Where Do Jack-'O-Lanterns Come From? by Ty - Short, Comedy - The horrible history of the jack-'o-lantern: truth at last! <12 pages - rtf, format 8)

Some formatting issues with capitalizations, but a clever little short.

The scene with Ben Franklin was hysterical. That still makes me laugh!  The other stories were OK, but only mildly amusing.

Liked the concept of the factory workers (who were slightly stereotypical) telling thier stories of the origins of the Jack O' lantern..The factory on the whole seemed like a Halloween representation of Santa's Workshop...

The Old Man sneezing was pretty funny too, as he flew backwards into the pile of pumpkins.

Good visuals of this cold, impersonal factory feeding Big Mart stores, however, it should have been set in China.

Hey,

I thought this was a pretty good idea but I thought you missed a lot of opportunitys, save the Franklin episode. In fact, I think I've laughed harder at the Franklin thing then I have at anything else in this contest so far.

Like Black wolffe pointed out you have some formatting problems, and overall all I felt like you didn't have enough jokes that worked for me to sustain it. All also throw in that I thought the Franklin thing ran on a little too long, he should have got his laughs and then got out of there.

Overall, fits the theme pretty well, jokes were one big hit with a lot of misses. nice effort.

sheepwalker

While I found this to be pretty interesting, I didn't think it was too funny (except for the 'shut up, child' line).  IN my opinion, this story would be ten times better if you wrote it as a dramatic piece (or light humor)_.  The story is there, you just have to write it.


Phil

I liked the idea of the story and how the people each had their own idea of how the first jack-o-lantern was made, but I didn't find it too funny. The Franklin thing was funny, but after the first time, it just got tiring and predictable. The part with the settlers and the locals chasing around the tribesmen and red coats was funny, and the line "I've wet myself, mummy" got a chuckle out of me.

Some formatting issues, just thought I'd point that out even though it's already been said.

Good job.

Sean

This one was quite odd to me.  Amusing in its own way, but the concept was better than the execution.  The kind of script where as you read it you are constantly imagining what might have been.  I did not get the Ben Franklin joke.  I preferred the scene on the Mayflower, as misimagined by the factory worker.

The factory setting worked well enough, but then, I never quite got the point of this odd factory, either.  I think a faux-documentary style might have suited this piece better.

There are also numerous odd formatting choices scattered about.  Setting the noises off by themselves, and designating them as “SOUND”, for example.  V.O. will go on the same line as the character name, by the way.  It is not treated as a parenthetical.

This one suits the challenge, and has a good concept at its heart, but has not quite realized its full potential.

OWC Score:  80%

This one was pretty funny and it used the theme very well so good job on that.  I liked all the different stories on the origins of the Jack-o-lanterns, my favorite is probably the Ben Franklin bit, reminded me of a scene involving a young Seth in Superbad....hahaha.  I also liked the way the people talked in this, kinda sounded like a bunch of hillbillies.  The format seemed to be a bit off but for a OWC that's not really a huge problem.  Anyways good work for the challenge.

Like I said in a different post, there are many different kinds of comedy, and not everyone likes the same thing...

I disagree with the others here.

I laughed out loud a lot while reading this one, and story wise I think this one is my favorite so far.  ;D

This one had a Benny Hill comedy feel to it.

I liked the different stories, about the Indians and the pilgrims, the Indians spanking the pilgrims with sticks... the pilgrims wearing pumpkin heads... Ben Franklin carving only a penis on his pumpkins, and being proud of it. LOL

I thought it was very funny.  ;D

You can't make a lantern out of meatloaf. Ha! I could have 30 years ago.  ;D

I think you did a real good job here.

Cindy

I liked this, like Cindy I found this funnier than some other people did, it had such a weird off beat feel to it that I enjoyed. The Mayflower scene made me giggle, it's not in your face funny, it's just you give the impression that Dorothy is telling it with seriousness and conviction and it's clearly a crock of shit lol. That was good (and the 'Who be makin' ghost noises?' part was funny). The Ben Franklin scene was funny too, but I agree with those who said you shouldn't have milked it, it grew a little tired.

I was amused by other strange little moments but the biggest laugh you gave me was with Silas's introduction. He speaks off screen first with 'That aint what I heard', and I imagined him speaking in a dark voice and step ominously out of the shadows with a grim expression, and Dorthy narrowing her eyes at being challenged and saying 'Is that so?' in an equally dark tone, and then for Silas to instantly drop scary tone and lightly reply with 'I just heard something different, that’s all' lol. That cracked me up. You didn't write it that kind of detail but that's what came into my head so if that's what you intended well done. It was my favourite bit.

