From One Soul Forth by Laszlo R. (doodaa) - Sci Fi - Two alien planets fight a mysterious enemy which is about to yoke species planet after planet. Meanwhile treason, political lies come to light, ruining or endangering relationships. As for the political scenes, the story is partly based on real occurences. 121 pages - pdf, format 8)

by ten pages in i was lost and didn't kno what was gong on. the characters are a bit confusing as well, and ican tell you attempted to develoup them, but it didn't work for me. some of the dialogue has substance but doesn't progress the tory imo. and on a side note: did you intend for them to all be such assholes? i was jus wondering about that because it seems none of the characters much care for one another.

No, they're not supposed to be assholes. You said you didn't know what's going on by page ten. After page ten they examine the enemy in space and then launch attack. On the first ten pages they're discussing the situation where we see their reaction to this Armageddon-like threat.

You say the characters are confusing. I don't understand. First we see people (Enar, Adis) from planet Inderan, then those (Turosan, Con, Voran) from Gandora. I think their behaviour says everything of them (that's my opinion). So please tell me (and now I don't mean it reprovingly to you) what you mean by 'the characters are confusing' because I really don't know.

Let me take a stab at the first ten pages for ya:

First off, watch out for long narratives. 4 lines, maybe five it absolutly nessecary.

You say something is obvious, but then give two possibly explanations. By definition, something obvious has only one explanation.

Not sure, if it totally works but I do like how you've given a sense of protocols (disarming or whatever of the weapons and armor)

I'd put the morning tag on the Gandora slug instead of the academy's

Thrumming, good word

Wait, is Naya an alien. I know is say octopus-like but then Con is a human(?). I think that if you were more clear, say by naming a species it would help. Regardless, she's a crappy secretary and I think the scene doesn't work. I think you're goal was to show Con as a hard-@ss and her as his soft side but I think it too undermines his character. Plus the cadet thing really wasn't funny either. Plus you would think that the obvious animosity would have had Con replace her a long time ago.

The space cloud thing is intriguing but described poorly in spots. What exactly would make us think it sounds like an entire planet screaming because they're being tortured for crimes? Unless there are varying choruses of "Stop this torture due to my horrible deeds!" see what I mean?

"Turosan and Voran couldn't deny the strong father-son relationship between them." First of all this is written in the past tense so we'll change couldn't to can't. Second, why not. What exactly is making this so undeniable that the audience will think at this point "these guys are like father and son."

You put in a lot of things that are not possible to show. This is a screenplay, not a novel.

I also believe that the scene with Con, the General, and Voran quickly turns into techo babble and would be uninteresting to watch at it's length, subject, and location in the story. Tighten it up and maybe have them moving about the ship. While such material wouldn't be talked about in an open environment, a Cdr wouldn't be hissy fitting in front of a Capt and a General like that. Plus you move them around, you're able to show off some of your environment and make it seem more creditable.

Oh, and being space fiction I know that it's not bound to regular military but here's a thing. You have a LT, a CDR, a CAPT and a GEN all seemingly in the same rank structure. I get that you are using this to give the reader a feel of the audience structure but here's the thing. Speaking as a former Sailor and I also looked up the British structure, you're not going to have these in the same chain. Now yes you will if multiple branch are in a collaborative chain but you make no mention of this and it seems like they are at a specific branch academy. You're main problem is with the CDR and GEN. As of now Generals will have Colonels working under them and Commanders will be worrying about their Admirals. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, I gotta tell ya this really ain't grabbing me. Sorry. I hope this helps in someway.