Dual by Gregory Kerrick (directorg13) - Short, Action - Plagued with Dual-Personality Disorder, Adam receives a mysterious phone call from his best friend, Kristen, only to find her brutally murdered when he visits her home. 18 pages - pdf, format 8)

Quoted from DirectorG13 ...if you failed to read the entire script, you haven't earned the right to say something about it.

Not necessarily, G.

You can find that issue debated at length here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-cc/m-1185216501/

Give it a look and see what you think.

I wrote my opinion on Bert's discussion board. If anyone has a better point to make for either side, please write it. Thanks.

You should'nt get defensive with suggestions. Screenwriting is about connecting and if you don't connect with the reader then there's nothing you can do.  I found it hard to get into the story. Read more scripts. When you read a great script immediately you're trapped in the story whether it's about a mosquito or a talking gum ball machine.

Thank you.

Alright, G.  After all the fuss, I suppose somebody needs to actually read this thing.

For starters, I know right away where Relentless was coming from, and that is a flaw with your logline.  Whether he is right or wrong about where this story is going, your logline gives away far too many surprises that you should save for the actual story itself.

As far as reading this goes, you do have some fat to trim, with several unnecessary words scattered about.  Right off the bat, "sun partially shines..."  Read the sentence without "partially" and you’ll find it improved.  You tell us the blinds are semi-closed, and that is enough.  But I notice that you do this less and less as the script progresses, as if you were picking up steam while writing this.

As far as camera angles, CU and things of that nature, I will echo Relentless in that they do pull the reader out of the story.  Regardless of what the link you have posted above might tell you, do try to tell your story without relying on these devices whenever you can.  That is the convention for a spec script.

Sometimes those camera directions may be necessary -- but only when nothing else will do -- and they are not vital as you have used them here.  A shooting script is a different animal -- do not confuse the two breeds.

The same goes for all the CUT TO, DISSOVE, FADE IN, FADE OUT.  They are distractions, and eventually become tedious here, bloating your page count.  A new slugline automatically lets us know we have moved on to another scene.

I did like the interactions between Crowe and Adam.  In fact, I liked the whole story up until Robert's flashback.  By that point (and in fairness, not much before that) we knew where the story was going.  But the dialogue in that final exchange between Kristin and Robert was not good.  The biggest problem is that you spent all that time explaining what you did not need to explain!

Sometimes the most important things in a script go unsaid.  Try envisioning the confrontation between Kristin and Robert without any dialogue at all -- and see if you cannot make it much more powerful by doing so.

I found Crowe's final words confusing, but perhaps I am missing something there.  I also thought it was odd how Robert knew right where to find a gun when he wanted one in a house that was not his.  But aside from those issues the story fits together tightly with all of its questions answered.

So I would say to watch out for extraneous words, as well as extraneous dialogue, and extraneous camera angles.  Trimming all of those up would make this a tight little script.  Adam and Crowe are compelling characters, particularly when they occur together.  It is a shame that you only do that once, but perhaps this story does not allow for more than that.

Well, thanks for reading it. The criticism is much appreciated. I swear I hear a dozen different things. The CUT TO's and DISSOLVES seem more like preferences for a specific writer because what I hear from you or others and then what I hear from a screenwriting teacher or a book or other sources say different.

And I've been criticized in the past for my use of description. Admittedly, I delve into Novel territory with the descriptions sometimes, at least, in the beginning that is.

I agree with the logline, by the way. I didn't really think about it until now.

And as for the ending, you're right. Even in my head, I thought the audience was going to see it coming. But I simply saw it going no other way. I probably could make it tighter.

Thanks again.

G, I deleted my comments so you don't have to worry about it. O, thanks for helping to clear up some of the things that I saw in the story Don.

I'm so glad I read this cause I'm big fan of this sort of stuff and you delivered the goods.  Adam and crow are tops stuff. Begining really pull me in how Robert have Adam at gun point and threaten to kill him to take out his dual-personality.

