mindless entertainment. I never meant for it to be anything more than that. I think it's fun to see the world from a different perspective.

I'll start reading other scripts members have written. Thanks again. :)

Hey Sham,
This was well done, very entertaining. You avoided adding any useless dialogue and scenes, almost every scene and conversation moved the story forward or revealed something about the characters.  Liked your descriptions too, right to the point without any excess.
I also wrote a black comedy involving dying animals and know its not everyones cup of tea, but glad to see none of the scenes bordered on bad taste.
The twist at the end was well executed, wasn't gory just for the sake of being gory.
Good work!

I know what you mean about writing animal violence. It was tough to write. I didn't want it to feel like it was in poor taste, and I'm glad you were aware of that.

Thanks for the kind words, n7.

Hey Chris.

I read this and it was a quick flowing, enjoyable read and i applaud you for that.

OMG, that hamster is crazy. I say he got what he deserved in the end, after threatening to kill the family, lol.

I like the fact that the the story is told through the Hamster's POV. With stories like these, its usually told through the little boy or a random Narrator but it was good that the Hamster, Bernard, was the narrator.

PAGE 13:
Bernard: Come on, Bernard. It's time to save your family.

I dont think that piece of dialogue is needed. It came off too cheesy for me and the script would be fine without that bit of dialogue.

The rest of the dialogue works fine, though, and i enjoyed the twist at the end. All in all, it was a good read.

Keep up the good work :)

Hi Chris;

Great tltle!

I liked it, sort of reminded me a bit of the Pinky and the Brain cartoons, only a whole lot darker.

The dialogue was alright, but his Mom was a bit easy to convince, especially with money being too tight for burger king...(an $8 hamster is still $8 bucks)

The impalement of Anuerism on the keys was a bit anti-climatic, as Bernard (the hero)  didn't really get the opportunity to save the day, which he tried so hard to do, jumping into the birdbath and such.

Enjoyable overall, though.

Joe