There have been various mentions of the formatting issues, and Bert has pointed them out specifically so I won't, but other than that it was nicely written, there was good detail in the descriptions which made for a spooky atmosphere that surrounds all these folksy characters and their tall tales, which is suddenly undermined by the ending in which all the creepy pumpkins are hauled into a Big Mart truck lol. Nice ending. I liked the historical angle, it made be think of Hocus Pocus with its olden day opening scene; the tone of this made me feel quite Halloweeny. Good job :).

A few format issues but nothing too major.  This was a nice idea, I liked the differing thoughts of the origin of jack o'lanterns.  I actually prefered the opening suggestion regarding lanterns for spotting ice bergs, the childs ghost noise was funny.  All in all, this was a good entertaining effort.  Not sure the factory part worked as well as it could have though.

There is a story that needs more development. Some good skits but, not hilarious. I’d drop the mucous bit. I found no humor, just grossness.
Tighten up your script, there are some formatting errors.
You did enough to fulfill the OWC challenge but I really think if you work on it and make it more dramatic instead of trying to force the humor, you would have a good little story to tell.
Well done.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  6/10
Comedy Structure: 5/10
My rating of your script overall: 6/10

The setting worked very well for a group of tales about where Jack O'Lanterns come from.  All of the stories had some funny bits, like the bit with the child on the pilgrim's boat, and bringing back wearing pumpkins to scare the pilgrims.  Even the Ben Franklin bit was pretty funny, and it used the rule of three for comedy, which was why I didn't get as annoyed as others.  It's all about conditioning.

I wish this had a better tie together at the end. I think the goal was to satirize chains like Wal Mart, but it felt kind of disjointed from the rest of the piece, as though tacked on so it can seem to say something.

And the phlegm was gross.

This one was strange, but in a good way. You came up with some funny and downright creative stories for the workers to share. (My favorite was the pilgrim one). Your descriptions were vivid and sort of quirky. The pacing was just right and I liked how you intertwined the old man's struggle with the worker's discussion. It all just flowed smoothly.

Any cons? Well, the format was kind of weird, but other than that, I can't really find an issue with your short. I really liked this one. Good stuff.

That was cute. I liked the story idea though it kind of reminded me of an old bugs bunny cartoon - the one where he relates history to his nephew.  I got a couple of chuckles out of this script but I thought it was uneven.  It seemed to drag in places.  I liked the first part of the pilgrim story but I thought the second part was a bit slow and unfunny.  The Ben Franklin bit was amusing but I have to admit that I didn't get the resolution to that story.  

This one is really original.  I liked it, but it felt a little sluggish during the constitution signing.  This factory though came to life for me.  I thought the ending was kind of rushed and didn't quite work, but I liked the image of the the truck traveling through the snow to the "Big Mart."

Good job.

Sandra

This one was to me pretty good on all levels. Not bad anywhere, but not great anywhere either.

I didn't really care for OLD MAN and his sneezing. Just gross, but not funny. Didn't think he really added much to the story.

I liked the Mayflower story and the one with the Injunes. The Ben Franklin one didn't seem to fit at all to me. I would suggest a rewrite of that story, but I see a lot of the others seemed to like that part the most...

Anyway, the idea was god, the writing was good, just needs to be reworked some be better, which I believe it can be.

Good luck with it.

Pia

Hi,

I think this is a good idea for a Halloween comedy, but I think the execution could be better.  The middle dragged a bit for me -- I think there were too many versions of the jack-o'-lantern's origins, and the Ben Franklin one (although weirdly amusing) went on too long for my taste.

Just a thought: it might be more interesting, visually, to kind of mix up the stories and have the factory workers interrupting each other.  So the scene could rapidly change from the Mayflower to the Indians to Ben Franklin, and then back again.  I think that would help the pacing, and you could have fun with some bizarre juxtapositions of the stories and scenes.

Some of your descriptions are good, but others (like the descriptions of the factory) I feel could be trimmed without detracting from the story.  That would help with the pacing, too.  Oh, and I'm not sure about the thing with the workers lighting the candles before the jack-o'-lanterns go down the conveyor belt.  Seems like a pretty good way to NOT make a profit, ya know?

All that said, good job.  It's not easy to come up with a script in a week -- well done!