Adam and Crowe together in head is good with nice dynamics between the two personalities.

I hought it was well written and tight. Fade out and such did not worry me at all.

I sense there was a twist here somewhere but I totally missed it. All the flash backs got confusing and I sort of got lost in the narrative.

Robert has a gun pointed at Adam, accuse him or Crowe of kill girl want to shoot adam for revenge, then toward the end we see Robert shoot girl . . . I'm lost. I think this script was just too clever for me.

Interesting plot - and pretty well executed.

I found the introduction of Robert a bit confusing - Does mentioning him in the photos really count? Or would capitalising his name the first time we actually see him in person be better? It just threw me a little - though that might just be me.

I also think that the "FADE IN"'s are too distracting. Figuring out how to move from one scene to the next should really be the director's job.

Again, this is probably a personal thing: The scenes inside Adam/Crowe's head felt too staged. I'd do away with the table, make it less clinical(?) if you see what I mean. Maybe introduce something that was more personal to the character(s).

I enjoyed the plot, and it was pulled off well in my opinion.

Unfortuantly for me, I did find this hard to follow at points as the flashbacks just came and went so quickly. It was quite hard to follow, but the bits I followed were pulled off well. I particularly liked the bit with Adam and Crowe, that reall caught my eye.

I think you revealed the plot well, while I did see it coming, I found it very entertaining. Crowe I think you pulled off very well as I pleasently enjoyed his character.

I also like the end, I really liked it how you didn't exactly show the end but you really left it to our imagination.

Good job, I really enjoyed it.

G,
I sent notes back to you via your email address, let me know if you got them.

Hey! It's been a year since I last touched this script and I recently polished it up. It's been completely restructured, tightened and very different from the original script. I'd love any harsh criticism on the script. Thanks guys!

Hey I just read it and I enjoyed it.

I like your style of writing, but the actual story was a bit confusing. I think if I saw it on screen it would be easier to follow though. I loved the whole split personality thing. It's hard to do what hasn't been done before with that, but you pulled it off well.

Ever thought of having Adam and Crowe look different? Fight Club style. Drop a few hints that they are the same throughout the script, then at the end reveal.

Anyway well done overall, this was a good read although I was not clear of everything.

Let me know what bits confused you. Help me make it a little clearer. Thanks for reading it!

Out of the many scripts I have read on this site, this one stands out for a number of reasons.  You have taken on something rather large - a real challenge. You have a simple story and you have made it complex and inturn it will generate a reaction.
I liked the story, the idea is great, (wish I had thought about doing something like this but I’m not there yet, eg my writing).

I had to read some parts twice. I don’t know if it was the story flashbacks or I lost the plot.  However, in each flashback especially the ‘black room’ it would be good to add a little something that is specific to each flashback. Its hard to do in the room (although you did mention the lights) maybe a clock on the wall, have Adam or Crowe lighting a cigarette, playing with his watch, flashbacks at the house doorway – maybe a lawn mower in the background kids playing, dog barking etc. (just suggestions to improve my connection with each flashback).

Is there room for another character? Can another layer be added that connects the whole story, carries us through the flashbacks, introduces us to the characters, sets it up for us? Or would this ruin what you have.  The ending seeing it coming – think of new twist that we don’t see coming. If I have any other thoughts I will let you know? Cheers walford.

Quoted from Don Dual by Gregory Kerrick (directorg13) - Short, Action - Plagued with Dual-Personality Disorder, Adam receives a mysterious phone call from his best friend, Kristen, only to find her brutally murdered when he visits her home. 18 pages - pdf, format 8)

Greg, I sort of liked this script but there were certain elements that definately failled the story.

1) your story is missing an inciting incident (No turning point that changed the course of the characters path)
2) Your begining feels like we jumped into the middle of a larger story.
3) The dialogue is actible but boring
4) Characters are shallow and lack focus


Besides that I liked the ending, and I liked the premise. However this script is not ready for production and needs to be completely restructred before I would even consider it for sale (if that is your goal).

These are my two cents.